Archive for
July, 2004
July 28th, 2004
Oh Yes, More Vacation:
I am going to try really hard to have a good time in Texas. I will be back Tuesday and my birthday is Thursday… 25!!! I hope to be in much better spirits and get more sleep… God, it’s been awful. I am not looking forward to moving Travis tomorrow, but then I can relax with my friends. They always make me feel better faster than anyone else.
Xanga:
Since Travis is moving, I won’t be able to post while I am gone. I don’t know how I will survive. When I get back I will read everyone’s sites — I haven’t done much of that lately. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I love all of you!
Lori:
I know you will have done too much before you stop yourself. I thank you, silly-butt. Keep your fingers crossed for A & Natalie. I will call if they are voted off… it’ll suck that bad! Holly really must go
July 27th, 2004
Stupidity:
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I told Robby that I have feelings for him, which was moronic! Now, I am sick because I am fully aware that there is no chance of anything happening. He just thinks of me as a friend. I thought that was enough at one point. I hate feeling like this. Blah. Somewhere there is somebody who will like me… I hope. People tell me that, but it is hard to believe it when I have never met anyone as interested in me as I am in them. I wish Robby wanted me.
Quote:
“You think that I’m strong. You’re wrong…” — Robbie Williams
Life:
It is just pretty crappy sometimes… this being one of those times. Unfortunately, I can’t escape it this time — the problem is me.
One and a Half Dead Bunnies:
It was fitting that this should be what I discovered on my porch today. I have no idea what got into Molly (my cat), but she was on some sort of killing spree today. I hate it sometimes, but it comes with having cats…
Robby:
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I was so sick about him at Lori’s that I had to go in the other room and cry a number of times. And I just do not have that right. We are friends and I should be happy for him. Easier said, blah blah blah… Seriously, I bring way more drama than necessary to the table. I am a mess sometimes. (sorry about the drama, Robby…) I am not sure how to be less insane… it just feels wrong. And I really hate being this way! Blah. I almost called off my trip to Texas, but I shouldn’t be upset! I am really trying.
July 26th, 2004
Robby:
Maybe it was stupid, but I told him how I felt. I guess I should always keep my mouth open just in case I need to stick my foot in there!
God:
I want to thank everyone for the comments. In particular I would like to thank confess_or_explode for the opposing point of view. I do not claim to know everything, but I do know that it is important to respect the opinions of others. His was so well thought out… he is an amazing person. No offense intended whatsoever to him, but I think it just a little sad that people have to feel bad for who they are. For me and my belief (only), the notion of it’s okay to be, but not to act is horrible. It seems to tell someone that they can never be complete. I’d prefer not to upset anyone, least of all him, so I will just stop here. I do send him much love. God bless you all!
Poem:
Please vote on the best one of these Frank O’Hara poem pieces:
1.
It’s night. Am
I awake?
I am in heaven.
from Four Little Elegies
2
to be a blooming whale
and infinitely sad
it is no burden
to be free from fear
from Newsboy
3
Clouds pass in
my notorious eye
but you, through
all, I see
from A Hill
4
They say I mope too much
but really I’m loudly dancing.
from Katy
5
oh god it’s wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and love you so much
from Steps
July 23rd, 2004
Mom:
I just received an e-mail from my mom about living with your sins. While the point will not be lost, I will not be applying it to being gay. I just can’t since I don’t believe that this is wrong. She is trying though and I sent a very lengthy e-mail explaining how I feel about several issues, including my position on gays and Christianity and how I feel less loved than my straight brothers. It was kinda crazy, but oh well.
pathetic.org
I posted quite a bit on my poetry site last night! I am excited to be a part of it again.
Self:
I am officially lonely again. I just want someone to share my life with…
Robby:
He had been busy and I am neurotic!
Family:
E-mail I sent to my mom. Her response follows.
From: fuchsboi@cox.net
Subject: Mom… a few things
Date: July 23, 2004 6:37:12 AM CDT
To: (mom)
whosoever
This is an online magazine about and for gay Christians. It might be helpful for you to take a look at it.
Mom, one very important issue we do need to discuss is the difference in our individual beliefs on homosexuality. I do not believe that it is a sin to be me. I do not believe that ANY act of love is a sin, including all varieties of love between two men. It is very important to me that Jesus never spoke on this subject.
I have some books I will bring you that cover a lot of what I feel. I do not agree 100% with them, but the basics are there. There are no passages in the Bible which, in the original form, discuss gay men or lesbians. The closest is in Romans. But even this one discusses leaving natural relations with the opposite sex for the same. This makes no sense in my case, as I have a natural inclination to the same sex.
Somewhere along the way, I shook off the dogma I was raised with. I am so glad I did too. Earthly issues and Earthly things will not matter when we die. Not to us, and not to God. Why are we so worried about following some set list of regulations for personal conduct to gain access to a proverbial heavenly gate? There is no such place. Heaven is all around.
Here is the way I see the things we refer to as “Heaven” and “Hell:”
Heaven: A state of pure bliss for your soul, in which you feel the love of God at its purest. Always able to directly communicate and feel God. You become a part of God, in a way.
Hell: A state for your soul in which you have absolute knowledge that God exists, but you may not hear him, feel him or know the love he has to offer. This is a self inflicted existence. Your soul has become corrupted and evil.
I know that didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but there it is. God has bigger fish to fry than who I am attracted to.
Another thing that is extremely important for you to know is how much being gay defines me. I used to think that being gay is just a small part of who you are — like have freckles or blonde hair. That isn’t what someone is about, just identifying traits. I now feel 100% different. Being gay is who I am. Every decision I make is affected by it. I view the world with it on my mind constantly. And my future is dictated by it. I am a gay man, not just a man who happens to be gay. I will not have the traditions, father the children, be a part of any of that normality. It doesn’t bother me like it used to. Sure, those things would be great, but I now know I can live a wonderful and fulfilling life. I just had to redefine my goals. Again, every part of my life has to do with being gay.
I also don’t want pity. I am over it. No, we haven’t discussed it, but I am gay and have known for nearly ten years now. I admitted it to myself eight years ago and I knew something of it when I was a very young kid. I can share those things with you if you want. They are the dirty little secrets and I will understand you not wanting to hear them. But they are precious to me. They are my memories. I knew when I was at Rainbow.
I am glad you want to understand, but I know who I am now… I have for a long time. I am sorry that you missed out on that — you don’t even know how bad I feel for that. I had to do it alone, but I want you to ask questions if you need to, but be careful not to try to change who I am. I already figured it out, even if I didn’t share. This sounds terrible and I really meant it to sound nice… Hmm…
I really love you and really miss being so close. I hope we can take care of that now!
Brian
p.s. I have to tell you the most horrible thing I did recently. I was talking to Lori (because I had a date that didn’t go very well) about how I was tired of not being able to talk about being gay with my family. I basically told her that I didn’t feel like I was as loved as my straight brothers because I had to hide my life — I am the dirty little secret. I was crying as I told her this. I then told her I would never feel like my parents loved me — meaning the real me — until they asked me casually if I was seeing anyone or if I had a boyfriend yet or some other sort of question one would ask about me having a girlfriend if I was straight. And I meant it. This was about one week before you called. I had cried out to God about it… my heart hurt so much… and He answered. I am so happy that you called (even if you had to drive to the top of a mountain) because it showed me just how much I am loved. Equally. That was of such importance to me and I know I should never have doubted it… Thank you again. I love you.
From: (mom)
Date: July 23, 2004 8:34:18 AM CDT
To: fuchsboi@cox.net
thank you so much Brian- loved your email and you should be kicked in the butt for thinking your mom or dad thought less of you, we have always loved you-period. … mom
July 21st, 2004
Yesterday:
Okay, I seriously have no idea what my problem was yesterday. I was just so… blah. Today is better. Today I feel normal. It is so good to not feel so bad.
Work:
I am really trying to stay out of the crap going on at work, but it is too much sometimes. It is constant with people not doing any work, being completely inappropriate, and oblivious to the fact that they need to start shaping up. I want it to be over now. However, I do not feel that I am hurting the situation by staying out of it. I am sorry to anyone who feels that way. I understand what they mean, but the only way for me to help my own situation is to do what I feel is right and not be pressured to get involved.
Family:
My mom is back from North Carolina. I am so excited, even though I won’t be able to see her for a while still. Ugh. I am just thrilled that I don’t have to hide who I am in my parents’ house anymore. I think just that will take care of a lot of tension and distance that has been between my parents and me. I also know that it will be hard, because although Mom wants to understand being gay, she doesn’t currently understand. It will be a very rewarding part of my life.
Vacation:
I am greatly anticipating my next block of vacation, which starts next week. I can’t wait to see Robby & Jim. I am really looking forward to getting away again. And when I return, I only work one day and then I am off for my birthday!!! Yay! I will be 25. I am not really sure if I am comfortable with that, but I really have no choice. I don’t so much mind getting older, but I do mind not being young any longer. Does that make sense?
July 20th, 2004
Cleaning:
How lazy of me! Lori is bagging trash as I write this and I am still sitting here. Blah! It’s hot, I’m tired, and work basically sucks. Whatever.
July 19th, 2004
Vacation:
Fifty freakin’ bucks later, we have pictures!!! I will post less flattering pictures later. There are some great ones of my neice, KC, that I’ll post too!
Family:
Bradley stopped by the store today. He wanted to come by later, but didn’t tell me that at the time. I feel kinda bad for not being patient with him, but I hadn’t even seen him for three months. The least he could do is stop by. He works here in Tulsa!!
July 17th, 2004
Writing:
This is what I wrote the other day at work (while not working!!!). I think I like them… I hope you all do too. I will try and post more poetry in the future, but on a different site. That way you will only get it if you want it! Let me know what you think of these.
Meghan’s DVDs
Staring at the overly-ordered shelves
I wish vacation had never ended and
long for the next one to begin
This excessive order often makes me angry
a kind of unnecessary anger over order
that I cannot create myself
Today it is a relief from the chaos
it might have been
and I know I should thank Meghan
(the girl ripped from an Italian fashion magazine)
this order is hers
For now I am still thinking about past and future
ventures away from here
longing to escape the present
and I am still mesmerized by the intensity
of uniformity
of unclutteredness
of space
7.15.2004
Six Thoughts On Being
I
I let myself get sunburned again,
like I do every year.
This is a lesson I may never learn.
II
How strange a new hole seems
when it’s tender and swollen.
And how difficult it is to not
have it filled once it has healed.
III
Turquoise makes me sad
because my grandmother is dead.
IV
It would have been nice to have
been Frank O’Hara — to have written
those things and to be remembered.
But I don’t own a typewriter and
I just realized that I am not sad.
And look! Words.
V
I need more Texas and more sleep
and I miss my mother, who I haven’t seen
in three months. I hate North Carolina.
VI
I want something beautiful
tattooed on my arm
and I want a joint.
I want the sweetness
of something intoxicating
to fill my lungs
and make me feel alive.
Even now I can taste
that distant memory
and crave it.
7.15.2004
Money:
Yeah, so I have been purchasing too much (as usual). How many t-shirts do I really need? I just bought 8 and I bought 6ish before my vacation last week!!! Good Lord, I am an idiot.
Work:
I very much get frustrated by being a manager. There are some awesome people that I would like to hang out with, but can’t because they are my employees (Meghan, Jill, Sarah…)… damn. Oh well… It is weird because I am usually so okay with it. Blah!
Friends:
I have the best friends ever! Yay.
July 16th, 2004
House:
My house in a horrible, horrible mess. I really need to do something about it (instead of just saying I will). Blah! There were things that had fallen on my in my bed during the night and I am not even sure where they were to begin with! Awful. Help has been offered, but I feel bad that anyone else has to deal with this. Again, blah. I guess I need to learn how to organize…
Me:
Lori was over last night because I wanted to tell her about my mom (which I actually did down at her place, but anyway). I went in to cool off in front of the fan in my bedroom (A/C doesn’t work well) and totally fell asleep. I really didn’t mean to go to bed while she was still here. I doubt very much that she will care, but I still feel a little guilty.
July 15th, 2004
Mom:
So my mom called this evening. She wanted to talk about the “gay thing.” I only told her 5 years ago… she still hasn’t figured it all out. But it was so wonderful… she wants to talk about it, understand it, and have it be a part of our lives (not just my secret). She still is uneasy with it, but she is making an effort and that is so great. I cried a lot after she called and then called Travis because it is nice to talk to old friends in these happy times (and in sad times). I am elated that she shared what she was feeling and wants to treat me like my brothers… that is all I have ever wanted. She has seriously made my year! …
Caught!:
Okay, okay… I was up into the wee hours of the morning. I just could not sleep. My entire body itches from the stupid sunburn. ITCHES! I just got some itch relief though… thank God. Now maybe I can sleep like a normal person. Thanks for worrying though… I like it when people are concerned about me!
Work:
So I spent about 75% of my time doing or thinking about work… which was pretty good for my first day back. I actually decided I like work after today. It was all just stress built up. The 25% that I was not working I was writing. I will post what I wrote when I have it finished. It needs revision. I really like retail, which is weird. I grew up thinking of it as crap work, but it can be rewarding. I am glad that opinion changed. I never like looking down on people.
Justin’s Birthday:
We went to Casa Bonita for Justin’s birthday dinner. It was good, but they no longer had cloth napkins. We were all taken aback by the bins full of rolled paper. Casa Bonita was one of the last places holding on to the cloth napkin… and it was quite nice. We ate (too much), took pictures of Justin opening gifts, and spent some time in the arcade. I love ski ball! I didn’t play anything else last night… God that is fun. We took Justin back to Patrick’s (after I borrowed a movie I had given as a gift ). It was a fun night and I can’t wait for the picture I took of Jess eating… she was not happy with me at all.
