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Do You Remember?

Cloudy day.  A little bit cooler than yesterday, but definitely still warm.  I thought I might get a full hour in, but that didn’t quite happen.  I think if it had been a weekday and the park was empty, I might have done the full hour. 

I’m not sure why I seem to be shying away from my neighbors.  They don’t scare me; I’m more afraid that I bother them.  I guess I still feel a little like a guest in their home.  I just need to work on feeling more ownership of my place and some sense of being a full part of the community.  I’ll get there.

My leg was swollen and tightly squeezed into my jeans.  It has me worried because it’s been about 9 months since I was dealing with that issue.  I honestly don’t know what I might be doing wrong.  It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m trying so hard and not only am I not losing weight, but it feels like I’m gaining.  I know I’m not doing everything in my power.  I could start there.  Maybe white rice is my Achilles heel.  Maybe I’m using too much salt.  Maybe I’m cheating too often.  I need to go back to square one and built from the bottom up.  Eliminating doesn’t work for me, but starting over will. 

[Walk #331, 1.65 miles]

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In a lot of ways, it feels like things are starting to make sense for me.  And it a lot of other ways, it feels like things are as chaotic as always.  Everyone seems just a little frustrated, but I’m not sure most of them can articulate why.  I know I can’t.

I finished Okie Dokie last month, and I have done a couple of edits to it since.  I hope I’m at a point where I can leave it alone now.  My copies come in the mail Saturday, and I’ll really know then.  I’m both excited and terrified to have my writing available for others.  That was always the goal, but I’m just so nervous about these things.  I hope others can appreciate my point of view and I’m looking forward to getting feedback, even if that feedback is negative.  Constructive criticism is always welcome.  I actually just assume that if someone doesn’t like something I’ve written, then that is just a preference they have and does not reflect on my writing in any real way.  If the consensus is negative, then I’m just writing the wrong things for current audiences.  I will have to wait and see.  The really difficult thing will be critiques by those I admire or grammatical errors pointed out by those I don’t.

I’ve started working on my next book, which will be similar to Okie Dokie in that it will contain selections of poetry from the past twenty years, as well as a few new poems to pull the book together.  I’ll have one or two more like that before relegating unpublished poetry to a “remnants” book of some sort in the future.  I have some things I’ve written that I really love, but I’m not sure how to make them work in any of these projects.  I do want a story to emerge from the collection, even if only loosely.  Okie Dokie was about myself and about how I see the world around me.  The second book will be about family and the places from which they came.  The third book is about friendship and love.  If I need fourth or fifth, I’ll do another about myself and then a last one about family, as those are the two subjects I’ve written the most about.  I’m also not limiting my writing.  I have other things I want to write and those things will fall into the projects that make the most sense for them.

For October, I’m enjoying some spooky stories and songs throughout the month, and I am of course bothering family with those things.  I miss sharing things with people.  I find everyone becoming increasingly isolated, and not just in my own family.  I’ll post some of those things on here during the month.

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I’m a bit stressed. It seems to always be something.

This week, it is family drama keeping me up at night. I’m much more stressed about it than I realized. I wish I was home to be supportive, but glad I’m 4,000 miles from the mess.

Why isn’t ibuprofen a sleeping pill?

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{satan’s hamster runs amuck}

If asked a year ago, I probably would have told you that I had the best job I could imagine for myself. And I did. I so enjoyed office and HR work with Borders. It almost felt like my calling in a way and the experience has shaped the path I am choosing in all future retail jobs. But it wasn’t meant to last. In April, after my whining that I needed a second job had prompted David to nag me about applying to Michaels, I finally started a new job. Honestly, I barely took it seriously at first, being that this was my second job, a way to make a little spending money. It was supposed to be fun. They decided to promote me after a month and I’ve since been a lot better about being an adult at work. I had gone on vacation just before this promotion at Michaels and my return marked the end of my time at Borders. In my absence, a lot of assumptions were made about what amount of work I was doing. The manager directly above me, who had spent almost no time learning what my day consisted of and having no knowledge of my filing system, decided that I did not know what I was doing. Simultaneously, I had chosen to not allow this manager to run me over anymore. That would be the mistake I would come to regret. Crossing certain people can lead to one’s downfall and it was headed there with me. Every minor mistake or item left for the next shift was recorded and used in an effort to get me fired. Things that were common for others in my position were used as my failings. I gave my notice at the end of June. Michaels was eager to give me hours and I was soon working full-time hours. In September, I was officially made full-time and promoted to a position at the new store in town. We spent the month of October setting up the store, where I am now employed. I like this sort of work just fine, but I still miss my position at Borders. I think this will end up being a very good thing for me, regardless of where I end up in the future. I learned a lot at Borders and made a lot of friends and contacts. In such a small town, these contacts will certainly be helpful to me later. I look forward to the day that the manager who made my life so difficult at Borders is no longer working there.Continue Reading

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I am tired. I am really tired. I need a break from work. One day at a time doesn’t really seem to work any longer. It’ll get better soon; the stupid people will go back into hiding, their cheap Christmas presents making them happy for another year. And my work life can get more sane in their absence.

Okay, that was a little judgemental of me. As I have said before, I like most people as individuals, but I cannot stand people in general. They just irritate me. I think that is why I would like to own my own smaller business. Dealing with fewer people at a time would be nice. I’m also interested in working at a bookstore again. Not to overly stereotype, but the type of customer that shops for books is just somehow better than the type shopping for $1 kids crafts and clearance home decor that they are sure they can haggle down the price of.

I have a few ideas for my other website. I like the idea of a green website, with contributions from various friends. It would include home improvement ideas, book reviews, product reviews, recycling & reusing ideas, etc. I would hardly want a “tree-hugger” site, but I think it would be nice to share thoughts about how to live a little bit more green.

I also like the idea of just a book review site. It might not be groundbreaking, but would be a fun way to pool thought on various types of books.

Whatever I do with it, I would like to have a number of contributors, from several different places.Continue Reading

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I feel like a little kid who threw a fit last night. Honestly, that wasn’t my intention. I was frustrated, angry, and sad. I couldn’t shake it and felt like I was about to cry in the living room. That would have been embarrassing since Jeff was over and he and David (well… and I) were watching a movie. I got up and went down stairs and didn’t return. I don’t really know what happened either. Or I do. I ended up turning up some music too loud so the world would melt away. When I had calmed myself sufficiently, I went to bed. I didn’t hear from David, but I can see how it would look for him. I doubt he noticed all that much actually. Being alone is suddenly hard, despite my 28 years of experience. Having other people flaunt their happiness in front of me is frustrating.

This morning I feel fine. No lingering resentment. I think I must have just been too tired to deal with things. And I felt like I was intruding on their evening, even though I had been invited to be there with them to watch the movie.

I don’t really know what all of this means… if anything at all.

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I am fairly okay with having very little. I’ve never equated money with happiness… most of the time anyway. But money not equaling happiness has not kept a lack of money from equaling unhappiness. It’s true. I have recently found myself very poor indeed — learning the same lessons I learned five years ago. The difference is that I didn’t need to learn them again. I already knew that the systems in place keep the poor from overcoming their poverty. I am fully aware that the more money you have, the easier it is to get money. This is the American economic system at work. What I didn’t bank on was my own personal will driving me into a state that is increasingly difficult to rise above.

I moved to Alaska with fairly small dreams actually. I didn’t want to do anything grand — I just wanted to be here in this place. It really does make me happy. But not having big dreams, I have had to rely on the small pay of the retail world to get by. That can be difficult, but I had family to give me a roof over my head when I needed it. That situation ended and I am staying with a friend, but have to figure out how to live again soon. I had quit my full time job and was relying on part time to get me by. This week, I start my full time position at Michaels. I need it. Since David was promoted, I am being required to move by Christmas or risk losing my new position and being sent to the old store… and I know David wants his space. It was very generous of him to take me in.

But how can I do that reasonably? I have tossed around the idea/plan of getting a place with Heather & Jake. I don’t know if that is a great idea, given what different places in our lives we are all in, but it is a financially responsible way of going about things. The requirements are vastly different though. I like a neighborhood that is alive and colorful, rather than a quiet community of strangers. How can we all be happy together? My other option is to apply for low income housing at one of the apartment complexes in town. It is a relatively private place, but has a lot of character in its own right. I am not too proud to seek that kind of assistance, but then I would feel like I am betraying my good friends who are looking for somewhere new to live.

I am tired all the time. I think the things going on recently have affected me more than I was ready to admit. I need a second job, but don’t want to give up so much of my freedom. I probably will have little choice in the end. I can’t just not look for a job. It is vital that I do so I can have the necessary money to get a new apartment.

The gym. The whole idea is so daunting now. I love my gym time, but haven’t gone is so long because of various circumstances. I want to start over, go frequently, and push myself harder. I felt better and happier when I was going 6 days a week. I am over being fat. I hate going to buy pants and being limited to certain stores because so many don’t make the right size. And even those that have the correct waist are insultingly large in the leg, making me seem much larger than I actually am. And finding the right length is hard too. I have similar issues with shirts. I am just over being in this body because I feel like a different person inside. I’d like to take time to uncover that person.Continue Reading