By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Open your arms (and welcome Love)

A fervent plea to those people I’ve seen my Church family morphing into, slipping away from me, from Love. A prayer for the many who’ve seen the backs of their loved ones too often, shivering alone because they were misunderstood or openly judged for being human.

My neighbors turned towards themselves
and forgot my face.
Backs towards me with multitudes of assumptions.
My heart feels the hymns,
feels the joy still.
I’m unchanged.
My image fails me; refuses to take the shape of the mold
[the idyllic life]
the person I was supposed to be.
I’m neither broken nor lost.
I’m Love’s child, regardless of whispers and raised eyebrows.
My home,
our home.
I never felt so unwelcome from a family, silently, passively.
Judgments. Silence.
Silence.
From my perch high above the elders,
the deacons, the little old ladies
who wait for death on the third pew from the back,
my mind stretches, finding thoughts far from my body,
dreamily.
I welcome judgment.
Don’t pray for me in anger
or sorrow
or disappointment.
Don’t welcome be back from depravity.
Be family; be true to Love.
Love. Love.
Open your arms — not only to me,
not to selfish or petty concerns of mine,
open your arms because they should be open.
Because they are there for welcoming,
uncrossed and warm,
welcome the children, your family,
forgotten innocents,
the joyful, the content,
the exuberantly happy,
the depressed, and the angry.
Keep you arms open to those whose lives you don’t understand,
whose lives are full of light and laughter,
but cannot find comfort in rigid conformity.
I’ll join them too — march with them
into the auditoriums across distances,
across situational divides.
Be Love.
Kiss your neighbor on the forehead and have them over for dinner.
There is nothing important like Love.
There is nothing but Love.
There is Love.
Love.
And Love will take our hands — yours, mine,
the multitudes huddled in the rain.
We’ll find ourselves then.
We’ll free ourselves and be family again.
And selfish concerns and trivial differences will never be able to keep us apart.

8.21.2008

Featured Image Art: Michelangelo, “The Creation of Adam”

By:
On:
With: 1 Comment

Two days ago — on the eve of my mom’s birthday — I had a very long conversation with her. I was only recently able to have my phone turned back on and wanted to call and talk since it had been so long. It was a weird conversation, but one that reminded me of just how like my parents I am. The things I say, the way I phrase things, those quirks that tend to throw other people off go unnoticed to them. They get me because I am a product of them. I need to be reminded of that from time to time.

We discussed relationships and how my parents’ is one I use as a model for how people should interact with each other. They have an effortless marriage, carrying on their own lives, having their own friends, but wanting to share those lives with one another at the end of the day. They are inspirational.

Somehow, the conversation turned to me. Mom has never verbalized her acceptance of me being gay. I suspected that she had moved on and was less upset about it, but didn’t have anything to base that on. I do now. She choked herself up, assuring me that she understands me and accepts me. She gave a few examples of how this had caused her some pain — not because she didn’t accept it, but because she does and realizes how others view gay people, specifically in her church group.

I certainly wouldn’t have wished for my mom to know that part of it, but I am comforted that she is more aware of what life can be like for me. She said she loves my life because it is real… and that is true. I can be very real sometimes. I’ve grown so numb to the snickers and looks of disgust that I hardly notice them anymore. Honestly, they aren’t even that common, but it doesn’t phase me when those things do happen.

Finally, she let me know that I can share that part of my life with her. I think I really needed permission for that. Not that I have a love life to share, but now that I know that I can tell my family and they will be supportive rather than dismissive, I think my search might get easier. I guess I have been scared of dating, but I haven’t really been willing to admit it. Now what? 28 is a tough year to get out there. It is hard to find someone when I am so clueless about how to talk to guys or how to date… or any of it. I need help!

Something is in the air this year. My life is morphing and I really like where it is going. I really hope that good things result. I know my financial life will catch up eventually, so I have decided to stop worrying so much about it. Life seems pretty good right now.

Image: Franz Marc, “Füchse” (ca.1913)

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

3+17+1997=10 or “Relax a little; one of your most celebrated nervous tics will be your undoing.” -Frank O’Hara

This might mean nothing to anyone but me, but it felt important to share it. Today, St Patrick’s Day, 2007, marks the 10th anniversary of me coming out to my friends as gay. It has been quite a journey, but this is an account of what happened before. To understand the full extent of where I am, it is important to first understand where I was. This poem by Frank O’Hara expresses it in ways I couldn’t.

February

The scene is the same,
and though I try to imagine
plinking starry guitars,

and while I spend my
time listening to a foreign
contralto sing the truth,

the earth is everywhere,
brown and aching. At first
it seemed that this life

would be different: born
again in someone else’s
arms, after seasons of childhood

and error and defense.
I thought freshly and tried
to change the color of my

habit. New metrics would be
mine in this excess of
love! but I was a braggart

to hope so. My old hurts
kept attacking me at odd
moments, after too many

songs, on public conveyances,
in the blue light of bars. Ah!
I cried, do not blame me,

save your temper for the
others! and at the same instant
in the same breath cried,

break me! I dare you, for
which of us am I? you will
break yourself! And this

became only too true, the
worst of all possible vistas,
my lone dark land.

–Frank O’Hara

That was me. It still is from time to time, wondering how my life is really different and hoping that I have really changed — grown. I was lost. I had desperately tried to force myself into someone I am not, agrily trying to “not be gay.”

The feeling that I was different started as early as 5 or 6. I didn’t know how, but I felt like there was something about me that wasn’t “normal.” What’s more, as a young child, I knew that there were things I needed to hide from my parents — things they wouldn’t understand. I don’t know how we come to these conclusions. My first crush on a boy happened in 4th grade, but I didn’t think much of it.

I remember a number of times during church activities, specifically Bible Bowl, when I would drift off into my own world of introspection, wondering how much love I would find in these people if they knew this awful truth about me. I pretended to have crushes, marking my papers with the most obvious name, hoping to be caught pining for one of my teammates. I quickly became outspoken over my disdain for the public education system’s willingness to teach homosexuality as acceptable. I was turning on myself and was only 14.

The one thing I took away from that part of my life was self-loathing. And I could have ended up with some great experiences and memories, but the pain of being something you don’t want to be was very difficult to deal with.

A couple years later, I found myself washing dishes daily at my first job. I had gotten in through a series of somewhat unusual events, but was enjoying it greatly. I had started to realize that I would have to face this part of myself. I couldn’t hide behind hatred any longer, but I was terrified at what that would mean.

The climate of the world for gays was very different in 1995 & 1996. From my teenaged perspective, it seemed like the dark ages. I didn’t want to indetify with them. There were no gay characters on television, no role models. If I were to accept being gay as who I actually am, I felt that I would be giving up; giving in to what I had been taught to believe is wrong. Furthermore, I was saying to the world that I accepted that I would have no place to fit in; no safe place to run to when life became too much.

Let me back up for just a second. I don’t actually remember my parents (or their parents) having ever spoken about the issue of homosexuality. I never had reason to believe they had thought about it at all. Neither do I recall any lessons in church concerning it. I remember lessons on love and compassion, but never about how wrong gays were. My lessons on this subject were from specific people, friends, who had “moral” objections to certain “lifestyle choices.” I didn’t want to be anything that would upset these people.

I was feeling rather exhausted about the whole issue and was no longer doing well in school. I spent my days worrying about turning into this pariah I didn’t want to be, all the while sitting in the car with my friends, or over at their house, a little removed from the group… from the situation. I was starting to feel like I was enormous, trapsing around people’s houses, hopind desperately to blend in and not be noticed, but failing. I started to discuss issues with my coworker and friend, hoping to find wisdom in her words. It turned out to not be so easy.

In June 1996, I made one of the weirdest mistakes of my life. I went on a class trip to France for 2 weeks. The teacher going with us was unable to attend at the last minute, due to a medical emergency, and I was left with a group of students, all a year older than me, who wouldn’t even talk to me or include me in their group… and the teacher wouldn’t be there. My 2 weeks in France would basically be on my own. And so they were. I befriended a few people from a group from Idaho, but basically did my own thing. As long as I was on the bus when I was supposed to be, nobody seemed to take much notice.

Everything was going great, until a rainy day in Paris. There wasn’t much we could go do that evening, but the guys I was sharing a room with went to hang out with the girls, so I was alone… with my thoughts… and having been in France for a few days, the newness having worn off, I was thinking about the same things that kept me sad and angry at home. That night I accepted it. I didn’t like it, but I realized that I couldn’t be anyone but who I am. The rest of the trip was very hard; I barely enjoyed myself. I would hang out with the bus driver, Kamal, or our tour guide, Arnaud, at almost every stop. I didn’t feel like I should be there anymore.

My biggest regret about that trip is not hiding my bitterness when I returned home. My family and friends were waiting at the gate to greet me; I was so happy to see them. But I was difficult and cranky and spoiled the mood for everyone.

I spent most of my senior year trying to convice people I was straight. But a huge weight had been lifted. The distraction that made the previous year so hard was gone, but I would eventually need to tell someone else.

Travis, one of my two best friends, had spent spring break in Mexico (I think), leaving myself and JD to spend a fun filled week of working more hours at our jobs. We did want to do something though, so we spent the week at my uncle’s cabin just outside of town. Travis returned that weekend and we all hung out on Sunday. I was a little down; Travis could tell. I drove home, talking to Travis on the CB (yes, it’s true) the entire way. He had followed me and pulled in behind me at my house. He and I talked about things. I wasn’t really ready to tell him everything, but I told him that I could never see myself marrying a woman and having kids with her. If felt like enough for that moment. He was very comforting, much more so than most friends. He told me that JD had asked if Travis thought I was gay. Travis laughed it off as a silly notion. I felt extremely exposed.

The next day was my favorite holiday of the year, St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t know why I love it, but I do. The first thing I did in my first class was to write a letter, expressing to both Travis & JD how I felt and about who I am. I told them of the many days, wanting to no longer live. I told them how painful it had been to let them down. And I told them that I am gay. I couldn’t face them, knowing that I was losing my two best friends.

I had an eye appointment and then work after school. I was almost finished at work when Travis & JD showed up. I tried to avoid them, but they seemed angry. I just walked out to the parking lot, letting them follow me. I intended to go home and forget the day had ever happened. But my car was missing. Defeated, I got into Travis’ car. We drove around a little; they told me they had gotten permission from my mom to keep me away all night. They told me that they didn’t care that I am gay, but they were angry that I had been so depressed and didn’t tell them.

Somehow, we ended up at Red Lobster, where they continued to assure me that they still loved me. It felt nice, but was painful at the same time. We drove around for a long time, talking (I was crying). I think I stayed at Travis’ that night. And that was it. It was done. I didn’t have to hide myself anymore. The last few months we lived in Stillwater were the happiest as a teenager that I can remember. Life had been so painful for me for so long.

A month later, Ellen Degeneres came out, bursting the doors wide open for gay men and women everywhere. It felt good to be a part of something from the begining. It still does.

I didn’t tell my family for a long time after this, but I will save that for another time. It deserves the same attention.

Today, I am very happy with who I am. It feels so good to be me and I am glad I came out when I did. I hope that there is a day when being gay doesn’t break children into secrecy. I hope that day comes soon.

St Patrick’s Moon

St Patrick’s moon shone
gently on us as we left
Texas, back to our lives.
The brief stays seem sad
and this was the last visit
with all of us single.

St Patrick’s moon shone
on the new baby — born
to make some forget
the tragedy its birthday
marked — the sadness of
this anniversary of death.

St Patrick’s moon shone
through the just-cracked blinds
on Laurisa’s face — the new
life growing within her body.
More family, more joy,
more love to make us forget.

St Patrick’s moon shone
through the rear window of
JD’s car onto my face as
I smiled. My life seems
to be getting closer to real.
I laughed a little because
life can be so wonderful.

Brian Fuchs (3.17.2003)

17 March 2007

Images: photo of Frank O’Hara; illustration of Celtic knot shamrock; photo of Brian; photo of Brian & JD

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian in Red River, NM

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Boys:
Blah. Where are the boys?

DVDs I can watch over and over:
•Boondock Saints
•Donnie Darko
•Office Space
•Moulin Rouge
•Friends (any season)
•Queer As Folk (any season)
•Will & Grace (any season)
•I’m The One That I Want – Margaret Cho
•Metrosexuality
•Futurama (any volume)
•Zoolander
•Dogma
•Adventures Of Priscilla Queen Of The Desert

These aren’t necessarily my favorite movies, just what I tend to pop in. Now, that’s a list that makes me look gay!

Work:
Our store manager is back from her vacation. Hopefully, she had a great time and will be a joy to work with. She usually is anyway. I think I have decided that I definately want to come into a large sum of money so I will never have to work again. It would be nice to be independantly wealthy, even if I continued to work. Blah. I guess that is the American dream though: to be filthy rich and sit around all day.

Mom:
I am reading Straight Parents, Gay Children to see if my mom would benefit from it, and I really think she would at this point.

Featured Image Art: still from The Boondock Saints (2000)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Mom:
I just received an e-mail from my mom about living with your sins. While the point will not be lost, I will not be applying it to being gay. I just can’t since I don’t believe that this is wrong. She is trying though and I sent a very lengthy e-mail explaining how I feel about several issues, including my position on gays and Christianity and how I feel less loved than my straight brothers. It was kinda crazy, but oh well.

pathetic.org
I posted quite a bit on my poetry site last night! I am excited to be a part of it again.

Self:
I am officially lonely again. I just want someone to share my life with…

Robby:
He had been busy and I am neurotic!

Family:
E-mail I sent to my mom. Her response follows.

From: fuchsboi@***.net
Subject: Mom… a few things
Date: July 23, 2004 6:37:12 AM CDT
To: (mom)

whosoever

This is an online magazine about and for gay Christians. It might be helpful for you to take a look at it.

Mom, one very important issue we do need to discuss is the difference in our individual beliefs on homosexuality. I do not believe that it is a sin to be me. I do not believe that ANY act of love is a sin, including all varieties of love between two men. It is very important to me that Jesus never spoke on this subject.

I have some books I will bring you that cover a lot of what I feel. I do not agree 100% with them, but the basics are there. There are no passages in the Bible which, in the original form, discuss gay men or lesbians. The closest is in Romans. But even this one discusses leaving natural relations with the opposite sex for the same. This makes no sense in my case, as I have a natural inclination to the same sex.

Somewhere along the way, I shook off the dogma I was raised with. I am so glad I did too. Earthly issues and Earthly things will not matter when we die. Not to us, and not to God. Why are we so worried about following some set list of regulations for personal conduct to gain access to a proverbial heavenly gate? There is no such place. Heaven is all around.

Here is the way I see the things we refer to as “Heaven” and “Hell:”
Heaven: A state of pure bliss for your soul, in which you feel the love of God at its purest. Always able to directly communicate and feel God. You become a part of God, in a way.
Hell: A state for your soul in which you have absolute knowledge that God exists, but you may not hear him, feel him or know the love he has to offer. This is a self inflicted existence. Your soul has become corrupted and evil.

I know that didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but there it is. God has bigger fish to fry than who I am attracted to.

Another thing that is extremely important for you to know is how much being gay defines me. I used to think that being gay is just a small part of who you are — like have freckles or blonde hair. That isn’t what someone is about, just identifying traits. I now feel 100% different. Being gay is who I am. Every decision I make is affected by it. I view the world with it on my mind constantly. And my future is dictated by it. I am a gay man, not just a man who happens to be gay. I will not have the traditions, father the children, be a part of any of that normality. It doesn’t bother me like it used to. Sure, those things would be great, but I now know I can live a wonderful and fulfilling life. I just had to redefine my goals. Again, every part of my life has to do with being gay.

I also don’t want pity. I am over it. No, we haven’t discussed it, but I am gay and have known for nearly ten years now. I admitted it to myself eight years ago and I knew something of it when I was a very young kid. I can share those things with you if you want. They are the dirty little secrets and I will understand you not wanting to hear them. But they are precious to me. They are my memories. I knew when I was at Rainbow.

I am glad you want to understand, but I know who I am now… I have for a long time. I am sorry that you missed out on that — you don’t even know how bad I feel for that. I had to do it alone, but I want you to ask questions if you need to, but be careful not to try to change who I am. I already figured it out, even if I didn’t share. This sounds terrible and I really meant it to sound nice… Hmm…

I really love you and really miss being so close. I hope we can take care of that now!

Brian

p.s. I have to tell you the most horrible thing I did recently. I was talking to Lori (because I had a date that didn’t go very well) about how I was tired of not being able to talk about being gay with my family. I basically told her that I didn’t feel like I was as loved as my straight brothers because I had to hide my life — I am the dirty little secret. I was crying as I told her this. I then told her I would never feel like my parents loved me — meaning the real me — until they asked me casually if I was seeing anyone or if I had a boyfriend yet or some other sort of question one would ask about me having a girlfriend if I was straight. And I meant it. This was about one week before you called. I had cried out to God about it… my heart hurt so much… and He answered. I am so happy that you called (even if you had to drive to the top of a mountain) because it showed me just how much I am loved. Equally. That was of such importance to me and I know I should never have doubted it… Thank you again. I love you.

From: (mom)
Date: July 23, 2004 8:34:18 AM CDT
To: fuchsboi@***.net

thank you so much Brian- loved your email and you should be kicked in the butt for thinking your mom or dad thought less of you, we have always loved you-period. … mom

Featured Image Art: unknown comic image

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Yesterday:
Okay, I seriously have no idea what my problem was yesterday. I was just so… blah. Today is better. Today I feel normal. It is so good to not feel so bad.

Work:
I am really trying to stay out of the crap going on at work, but it is too much sometimes. It is constant with people not doing any work, being completely inappropriate, and oblivious to the fact that they need to start shaping up. I want it to be over now. However, I do not feel that I am hurting the situation by staying out of it. I am sorry to anyone who feels that way. I understand what they mean, but the only way for me to help my own situation is to do what I feel is right and not be pressured to get involved.

Family:
My mom is back from North Carolina. I am so excited, even though I won’t be able to see her for a while still. Ugh. I am just thrilled that I don’t have to hide who I am in my parents’ house anymore. I think just that will take care of a lot of tension and distance that has been between my parents and me. I also know that it will be hard, because although Mom wants to understand being gay, she doesn’t currently understand. It will be a very rewarding part of my life.

Vacation:
I am greatly anticipating my next block of vacation, which starts next week. I can’t wait to see Robby & Jim. I am really looking forward to getting away again. And when I return, I only work one day and then I am off for my birthday!!! Yay! I will be 25. I am not really sure if I am comfortable with that, but I really have no choice. I don’t so much mind getting older, but I do mind not being young any longer. Does that make sense?

Featured Image Art: photo by Namroud Gorguis (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Mom:
So my mom called this evening. She wanted to talk about the “gay thing.” I only told her 5 years ago… she still hasn’t figured it all out. But it was so wonderful… she wants to talk about it, understand it, and have it be a part of our lives (not just my secret). She still is uneasy with it, but she is making an effort and that is so great. I cried a lot after she called and then called Travis because it is nice to talk to old friends in these happy times (and in sad times). I am elated that she shared what she was feeling and wants to treat me like my brothers… that is all I have ever wanted. She has seriously made my year! …

Caught!:
Okay, okay… I was up into the wee hours of the morning. I just could not sleep. My entire body itches from the stupid sunburn. ITCHES! I just got some itch relief though… thank God. Now maybe I can sleep like a normal person. Thanks for worrying though… I like it when people are concerned about me!

Work:
So I spent about 75% of my time doing or thinking about work… which was pretty good for my first day back. I actually decided I like work after today. It was all just stress built up. The 25% that I was not working I was writing. I will post what I wrote when I have it finished. It needs revision. I really like retail, which is weird. I grew up thinking of it as crap work, but it can be rewarding. I am glad that opinion changed. I never like looking down on people.

Justin’s Birthday:
We went to Casa Bonita for Justin’s birthday dinner. It was good, but they no longer had cloth napkins. We were all taken aback by the bins full of rolled paper. Casa Bonita was one of the last places holding on to the cloth napkin… and it was quite nice. We ate (too much), took pictures of Justin opening gifts, and spent some time in the arcade. I love ski ball! I didn’t play anything else last night… God that is fun. We took Justin back to Patrick’s (after I borrowed a movie I had given as a gift ). It was a fun night and I can’t wait for the picture I took of Jess eating… she was not happy with me at all.

Featured Image Art: altered photo by Dustin Humes (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Today:
Happy 4th all!

Becky:
She responded. She already knew. It all feels so silly now, having faced it. I had 3 people in my life left to share this with and the 2 I just told already knew… I guess it is naive to think they wouldn’t have figured it out by now. I am 24… My older brother, Brent, won’t have figured it out, I think. I don’t plan on telling him for some time yet, but I don’t expect much out of it. He is very judgmental, or can be.

Me:
As is apparent to the world at this point, I have been really frustrated and in pain lately. I honestly don’t know what set me off, but I am just upset about life. I try not to be; I try to be happy, but it is hard feeling like a pariah. I know I am not, and I really don’t want praise or attention (above what I normally need), but I just don’t know how to make this go away — this insufferable anguish. I am holding up fine on the outside, but internally I am exploding with feelings I don’t want anyone to know… “The mean reds,” to make a totally gay reference.

And there it is, the source of my problems. “GAY” <– I hate the societal pressures to be homophobic, I hate the teachings of the church, based solely on speculation that certain passages “probably” mean things I doubt they do. I hate that all of this makes my family not really want to know me. Oh, yes, they still love me. They told me that.

But when I fall in love… I won’t have the warm reception into my home with my new boyfriend as my straight brothers had with their girlfriends. I will never have a spouse that my family recognizes and loves the way Janessa and Laurisa are loved. I will never have children, which makes me want to curl up right now and die. The only purpose to life seems to be children. And I would love children. But I cannot deny myself. Nor will I.

I want to be loved for me, and accepted not just as the son who happens to be gay, but as the gay son. That sounds so weird, but I don’t want to live a secondary existence to my siblings… I need to be equal. They are recognized automatically as my parents straight sons. They are not sons who happen to be straight, with their wives and children… I don’t want to be different, or rather to feel like I am different. I am normal for me. I love my parents very much, but until they ask me out of the blue if I have a boyfriend (as they would ask about a girlfriend), I know they still can’t see me as anything but an annoyance, a problem, a pariah.

I know this makes very little sense, but I needed it off my heart for now. I know my parents love me. I too love them very much. I needed to rant. I am very tired now. I need to get away from this life… away from me.

Featured Image Art: photo by Mel Poole (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Letter:
I sent the letter I wrote to Stan, my uncle. He already knows I think, but not officially. Hmm… I feel like I am on some kind of coming out roll. Why do I need to do that right now? I keep thinking I left way more information on paper at work, but I am pretty sure I didn’t even write anything down… Why am I rambling?

Music:
I think I will spend the evening making CDs for my trip to Texas… I am so happy to have some time off. Yay!

Exercise:
Maybe I will go for a walk when it cools down tonight. That might make a nice change to just sitting here. I hope I decide to just do it.

Mimi:
I really miss my grandma today.

Stan:
He is really one of the greatest people I know. I cannot believe the e-mail I just got from him.

Brian,

In a word, WOW!!! Not the gay stuff. . . . . more on that later, but WOW to the ability you have to expose your soul. Don’t ever call yourself a coward, when you have the guts to express yourself in that way. You are very courageous, although you may feel like it took too long, or the timing was wrong, or whatever. There is time and place for all of this. Brian, it is YOUR journey. There is not a timetable. . . .( re: Tell Mom on day 30, tell brother on Day 40, uncle and niece on Day 50). . . . . none of that matters. This is YOURS and YOURS alone. Your heart and soul will dictate the time. Don’t let anyone (even your Mom), pressure you on who to tell, who not to tell. These are huge decisions that only you can make.

Now, that doesn’t mean that some in your life (and I hope this includes me) can help with decent advice. IF you want it. As you know, everyone has their beliefs, and they are all entitled to them. What they are NOT entitled to do. . . . is pressure you, judge you or make you feel less of a man. Only YOU, GOD, and those in your life that YOU choose should influence you and your journey through life.

Your parents are only capable of so much. they cannot understand this right away. Just like you needed time to figure it all out, so will they. I hope you don’t expect too much. They love you so much, but may never understand it. And that’s OK!! That is their issue to deal with, and they will do what they can, when they can and however they can. Just remember———-that is theirs. It doesn’t change anything. Same goes for Brent and Brad, and cousins for that matter. I can’t speak for the Wilkinsons. But I can speak for me and Opie and Annie. . . . . I am tearing up alittle, because they are so cool about it. They asked me a few months ago, and I said that it was yours to respond to that, not mine. They both said “Brian is so cool, who cares!” They have a wonderful non-judgmental attitude. With Diane being very homophobic, I am proud that they have formed their own opinions. They (and I) love you and do not define you by your sexuality. You will never be my gay nephew. You will always be my wonderful, creative, loving, caring, passionate, funny, warm, sincere, smart, alittle messy!, courageous, loyal nephew, that. . . oh yeah. . . happens to be gay. I will never define you any other way. Any more than I would define Brent and Brad as my Straight nephews! That makes no sense. ( I hope to goodness this comes out right ).

You mentioned that it might be easier to let Becky (and I presume me and others in the family) go and move on with your life. I hope you don’t. Give her and whoever you want a chance, but just know it could take awhile.

Here is some advice that you may not be so welcome, but I am on a roll. I feel like this. . . the more “in your face” you are with them, the harder it is for them to react. Remember that you are dealing with people that are ignorant enough to think you chose this. You won’t change their mind. And they can’t change your mind. And that’s OK. Just as hard as it is for them to get a grip on you being gay, you have to return the understanding and get a grip on the fact that they may never get it. Remember that may be as hard for you as it is for them.

Brian, like I said earlier, your exposing yourself like this is very brave, and I admire it. Just remember that they don’t control your happiness. Give your family a break, sure, but give yourself a bigger break.

And one last thing. . . . . . . .I will ALWAYS be there for you not matter what.

I love you, B2.

Your uncle.

Featured Image Art: photo of Stan & Brian

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Family:
I finally decided to come out to my cousin, Becky. She is really one of two people I haven’t told since coming out to my friends in 1997. She means a lot to me and I really think that it will devastate me should I ever lose her respect and friendship. Over the past few years I have started to tell her on a number of occasions, but have always chickened out. I must now do this, as the secrecy is pulling us further apart. I will keep you posted on what happens. I told her best friend, a coworker of mine, but she already knew. *Click here for he letter I sent to Becky*

Friends:
Nobody understands me. Not that it is anyone’s fault but my own, but I feel like people treat me like the wallflower who likes being that way. Sometimes I do. But what my friends do not get is that I take a long time to warm up to people (weeks, months, years sometimes). They all end up giving up on me. I have stories, thoughts, opinions, concerns. It just feels to me like it all has to be about everyone else all the time.

Possibilities:
This is what I wrote to the guy I am into that made him want to meet me(I had said his recklessness was sexy; he questioned it):

“Sexy? Certainly… There is a boyish charm… a carelessness that reminds me of boys I’ve loved, dreamed of loving. There is a certain nostalgia that lives in you. The memory of bicycles, summer afternoons, snowcones, and friends you seemed to only know then because they were from the neighborhood. There is an impetuous nature that causes memories of things that have not yet happened. I can picture the impulsive way I’d be kissed or my hand grabbed and we’d run through a field for no reason other than the act itself. And how I would bring breakfast in bed because someone won’t listen and hurt himself… again! And I would nurse your wound, which would hurt longer because you’d want to be taken care of. And I’d be woken up at 3:00 a.m. some January night to be dragged outside to dance in the falling snow. Yes, it is sexy.”

Just wanted to share that because I was proud of it. Plus it is all true. I tried to write a poem about the same thing while I was on lunch today at work. I am still blocked. I have decided to rejoin pathetic.org. I will post a link when it is up.

Money:
I need to stop spending money. I am so scared of financial things right now. I would have been more vague about that if I could.

Me:
Big Friday plans: Haircut, clothes shopping (if I don’t have anything suitable for Saturday & Sunday), dinner with Dad & Lori, call Mom, call the guy, watch Six Feet Under Season 1, Disc 2. Big day. I may have caused a bit of a rift between myself and a good friend because of my funk. I hope he doesn’t hate me. And I hope I can learn to not hate his boyfriend (I am not there at this point). Forgive me T.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian & Becky

originally posted on Xanga