Archive for
June, 2004
June 29th, 2004
Jim (yes, more about Jim):
I have had a lot of time to think about all the goings-on. I think it is quite amazing that he is so sure of himself. I really admire that. I think we will get along great as friends and hope we stay in each others lives for a very long time.
Lori:
I BLEW-UP at Lori this morning. It was all silly. I was just frustrated with the Jim situation, not to mention had very little sleep. I was upset and Travis was up so he was my shoulder. I feel bad now. I stormed out of Lori’s saying things I won’t repeat, peeled out of the parking lot and drove to work… I was so upset. And I know Lori is unhappy about some things sometimes, but I was in no mood for the tone… sorry Lori… Anyway, so then she wouldn’t speak to me all morning (I wouldn’t have either). I think it was nice to release though. I feel a lot better about life in general now.
Expectations:
I have decided to not have any expectations. I would rather just meet friends and if there are sparks, then we can go from there. I found out what trying to force it will do… it was not pretty at all. I want to be that person who just goes with the flow…
June 28th, 2004
Clarification:
Jim knows what he wants. I belittled him by saying he might not. If I were him, I would be angry and frustrated with me. I was such a jerk and I am very sorry.
Jim:
I think we want very much to be friends. I like him a lot, but do not need more than friendship from him, even if I would have liked more at first. I expected too much, but I am happy with what I learned from the experience. Jim is absolutely a wonderful human being.
June 27th, 2004
Me:
I finally put myself out there… to no avail, but still… I did it. I need some gay friends. I love my friends so much, but they aren’t the same. There is something quite nice about sitting with a group of gay guys chatting about whatever. We even got to coming out stories. We could relate on a very personal level. I can’t say that about most of my friends. I don’t relate with them much — sometimes that is why we are friends. Jason was right… it would be wonderful to make a little gay family because that is what it feels like. I feel like I am around close family members, even around total strangers. They just need to be gay men around my age. That makes almost no sense, but… I know what I mean.
Jim:
(Jim: I would not presume to tell you how to live your life. This is purely my own thoughts). I really don’t want to offend him because I enjoyed him so much. I would love to be around him and his friends all the time. However, Jim doesn’t seem to know what he wants right now. I wish it was me; I wish it was a relationship. I really am not sure that it is. And maybe it was easy to slip into “slut” mode. His friends weren’t helpful at all though. I really wanted it to be more than it seemed to be. It was nice, but not much like a date. I started to let it confirm my feeling that I am repulsive, but decided to just look at it as an issue Jim is having. I am fully open to hanging out with him, but I really hope that he sees more in time. I am not like all the others. I really wanted to know more about Jim. More about his family, his opinions, his life. He is very attractive, but that isn’t why I drove an hour and a half to meet him. I am interested in him, and I really hope he decides to open up. He is one of the sweetest people ever; someone who can’t say no (he might change what is happening, but he doesn’t really say no). I liked him. But it is all in vain if he knows he will never feel the same way. I know it is silly to expect anything this soon, so I will continue talking to him and hopefully going to see him. If nothing else, I hope I have landed some wonderful new friends. I already miss them. Jim loves music so much and I love that.
Work:
I don’t want to go to work after such a great weekend.
June 27th, 2004
OKC Pride Fun:
This weekend was SO fun… Humid, but fun. Dinner Saturday night with Jim(the great guy), Jason, & Josh(“Yesh”) was great fun. Later we went clubbing, as everyone did apparently, and had a lot of fun. Back at Jim’s, there was no fun fun. Sleeping was fun. Sunday morning we went back to the park and then helped put together a float for the parade, which was somewhat fun. Then, after waiting around for quite a while we marched in the parade, handing out beads and candy — so much fun!!! Unfortunately, I had to leave after the parade which was not fun. But when I got to Tulsa, I went to a surprise 30th birthday party — more fun. Now, Lori is over and we are talking about our love lives and other stuff and she is fun.
Me:
I think I learned a lot about myself this weekend. I will write more later when I can think my thoughts through. It was all very nice. I did get the feeling that I couldn’t compete with the sea of naked boys, but I shouldn’t need to.
June 25th, 2004
Family:
I finally decided to come out to my cousin, Becky. She is really one of two people I haven’t told since coming out to my friends in 1997. She means a lot to me and I really think that it will devastate me should I ever lose her respect and friendship. Over the past few years I have started to tell her on a number of occasions, but have always chickened out. I must now do this, as the secrecy is pulling us further apart. I will keep you posted on what happens. I told her best friend, a coworker of mine, but she already knew. *Click here for he letter I sent to Becky*
Friends:
Nobody understands me. Not that it is anyone’s fault but my own, but I feel like people treat me like the wallflower who likes being that way. Sometimes I do. But what my friends do not get is that I take a long time to warm up to people (weeks, months, years sometimes). They all end up giving up on me. I have stories, thoughts, opinions, concerns. It just feels to me like it all has to be about everyone else all the time.
Possibilities:
This is what I wrote to the guy I am into that made him want to meet me(I had said his recklessness was sexy; he questioned it):
“Sexy? Certainly… There is a boyish charm… a carelessness that reminds me of boys I’ve loved, dreamed of loving. There is a certain nostalgia that lives in you. The memory of bicycles, summer afternoons, snowcones, and friends you seemed to only know then because they were from the neighborhood. There is an impetuous nature that causes memories of things that have not yet happened. I can picture the impulsive way I’d be kissed or my hand grabbed and we’d run through a field for no reason other than the act itself. And how I would bring breakfast in bed because someone won’t listen and hurt himself… again! And I would nurse your wound, which would hurt longer because you’d want to be taken care of. And I’d be woken up at 3:00 a.m. some January night to be dragged outside to dance in the falling snow. Yes, it is sexy.”
Just wanted to share that because I was proud of it. Plus it is all true. I tried to write a poem about the same thing while I was on lunch today at work. I am still blocked. I have decided to rejoin pathetic.org. I will post a link when it is up.
Money:
I need to stop spending money. I am so scared of financial things right now. I would have been more vague about that if I could.
Me:
Big Friday plans: Haircut, clothes shopping (if I don’t have anything suitable for Saturday & Sunday), dinner with Dad & Lori, call Mom, call the guy, watch Six Feet Under Season 1, Disc 2. Big day. I may have caused a bit of a rift between myself and a good friend because of my funk. I hope he doesn’t hate me. And I hope I can learn to not hate his boyfriend (I am not there at this point). Forgive me T.
June 22nd, 2004
Work:
Inventory went very well. My store manager was there with me this time. She tends to freak out about things like inventory, for obvious reasons. But last night, she was able to calm down considerably once she figured out that I knew what I was doing. It also helped that there was an inappropriate interaction taking place between another manager and a part time employee the entire night!
Money:
Yay! I will not be losing my house. That is a pretty dramatic statement, but it was a distinct possibility about a month ago. I elected not to tell anyone, family or friend. I think that in reading this some of them might feel slighted and not trusted. That is not at all what happened. It was a very embarrassing situation and I wanted to solve it. I did and I am elated. I just need to be more careful about making my house payments on time in the future… Relief!!!
Robby:
I think he felt like he was calling too much. I really wish he didn’t feel that way. I will call him today. Maybe he has just been busy… I hope everything is okay with him.
June 22nd, 2004
Funk:
I am in a funk as Lori would say, but I have decided that when I wake up the funk will be over. I had a lovely talk with the great guy (name to be revealed if things go well). I still am a little uneasy. Maybe I will feel better after I talk it out.
Lori:
Sometimes things need to be about me. I love her, but c’mon. (and f w.i.)
Reading:
I had to stop reading Every Inch Of Her for a little bit. There were too many catholic references that went over my head. Started rereading one of my favorites, Dandelion Wine. It is the quintessential summer book. I love it so much. The first time I read it was en route to Nashville by plane. It took me half a day to get there (with a layover in Kansas City). I finished it before I got there. It just makes me happy.
Saturday:
What should I wear? Should I get my hair trimmed like I planned? Hmmm…
Me:
I should stop drinking so much soda. And I should exercise like I planned. Monday may be a good day for it. And eat more than up to once a day…
June 21st, 2004
Happy:
I have been unable to sleep since chatting with this great guy. I really hope to meet him soon. It was so nice to just take a risk again and be vulnerable to someone. I have really held myself back lately and it has sucked to not have anyone. I don’t know what will happen, but I am so excited that I at least took the step to talk to someone. Yay!! I also chatted with another great guy… He was incredibly sweet.
John:
Lori recently posted something about John. I think I am refusing to believe it now. I was mourning normally and then nothing. I am not sad, but it is more like I blocked him out for now. It seems so weird that I am able to talk about it and still know that I am not currently dealing with this. I have been trying all day to deal with this; I refuse to believe that John died.
Texas:
I made the schedule with my vacation on it!!!! Yay! I am going to Austin for a couple of days and then to Houston for a couple. Depending on what happens I may need to stop in Norman on the way! It will be nice to see Travis and Sandra (Austin). It has been too long. I want to shop in Houston and Lori’s family lives there (near Clearlake area), which makes the trip convenient since I don’t need any hotels!! I really hope they let me stay with them. I am really excited to just have some time off. Wow I have spent a ton of time in Texas in the past 2 years. Can’t wait…
Visiting People:
I forgot to go visit my dad. I am horrible. Maybe I can go tomorrow evening. I also chatted with Kendra today. I haven’t seen JD & Kendra in an obscene amount of time. I could visit. They live an hour away… that isn’t far.
Great guy:
I get to meet the great guy no later than Saturday night. I am excited about it. I hope he is who he seems to be on here… Hmm… I also have my usual reservations about being repulsive. I know better. Hmmm… I am nervous. Its been a long time.
June 20th, 2004
Book:
Started Every Inch Of Her. It is fairly amusing so far and promises to be a good time, what with nuns & such. Thank you thank you for getting me to read again…
Friends:
Jess was here at my house when I got off work. Lori came up and we all talked and goofed around… it was fun. I am a bit tired now though. I am a little worried about our Lori. She isn’t herself. What’s more is I can feel it too… like something in the universe is a little off.
Dads & Co.:
Happy Father’s Day to all you Dads, Uncles, and Pet Owners out there!
June 18th, 2004
Life:
Sometimes life isn’t fair. Justin just called me because his cell phone bill needs to be paid.
Let me fill you in: Justin is my friend and roommate and one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. But he is schizophrenic and socially phobic. There is quite a bit he doesn’t understand or handle correctly in the world. Because of these problems, I am in charge of his finances. Justin has spent the last six years (the time I have known him) in and out of mental facilities, on and off medications, and in various states of self control. I have never seen him as well as he is right now. But that didn’t change everything, and I was stupid to think it would.
A woman called from the cell phone company to tell him the payment was late. He was supposed to get a check from me and pay it, but both of us forgot. He explained to her that he didn’t realize it was late because he had recently switch his plan, but would get it paid. Knowing Justin as I do, that is exactly how it went. He doesn’t exaggerate or embelish stories. The woman on the phone told him that he had been with the company for 3 years so he knew when his bill was due and obviously he liked to pay his bill every 2 months. True. I know I shouldn’t but I tend to wait for 2 months worth before paying. I should stop that.
Anyway, Justin is actually not upset with her (I would be). He is upset that he was unable to handle it. He was upset that when he called back to complain, they didn’t seem to care. He was upset because he isn’t normal. Again, life: not fair. And poor Justin gets takes a lot from a world that doesn’t accept him on any level. He really is special.
