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Hooray for Heather! She has some of my all time favorite arms, which we were graced with daily when I worked with her selling books and coffee to people who I couldn’t stand. And Heather almost always smells pretty. Way to be awesome, little Heather.

Other stuff worth mentioning:

•My computer died. I’m using an even more ancient one. Dreadful!

•I have a tire on my car that requires air twice a day and a bank account incapable of supporting the purchase of a new tire. I’ve been cranky about it today.

•Earlier today, I had a Totino’s pizza. Say what you will about them, I still love them. They do make my house smell gross for a great many hours after though.

•I have so many ideas in my head I might just explode. If I do this over a notebook, maybe some of them will live on. I am trying to make this super collision of three different genres. I really should focus on my book.

•I was cranky with David and now I feel bad about it. Like I said, the tire. But also I’ve been really tired and my back has been hurting. I’m really not in a bad mood though.

•I miss last year. I want Daniel to be happy. I miss Daniel this week. I think it is better that I took a break from him. I think my feelings had taken a wrong turn. I don’t want to mess things up by being me about him.

•I really do enjoy drinking tea.

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I am not the person I was when this year began. My life has shifted in different ways, ultimately resulting in this transformed Brian that exists today. I really like being the new Brian, even if the old one is missed from time to time.

{david eugene & the demise of cloves}

I started hanging out with David last December. I had met him when he worked in the cafe at Borders over the summer and was instantly a fan. When he mysteriously left the store, I became obsessed with what turned out to be the memory of someone I didn’t even know well. In an act of silly desperation, I confessed my love for him. My confession was ignored and all future attempts to discuss it have been rejected. That was a great blessing; over the past year I have had one of the best friendships with David. He is often crazy, sometimes reclusive, but always there when I need him. When I was about to find myself homeless in September, it was David who immediately offered a place to stay. When I needed to get a new place of my own, it was David who hooked me up with a great deal on an apartment. When David decided to quit smoking a year ago, I also gave it up in support of his decision. He is still quitting. 2007 is defined mostly as the year of David to me.

{heather, the gay monkey, the rock star, and the world}

Oh, Heather. 2007 has not seemed like her year, but maybe it really has been. Heather’s boyfriend moved back to town halfway through the year. Previously, he had been in town 10 days per month. I think they both felt that they wanted that to happen; however, as their lives had progressed over time, neither knew what to do with one another being around so often. What seemed like a sudden burst of elation quickly fizzled and the two parted. It was a really sad time, as I liked both of them as individuals. But this is not a story with a sad ending. This freed Heather to pursue another option, the greatly more suitable John. Those two make so much more sense than I could have imagined. I miss my Heather, but I’m glad she is happy now. Heather also got a new place to live out of the break-up — well, okay, she was semi-forced to move.

Image: photo of Heather

Featured Image Art: photo by Klara Kulikova (via Unsplash)

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28 feels old. And it doesn’t help to realize that I am now living each of the days for the 29th time. It is not upsetting, but just interesting.

For my birthday, we went to The Moose’s Tooth for dinner. Grant, David, Jake, & Heather showed up. It was nice to be around people I care about. Craig & Heather came over to my place after dinner. I would like to spend more time with Craig. He is a lot of fun. It was a very low key day… nice. I wish David had been around a little more, but it was still nice.

Featured Image Art: Pola Dwurnik, “Blue and yellow bouquet of foxes” (2022), altered

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27.7

Through the dirty pane of glass
I see the lingering snow —
an ever shrinking mass of white.
It’s April and I wonder how much
longer I will be alone.
My head has hurt for a week now
and I can barely stay calm in a job
that seems to have become a prison.

I am calm. I am resolved.
The love is enough; the love
from my family of new friends
(fellow refugees, struggling to
find themselves)
They soothe me and I feel
less angry about failure.

The snow will stick
for a few more weeks.
The grass is displacing patches
here and there — this guest
is no longer welcome.

I am standing here
at my kitchen door,
ready to take to the air;
ready to break free and
start this next phase.
I inhale deeply,
but I do not move.

4.11.2007

Thoughts to people I’ve had on my mind lately. I don’t expect these people to read this, but I wanted my thoughts out there. I also don’t want anyone to feel left out. I have a lot of people in my life and a lot of love to give. Don’t take it personally if I didn’t mention you.

David: You know what I think about you and how I wish you could be content. I am so pained by the hurt you go through, as if I have somehow become an extension of you — an additional limb you don’t really want to deal with. I don’t mean to care so strongly, but I’m not sure I can reverse and love you less. You are a good person who deserves all the things you want, even if you sometimes want them too much. I want to stare into your face for hours. It soothes me and is familiar; you make me feel at home.

Bradley: You’ve endured such pain. I am sorry you’ve had to go through such a terrible time. You are a great person and I know that wherever your life takes you, good things are possible. I hope you realize the blessings in your life and cherish them.

Heather: You put up with too much from me (you put up with too much from everybody). I appreciate your concern about me and know that you really do care. That means a lot. I have tried to distance myself from you a little lately and I am sorry if it has seemed like rejection. It isn’t. I still care about you as much as always, but feel like we needed a bit of a break. I don’t think that anymore. I have been so lucky to have you as a friend.

Grant: I am worried that we have failed to connect recently. I have really tried to open up to you as a friend, but held back a little. I find it difficult to relate to men who aren’t gay, which is horrible of me. I feel like I am disappointing you at work and I hate it. Working for you is the only reason I am still at the store. I want to work for/with you, not only because you are a great guy to be around, but also because you know how to manage a store.

Jacci: You have so much to give. I wish I could just accept it and allow you into my life more. I don’t know if I am scared of something or what, but I just can’t seem to let my guard down around you. I am trying.

Mom: I feel like my journey has caused unnecessary stress for you. I know you don’t understand why I needed to be in Alaska — I don’t really either, but the last thing I ever wanted was to be further away from you. You are one of my closest friends and I wish I could be more open with you. I also worry about you a great deal. I wish I could see you every single day.

People I miss (in no particular order): Jess C, Jess F, Justin, Becky, Meghan, Jill, Jeff, Marla, Serenity, The Kim, Dad, Lori, Ed, Sharon, Stan, G, Annie, Laurisa, Samantha, Kendra, Mimi, Valeri, JoBeth, Ray, Opie, Geri, Jerry, Travis, Conner, Tim, Kathy, Mary C, Mary, Ann, Mom, JD, Jason, Jennie, Elisabeth, Emily, Matt A, Ken, Shauna, Gordon, KC, John H, James, Debbie, Molly, Avery, May, Riley, Jason M, Brent, Bryce, Cara, Paul, Patrick, David E, David M

I know that frustration will only cause me more problems and I can’t live with it. I have to move on and become who I am right now. Life is far too short to accept pain. Having almost literally counted my blessings, it seems that I must realize how lucky I am. And I do know that. I hope all of this means I am moving forward.

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I picked Heather up from the airport last night. Of course, I went to the wrong terminal, but I eventually got her. I’m so glad she is back. Welcome home, Heather! Before that I went to Gallo’s for our usual Monday night fun. It was just Grant & James, but it was great. I really enjoy talking to Grant about just about everything; I wish I could talk to people when others are around.

Featured Image Art: photo of Heather

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We’re Off To See The Blizzard

I ended my trip home by spending a few hours with Becky. I loved seeing her and was glad to finally reconnect. It had been far too long since we’d had a chance to hang out. I wish I could be around her all the time. She is so much fun.

The rest of Sunday was spent on a plane. 9 hours in the same seat… it isn’t fun. I was seated next to a woman who just loved to talk and I tried to not accidentally indicate that I may want to talk to her. It was a largely successful effort and I was able to spend my trip in silence. I did read My Fine Feathered Friend, which I had purchased in Stillwater for 20¢. I enjoyed it and was glad I didn’t pay cover price for it. I will most likely read it again and again, but it was too short.

When I arrived in Anchorage, it was very late… after midnight. Heather had arrived early to pick me up at 11:30, when the plane was suppose to land. I felt bad that she had to wait, but I couldn’t have known ahead of time. She helped me get my stuff into her car. I detected a bit of congestion starting, but I assumed it was a symptom of being on the plane for as long as I was. On the short drive home, I enjoyed the view of the week-old blanket of snow covering the city. It was January cold, but I felt warm to be at home.

How strange, I remarked, that this place feels like home. Heather agreed. She helped get my stuff into the house and hung out for a little bit. We both decided it was time for bed and she left. I was scheduled to be at work at 6:00 a.m.

a sick body is a prison

I woke up Monday morning very early. It was 5:00 and I couldn’t talk. I could barely breathe. The tickle from the night before was now a full-blown illness. I debated a little, waited until 6:00, & called the store. Work was not going to happen… not until I had a little medicine. I pretty much felt crappy all day. I missed the luncheon for Grant, which sucks. I missed work and getting payroll done correctly, which I am just now paying for.

I returned to work on Tuesday. I didn’t quite feel 100%, but wasn’t quite sick either. Tuesday was great, Wednesday was good. I was sleeping a lot, which was expected. I hadn’t had to do anything for 2 weeks. Thursday hit me like a ton of bricks. I was completely congested again. My head hurt and I could barely think correctly. I spent the entire day at work trying to stay motivated and awake. As soon as I got home, I crashed.

After a few hours I woke up, still feeling like poo and lethargic. I showered, which helped a bit. Heather called at 9:00 p.m. about the movie plans. I had totally forgotten, but agreed to go. I was a bit cranky. The movie, The Film Is Not Yet Rated, was amazing. Shocking, really. I recommend it.

Today, Friday, has been just as bad. I feel horrible. I did get to the store for some DayQuil & NyQuil. I hope they help. I can’t miss work… I have too much to do.

Okay, I will stop complaining now. 😉

I love snow.

Image: Cuno Amiet, “Baum in Winterlandschaft”

Featured Image Art: Alexej Kondratjewitsch, “Sawrassow”

 

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My Legs Strike Again:
Saturday, while I was working, I began having pain in my legs. It eventually got to the point that I couldn’t really walk and I was forced to sit for a couple of hours at my desk doing work that, while needed to be done, was not as much fun as working on the floor on a Saturday afternoon. It was a little better for the last 15 minutes of my shift when I returned to the floor. Having taken pain reliever (which I never do), I was tired and went home to sleep off whatever the problem was.

Jess called and woke me up after a while and we went searching for Heather & Jake. We didn’t find them and ended up at The Raven, a neighborhood gay bar, unfortunately known for drugs. I was in the mood for a bit of filth. I actually enjoyed myself, as it was quiet and practically empty. We talked and left messages on Heather’s machine.

Finally, we ended up at Heather’s, where we ordered pizza and watched Wayne’s World 2 (of all things). It was a great time and a lot of skin was exposed! Jess’ underwear was exposed — and bills were inserted into the sides. Jake bore his chest and pressed it against the window to the porch in a random moment of exhibitionism. It was fun and made me very happy to be here in Alaska with people I enjoy.

Sunday morning, I woke up in pain. My legs had not only gotten worse, but my entire body was sore. It was weird, like a burning sensation just under the skin, but not muscle. I called out and slept all day. I didn’t feel like standing up until 6:00 a.m. Monday morning. By that time, the pain was gone. Nearly as quickly as it had started, it was gone.

Del Marquis:
I was thrilled to discover music by Del on his MySpace account. He is awesome and it was great to hear his music independantly of Scissor Sisters. Don’t get me wrong, SS still makes me tear up, but it was nice to hear the difference.

Pier 1:
I know it will get better, but I am still plagued with longing for David. It is just something to get over, I guess. I wish him well and I know that this was not about me. I am such a fantastic person that anyone would be lucky to have me.

Images: John Breed art installation; photo and logo of The Raven; long legs sculpture

Featured Image Art: photo by Jr Korpa (via Unsplash)

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I revealed something to a friend… a crush. I am terrified of what will happen next (good or bad). I just needed to get it off my heart and let him know because it was consuming me, keeping me up at night. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in months and I can’t stop thinking about him. It felt like the right thing to do. Unfortunately, he was unavailable, so I left a message, telling him everything that I needed him to know. If I had waited, I would have lost my nerve.

I don’t really know what to think right now. I guess it was the best way to deal with it, but I still have this fear of people thinking about me when I am not around. I want people to love me, but I don’t really want them giving much thought to me when I am not with them… which is probably why gifts make me uncomfortable. The idea that the person was considering me is unsettling. (Is this just another step on the road to needing therapy?)

I can’t wait for my vacation. I leave in a week and I am nowhere near ready. I look forward to spending time with my family and have made some definite plans with friends to go dancing. I think the trip will be very emotional from start to finish. We’ll see.

A huge thank you to Heather (& Jake). I have spent ever so much time at their home using the internet. It is very kind of them to be so patient with me.

Featured Image Art: photo by Joshua Newton (via Unsplash)

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Happy Birthday Heather! I am sitting here at the end of the party at Heather’s. I begrudgingly was convinced to engage in a game of Apples To Apples, which wasn’t as bad as I wanted it to be. Okay, fine, it was fun.

Everyone who came was in good spirits, which was nice. Somehow, I expected some of the drama lovers to attend, but they didn’t. Yay.

Even bigger news… I have a phone now! FINALLY. It has been several months since I last had a phone. I opted for a cell, since it doesn’t require that I be at home all the time. I am very happy with that decision.

Finances are on the way to normal. They aren’t there yet, but they definitely are going that way.

I am considering a second job. Heather would like me to go for the other theater chain in town, but just to go to free movies. I think I would like to try for Pier 1 or some such place.

Image: photo of Heather & Brian

Featured Image Art: photo by Zetong Li (via Unsplash)

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I have been feverishly trying to define myself. I have actually been doing a lot of non-Brian activities lately. I have a need to figure out what religion I am most aligned with… I don’t know why I have this need to define myself. I am usually satisfied with my beliefs being what they are and not needing to lock them into a pre-defined set of… whatevers. But I somehow need to know. I have discovered that I rest somewhere happily between non-Baptist protostant Christianity, Hinduism, & Judaism. Somehow, that makes sense finding that out. But I don’t know what to do with that information either. I went on this quest mainly to answer the question when asked, but I am no closer to doing that. The honest answer is confusing to most.

Meanwhile, the condo is not sold… I have made plans to visit Oklahoma in October… Work is good… Heather has a birthday soon… I got my invite to Dorothy & Sean’s wedding… I have been unsettlingly homesick… I am still broke… my tattoo design is not yet completed… Ashley & I are going to the fair next weeked and then she is taking me out to a glacier the following week… and life goes on.

I will include some things I have written soon. I have been at it again, which really means I have been a bit depressed. No worries though; depression is the only means to my self expression. My creative self will now be allowed out for a breath.

I miss the weirdest things.

Featured Image Art: Oswald Völkel, “The Sacred Heart of Jesus”; painting of Ganesha (unknown artist)