The Perks Of Being A Mama’s Boy

Game Day:
Last Friday night, Bradley & I went to his friend John’s house to use his internet connection. John works until 2:00 a.m., so he isn’t oblivious to the reason behind our 11:30 p.m. visits to his empty house (except for the bird… and I might help kill the bird). Anyway, we have a tendancy to stay until morning, as we talk when John returns (this WILL be happening again tomorrow night).

So, Saturday was a day of sleep. I woke up pretty late to sounds of a football game. I hadn’t been around my mom & OSU football since high school. I had forgotten. It is high-spirited, fun, loud,… weird. She loves football. My dad, on the other hand, finds football too trivial to be bothered with. Largely, Brad & I agree. Brent will watch on occasion. This particular game was a biggie though. I remember vaguely asking who we were playing as I slowly became aware of my surroundings. Nebraska.

We were losing and by halftime, Mom had decided to not finish watching and, in fact, never watch another game again. Dramatics. She & I drove in to get some sodas. Since she didn’t want to watch the game, I took along Sugarland & Rascal Flatts, knowing she would enjoy them both. Curiousity did eventually get the best of her and she switched the radio to the OSU station. We had scored a number of times and were now winning the game. We had to return home.

We did beat Nebraska.

Mom was so excited during the game that I felt guilty at making any negative comments towards her. It was fun and so odd, being sports related. I, if it wasn’t obvious, am not a sports fan at all. I do care if Oklahoma State wins, which is good. And I care if OU loses, which is good. But overall, I have no passion for anything sports related. Spending happy moments with Mom, however trivial, is awesome though.

Winds Of Change:
The wind is really blowing hard today. It is great to experience wind again, as Alaska’s version of wind is rather pathetic. Problem: allergies. After a week, they have finally started to bother me, no doubt because the wind kicked up something. I don’t like feeling sick on vacation, but will if this keeps up all week.

Today, Mom & Ann (her sister) went to a funeral in Oklahoma City. I felt bad that I couldn’t go when Ann asked me to go. They are fun together. I am turning into those two. I am both happy and frustrated about that, but can do nothing about it. There is no need to overthink it. I will go see Ann tomorrow while I am in Tulsa. I wish I had longer to spend with everyone. I have a lot of love to spread around, but such a small amount of time to do it in. And still I find myself in solitude a lot. Curious.

I hope there is snow on the ground when I return to Anchorage… even just a little bit.

Of Unicorns & Men

Great Expectations:
I had been looking forward to dinner with my Tulsa friends since I made plans to be in Oklahoma. But when it came time for it to happen, there was nobody around to eat with. I am excluding Jess & Justin, who I love, but talk to fairly regularly. I couldn’t wait to see Meghan, Emily, Jeff, Jill, Molly, Marla… someone. But none responded tothe invite.

I had a great dinner with Justin & Jess. We went briefly to Target, where I got a shirt to wear so I didn’t have to drive home from the club smelling like an ashtray. Then we decided to eat at On The Border. I love that place and was not disappointed in last night’s fare. And I ordered my Sprite, no ice, with limes. Limes, being not expensive here, are generously given. I got an entire glass full. I love it.

I wanted to spend more time with Justin, but he had to wake early, so he had to go. I made plans to spend more time on Tuesday. I can’t wait to see him. He is so important to me. The three of us went to Barnes & Noble, where I had hoped to find a magazine. I did not. I did, however, get to see Bettina, Ray, Jill, & Matt. I really do miss that place, but I am glad I am making Borders my home now.

Of Unicorns & Men:
Jess & I went to The Majestic for some dancing fun. It was just as I remembered it, a loud, dark, sweaty place where shirts don’t stay on for long. Everyone was gyrating and having a great time. It was the Halloween celebration and costumes were out in full force. Many an angel graced the club — one in particular repeatedly poked his sharp wings into my back. I liked it more than I should.

Of course, all of these costumes led to a contest, hosted by a unicorn. The costumes were sad. The gays should be able to do better, but the evening was pretty fun. I love the darker music of Halloween clubbing. Jess remarked that it was a good thing I changed out of my “Unicorn Rodeo” shirt before getting there. I was thinking I wish I hadn’t. That attention would have been okay.

I love dancing and really need to go more often. Anchorage needs a good gay club.

The rest of this week should prove fun. I am very excited that I got to go to Tulsa. I really miss Tulsa. It still feels like home to me. I could easily move back today and not miss a beat. But now Anchorage is also feeling like home and would surely miss it just as much… or at least the people.

Three Men in a House, Not to Mention the Dog

Grand Day Out!

I had a fantastic day with my family. It started really early, when waffles were the reason for waking me up. Too early. I was cranky, but got over it after a while. Dad & I drove Mom’s car into town to get a tune up so I can borrow it for the weekend. While the car was at the shop, we went to Curly’s (a local burger place that is great), an antique store, a thrift store, & a used book store. I ended up with a copy of Heidi, a thesaurus, & a “fat devil” salt shaker. I didn’t need any of it, but the shopping was fun.

When it was determined that the car would not be ready for another 6 hours, we went back to the farm to hang out for a while. At some point, I must’ve fallen asleep because Mom woke me up to watch the girls while she and Dad returned for her car. Brad had stopped by at that moment and he and I hung out and talked while watching KC & Avery.

When Mom & Dad came back, they brought pizza. Laurisa wasn’t far behind. We all ate, talked, and generally had a good time. Unfortunately, Laurisa and the girls had to leave and the evening became a lot more calm.

Not long after that, Mom got a call about a family member who passed away. She retired to her room, where she was on the phone the rest of the evening, talking and making plans for going to the funeral. Dad, Brad, & I talked for a couple hours. We ripped music, made CDs, & talked about whatever. It was nice, but I hated that Mom was in pain in her room.

Now, I am at John’s house. John is Brad’s best friend. He has been kind enough to allow me to use his internet connection. And to sit around and talk, which is fun to do and different from sitting in Mom & Dad’s quiet house trying to not make any noise. My brain is functioning at a different time.

Oklahoma

So, I have been rather critical of my current visit with my family. I came home to Stillwater, Oklahoma after having spent the past year in Alaska. I am only here for 2 weeks and had very specific expectations of what this trip would be. Firstly, there would be exuberance and rejoicing over my return. Celebration and merriment would follow and I would enjoy many days of relaxing conversation with my parents at their new home outside of town.

That did not happen. The lack of interest in me once I arrived made me feel severely unneeded. Perhaps it is a blessing to know this. It doesn’t make knowing it any easier to know that my family can exist happily without me. It hurts a little. And this growing pain was something that needed to occur. I realize that I was never going to grow if I considered myself just one of my parents’ children instead of viewing myself as an independant individual, capable of being my own person.

I am capable.

I have only been gone for a year, but is seems like so much longer. Things I never took notice of before, suddenly stick out like bits of bone in the most delicious piece of fish I’ve ever eaten. I want to love it so much, but it just isn’t quite right. Conversely, things I took for granted seem like little blessings that only I seem to be aware of — the price of groceries, the proximity of family, dirt roads — and nobody else is taking notice. I miss this place, but I am happy to not be here at the same time.

My parents have changed. My brothers have changed. And there are small children, ready to take any attention left from whomever is around. It is a chaotic place, full of love and life, but completely unwelcoming to me. Because I wish it was the way it used to be.

Not In Alaska:
I have been enjoying the small pleasures I cannot get in Alaska. Trips: Sonic X2, Whataburger, Wal-Mart Supercenter X2, Wall’s, Bath & Bodyworks. I plan to go to a thrift store & Wall’s today and this weekend I will be going to Target, Bangkok, & hopefully Tuesday Morning and/or Hobby Lobby.

{edit}

Let me make things more clear. I really do love my family. They are the best family I could hope for. They are the most generous, most caring, & most interesting people I know. I was simply disappointed in the state of things in regards to the way I was treated on my returning after a year.

Stuck In Hell

I finally left for my vacation.  After 9 hours of flights and airports and weird smells, I arrived in Dallas, where my uncle picked me up (an hour later).  We arrived at his house this morning early.  He went back to bed and I was up for about an hour winding down.  Finally, I went to bed.  I had told him I needed to go to a few places while in town,but he is not here.  His car, the one I was told I could use, is not here.  My cousins, who I haven’t seen in a year, have not been here at all.  WHAT IS GOING ON?

I guess I expected fanfare and am just angry that it never happened.  Why should they want to see me???  So, I am stuck here at my uncle’s house.  I have no idea when I am leaving, since he is not available like he said he was.  I have no deodorant or toothpaste because I needed to get them when I arrived and I have no way of getting to a store.  And the phone keeps ringing… my uncle called while I was typing… my cousin apparently took the car that had been left for me.  He should not have done that, but we don’t know where he is right now. 

I am tired and a little cranky, but it will all be fine.  Stan did just suggest that I drive up to IKEA in the morning and told me where to find some food here.

I can’t wait to see my family.

Dwelling On Lori

Two things have been bugging me for the past few days. First, Lori. Yes, I know — this drama is tired and I need to stop dwelling on it. In an effort to make clear what I feel, I have posted the lyrics to both of my “Lori songs” (both by Scissor Sisters). The first, Mary, is the way I felt when Lori was still around. It was the relationship we had. I miss that time. The second, Almost Sorry, is the way I feel about Lori now. It is darker and cynical and fairly accurate about the anger I have built up.

The other thing bugging me is the death of the real Mary (from the song). Having never known the woman, hearing that she died was very sad to me.

Mary

I love the tone that’s in your laugh
Gasping for an extra breath
Waiting for the time to pass
I believe in days ahead
Don’t spend another night alone
Cross and wishing you were dead.

Mary, you shouldn’t let them make you mad
You hold the best you can
And Mary, after all the pain is gone
I’m always gonna live to be your man.

I’ve had it easy now you see
When I’m down you’re always there
Standing by to comfort me
Someday we’ll go round the world
I’ll make the journey so sublime
I know you’re not a travelin’ girl.

Mary, you shouldn’t let ‘em make you mad
You hold the best you can
And Mary, after all the pain is gone
I’m always gonna live to be your man.

Cause I’d give everything I have
Forget all the things that bring me joy
If you could have one day of
Pure and simple happiness
Until that moment comes
I’ll be here where I’ve always been
I’m gonna be your friend
Until the day I die.

Mary, you shouldn’t let ‘em make you mad
You hold the best you can
And Mary, after all the pain is gone
I’m always gonna live to be your man.

Almost Sorry

if anyone was headed for the gates of hell i knew you’d be first
i used to picture your obituary and i wished you the worst
the danger of the playground
the radio said you drowned
and i’m sorry
almost
almost sorry

no sympathy is given to the perpetrator charged with the crime
im willing to admit that it feels good to be a victim sometimes
and i wont ever get to thank you for the terrible things you said
’cause i’m sorry
almost
that you’re dead to the world
where i hoped you would be
never imagined you’d live on in me
you gave me destination but i paid for the ride
the place you punched my ticket left a crater inside
where i cried (he cried)
where i cried (you died)

where i cried from the bruises
learned to live with the scars
now you live in the mirror
when i look there you are
you’re the shadow on the faces of the people i meet
have you claimed eternal shotgun in my passenger seat
well i’m sorry
almost
almost sorry

sometimes the best design is done by damage
the accident can cease
the rainbow still looks pretty when it bleeds

Weird ailments n’ such

My Legs Strike Again:
Saturday, while I was working, I began having pain in my legs. It eventually got to the point that I couldn’t really walk and I was forced to sit for a couple of hours at my desk doing work that, while needed to be done, was not as much fun as working on the floor on a Saturday afternoon. It was a little better for the last 15 minutes of my shift when I returned to the floor. Having taken pain reliever (which I never do), I was tired and went home to sleep off whatever the problem was.

Jess called and woke me up after a while and we went searching for Heather & Jake. We didn’t find them and ended up at The Raven, a sleezy neighborhood gay bar, known for drug use and STDs. I was in the mood for filth. I actually enjoyed myself, as it was quiet and practically empty. We talked and left messages on Heather’s machine.

Finally, we ended up at Heather’s, where we ordered pizza and watched Wayne’s World 2 (of all things). It was a great time and a lot of skin was exposed! Jess’ underwear was exposed — and bills were inserted into the sides. Jake bore his chest and pressed it against the window to the porch in a random moment of exhibitionism. It was fun and made me very happy to be here in Alaska with people I enjoy.

Sunday morning, I woke up in pain. My legs had not only gotten worse, but my entire body was sore. It was weird, like a burning sensation just under the skin, but not muscle. I called out and slept all day. I didn’t feel like standing up until 6:00 a.m. Monday morning. By that time, the pain was gone. Nearly as quickly as it had started, it was gone.

Del Marquis:
I was thrilled to discover music by Del on his MySpace account. He is awesome and it was great to hear his music independantly of Scissor Sisters. Don’t get me wrong, SS still makes me tear up, but it was nice to hear the difference.

Pier 1:
I know it will get better, but I am still plagued with longing for David. It is just something to get over, I guess. I wish him well and I know that this was not about me. I am such a fantastic person that anyone would be lucky to have me.

Fear and Lusting In Anchorage

I revealed something to a friend… a crush. I am terrified of what will happen next (good or bad). I just needed to get it off my heart and let him know because it was consuming me, keeping me up at night. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in months and I can’t stop thinking about him. It felt like the right thing to do. Unfortunately, he was unavailable, so I left a message, telling him everything that I needed him to know. If I had waited, I would have lost my nerve.

I don’t really know what to think right now. I guess it was the best way to deal with it, but I still have this fear of people thinking about me when I am not around. I want people to love me, but I don’t really want them giving much thought to me when I am not with them… which is probably why gifts make me uncomfortable. The idea that the person was considering me is unsettling. (Is this just another step on the road to needing therapy?)

I can’t wait for my vacation. I leave in a week and I am nowhere near ready. I look forward to spending time with my family and have made some definite plans with friends to go dancing. I think the trip will be very emotional from start to finish. We’ll see.

A huge thank you to Heather (& Jake). I have spent ever so much time at their home using the internet. It is very kind of them to be so patient with me.

Curtis and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

My father called a number of times yesterday. Today has been a very bittersweet mixed emotion kind of day. Good news should always come first: the condo is gone. Finally. For those who know that I have been trying to sell it for nearly a full year, will know that this comes as a great relief! The check was cut and now plane tickets can finally be purchased so I can go home for a couple of weeks. It was a great relief in theory, but I was not filled with any emotion after hearing that it was finalized. Really… nothing.

Child Services was called to my brother’s house. My brother was in the middle of installing a new toilet and the house had been left chaotic in the wake of my sister-in-law’s latest fit. It was decided, based entirely on the fact that the house was messy (not dirty or dangerous), that the kids should not live in that house. My parents were the obvious choice, having raised the two since they were born. However, the agent assigned to the case, accused my parents of having lied about the living situation several months ago. My brother and family were living with my parents, but when visited by Child Services, the house was very clean and it was assumed that there couldn’t be 6 people living in the house. Not that my parents were even interviewed or asked about anything at all. Now, this is where the problem exists. My parents, who act as both of the kids’ parents, were told they were not as fit to take care of them as the other grandmother, who has seen the kids 3 or 4 times this year.

Letter writing is in order.

Being in the system is really hard. The kids will be followed until they are 18, based entirely on a nosey neighbor and a messy house. It hurts me to know that my parents have something else to deal with. The last thing they need is more stress.

I wanted to vent about all of this to Heather, but we were ambushed by someone else. She has her own problems, and one drink too many. The evening became about her completely. I am exhausted by it. And somehow, I will miss her when she moves.