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Cercis canadensis

When we had tried
putting ourselves together again
we’d used the wrong parts,
made effigies of ourselves
with the piles of distorted junk,
left behind scraps of a once-full life.
We went through the motions of people
spoke like them, practicing their accents,
but did not understand our own words.
We got the phrases wrong,
the tones, the memories.
Periodically, we’d erupt into full color
flowers growing from every part
and our days seemed alive with joy.
But we would catch ourselves lost in time,
eyes fixed on a long-abandoned walker,
a long-absent bed,
a long-neglected garden,
at the things we find so important now
and the flowers would fall from our bodies.
I gave up on trying to find the parts
of myself I missed most,
stopped looking for who I had been before. I’ve been more comfortable with discomfort,
waiting for others to finally leave the safety
of their beds, the safety of their tears.
And we’ve started to share ourselves again,
imagining Spring, redbuds flushed fuchsia,
grief removed from our shoulders,
sadness washed from our faces
by the showers of April and storms of May.
We will remember how to be happy
and how to be sad and how to be,
and we’ll see the long-forgotten remnants
and we will understand who we are.

Notes

Written 19 April 2019 in Payne County, Oklahoma. Rewritten 5 September 2019 in Payne County, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “Cercis canadensis” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)

 

Cercis canadensis

When we had tried
putting ourselves together again
we’d used the wrong parts,
made effigies of ourselves
with the piles of distorted junk,
left behind scraps of a once-full life.
We went through the motions of people
spoke like them, practicing their accents,
but did not understand our own words.
We got the phrases wrong,
the tones, the memories.
Periodically, we’d erupt into full color
flowers growing from every part
and our days seemed alive with joy.
But we would catch ourselves lost in time,
eyes fixed on a long-abandoned walker,
a long-absent bed,
a long-neglected garden,
at the things we find so important now
and the flowers would fall from our bodies.
I gave up on trying to find the parts
of myself I missed most,
stopped looking for who I had been before.
I’ve been more comfortable with discomfort,
waiting for others to finally leave the safety
of their beds, the safety of their tears.
And we’ve started to share ourselves again,
imagining Spring, redbuds flushed fuchsia,
grief removed from our shoulders,
sadness washed from our faces
by the showers of April and storms of May.
We will remember how to be happy
and how to be sad and how to be,
and we’ll see the long-forgotten remnants
and we will understand who we are.

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The week started out very hot.  I actually lost a rose bush to the heat; it had been struggling to grow anyway, so I’m not terribly surprised.  I was still not feeling great part of the week, so it felt a little like I was getting back to life in slow motion.  I did manage to get the lawn mowed, which was more exciting than it should have been, and cut down one small tree.  Other than that, my only real efforts in my garden were pruning and deadheading.  Oh, and lamenting the loss of that rose.  I was looking forward to that one, but the heat was even stressing some of the crapemyrtles, and they can handle heat pretty well.  We had a storm come through last night and that pretty much took the worst of the heat with it.  We can enjoy a couple of cooler days now.  I have not seen most of the youngest kittens for a couple of days, which is a worry.  Sometimes they do disappear for a few, but I’m worried that they didn’t make it.  The property is so large and wooded, and the cats all spend time exploring, that I might never really know what happened unless they show back up on the porch.

Dad’s birthday was Friday and we all had dinner made by Conner, which was nice.  We also had a variety of cakes, including one failure by me and Justin.  I don’t know why it just wasn’t working, but my third attempt was good.  It actually stayed at home because it was too hot to take.  At least I know I can make a cake, even if it took me three tries!

Featured Artists this week:

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Life can really slap you in the face sometimes. I got a gentle reminder that I am not in control on Monday. My brother called me at work; I knew something was wrong, since he had never called me at work before. “Don’t freak out,” he said, “but Dad had another heart attack. He is fine; they flew him to Mercy Hospital in [Oklahoma] City.”

Don’t freak out? Is it ever possible to not freak out when you are told not to freak out? Of course, the first thing I thought of is that I hope Mom doesn’t reach for a bottle. That just wouldn’t help anything, but knew that it was a strong possibility. Brent gave me all the information he had and told me that he would keep me posted. I was pretty much useless the rest of the day at work.

When I got home, I called Brent. Everything seemed to have gone smoothly. The heart attack started around 1:00 p.m. & by 3:45 p.m. they had finished putting in a stent at a hospital 60 miles away. My dad had wanted to play a joke on my mom at the hospital. He wanted the nurse to get him a toe tag and pull the sheet up over his head for her arrival. She would not have been amused, so I am thankful that the nurse refused. I do, however, find it funny myself.

I finally talked to him that evening. He sounded fine & had plenty of energy. What scares me is that it was a massive attack and his doctor said he was lucky to have gone to the hospital when he did; he might not have survived otherwise. I am not ready at all for something like that to happen. Not only can I not imagine losing one of my parents, but mine are both great friends and people I would want to know even if I wasn’t related to them. They are good people, wonderfully naïve about the indecencies in the world. Wholesome.

It has really made me think though. I guess this is a typical reaction — the assessment of the family bond and the closeness to those who just went through whatever ordeal. “Why?” has never been important to me. I really don’t care “why” events occur. My dad’s heart attack is no exception to that. It really doesn’t matter, what matters is “how do we keep it from happening again?” The doctor informed him, as doctors will do, that he needs to quit smoking. But in this case, he has a point… a strong one. The heart attack, in all of its ferocity, was brought on almost entirely because of smoking. Dad spends long hours working outside and is in excellent health in many respects. However, he does tend to cough a lot (more and more recently, I’ve noticed). I guess it is time to stop, if he can. And I hope sincerely that he can. He is too important to too many people.

Any blessings from this? Maybe. My brothers both have a tendancy to drop their kids off with my parents. I understand this. They have to make ends meet and you do what you can to struggle through with a young family. I get it. But Mom & Dad have both been pretty exhausted with it all lately. They’ve needed a break. Mom’s back needs some time & Dad just needs some time off for his mental health. Now, it seems they will get a little break. It is unfortunate that it had to happen in this way though.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Bradley is facing the end of his marriage. It has been coming for some time. When they first got married, Jess was great. I still think she is a good person and fun to be around. But she and Brad, who enjoyed a weirdly romantic & tumultuous relationship, have drifted apart rather calmly.

This would all be much ado about nothing if it wasn’t for the two kids. Brad & Jess have two boys, who are being used, as happens so often, to cause Brad more pain. He is repetedly denied seeing his boys by Jess, who has decided to move in with her mother, who is in the midst of mourning her husband, and who until very recently had nothing to do with the kids. Even now, her version of watching them is to take them to the neighbor’s house and have her watch them.

It angers me.

Bradley has a strong case for custody of those two boys, but I am afraid he will never try to make it, as he clings to hope that the marriage will survive. I just wish there was a better solution to the entire situation… that I would have confidence that I will know my nephews as they grow up. I am not so sure.

The boat has been rocked. We are in a cosmic reality show and all the viewers are waiting to see what we will do next. It is a great cliffhanger to the end of this season, but the choices we make in the near future could dictate entire decades of our lives.

Images: photo by Oliver Wilks; art by Brian Fuchs; Joan Arend Kickbush, Foxes (c.1969)

Featured Image Art: Jirayr Zorthian, Fox Skulk Den (1957)

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Game Day:
Last Friday night, Bradley & I went to his friend John’s house to use his internet connection. John works until 2:00 a.m., so he isn’t oblivious to the reason behind our 11:30 p.m. visits to his empty house (except for the bird… and I might help kill the bird). Anyway, we have a tendancy to stay until morning, as we talk when John returns (this WILL be happening again tomorrow night).

So, Saturday was a day of sleep. I woke up pretty late to sounds of a football game. I hadn’t been around my mom & OSU football since high school. I had forgotten. It is high-spirited, fun, loud,… weird. She loves football. My dad, on the other hand, finds football too trivial to be bothered with. Largely, Brad & I agree. Brent will watch on occasion. This particular game was a biggie though. I remember vaguely asking who we were playing as I slowly became aware of my surroundings. Nebraska.

We were losing and by halftime, Mom had decided to not finish watching and, in fact, never watch another game again. Dramatics. She & I drove in to get some sodas. Since she didn’t want to watch the game, I took along Sugarland & Rascal Flatts, knowing she would enjoy them both. Curiousity did eventually get the best of her and she switched the radio to the OSU station. We had scored a number of times and were now winning the game. We had to return home.

We did beat Nebraska.

Mom was so excited during the game that I felt guilty at making any negative comments towards her. It was fun and so odd, being sports related. I, if it wasn’t obvious, am not a sports fan at all. I do care if Oklahoma State wins, which is good. And I care if OU loses, which is good. But overall, I have no passion for anything sports related. Spending happy moments with Mom, however trivial, is awesome though.

Winds Of Change:
The wind is really blowing hard today. It is great to experience wind again, as Alaska’s version of wind is rather pathetic. Problem: allergies. After a week, they have finally started to bother me, no doubt because the wind kicked up something. I don’t like feeling sick on vacation, but will if this keeps up all week.

Today, Mom & Ann (her sister) went to a funeral in Oklahoma City. I felt bad that I couldn’t go when Ann asked me to go. They are fun together. I am turning into those two. I am both happy and frustrated about that, but can do nothing about it. There is no need to overthink it. I will go see Ann tomorrow while I am in Tulsa. I wish I had longer to spend with everyone. I have a lot of love to spread around, but such a small amount of time to do it in. And still I find myself in solitude a lot. Curious.

I hope there is snow on the ground when I return to Anchorage… even just a little bit.

Image: photo of Quarterback Bobby Reid of Oklahoma State University’s football team during the 28 September gate against Nebraska

Featured Image Art: AI image (created using Wonder AI)

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Grand Day Out!

I had a fantastic day with my family. It started really early, when waffles were the reason for waking me up. Too early. I was cranky, but got over it after a while. Dad & I drove Mom’s car into town to get a tune up so I can borrow it for the weekend. While the car was at the shop, we went to Curly’s (a local burger place that is great), an antique store, a thrift store, & a used book store. I ended up with a copy of Heidi, a thesaurus, & a “fat devil” salt shaker. I didn’t need any of it, but the shopping was fun.

When it was determined that the car would not be ready for another 6 hours, we went back to the farm to hang out for a while. At some point, I must’ve fallen asleep because Mom woke me up to watch the girls while she and Dad returned for her car. Brad had stopped by at that moment and he and I hung out and talked while watching KC & Avery.

When Mom & Dad came back, they brought pizza. Laurisa wasn’t far behind. We all ate, talked, and generally had a good time. Unfortunately, Laurisa and the girls had to leave and the evening became a lot more calm.

Not long after that, Mom got a call about a family member who passed away. She retired to her room, where she was on the phone the rest of the evening, talking and making plans for going to the funeral. Dad, Brad, & I talked for a couple hours. We ripped music, made CDs, & talked about whatever. It was nice, but I hated that Mom was in pain in her room.

Now, I am at John’s house. John is Brad’s best friend. He has been kind enough to allow me to use his internet connection. And to sit around and talk, which is fun to do and different from sitting in Mom & Dad’s quiet house trying to not make any noise. My brain is functioning at a different time.

Images: AI images (created using Wonder AI)

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So, I have been rather critical of my current visit with my family. I came home to Stillwater, Oklahoma after having spent the past year in Alaska. I am only here for 2 weeks and had very specific expectations of what this trip would be. Firstly, there would be exuberance and rejoicing over my return. Celebration and merriment would follow and I would enjoy many days of relaxing conversation with my parents at their new home outside of town.

That did not happen. The lack of interest in me once I arrived made me feel severely unneeded. Perhaps it is a blessing to know this. It doesn’t make knowing it any easier to know that my family can exist happily without me. It hurts a little. And this growing pain was something that needed to occur. I realize that I was never going to grow if I considered myself just one of my parents’ children instead of viewing myself as an independant individual, capable of being my own person.

I am capable.

I have only been gone for a year, but is seems like so much longer. Things I never took notice of before, suddenly stick out like bits of bone in the most delicious piece of fish I’ve ever eaten. I want to love it so much, but it just isn’t quite right. Conversely, things I took for granted seem like little blessings that only I seem to be aware of — the price of groceries, the proximity of family, dirt roads — and nobody else is taking notice. I miss this place, but I am happy to not be here at the same time.

My parents have changed. My brothers have changed. And there are small children, ready to take any attention left from whomever is around. It is a chaotic place, full of love and life, but completely unwelcoming to me. Because I wish it was the way it used to be.

Not In Alaska:
I have been enjoying the small pleasures I cannot get in Alaska. Trips: Sonic X2, Whataburger, Wal-Mart Supercenter X2, Wall’s, Bath & Bodyworks. I plan to go to a thrift store & Wall’s today and this weekend I will be going to Target, Bangkok, & hopefully Tuesday Morning and/or Hobby Lobby.

{edit}

Let me make things more clear. I really do love my family. They are the best family I could hope for. They are the most generous, most caring, & most interesting people I know. I was simply disappointed in the state of things in regards to the way I was treated on my returning after a year.

Images: Oklahoma A&M logo; illustration of seated woman (McGill Library via Unsplash)

Featured Image Art: township map of Payne County, OK

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My father called a number of times yesterday. Today has been a very bittersweet mixed emotion kind of day. Good news should always come first: the condo is gone. Finally. For those who know that I have been trying to sell it for nearly a full year, will know that this comes as a great relief! The check was cut and now plane tickets can finally be purchased so I can go home for a couple of weeks. It was a great relief in theory, but I was not filled with any emotion after hearing that it was finalized. Really… nothing.

Child Services was called to my brother’s house. My brother was in the middle of installing a new toilet and the house had been left chaotic in the wake of my sister-in-law’s latest fit. It was decided, based entirely on the fact that the house was messy (not dirty or dangerous), that the kids should not live in that house. My parents were the obvious choice, having raised the two since they were born. However, the agent assigned to the case, accused my parents of having lied about the living situation several months ago. My brother and family were living with my parents, but when visited by Child Services, the house was very clean and it was assumed that there couldn’t be 6 people living in the house. Not that my parents were even interviewed or asked about anything at all. Now, this is where the problem exists. My parents, who act as both of the kids’ parents, were told they were not as fit to take care of them as the other grandmother, who has seen the kids 3 or 4 times this year.

Letter writing is in order.

Being in the system is really hard. The kids will be followed until they are 18, based entirely on a nosey neighbor and a messy house. It hurts me to know that my parents have something else to deal with. The last thing they need is more stress.

I wanted to vent about all of this to Heather, but we were ambushed by someone else. She has her own problems, and one drink too many. The evening became about her completely. I am exhausted by it. And somehow, I will miss her when she moves.

Image: vintage illustration of fox (from McGill Library via Unsplash)

Featured Image Art: Javad Alizadeh, “Ocean of Sorrow”

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We are here! Experiencing life in Alaska by way of vacation. Of course it is beautiful up here – that is pretty much common knowledge, but I didn’t expect such kind people. We arrived in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, searched the entire city of Anchorage for a hotel room (to no avail) and finally drove to Palmer and stayed in a motel there. That is where we are staying anyway. Palmer is the town where my dad grew up and we have been fortunate to be allowed to stay with one of his friends, Peter-Ann. She is so incredibly generous and I felt bad for being so quiet yesterday – I was just so tired.

Life does seem a little more laid back, especially out here in Palmer. I don’t know/don’t think it will be the same in Anchorage. I think we plan on going out there today to look for jobs and just see the town. I would be happy to find a job here, but the problem with small towns is that they rarely need more people. That won’t stop me from trying. All in all, I have found the experience so far very surreal. To look on a map, I am so far away from everything I am used to, but even here I feel at home. Being in Alaska doesn’t mean being in a foreign country – I guess that makes me sound a little ignorant, but somehow I always imagined it differently. But I do like it so far.

Jet lag being what it is, I am still a little tired – that was a long day of travel by anyone’s standards. We left Tulsa at 9:00a.m. for Dallas and then flew to Anchorage with a stop in Seattle. 6 hours of driving and 8 hours of flying… yikes. But the first leg of the flight was fun! It was Alaska Airlines inaugural flight from Dallas to Seattle. There was a buffet and Native Alaskan dancers at the gate in Dallas, a champagne toast, cake, and certificates on the plane. The crew was great and you could really tell that they love their airline. We did however get stuck with a motley crew of passengers around us. From the guy with part of an ear missing (which didn’t bother me for about 6 hours, but by that 8th hour I never wanted to see him or his ear again) to the woman with the back problem (she was 2 rows in front of us, but spent the ENTIRE flight from Dallas to Seattle turned around talking to a woman she didn’t know in a seat in front of us). It was interesting – and exhausting. The small kids directly behind us were the most quiet and well-behaved passengers around us.

So, I still don’t know if I want to live here permanently. I do tend to get a little homesick, but hope I will get used to the area in the next few weeks. I still feel like I need to be here. BUT I NEED A JOB TOO. I need to call my aunt. I haven’t heard from her in nearly 5 years so it will be weird to talk to her. She lives in Anchorage.

Life is going pretty well. I don’t yet know where I will be 2 months from now, but I know I will enjoy getting there. And I suddenly have an interest in Minnesota (IF Alaska doesn’t pan out like I wanted it to). The possibilities seem endless. I will write more soon and will include pictures as I get them.

Featured Image Art: detail of vintage postcard; Katie Sevigny, “Bird on Fire”

Featured Image Art: vintage postcard from Palmer, AK

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Sleep:
Once again, my sleep is a little screwy. I would blame it on my being sick, but that is almost over and really has little to do with it in my estimation. I think it is entirely caused by my own foolishness. When one is tired, one should go to sleep. This one, however, doesn’t always do that. It is okay, but I just don’t want my sleep pattern to interfere with work… and somehow it always does. I really need to stop complaining about this. If nothing is changing I will just have to accept it.

Shopping:
My parents came over for some shopping today. I really enjoyed it, even if it did seem to be a little pointless. They picked up very little. I do have some ideas of what to get them though. We all went to Cracker Barrel after, as it is somewhere they can’t go in Stillwater. Then a quick trip to Nam-Hai, Hancock, and they returned home. I miss that. They used to come over all the time. Now I just feel like I am the son who hasn’t brought them the joy of grandchildren… which just makes me feel like a failure in life. I really wish that things were different sometimes and that I had the opportunity to have children of my own. I love my neice and nephews, but that isn’t the same. They also had KC with them, my neice. She is fun and very good natured. God, I want a family… and yes, I want a husband.

When they left, I went to Target to find a gift for my secret Santa person at work. I had picked up one thing because it was a good deal, but then I found the exact perfect thing I was looking for. I got that instead. I really think it will be a hit! I also got a small something for Lori, some gift bags, a gift for a girl at work I didn’t really want to buy for (but it was perfect), and some additional cards. I showed amazing restraint and put back the three items that I would never have used (2 clearance bags & an empty tin). I enjoyed the day, but it was exhausting. I stopped by Lori’s, watched last half of CSI, all of Without A Trace, and fell asleep sometime during the 10 o’clock news.

Work:
Work has been insanity lately. Such is the nature, yadda yadda yadda… I do of course work in retail. This weekend look like it will be a blast!!! We have a great crew Friday and Saturday, and then the manager party is on Sunday! Good times. It’ll be nice to be around these people and be having a good time — with the exception of Lori, with whom I often enjoy myself.

I just about killed Nick the other day, and now I understand someone called out yesterday… they are all on my list at this point. ALL OF THEM. I guess I need to start getting mean before someone notices. I love them to death, but they are walking all over me and they don’t really care right now. Maybe that isn’t true of everyone, but I get the feeling that several of them feel that way. Woe.

Featured Image Art: photo by Dustin Humes (via Unsplash)

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Blah!

I have been a little under the weather lately. Sniffles n’ such, ya know. It kinda sucks, but what can you do. I have had a lot of sleep, which is nice. And medicine head is more fun than it should be.

It beginning to look a lot like…

Justin and I just did some Christmas shopping today. I went ahead and got a small tree. It was 40% off at Hobby Lobby! I also got some stuff to make a wreath and some wind-up lederhosen for my dad. They are cute. Justin got stockings and stocking holders, all of which were 50% off. It is a nice group, but they need two more stockings for the dogs, which he is going to have Patrick get. Some cleaning tonight and tomorrow and then Wednesday I will decorate!!!

Being sick sucks.

Featured Image Art: wind up lederhosen

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Thankful:

First, I would like to say that I am thankful for so many things. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine was excellent. I sometimes don’t allow myself to enjoy my family, but I really do. It is nice to feel that relaxed around people. I am thankful for my cousins, who are becoming such wonderful people. I am thankful for my brothers and their families. I am thankful for my uncle, even when he really annoying. I am thankful for my grandpa (Papa) who was too quiet this year. I wish him speedy recovery on his back. I am especially thankful for having the greatest parents ever. They are both as much friends as parents. I enjoy them so much. Their house can be too hectic for me though, with the children always under foot.

The day was so great. We watched Will & Grace, visited, and played with the kids all day at my parents’ house. Gradually, everyone made their way down to my grandpa’s house. We started with 15 and by the time I left for my grandpa’s, only my dad was left. We had the best and most moist turkey I have ever had!!! It just fell apart as the knife touched it, so no need to slice it at all. I sat at the kids’ table, where I have sat my entire life. Really, we all are. That table is, and has always been Opie, Annie, myself, and some combination of others including Becky, Brad, Brent, etc. The actual kids are still too young to sit off by themselves. It was just an excellent day.

So, Where Has Brian Been???

Nowhere. I have just not been on the computer that much. I guess life is just boring lately. Not that I have been bored. I do have opinions on that. I want a boyfriend. I want to feel loved. I am scared of looking… scared to death of trying… of putting myself out there. I miss my gay friends. This is really where gay friends come in handy. I am lonely and I don’t like it at all. Blah. I am basically content with my life otherwise. I do need to get on here and just blog already!!! I sometimes forget that my friends check this to see what is going on… Travis.

Work:

Speaking of work, Shauna is working at my store as of earlier this week!!! It is so nice to see her face at work. I so miss living with her and James. I wish things never changed and you could just stay close to everyone.

This is the weekend of weekends at work. I am looking forward to the craziness. I am a little worried that our manager will be exhausting and frantic, but overall it should be fun.

Featured Image Art: photo by Element5 Digital (via Unsplash)

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Man, I feel like a woman… no, no wait… I don’t either…
So, as you may guess from that bit of stupidity, I went ahead and got the Shania Twain Greatest Hits CD. I absolutely love it!!! Am I worried about the money that will now not be available for bills… no. Should I be? Probably. I also got the Britney Spears album. I like both of them, but had never actually purchased a CD from either of them. Me=nerd.

Xanga:
I like the new feature on Xanga I think… kinda juvenile and hook-upy, but the format is nice. I would like to see some things updated though. I would like to be able to join more blogrings as a premium member. I would also like to phone in posts like livejournal users. I think that is great, especially when you have no access to a computer, but have something to say and don’t want to lose it. Mine would end up being pathetic, but that would have to be okay.

Fun & Games:
Tuesday evening was fun. I went over to Lori’s and played Settlers with her and Jess. Always a little bitter, never too boring, usually a great time. It was nice. It had been so long since we played. Hopefully we can play Magic sometime soon. I really am more interested in doing that. We also played Yatzee. I was first loser in that game.

All this game playing was brought to you by Lori’s new dining room set, which is awesome. I absolutely love it. It is inbetween regular height and bar height, which just makes me feel like a kid. It is a gorgeous deep red wood that just looks like Lori. It is also the perfect size for any board game. Excellent purchase.

Speaking of games and fun, I really want to host a party soon. I had offered to have a New Year’s party, forgetting that Lori always has the New Year’s party, just like John always had the Halloween party. I might just do a game night, but if I must I could always have a Christmas party. I just fear that everyone will be partied out.

Parents:
After planning to visit, I found out that my parents will be out of town the entire time I am off. I am going over on Saturday night while my mom packs between her trips and I’ll stay through Sunday. My dad will be there Sunday… It is weird because they are always home. And my mom offered to take me with her to Nebraska, but I have to be back to work before she gets back. Oh well… Maybe I can visit Brad & Jess Sunday too. (I really just want to see the nephews, but I will pretend to want to see my brother and his wife… )

Sorry about those horrid buttons. I never really saw them. I have replaced them. I hope the images are better.

Featured Image Art: Settlers of Catan board game

originally posted on Xanga

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Happy birthday to my mom!!!

Yesterday:
I spent the day playing with Conner & KC. My brothers and I were taken to see the land my parents just purchased. I really liked it because it is quite large and surrounded by trees. They are planning a house, garden, lake… it all sounds great. My family is really not a city one. Our tendancy towards farms makes this location great. It is secluded, while not being too far from the turnpike or town. I also watched some TV with my parents. That was after Conner went home and KC went to bed.

Today:
I woke up really early (6:20) and went to the dentist. After messing around in my mouth for a while, it was decided that the tooth really should come out… I already knew that and had made that clear. However, because of the severity of the infection I must wait a week. Blah. He was surprised that I didn’t end up in the hospital and I guess I feel lucky for that. The rest of the day was lazy. I was in pain from all the messing with my tooth, so I slept a little. We then watched Dr Phil and I finally left. I just wanted to be at home with my bed and my shower and my stuff.

Tomorrow:
I have to go in really early tomorrow… 7:00. At least I won’t be drugged up like I will be next week. I feel like I never get any rest anymore. Maybe I will just have to sleep tomorrow evening. Blah blah blah.

Featured Image Art: photo of Conner & LaDonna (his Nana) (Billy Tucker in background)

originally posted on Xanga

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Wednesday
Stayed up too late and then slept most of the day away. I had some fantastic dreams, but all I can remember is that they were great. I have no details left from them. Oh well. I guess I wouldn’t have done anything productive with my day anyhow, so the oversleeping doesn’t matter.

Family:
Mom called last night in between movies. There is a lot going on. My parents bought 20 acres of land, my dad was offered a job, KC’s birthday is Friday, Mom’s is Monday, Stan has invited everyone to Dallas for Thanksgiving, which leaves my family to do our own thing in Stillwater. I actually prefer that. I don’t have the time to go to Dallas, so I would have been at home anyway. My parents are living out my dad’s dream of buying land and building a home on it. They plan on keeping 5 of the 20 they got.

Movies:
Lori and I watched Sleepy Hollow, The Blair Witch Project, and Starship Troopers last night. It was insane, but we already planned to watch some more movies tonight. I want to watch Sliding Doors and Used People, so we’ll see if I can get my way on those.

Featured Image Art: still from Sleepy Hollow (1999)

originally posted on Xanga

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Weird Day:
Today has been a little weird, but nice. I got no phone calls and was able to just sleep on and off throughout the day. I watched TV and ordered out. I didn’t even have to leave the house. I started getting frantic phone calls at about 10. Apparently, everyone had been calling all day and my phone wasn’t ringing. I don’t know what was wrong, but after being yelled at by several people, I don’t even care. I think sometimes people can just calm down. Why do my parents suddenly need to hear from me everyday? The assumption that I am dead is irritating, but at the same time I am glad they care. I think they need to relax and let me live my life without being so paranoid all the time. My dad even said tonight “someone could have been dead and buried by now.” Blah. After one or two days, I would hope that they would just drive over if it was so important.

Happier Things:
I have been giving a lot of thought to the changes I want to make in my house. It is very cheery and bright which definitely has its place in my life. It has made me quite happy and hyper at times. However, I am ready for a much more adult look and my yellow and green walls will become light blue. Everyone loves my orange walls, including myself, but I might change them too. I will leave them to see how they look with the blue and if I don’t like it, I will change them to brown. I won’t be losing the punches of color, but that combination may be more soothing for a living room. I really got this plan in my head while coming up with a plan for Travis’ house. My colors are different from the ones used in the guest bedroom plan, but in the same family. I really can’t wait. I would love to do the blue in beadboard, but I am afraid that would cost way too much. Especially since I have the tall walls across from the loft. We’ll see. When I decide to do it, i think I will post before and after pictures on here.

I am excited to do some grocery shopping. I have been reluctant to do any for some time now. I think part of the problem is that I moved after finding a store I really liked and the ones around me aren’t the same. But the store I really like is right next to my work, so there should be no problem in going right after work sometime. And I am one of those strange people who really likes veggies. I need to get some and just make dinner for myself. It has been a long time since I used my kitchen.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian

originally posted on Xanga