2008

Christmas is starting to get further and further behind us. It all just rushed by too quickly this year. I normally don’t care for the holidays, but really felt good about them this year. It felt as though I had found a place I really belonged. I’m relieved to have found people I am that comfortable around and who seemed just as happy to include me in their plans. I could not have been blessed with better friends.

It has been a good year. I have a terrific job, amazing friends, & life seems generally great. I cannot hope for much more from 2009. I’m looking forward to finding out what this year will be all about.

I try not to make any resolutions, so I will continue resisting. Six months from now I may find that I stopped or started something very near the beginning of the year. That happened when I stopped eating meat (2007) and when I stopped using plastic bags (2008). I wonder who I’ll be during the year I turn 30.

And now, some dreadful poetry.

New

The ends are beginning
arbitrary moments in time –
halts

reflection washes over the dissatisfied
resolve replacing regret as a new chapter is written
in a life not quite lived, but often contemplated

Time does not pause
does not wait for understanding
does not wait for readiness
does not cooperate
does not expect us to be someone new

12.31.2008

Yep, that was horrible! I guess they can’t all be amazing.

I’m really looking forward to starting the business I want to start. I need to save some money first though. I think an online retail business is something I am very capable of doing though. For now, etsy will have to be my outlet for that. It has been fun creating some things just for the shop. I am itching to get into buying wholesale papercrafting supplies and selling them though. It’ll happen.

I’ve been pretty homesick for my family in Oklahoma. Fortunately, I’ve been able to surround myself with love, which has helped. I still am anxious to get home for a visit, but listlessness does nothing for me. I’d rather feel whole and visit because I want to, not because I have to. July seems so far away though.

I hope the holidays are treating everyone as well as they have been treating me.

All my respect

Last night I saw Milk, Gus Van Sant’s new movie about Harvey Milk. It was amazing and worth watching for anyone. Harvey Milk has always been one of my idols and this film painted his life so beautifully. Sean Penn portrays him so well that I often forgot that I was watching Sean Penn… that is a great thing.

Get out there and see this one. It is a moving tribute to a real hero.

We’ve started an etsy shop. Visit it here! I’m starting out a bit simple, but as soon as I make more time there will be more stuff on there. Visit, spend money, repeat frequently.

{Love:Hope}

I’ve been trying to find the words. Life has seemed so dreamlike, but simultaneously empty since Thanksgiving. I don’t mean to make this about me. Like so many things in life though, my narcissism will likely take over here.

Thanksgiving 2008 will be one of those days that sticks in my mind; it’s a day that shook things up. It may have changed everything, but it is far too soon to tell. During dinner, David proposed to Daniel. He brought the ring in on a piece of pumpkin pie, told Daniel that he was thankful for him and asked Daniel to marry him. I could barely control my emotions. Neither could anyone else. My entire body sighed with relief and excitement as Daniel said yes to David.

I have no way to express how beautiful that moment was and how happy it makes me feel; the words aren’t enough or are not quite there. It just filled me with great peace.

But this has meant much more to me than that. This year has been important for me. I spent my early twenties thinking I could take care of everyone else — should take care of everyone else. It brought me a great deal of happiness, but took so much of my energy that I never stopped to take care of myself. As soon as I got into a groove, I couldn’t remember how to take care of myself and have spent my late twenties content to be alone. I feel like I am just waiting for the next person who needs me to take care of them, resisting full on codependency only just. I forgot how to chase down dates and how to talk to men. I’m now paralyzed with fear, my instincts drained away with my youth.

I can’t sleep. This engagement has been a painful wake-up call of sorts. I want so much to find the love that I see between David & Daniel. I can’t help my jealousy, which I’m terrified to say I’ve often misinterpreted as longings for both of them. Coming together in this way made things clearer. This is right. Heaven opened up and touched these two lovely souls and built a mutual path for them to travel together. I want that. I deserve that. I need that.

I’ve never been interested in playing around, going through lines of guys trying to find one I can spend my life with and just sleeping with the rest. I want a friend — a soulmate. I believe it is out there for me and I am so anxious to find it.

I’m very happy for my friends. This next year is going to be amazing. And I will not accept loneliness anymore. My life is waiting and I cannot keep putting it on hold for needy friends who don’t need me to stop being myself.

Congratulations David & Daniel! You two are perfect and give me hope. I love you both.