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Justin’s Eye

Today is on Justin’s walking schedule, so I waited for him to get up and go to the park.  When he got up, his eye was swollen nearly shut.  He went to urgent care and they prescribed antibiotics, but also told him to take allergy medication and use ointment until it all clears up.  I assumed he was off the hook for exercise; there’s no need to push it if you have an infection, but after he got back I announced I was going for a walk and he came with me.  He got in a little over a quarter of a mile, but considering one of his eyes is puffed up and he can’t see out of it, I would say that’s actually impressive.  It tells me he is willing to put in some work.  Things change!

The day was a little too warm.  I said I was shooting for 2 miles, but after about 1.5, I started heading back.  It was too hot, the park was filling with kids, and I was starting to need to use the restroom.  I felt great, and I still do, but I decided to just go home and be done with it!  If I feel up to it this evening, I might go out for more.   We’ll see.  I really want to be doing 3 miles a day starting on the 1st, so I really should keep it up.  Twice a day feels very manageable.  There and back, four times around the park, plus just a little extra is 1.5 miles.  That sounds easy.  11 times around plus a little extra sounds daunting.

Photo of the Day (sticks found at 11th & Washington, Guthrie, OK)

On the 24th, I picked up a magnolia seed pod and carried it home.  It sort of triggered me to start picking up things and bringing them home on my walks.  I don’t know if that is permanent, but it is fun.  Today I found confetti.  I might actually try to pick more of that up; we don’t need that much plastic in the soil, but it is hard to get a hold of.  Even if it is larger pieces.  I had decided to grab the strap in my walking photo during my walk yesterday, but forgot it.  It still counts!

I’ve been thinking about the way I organize my journaling.  The Wandering Hermit was on a separate site, so it has always been a separate entity, as are my book notes.  I think I’d like to create a new journaling template for 2026, something that has spaces for all the different things as well as my sort of daily to do list.  I can clip from it, but it would consolidate my days into a single post in DayOne, which I think I might quite like.  It also might make my website cleaner if I’m posting once a day (except for reviews and whatnot).  I’ll work on that.

[Walk #337, 1.63 miles]

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The Magnolia Seed Pod

What a great walk!  The temperature was great, so I woke Justin up to go with me and to get in his own exercise.  I had him choose three non-consecutive days to do exercise, and after a lot of protesting he chose Tuesday, Thursday, & Saturday.  Yesterday, I wanted to get in a specific early morning walk, so I wasn’t available (he won’t do it on his own yet), so we started his new routine today.  He will end up having a consecutive situation this week, but then we will be on track starting next week.  

I was a little misleading to start with, knowing full well that walking up to Highway 33 and across the bridge is almost exactly one mile.  I didn’t not tell him that, but I didn’t mention how far it was, just to say it isn’t too far.  I’m trying to encourage him to get in 25 minutes at least, and that should be one mile.  This little trick doubled that at least.  I will say, as nice as that walk is, highway traffic is very loud.  

After we crossed the bridge, and after I had paused to try and get a good photo of a blue heron (I didn’t; I never do), we made our way down along the side to cross under the bridge.  I wanted to see if there was another way back across the creek nearby, and after walking a bit, I pulled out my phone to check.  No.  The next bridge a on the other side of town, so we’d have to go back up and across the way we had come.  But by that time, it seemed just as easy to go around through downtown, so we did that.  A magnolia had dropped pods on the sidewalk, and it reminded me of the magnolia I would pick flowers from on the way home from school.  I loved picking up the discarded pods in Fall and picking the flowers in Spring. 

As we turned onto Division to go up to the crosswalk, I failed to see the split level of the sidewalk and fell onto the sidewalk.  Crushed my phone’s screen protector, but it had done its job.  I was actually impressed that the fall didn’t phase me or my breathing.  It doesn’t even register on my heart rate tracked by my watch.  It just did not phase me one bit.

We made our way back across, Justin completely over me “stopping to take photos like you’ve never seen anything before.”  I thought that was funny.  We walked back through the neighborhood once across the bridge, and over to Banner Park, where I completed my walk by going once around.  I wanted to get that last mile in.  

It did teach me that I can easily just walk to downtown.  And I will.  Especially as I get more used to doing three miles a day, and if I start adding more.  It won’t take much to go down, stop in to the bookstore we passed by, or in one of the places for a coffee.  It could make for a more interesting routine.  And if that seems too far, there are easy places to park to do a downtown walk.  I do wish there were more businesses going in.  I don’t want to see Guthrie die.  Downtown is such a big part of its identity. 

I had expected to get in a short walk, but I’m so glad I did something longer.  I feel good.

[Walk #334, 3.12 miles]

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The Spirit of Fun

The goal was to walk over to the skate park and back.  We got close to it, close enough to see, but Justin was struggling, so we didn’t actually go up to it.  Still, we got in a good walk, and I’m hoping he can see it is very doable.  Yeah, he was exhausted this time, but it does get easier over time.

I am so happy to see all of the Halloween decorations around the neighborhood.  I love seeing people get into the spirit of fun; I worried a little when I added a spiderweb to my front door the other day.  None of my neighbors had anything up.  Maybe they won’t ever, but it is still a little early for some people.  We’ll see.  In one yard, there was a giant skeleton and a giant Jack Skellington, which sang a song from the movie as we walked by.  I love that kind of thing.  Even if I don’t want certain things in my own yard, I’m always excited when others have them in theirs.  I also hate those decorations while in a store, but in a yard I’m into it.  In a store, I’m just there to get what I need and get out; I don’t need the clamor.  I’m appreciating the neighborhood more and more.

I also got a lot of good landscaping ideas.  I need to come up with a concept and try and execute it.  In the past, I’ve just gathered things I like and tried to make it work.  And it doesn’t.  I need charts and plans, spreadsheets.  I’ll keep an eye on other yards in other walks.  The goal is to eventually walk every part of the neighborhood, but I admit it is a little more comfortable on a weekday midmorning.  I’m not opposed to waving at neighbors, but I do like to take pictures of things and certainly don’t want to inadvertently upset anyone.  

[Walk #330, 1.57 miles]

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This photo was taken on the trip to Glencoe. I was on the phone during the walk and did not take a photo.

I’m Back

Finally!  After excuses and life’s being too busy, I am hopefully back to daily walks.  I had been planning to get back to it anyway, but I was so frustrated this afternoon that I needed to get out of the house for a moment.

Moving to Guthrie seems like the right thing for me, and the new house has been great, but of course this month has only started and there are challenges.  The dishwasher stopped working a few days ago, so I scheduled a repair for that.  Of course, we knew that it was on its last leg during the home inspection.  That’s how I ended up with a home warranty.  Hopefully, they are able to just replace it.  But I guess if they got it working properly, I couldn’t complain that much.  It doesn’t fit properly into the space and I would like that to change.  We’ll see.  Someone should be here tomorrow.  On top of that, there have been other electric issues and currently the hot water is not working.  I suspect it is the electric panel and not the hot water heater, but I just need to have an electrician out to look at it.  I discovered that this morning, and then today during a drive to Glencoe, the fan on the car AC went out.  I’m wondering how many other things could go wrong this week.  

All of that sounds expensive and annoying, so when Justin was doing what Justin does and not really responding, it started to really grate.  I get that his anxiety can cause him to become so overwhelmed that he retreats internally and basically can no longer participate externally.  I do understand that.  However, and a massive however, he thinks things are always fine and doesn’t understand why he should take his medication.  He doesn’t see himself from the outside, so he doesn’t see the problems that it causes.  It’s such a catch-22.  Medicated, he loses some of the personality that makes him so special, but he is able to function better as an adult in his 40s.  And I know that his reluctance is more than that.  There are side effects he doesn’t like, and if he has someone to do everything for him, he can get by not having to be as functioning.  Is that fair?  I worry sometimes that I’m being unfair ABOUT him.  I don’t think I am.  While I do genuinely want the best for him, when you live in a household with others, you participate.  Currently, I have to do everything.  A single task given to Justin can take a few weeks to complete.  He might as well be doing nothing in that case.  And then I feel overwhelmed because I’m having to put this place together myself.  Having just done the majority of the work moving out of Mom & Dad’s house, the shed, and then my own house (including Justin’s stuff), I’m so tired and I still feel like I’m getting no assistance from people involved.  I’m not sure what to do.

That frustration aside, the walk was nice.  I only did 15 minutes.  It was a pretty impromptu walk, so I didn’t really know what routes worked best around this neighborhood.  I can see how I will easily be able to get good walks in as I get back up to 3 miles.  I could easily snake up and down the streets in various ways.  I need to get my walking kit back together, so I have music and a bag and probably a cap.  It was a little sunny and I don’t need a sunburn on my face!  Tomorrow, while I would prefer an early walk, I will have to wait for the repair on the dishwasher to be over.  But I can start going out in the morning on Wednesday.  I was upsetting some dogs who didn’t know me, but after some time they’ll get used to me and it won’t be an issue.  I don’t know if I need treats like I have had before.  That was mostly to befriend rural dogs who are more likely to bite.  The dogs around here are inside fences… mostly.  I think I should be fine without.

[Walk #314, 0.71 miles]

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Great Expectations:
I had been looking forward to dinner with my Tulsa friends since I made plans to be in Oklahoma. But when it came time for it to happen, there was nobody around to eat with. I am excluding Jess & Justin, who I love, but talk to fairly regularly. I couldn’t wait to see Meghan, Emily, Jeff, Jill, Molly, Marla… someone. But none responded tothe invite.

I had a great dinner with Justin & Jess. We went briefly to Target, where I got a shirt to wear so I didn’t have to drive home from the club smelling like an ashtray. Then we decided to eat at On The Border. I love that place and was not disappointed in last night’s fare. And I ordered my Sprite, no ice, with limes. Limes, being not expensive here, are generously given. I got an entire glass full. I love it.

I wanted to spend more time with Justin, but he had to wake early, so he had to go. I made plans to spend more time on Tuesday. I can’t wait to see him. He is so important to me. The three of us went to Barnes & Noble, where I had hoped to find a magazine. I did not. I did, however, get to see Bettina, Ray, Jill, & Matt. I really do miss that place, but I am glad I am making Borders my home now.

Of Unicorns & Men:
Jess & I went to The Majestic for some dancing fun. It was just as I remembered it, a loud, dark, sweaty place where shirts don’t stay on for long. Everyone was gyrating and having a great time. It was the Halloween celebration and costumes were out in full force. Many an angel graced the club — one in particular repeatedly poked his sharp wings into my back. I liked it more than I should.

Of course, all of these costumes led to a contest, hosted by a unicorn. The costumes were sad. The gays should be able to do better, but the evening was pretty fun. I love the darker music of Halloween clubbing. Jess remarked that it was a good thing I changed out of my “Unicorn Rodeo” shirt before getting there. I was thinking I wish I hadn’t. That attention would have been okay.

I love dancing and really need to go more often. Anchorage needs a good gay club.

The rest of this week should prove fun. I am very excited that I got to go to Tulsa. I really miss Tulsa. It still feels like home to me. I could easily move back today and not miss a beat. But now Anchorage is also feeling like home and would surely miss it just as much… or at least the people.

Images: Peter Stanick, art of woman; unknown cartoon illustration

Featured Image Art: AI image (created using Wonder AI)

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I think Daria summed it up nicely. And this newest adventure in my life is quickly becoming one of the most frustrating too. Things just never go smoothly and I think that from time to time they just should.

What the… am I talking about? Moving is expensive and stressful, regardless of the inherent beauty of the surrounding landscape. It just… sucks. Finding a job, finding an apartment, coming up with the money for the apartment, getting my stuff/cats up here, paying for gas/tires along the way. It is all just a little much to handle.

Plus, I feel completely responsible for this move. Yes, Justin and Lori are moving as well, but I feel like I caused the whole migration and now feel like I need to be the one who solves the problems involved. I have already gotten in trouble for that one!

I would love for the whole thing to be over!!! I want it to be December 1 and I have a job I love, an apartment I love, my condo sold, and life back to normal (or close to normal anyway). In the meantime, I dread the process!!!!

Images: still from Daria; vector image of bison

Featured Image Art: Barbara Lavallee, “Eskimos and Calicos”

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It seems I am now officially Alaska bound. I have discussed it with both Lori and Justin and they are both excited to go with me. Lori and I are flying up on the 12th to check it out before cementing our decision, but we are about 95% sure we are going. Of course, I am frantically trying to find a job and get everything packed. Regardless of what may happen, I do think I would like to move and sell my condo. It just seems like the thing to do right now.

I have a strong feeling that this move is the right thing to do and I can’t ignore that gut feeling. I will certainly miss a lot of what I have going on here, but I feel like I am being called there; pulled forward to a new destiny. It feels right. I hope the trip strengthens that feeling. I will be there for a month, which fell into my lap through the kindness of my dad’s friends.

Image: vintage illustration of caribou

Featured Image Art: vintage postcard

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Random Thoughts To People I Know:

•I do usually know, Lori. Maybe I can put in a camera!
•Break a leg, Meg. Or at least have a good time.
•Jessica Cassesa! Where have you been?!? We need to shop!
•It was strange and nice to catch up, Robby.
•Travis? Do I know someone named Travis?
•Jess, things are not looking good. See me for details.
•I miss you, Christine.
•Meghan… the hair… wtf?
•Good luck with the living situation, Nick & Sarah.
•Justin, I am very sleepy and I want to watch TV.
•I don’t really want to mess with Christmas, Brent & Laurisa.
•When will I see you again, Ren?
•I love that you work at my store now, Shauna.
•I might be secretely stalking you, Meghan. One can never be sure.
•Christine! You must want your DVD back. I’m a horrible person!!!
•Lori, I want to make some stuff… really.
•Jill, I went to get that movie for you, but it was way expensive!!!
•Jerr…?
•Oh, Shauna, sorry I didn’t say Good Morning the other day. It hurt to.
•Can’t wait to work with you on Tuesday, Meghan!
•Justin, I am mad at you!!! No reason.
•Brad, are you ever actually online?
•You make me smile, John (venusunfolding).
•Can I borrow that one movie, Jilly???
•Brandy, I will let you borrow the kd lang CD. You didn’t get it just for being a lesbian like you wanted.
•JD. Just JD.
•I can’t wait to see you again, Troy. It has been too long.
•I love you, Jobeth.
•Travis who?

Featured Image Art: art by Steve Johnson (via Unsplash)

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Life Has Been Boring!!!
I haven’t really done much lately, with the exception of sleeping! Justin has been coming over more often, which has been nice. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to spend any time alone. It hasn’t been that bad though. But I have had a lot going on. Nothing exciting, but a lot. I would love to hear from Travis, but I haven’t in quite some time.

How Does My Garden Grow?
It doesn’t. At all. I miss that about having a house. Mowing is the part I don’t miss, but I can only get them together. Oh well. I would love to grow some veggies. I don’t really care about flower gardening, but growing food would be pretty cool.

Christmas:
Even though I don’t care much for Christmas this year, I have decided to go ahead and decorate. I don’t know what, but something fun and exciting! I want it to be uber-kitschy, but I am not sure what I want. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Featured Image Art: photo of Justin

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Lori:

I do not hate Lori, but I get the feeling that she always thinks that lately. Now, I am sure she knows I don’t really, but I want her to know that I care about her a great deal. It is rather exhausting defending your feelings about someone all the time, which is why I haven’t. It is all okay. I appreciate you. Thanks for keeping an eye on my while I was sick last week.

Weird:

Some things in my life seem weird right now. In particular, my relationship with each of my friends. It all seems messy… if that makes sense.

Jess and I decided to watch movies at Lori’s while she is in Houston. Really, my DVD player is still over there… We also discussed the possibility of carving pumpkins, but I think we reached a consensus that pumpkin carving is not an acceptable activity in someone else’s house. Oh well… Maybe some other time. Speaking of movies, I think I want to see i huckabees.

I realized that Justin leaving may have triggered feelings of breaking up with someone. Maybe that is what happened to my libido, but I simply haven’t cared about sex lately. Justin and I weren’t a couple, but I miss him terribly. I know he and Patrick are very happy though.

Lori is going to be in Houston this week, as I mentioned previously. To her dismay in reading this, this break from constantly seeing her has been nice. I have no specific problem with Lori, but I was too comfortable. I don’t like routine and it had become one. I think I need time to myself much more often than people realize. And they don’t realize what that really means either. Lori, you know I love you…. but I realize you will take this too personally.

Being Alone:

I cannot express how much I value privacy. Often I am seen as secretive or sneaky, but really I just like to keep to myself. My privacy means that I have the right to not answer the phone or want friends to come over. And that is okay. Although I appreciate genuine concern about my well-being when it is warranted, frantic worrying about me just bugs me. If I don’t answer the phone, call someone else. If there is cause for concern, by all means check to make sure I haven’t died. However, I am not obligated to come in contact with somebody every single day. In fact, on days that I want to be alone, stopping by to make sure I am alive kills the day. I want to wake up and fall asleep on that day, having seen nobody. Having talked to nobody. Having spent the day doing Brian things.

Hurt:

My feelings were hurt. I mention it because it happens so infrequently. The person involved here will think that I hate them somehow, but I do not. I was with a friend at a store. I was mentally planning out some Christmas gifts that I could make, picking out fabrics and having them cut when my friend starts in on the fact that I buy fabric and never do anything with it. “I have never even seen you use your sewing machine… and you never buy enough to do anything with… ” I was offended. I think there are some issues here. First, my money and my buying habits are my business and go back to privacy. Secondly, no one wants to hear what a fuck-up they are in any area of life. Mind you, this friend is not the only one to do this to me. Why do people feel a need to cut me down? Am I doing something to them that I don’t realize I am doing?

Justin Things:

I was going through some stuff in my bedroom closet when I ran across some stuff Justin had given me. My favorite is a cheesy picture of a rose… the whole things looks a little WT, but the saying on it makes me cry every time I read it.

I LOVE YOU

You see me as I wish I were.

You hear what I really mean,

And not only what I say;

You always know how I feel.

You help me be a better person.

Bradley Tyler

It is overly sentimental, but it really
made me realize that Justin understood me and why I tried so hard to make his life better. I want so much for him and I am glad that he is happy… finally. I also ran across some of his paintings, which I need to see if he wants. I love them. He painted his emotions… the way people appear in his head. They are all blob heads with sharp teeth. They make me sad because I know they are from years of pain, but they are one of the most honest things in Justin’s life.

Prayers:

Meghan’s mom, Ren’s sister and two nieces.

Also, Lori who is traveling to Houston and John who is traveling out of Houston.

Featured Image Art: photo by Simple Stripes (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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Book(s):
I got and plan on starting Closet Case by Robert Rodi. I am interested in all of his books, but that one really sounded like the best. I really need to read more, but I need to get new glasses. I can barely see. It makes it frustrating to try and read anything.

Friends:
I love friends. Justin came over and watched Clash Of The Titans with me the other day. I think I am officially over that movie. Once upon a time I loved it, but I guess I have moved on with my life. Anyway, we later went to Wal-Mart, where we both had to pick up copies of The Day After Tomorrow, which we thought got a bad rap just because the wolves looked ridiculously fake. It was good for what it was and that is all it should be judged on. It was great formula disaster, better than made for TV, but certainly not the best of its kind. I dropped him off at his house and he went in to get my DVDs I had loaned him and Patrick. When he returned, he had a snapdragon in a starter pot, which he offered me. It was weird and a little funny. I took it and when I returned home I planned on giving it to Lori. As I walked by her house, her living room light went out so I quickly ran up and knocked on the door… no answer. So I unlocked the door and sat the plant in an obvious place and left. I am tired of giving people gifts. They appreciate them, but I don’t necessarily want them to. I am turning into my dad, giving things away all the time. It is exhausting when you are at any store and everything reminds you of someone you know. I should just not buy!!!

Shauna (ex roommate), Nathan (her kid), and Bryce (her brother) came into the store on Friday. It was nice to see them. It had been a very long time. I really miss James (Shauna’s husband) though. I really connected well with him when I lived with them, but haven’t seen him in a long time and I miss him. He is very much a homebody, not even wanting to venture beyond his house for long, so it is hard to see him without going over there. I should just go.

Haven’t seen Jess in a while, but I am sure work is keeping her busy lately.

Birthdays:
KC had her 1st birthday Friday. Meghan shared the day as her 21st. Franz, my cat, shared the same day as his 3rd. Mom’s birthday is tomorrow. I will be in Stillwater later today to celebrate. Brent and Laurisa (my brother and sister-in-law) will be in town too. I hardly ever see them now that they live an hour in the other direction of my parents. I also haven’t seen Jason since he was born. It will be a fun day. I hope if I take a movie my mom and I will be able to watch it in peace at some point. No more birthdays until November after this one.

Health:
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. I am one of those dentist fearing people. I don’t really understand it, but I just don’t really like going. I have an abscess so I hope that I will have a tooth removed. It really needs to go. I hate that such a small thing can impact my overall sense of well being. It makes me feel sick all over!!!

Observation I made at work: Our inability to keep paper from cutting our skin is the dumbest thing ever. God seriously needs to rethink that whole thing. I was ringing someone up and the cover on the book he was buying sliced very easily into my finger… ouch!!!

Work:
Things seem to be getting much better. It is great to have employees who support me. I am impressed with everyone in my department at the moment and it really feels great. They are the best!!! I again enjoy my job and I am grateful for that.

Audacity: We have a man who keeps coming in the store and harassing a certain person in my department. He started out as a shoplifter, but has recently started only coming in to just show that we as a store do not scare him. Although he does not have the opportunity to steal, he does have an opportunity to make people uncomfortable. It is to the point that I wish I didn’t have to schedule certain people alone, but can’t penalize them for the actions of one asshole. I am just venting as I can see no way to get rid of him. Our store is willing to call the police on him, but he flees before it ever gets to that. It is aggravating.

Featured Image Art: photo by Sagar Patil (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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The Ends Refuse To Meet!
I think it is official, boys and girls. Brian is going to need a second job. I have really tried to make it without over the past year, putting things off, taking out loans, paying what I could. But in the end, it just seems that I really need more money. Mind you, I don’t like thinking about money as much as this, but I really have no choice.

After refiguring my budget, I discovered that my bills are higher than my current salary, which sucks. I will collect applications this weekend from retail stores near my store and hopefully can make it work somehow. I hate it, but what can you do. I think it will be okay, but I really want to hold on to everything. I have resisted for so long, but now I must grow up.

I would also love to have a roommate again, but that will not happen. My trusty “need-a-place-to-live” friends both have boyfriends now and are living with them. I am happy for them, but I didn’t do a good job of becoming independant before that happened. Blah.

I know there is not way of getting rich quick, but I welcome any ideas on making extra cash in addition to the second job. I don’t want to lose my house over my own stupidity, nor do I want to leave my current job. However, if an opportunity arises and I need to choose between my home and a job I like, I will be forced to leave the company I love. I wish there was an easy answer. Update (Sunday, Sept 26): I applied at Walgreens. I picked up applications for Petco, Ross, Deals, & Joann. Michaels was chaotic and out of apps. I might try Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Old Navy, Petsmart, Kohl’s, Wal-Mart, or a mall store tomorrow. If anyone has information on any of these places, let me know. Thanks.

Friends:
I e-mailed Cindy, Jerry’s sister, yesterday. It was nice to hear from her after so long. She is such a fun person. I hope to get in touch with Jerry again soon. I haven’t heard from him since January and we weren’t in a good place then. I hate all of that and want to just talk again. He really is important to me.

Jessica and I updated her site last night. It was fun and it turned out pretty well. I don’t like writing in CSS as well as I liked HTML, but I think the result makes it worth it to do so. Her page looks nice now. Plus, changes should be pretty easy for her to make.

Justin and I need to discuss the fact that he never calls unless he needs me to check the mail for him. I know he is busy, but c’mon.

Featured Image Art: photo by Towfiqu Barbhuiya (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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Friends:
I got this amazing card from a friend early early early this morning when I finally got home from work (2:30 a.m.). Essentially, the card stated that I have things together in my life while that isn’t true of everyone. I think I see the perspective intended, but I don’t totally agree. I think that different things are important to different people. For me, money is not important. Yes, I do need it to pay the bills, but I don’t let it run my life. That isn’t to say I have any. Owning a home was also a priority of mine. Having purchased a home and not worrying about money when I don’t have to, my life seems to be fine. Again, just because I don’t complain about money doesn’t mean I have any. And although I can take care of my two cats without thought, I can’t keep a plant alive to save my life.

Other things have more value to friends than they do to me. As money is a concern, sometimes going back to school is a priority. Or getting a promotion. It isn’t that my life is any more in order. It is just different. I still am a mess. I can’t keep my house clean, bills paid on time, and I have never had a boyfriend. Those things get me down from time to time. But I can look to this friend or that one and find them executing those things with ease and it gives me hope that I can someday do the same.

I really loved the letter because it is good to hear what others think of you when you feel like a royal fuck-up most of the time. I hope all the people in my life realize how much I care about them. At the risk of being sappy and a little silly, I think I should tell some of the people in my life what I admire about them.

Justin: You have overcome so much and are such an interesting person. I really love how close you are to your sister, at times willing to drop everything to help her out with the kids. I am so happy that you have found someone, even if it reminds me that I haven’t. It gives me hope that I can someday. I admire your job and the hard work involved.

Travis: Thank you for being my friend for so long and through so many personal traumas. It has really helped. I wish I had your drive in school. Maybe then I would have done something more than retail. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but teaching may be a bit more rewarding. It drives me up the wall most of the time, but I actually admire the way you budget and save your money. I really just appreciate you on so many levels.

Lori: Girl, you really are my “Grace.” I love how you are determined to move up in the world. I admire the honesty you have with yourself concerning money, health, and love. I love that you lower standards for nobody and you are steadfast in your beliefs and morals. You are such a dedicated worker that I feel like I am doing so little by comparison. I love that you are so full of empathy and that you will sit and listen when I need that.

Jessica: …don’t be upset for this… I am so profoundly amazed at how courageous you are in spite of a complete lack of parental involvement in your adult life. It is wonderful that you are sure enough of yourself to go on, complaining only mildly. I love your sense of humor and sense of fun. You are such a neat person to be around.

JD: You really have it together. Really. You have my taste, Travis’ budgeting ability, and a child on top of it. You might be the happiest person I have ever met and my life has been so full because of you. I admire your absolute devotion to Kendra, your humor, your compassion. You are the person I wish I could be with sometimes.

Jerry: who will never read this… I really miss you. I don’t know where you are, since your boyfriend won’t let you talk to me, but I do miss you. You were my first gay friend and got me through coming out to my parents. I really admire that you never take shit from anyone.

Everyone else: There are things about everyone I love. That is why you are my friends. That includes xanga friends, John, Jim, Robby, & the rest. It includes work friends, Christine, Meghan, Jill, Brandy, Ray, & the rest. Love to all!!!

Featured Image Art: Peter Stanick, “Guy”

originally posted on Xanga

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Justin:
Happy Birthday, Justin!

Justin is such a wonderful friend. I met him a little over 6 years ago, when I was 18 and he was only 16!!! We briefly attempted dating, but realized we were destined to be good friends. We have helped each other grow through different stages in our lives, sometimes involving hospitalization, emergency room care, and of course funerals. Justin has always been there for me to talk to, to hangout with, and to torment a little. He has gotten so much better lately and I am very proud of him. Determination to be “normal” has started to pay off. The schizophrenia is starting to go away. At least for the moment. And now, Justin has Patrick, a loving person he can spend his time with. As Justin’s boyfriend, Patrick can also give him things his friends cannot. There is something empowering about your boyfriend encouraging your dreams that friends can’t quite match. I am very grateful for Patrick.

I hope Justin has a great day and I hope he feels special. He is special, and I hope that he is always a part of my life. He is, as I have told him, like a brother to me.

Featured Image Art: photo of Justin & Lori at Casa Bonita, Tulsa, OK

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Justin:
Justin called to talk earlier. He didn’t sound good. He then told me that Jennifer had died. I paused for a moment, not realizing who she was for a moment. First, I wrote this:

She Never Got To Tap Dance
Rain dripped silently from the cool June air.
No clouds spotted the sky,
but neither was there a sky at all.
In that misty darkness, Jennifer died.
Deaf and scared, she had known
for a while that her time was up,
but had never imagined it so soon.
She patiently waited for her last breath,
her last thought.

The keeper of the female emotions,
the carrier of love,
she told me several times that she
wanted to tap dance, but never learned how.
She is gone now and the dancing will never begin.
Justin has taken the emotions, the feelings,
the memories and now marches forward
to keep her memory alive.
He does this while comforting her family;
he does this alone. He must.

In the pain of childhood, Jennifer came
to help raise Justin.
She came with the others
to help keep emotions in check,
keep Justin safe.
Now, she has gone forever
and brave Justin is lonely and scared.

6/30/2004

Background on Jennifer:
Jennifer was one of Justin’s primary voices. Justin is schizophrenic and when he was about 12 or 13, he developed 3 distinct personalities in his head. Each controls certain emotions and parts of Justin’s life that Justin is no longer able to express. Jennifer was love, compassion, sexuality, etc. The three (Brandon, Jason, & Jennifer) are Justin’s oldest friends. He is devestated, but also exhausted. When an entity in your own head passes away, it must be traumatic. I really feel bad for Justin and hope that his heart is healed and he becomes a stronger person.

Advice:
I gave some advice last night that may have been bad. I told this girl I work with that it would be okay to get back together with her girlfriend, who had been abusive. I suck! I think it might work, but didn’t realize they were moving in together as part of getting back together. I care way too much about her to watch her get hurt, so this better work out. Otherwise, there will be some major drama involving her girfriend’s ass and my foot!

Molly & Franz:
My beautiful cats. I feel like I have been neglecting my poor babies. I love them so much! They are pretty good about just doing their own thing, but I still feel that I am not around to play with them enough. Play with your pussy today!

Featured Image Art: photo by Elena Kloppenburg (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga