By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Do You Remember?

Cloudy day.  A little bit cooler than yesterday, but definitely still warm.  I thought I might get a full hour in, but that didn’t quite happen.  I think if it had been a weekday and the park was empty, I might have done the full hour.  I’m not sure why I seem to be shying away from my neighbors.  They don’t scare me; I’m more afraid that I bother them.  I guess I still feel a little like a guest in their home.  I just need to work on feeling more ownership of my place and some sense of being a full part of the community.  I’ll get there.

My leg was swollen and tightly squeezed into my jeans.  It has me worried because it’s been about 9 months since I was dealing with that issue.  I honestly don’t know what I might be doing wrong.  It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m trying so hard and not only am I not losing weight, but it feels like I’m gaining.  I know I’m not doing everything in my power.  I could start there.  Maybe white rice is my Achilles heel.  Maybe I’m using too much salt.  Maybe I’m cheating too often.  I need to go back to square one and built from the bottom up.  Eliminating doesn’t work for me, but starting over will. 

[Walk #331, 1.65 miles]

Playlist

  1. September, Earth, Wind & Fire
  1. You, Regard, Troye Sivan & Tate McRae
  1. Exercise the Demons, LVCRFT (feat. Olivia Demon Spawn & Bruce Campbell)
  1. Twister, The Cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race
  1. Dance Like You Got Good Credit, Cazwell (feat. Cherie Lily)
  1. Qui tu es, Emmanuel Moire
  1. Nothing Really Matters, Madonna
  1. Quest for the Hammer of Glory, Gloryhammer
  1. Shadow of the Night, Pat Benatar
  1. When the Devil Calls My Name, LVCRFT
  1. Pussy On Fire, The Cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

In a lot of ways, it feels like things are starting to make sense for me.  And it a lot of other ways, it feels like things are as chaotic as always.  Everyone seems just a little frustrated, but I’m not sure most of them can articulate why.  I know I can’t.

I finished Okie Dokie last month, and I have done a couple of edits to it since.  I hope I’m at a point where I can leave it alone now.  My copies come in the mail Saturday, and I’ll really know then.  I’m both excited and terrified to have my writing available for others.  That was always the goal, but I’m just so nervous about these things.  I hope others can appreciate my point of view and I’m looking forward to getting feedback, even if that feedback is negative.  Constructive criticism is always welcome.  I actually just assume that if someone doesn’t like something I’ve written, then that is just a preference they have and does not reflect on my writing in any real way.  If the consensus is negative, then I’m just writing the wrong things for current audiences.  I will have to wait and see.  The really difficult thing will be critiques by those I admire or grammatical errors pointed out by those I don’t.

I’ve started working on my next book, which will be similar to Okie Dokie in that it will contain selections of poetry from the past twenty years, as well as a few new poems to pull the book together.  I’ll have one or two more like that before relegating unpublished poetry to a “remnants” book of some sort in the future.  I have some things I’ve written that I really love, but I’m not sure how to make them work in any of these projects.  I do want a story to emerge from the collection, even if only loosely.  Okie Dokie was about myself and about how I see the world around me.  The second book will be about family and the places from which they came.  The third book is about friendship and love.  If I need fourth or fifth, I’ll do another about myself and then a last one about family, as those are the two subjects I’ve written the most about.  I’m also not limiting my writing.  I have other things I want to write and those things will fall into the projects that make the most sense for them.

For October, I’m enjoying some spooky stories and songs throughout the month, and I am of course bothering family with those things.  I miss sharing things with people.  I find everyone becoming increasingly isolated, and not just in my own family.  I’ll post some of those things on here during the month.

By:
On:
With: 1 Comment

I’m a bit stressed. It seems to always be something.

This week, it is family drama keeping me up at night. I’m much more stressed about it than I realized. I wish I was home to be supportive, but glad I’m 4,000 miles from the mess.

Why isn’t ibuprofen a sleeping pill?

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

{satan’s hamster runs amuck}

If asked a year ago, I probably would have told you that I had the best job I could imagine for myself. And I did. I so enjoyed office and HR work with Borders. It almost felt like my calling in a way and the experience has shaped the path I am choosing in all future retail jobs. But it wasn’t meant to last. In April, after my whining that I needed a second job had prompted David to nag me about applying to Michaels, I finally started a new job. Honestly, I barely took it seriously at first, being that this was my second job, a way to make a little spending money. It was supposed to be fun. They decided to promote me after a month and I’ve since been a lot better about being an adult at work. I had gone on vacation just before this promotion at Michaels and my return marked the end of my time at Borders. In my absence, a lot of assumptions were made about what amount of work I was doing. The manager directly above me, who had spent almost no time learning what my day consisted of and having no knowledge of my filing system, decided that I did not know what I was doing. Simultaneously, I had chosen to not allow this manager to run me over anymore. That would be the mistake I would come to regret. Crossing certain people can lead to one’s downfall and it was headed there with me. Every minor mistake or item left for the next shift was recorded and used in an effort to get me fired. Things that were common for others in my position were used as my failings. I gave my notice at the end of June. Michaels was eager to give me hours and I was soon working full-time hours. In September, I was officially made full-time and promoted to a position at the new store in town. We spent the month of October setting up the store, where I am now employed. I like this sort of work just fine, but I still miss my position at Borders. I think this will end up being a very good thing for me, regardless of where I end up in the future. I learned a lot at Borders and made a lot of friends and contacts. In such a small town, these contacts will certainly be helpful to me later. I look forward to the day that the manager who made my life so difficult at Borders is no longer working there.

Featured Image Art: photo by Ricky Kharawala (via Unsplash), altered

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I am tired. I am really tired. I need a break from work. One day at a time doesn’t really seem to work any longer. It’ll get better soon; the stupid people will go back into hiding, their cheap Christmas presents making them happy for another year. And my work life can get more sane in their absence.

Okay, that was a little judgemental of me. As I have said before, I like most people as individuals, but I cannot stand people in general. They just irritate me. I think that is why I would like to own my own smaller business. Dealing with fewer people at a time would be nice. I’m also interested in working at a bookstore again. Not to overly stereotype, but the type of customer that shops for books is just somehow better than the type shopping for $1 kids crafts and clearance home decor that they are sure they can haggle down the price of.

I have a few ideas for my other website. I like the idea of a green website, with contributions from various friends. It would include home improvement ideas, book reviews, product reviews, recycling & reusing ideas, etc. I would hardly want a “tree-hugger” site, but I think it would be nice to share thoughts about how to live a little bit more green.

I also like the idea of just a book review site. It might not be groundbreaking, but would be a fun way to pool thought on various types of books.

Whatever I do with it, I would like to have a number of contributors, from several different places.

Featured Image Art: digital collage by Brian Fuchs

By:
On:
With: 2 Comments

I feel like a little kid who threw a fit last night. Honestly, that wasn’t my intention. I was frustrated, angry, and sad. I couldn’t shake it and felt like I was about to cry in the living room. That would have been embarrassing since Jeff was over and he and David (well… and I) were watching a movie. I got up and went down stairs and didn’t return. I don’t really know what happened either. Or I do. I ended up turning up some music too loud so the world would melt away. When I had calmed myself sufficiently, I went to bed. I didn’t hear from David, but I can see how it would look for him. I doubt he noticed all that much actually. Being alone is suddenly hard, despite my 28 years of experience. Having other people flaunt their happiness in front of me is frustrating.

This morning I feel fine. No lingering resentment. I think I must have just been too tired to deal with things. And I felt like I was intruding on their evening, even though I had been invited to be there with them to watch the movie.

I don’t really know what all of this means… if anything at all.

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I am fairly okay with having very little. I’ve never equated money with happiness… most of the time anyway. But money not equaling happiness has not kept a lack of money from equaling unhappiness. It’s true. I have recently found myself very poor indeed — learning the same lessons I learned five years ago. The difference is that I didn’t need to learn them again. I already knew that the systems in place keep the poor from overcoming their poverty. I am fully aware that the more money you have, the easier it is to get money. This is the American economic system at work. What I didn’t bank on was my own personal will driving me into a state that is increasingly difficult to rise above.

I moved to Alaska with fairly small dreams actually. I didn’t want to do anything grand — I just wanted to be here in this place. It really does make me happy. But not having big dreams, I have had to rely on the small pay of the retail world to get by. That can be difficult, but I had family to give me a roof over my head when I needed it. That situation ended and I am staying with a friend, but have to figure out how to live again soon. I had quit my full time job and was relying on part time to get me by. This week, I start my full time position at Michaels. I need it. Since David was promoted, I am being required to move by Christmas or risk losing my new position and being sent to the old store… and I know David wants his space. It was very generous of him to take me in.

But how can I do that reasonably? I have tossed around the idea/plan of getting a place with Heather & Jake. I don’t know if that is a great idea, given what different places in our lives we are all in, but it is a financially responsible way of going about things. The requirements are vastly different though. I like a neighborhood that is alive and colorful, rather than a quiet community of strangers. How can we all be happy together? My other option is to apply for low income housing at one of the apartment complexes in town. It is a relatively private place, but has a lot of character in its own right. I am not too proud to seek that kind of assistance, but then I would feel like I am betraying my good friends who are looking for somewhere new to live.

I am tired all the time. I think the things going on recently have affected me more than I was ready to admit. I need a second job, but don’t want to give up so much of my freedom. I probably will have little choice in the end. I can’t just not look for a job. It is vital that I do so I can have the necessary money to get a new apartment.

The gym. The whole idea is so daunting now. I love my gym time, but haven’t gone is so long because of various circumstances. I want to start over, go frequently, and push myself harder. I felt better and happier when I was going 6 days a week. I am over being fat. I hate going to buy pants and being limited to certain stores because so many don’t make the right size. And even those that have the correct waist are insultingly large in the leg, making me seem much larger than I actually am. And finding the right length is hard too. I have similar issues with shirts. I am just over being in this body because I feel like a different person inside. I’d like to take time to uncover that person.

Featured Image Art: János Hajnal, “VOLPI” (1964)

By:
On:
With: 2 Comments

When I think about my friends, I tend to define them in the way episodes of the show Friends were titled. There is the one who reads too much, the one who works too much, the one who is handy, the one who is always kidding, the one I kissed, the one who moved, the one who ran, the one who made me come out when it wasn’t time, the one who writes, & the one who is always growing up. There are others and they are always defined in this way to me. Then there is me. For whatever reason, I am always the one who cannot have a bad day. I don’t like that about myself most of the time, but I am usually able to just accept it and move on.

Regardless of what my emotional state is, I am never as bad off as my friends. Currently, I am feeling rather lonely and sad — I would love for my 2 closest friends to be around, even if only here and there. However, both of them are having issues of their own. Both of them have more reason to be emotionally distant than I do to be emotionally needy. But this is the pattern of my life. If I am down, someone else is more down. If I feel lost, someone else needs my help finding their way.

I’ll get through it. I’ll be fine in the end. But I won’t have managed with much help from my friends. I know they care… they really do, but they can’t always be there. I hope that this is how I grow. It feels sad to grow without those around to comfort me when I am gloomy. Maybe it is. But I don’t really get a choice most of the time.

I’m not really fishing for comfort on here either. I know you are all supportive. I just needed to share because I can’t get my way right now. My friends don’t have time for me right now (or they want to be left alone or they have other issues going on). I’m not indicating that I blame them for having lives of their own either. My feelings are not their fault. But I am frustrated and those who read this get to deal with it now.

Thanks for listening to me whine.

Image: AI Image (created using Wonder AI)

Featured Image Art: photo of Ashley, John, & Heather

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

It was a sudden shift, but I officially do not work at Borders any longer. This was a rather difficult decision, and yet the easiest thing I’ve ever done.

It had been building for quite some time. A particularly difficult person had been making my job even harder because of obvious disagreements between us. It seemed obvious that one of us would have to go. Having a position above me, the upper hand was gained and the pressure to get rid of me was on.

It seemed that Grant would rather me leave if I was not going to fight back, but I am hardly a fighter in these situations. I don’t blame him at all. He wants a certain kind of management staff, which he is not finding. I wish it could be what is should be, but there is a lack of competence.

I really loved working for Borders — I hope to end up there again one day (hopefully, not too long from now). Book retail is second nature to me and Borders has really proven itself to me. It is a disorganized and messy company full of people who care about what they do. It is nice to have been associated with passionate people. Obviously, my time with Barnes & Noble was much longer, but Borders now has a portion of my heart too. On top of that, I really loved the specific position I held at Borders and hope I can find similar work at another company.

I really didn’t want to leave, but it felt like something I needed to do. And I really wanted to make my leaving about something other than difficulties with another person, but it really wasn’t. There was no real stress in my tasks, but a great amount in worrying what I would do to get angry e-mails from someone who just can’t seem to get along with other people.

I will land on my feet. Michaels has offered me hours until I find something else, understanding that my love for books will compel me to find a job at a bookstore.

Image: photo by Jan Mellstrom (via Unsplash)

Featured Image Art: Keith Henderson, “Girl and boy in windy landscape” (1913)

By:
On:
With: 2 Comments

Having 2 jobs is really tiring. I’m not sure how long I will last, especially with my part-time job scheduling me 4 days. I require down time in my life. I hope I can make it work, but not at the expense of my sanity!

Jess, this next one is going to be great. I will work on it when I have some time… which is… ? eventually!

Featured Image Art: Roz, “Bee #377”

By:
On:
With: 1 Comment

1. Why can I not stay on task and finish sorting through my stuff / cleaning my house? Probably because I am a little stressed out at the moment. I like having a clean home to relax in, but sometimes I just want to relax without having to worry about cleaning. So it has been lately. I just would rather wait.

2. What made me stop looking for a new full-time position (for now)? I genuinely like where I work. I don’t mind the quirks anymore. Oh, I assure you that I did when I started a year and a half ago. But I no longer am concerned about such things. I also have started to calm down, as I really needed to. Work is work. It will be difficult at times. What I really need is a way to escape. Heather has her books. David has his crafts. Nothing seems to fit. Sure writing is great, but the great problem is that writing is work. It takes a lot of time and energy. I love it and it doesn’t stress me out in the least, but it doesn’t exactly allow me to properly unwind. I need something more mindless for that. Since I started at Michaels, maybe I will try crafting again. There are so many things I can do.

3. What seems to be the job related issue? Even though I am not currently seeking a new line of work, I do believe there is a fundamental problem with me and retail now. And this is very recent. I have discovered office work. I feel like I have somewhat outgrown field retail as a career and should be working in a corporate office at this point. I love providing customer service and working with customers, but retail — almost all retail — involves tons of busy work and very little compensation for it. It was a very satisfying way to spend the last 8.5 years of life, but I may need to try something else for a little while. But not just yet. I want to give myself some time to enjoy retail again. No major career changes for at least another year.

4. Why do I make these lists? I make them to continue to write. If I make a list of something specific, I can usually force myself to write something. A list gives me a subject when none had come to mind. They spark creativity.

5. What is new with Brian? I am currently working on securing members for my new community site. I haven’t really decided what the theme is — and that will determine a lot. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. The idea started as a community of artists, but now it might be of “booksellers” or “opinionated people” or “people who have lived in Alaska” or “people whose last names only contain 5 letters.” It is still really open. Start the ideas flowing!!!

Hugs to all.

Featured Image Art: photo of me

By:
On:
With: 1 Comment

First, I hope everyone had a nice Easter weekend. I wish I had a sense of tradition for holidays. Not that my family doesn’t do holidays — we do. But I still don’t mind not having a celebration to attend or having family around. I’d much rather have my family around on a random Tuesday… we’d have dinner and talk late into the night about nothing in particular. I miss that.

“The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots and standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse, a little later on.”
–Elbert Hubbard

I have a headache. I’ve had it for about a week now. It is worse when I am at work or thinking about work. When I am at home, not thinking about it, I hardly notice it. I am extremely frustrated with the direction of my job and can’t seem to find a solution at the moment. Maybe there is no solution, but I am certainly not happy. It all feels so petty when I have to analyze it. Somehow, the concerns that drive me to tears while I am at the store seem so trivial when I am not there.

These are my complaints:
•Those hierarchically above me feeling entitled to whatever they want.
•Those same people complaining about having to work certain shifts, knowing that I write the schedules.
•All questions and concerns about the way the schedule is written requiring an impromptu meeting.
•Full-time employees planning work around their social lives instead of the other way around.
•Having more work to do than I can finish and receiving no help when I need it, even after requesting it.
•Bending the rules because certain employees are more “valuable” than others.
•Not having an outlet for venting frustrations.
•The things I do affecting people’s lives and others not understanding that.
•Having a supervisor who gives orders rather than working with me to get everything done.

I love my job. I really do. I like being entrusted with responsibility and am honored to be the person who makes so many decisions about the store. I feel perfect for the job, as I tend to have more patience than most and I am trustworthy. I know that my job will never be done; not only do I have to complete the same tasks every two weeks, but I also want to learn new things all the time and challenge myself to grow as a part of the company. That is difficult at the moment though. I feel like I can barely catch up enough to just get by.

I wanted to be a writer. I still do. But I feel like that is slipping further and further away, as I am in a line of work that requires a lot of work all day. Much of what I do is mental work, but that is just as taxing and I end up exhausted and disinterested by the time I get home. To calm down and resume the love of things I forget to enjoy requires me to spend a few hours with David or Heather just so I can collect my thoughts. Is my job getting in the way of my goals? I don’t want to believe that it is, but I am obviously not doing what I love to do as a result of what I need to do to pay the bills. And it barely does that.

Where am I going with this? I don’t really know. I don’t have a solution, as I have said. I don’t know if relieving some of the stress will fix the problem or not. I need the money I earn from working, but I need my dreams to be realized. How can I have both?

[Did I take a break from this blog? Not exactly. I have been so stressed out that I have been unable to focus on anything. I have done a lot of sleeping. I have done a little crying. I have been at David’s and at Heather’s. I have been escaping from my life through events rather than through the computer. It may be a loophole, but I am still using it Travis. Plus, I’ve been updating & adding poetry pages.]

Images: Paul Klee – Die Zwitscher-Maschine (Twittering Machine) (1922); photo by Eugene Chystiakov (via Unsplash)

Featured Image Art: photo by John (via Unsplash)

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I was a jerk to David tonight. I was really upset that I wasn’t nice and cried on my way home from his house. I feel a little silly and pathetic. I hope he is okay.

 

It is 3:51 a.m. on Monday. I can’t sleep! I am so hyper and it makes no sense. I have to go pick up Heather tomorrow night and I will be so exhausted when I go. BLAST.

Featured Image Art: AI Image (created using Wonder AI)

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I am officially over being sad. That’s right, over it. Where has all this sadness gotten me? Tired, fat, unmotivated, uninteresting, bitchy, unfriendly, & bored. I have had it up to here (holding hand up to non-specific head part) with this crap!

I recently told a friend that I was sorry she had to see the me she sees because the one inside is so different. It was misconstrued, but easily. What I meant by that is that regardless of this outward façade, I am a very different person inside. My moods are different, my emotions are different, and yes, my body is different. There is nothing wrong with the way I look, but it isn’t reflective of the real me. I wish people could see the person I know, because that one is who I feel I am. I am sorry that they must settle for this imposter.

So, what am I doing about this? Anyone who has known me for any longer than 5 minutes knows that I lose track of things… forget to do routine tasks. I am famous for losing focus and being often lost out on a far tangent, too stretched away from the point to recover. This is my fatal flaw. But I can do it. It just requires that I write it down. If I can write these things out for a long enough time, I will encompass that next day when I feel motivated to do it again, thereby ensuring that I continue to do these whatevers. But it makes me feel terribly nerdy to refer to lists and schedules in my personal life to accomplish mundane tasks.

Vanity must die.

So, I’ve made the pact with myself. I have gathered advice from the few who were privileged with insights into my deterioration. I am determined to become a new me. Two weeks from now, this pact could be all but forgotten, but at the moment I really want to do this. We’ll see where this all takes me.

Thanks to everyone for being so kind. My life is full of the most generous people I have ever known and I appreciate every one of you.

Featured Image Art: Kenojuak Ashevak, “Displaying Feathers”

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

So, I have been rather critical of my current visit with my family. I came home to Stillwater, Oklahoma after having spent the past year in Alaska. I am only here for 2 weeks and had very specific expectations of what this trip would be. Firstly, there would be exuberance and rejoicing over my return. Celebration and merriment would follow and I would enjoy many days of relaxing conversation with my parents at their new home outside of town.

That did not happen. The lack of interest in me once I arrived made me feel severely unneeded. Perhaps it is a blessing to know this. It doesn’t make knowing it any easier to know that my family can exist happily without me. It hurts a little. And this growing pain was something that needed to occur. I realize that I was never going to grow if I considered myself just one of my parents’ children instead of viewing myself as an independant individual, capable of being my own person.

I am capable.

I have only been gone for a year, but is seems like so much longer. Things I never took notice of before, suddenly stick out like bits of bone in the most delicious piece of fish I’ve ever eaten. I want to love it so much, but it just isn’t quite right. Conversely, things I took for granted seem like little blessings that only I seem to be aware of — the price of groceries, the proximity of family, dirt roads — and nobody else is taking notice. I miss this place, but I am happy to not be here at the same time.

My parents have changed. My brothers have changed. And there are small children, ready to take any attention left from whomever is around. It is a chaotic place, full of love and life, but completely unwelcoming to me. Because I wish it was the way it used to be.

Not In Alaska:
I have been enjoying the small pleasures I cannot get in Alaska. Trips: Sonic X2, Whataburger, Wal-Mart Supercenter X2, Wall’s, Bath & Bodyworks. I plan to go to a thrift store & Wall’s today and this weekend I will be going to Target, Bangkok, & hopefully Tuesday Morning and/or Hobby Lobby.

{edit}

Let me make things more clear. I really do love my family. They are the best family I could hope for. They are the most generous, most caring, & most interesting people I know. I was simply disappointed in the state of things in regards to the way I was treated on my returning after a year.

Images: Oklahoma A&M logo; illustration of seated woman (McGill Library via Unsplash)

Featured Image Art: township map of Payne County, OK