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2004:
It is nearly over. I have survived, but I feel like just barely. The past couple of weeks have been so stressful and exhausting. I feel like I haven’t had any time to myself. Because I haven’t. I blog when I am alone and off work. It is my release, my sanctuary. But there has been none. It is done. Christmas behind us, we will be settling back into the day to day routine soon. I look forward to that time. It is funny how the times I so enjoyed as a child are the very ones that stress me out and I hate as an adult.

Belated:
I really must wish a happy birthday to a few people. I missed the actual days, and I am sorry for that. Conner and Nick both had birthdays on the 20th, Sandra on the 22nd, Jesus on the 25th… hmm. I know there were some others. I can’t think what they were. Hmm.

Now that things have settled and the “holidays” are over, I will write more this week.

Featured Image Art: photo by Christian Escobar (via Unsplash)

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Man, I feel like a woman… no, no wait… I don’t either…
So, as you may guess from that bit of stupidity, I went ahead and got the Shania Twain Greatest Hits CD. I absolutely love it!!! Am I worried about the money that will now not be available for bills… no. Should I be? Probably. I also got the Britney Spears album. I like both of them, but had never actually purchased a CD from either of them. Me=nerd.

Xanga:
I like the new feature on Xanga I think… kinda juvenile and hook-upy, but the format is nice. I would like to see some things updated though. I would like to be able to join more blogrings as a premium member. I would also like to phone in posts like livejournal users. I think that is great, especially when you have no access to a computer, but have something to say and don’t want to lose it. Mine would end up being pathetic, but that would have to be okay.

Fun & Games:
Tuesday evening was fun. I went over to Lori’s and played Settlers with her and Jess. Always a little bitter, never too boring, usually a great time. It was nice. It had been so long since we played. Hopefully we can play Magic sometime soon. I really am more interested in doing that. We also played Yatzee. I was first loser in that game.

All this game playing was brought to you by Lori’s new dining room set, which is awesome. I absolutely love it. It is inbetween regular height and bar height, which just makes me feel like a kid. It is a gorgeous deep red wood that just looks like Lori. It is also the perfect size for any board game. Excellent purchase.

Speaking of games and fun, I really want to host a party soon. I had offered to have a New Year’s party, forgetting that Lori always has the New Year’s party, just like John always had the Halloween party. I might just do a game night, but if I must I could always have a Christmas party. I just fear that everyone will be partied out.

Parents:
After planning to visit, I found out that my parents will be out of town the entire time I am off. I am going over on Saturday night while my mom packs between her trips and I’ll stay through Sunday. My dad will be there Sunday… It is weird because they are always home. And my mom offered to take me with her to Nebraska, but I have to be back to work before she gets back. Oh well… Maybe I can visit Brad & Jess Sunday too. (I really just want to see the nephews, but I will pretend to want to see my brother and his wife… )

Sorry about those horrid buttons. I never really saw them. I have replaced them. I hope the images are better.

Featured Image Art: Settlers of Catan board game

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Top 10 Contemporary Books:
1. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower : Stephen Chbosky
2. Dandelion Wine : Ray Bradbury
3. Dream Boy : Jim Grimsley
4. The Foreigner : Meg Castaldo
5. Fraud : David Rakoff
6. Double Trouble : Barthe DeClements & Christopher Greimes (Children’s Book)
7. Me Talk Pretty One Day : David Sedaris
8. Where The Heart Is : Billie Letts
9. Pure Sunshine : Brian James (Teen Book)
10. This Present Darkness : Frank E Peretti

Featured Image Art: covers of Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury

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Family:
This year was supposed to be better. What happened? My other grandma passed away in March and my mother revealed a drinking problem (you may remember my worry about her — she was drunk those times). All in all, it’s been sucky so far this year.

Work:
I was promoted to Music Dep’t Manager @ work. I like it, but I have been a little stressed.

Computers:
I again have an ISP, so I can write here more.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian Fuchs & Christine Tucker, taken at the engagement party for Brent & Laurisa, Yost Lake, OK, 2000.

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Family:

I saw a movie with my uncle, which was fun. I rarely see him and I really enjoy him. We saw Riding In Cars With Boys — I liked it. We also went to IHOP, where I had my dinner. He is going to see about selling his condo to me! I hope it works out. I am excited.

My mom’s birthday was on the 18th and I was over the night before to see her. i worry about her. She is ALWAYS sick… she was so sick on her birthday that my dad wouldn’t let me talk to her. Oh well. I want her to go see a doctor. Not that I am any better — I am always sick and was starting to think I may be a hypochondriac for a while… probably not. I’d like to visit home one of these times without mom being sick.

Work:

I have been depressed for a while — my review actually was worse than I had imagined and I did not get my raise… That is why it got postponed so much. My dep’t mgr didn’t want to tell me that I did poorly. Really I know I earned my raise, but I decided to not let it get to me. It’s just $15 extra bucks I would blow anyway. And I think it can be reevaluated in a few months. Nothing to stress too much over. I also decided not to make excuses about it, although no such agreement was made for Xanga. I feel that I may have not done my best in the past year, but I really had a hard year. Starting with Oct 2000: my good friend, Justin (for whom I am a caretaker in many ways), is in and out of mental hospitals following the death of his grandma, who is more like his mother to him, my grandma (“G”) starts to get very sick, severe pains send me to doctor, who does several tests and finds NOTHING wrong, my great grandma (Artie) dies, exactly one week later, G dies, Justin continues in and out of hospitals (not giving me a chance to mourn), I become severley depressed, my dad’s sister and family cut off contact with us because of my dad’s decision to give a fewe pieces of furniture to me and my brothers (being the executor of her estate and having spent 6 months watching her die, he feels justified), Justin moves in, Justin’s great grandma dies, Brad proposes to Janessa, which I cannot tell, my roommates prepare to move after a guy staying with us for a week takes off with their $70, I prepare for Brad & Jess to move in, Jess is now pregnant, Brad & Jess get married, Brad gets a promotion and decides to not move, forcing me to move, my roommates reveal that they are moving because I am impossible to live with, Justin and I move into a small apartment,… and here I am. Never in my life has so much happened in one year.

So at work they moved me to the gift section in an effort to spark interest, not realizing that the deep depression prevents interest of any kind in anything. Oh well… I am excited about the new section though. And I have a new dep’t mgr… May. She is awesome. And I can go back to liking Tim.

Featured Image Art: still from Riding In Cars with Boys (2001)

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Writing:
Whew, pathetic.org is finally up again, and what a relief that I can finally start to write. It was always a good way to get me writing. I should start here soon. I have so much in my head to get out, what with the attacks, the new baby on the way, my great grandma is now 100! Lots…

Friends:
I talked to my friend Jerry tonight. It had been a couple of months. I feel bad that I don’t call, but he is a difficult person to remain friends with because he doesn’t really try. His friends don’t stick by him long… that makes me quite sad for Jerry. He will find real love some day.

Featured Image Art: photo by Patrick Tomasso (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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Money:
I have got to learn how to stop spending — and I thought putting all my money into the bank would help!!!! NO! I can’t figure out how I spend all of my money when my expenses are so low. How? Anyone have good advice for getting out from under paycheck-to-paycheck living?

Family:
I am starting to get excited about my brother’s new baby… I can’t wait. They are expecting a Thanksgiving baby… That would be a cool holiday treat.

Featured Image Art: photo by Pawel Czerwinski (via Unsplash) (altered)

originally posted on Xanga

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Sleep:
I fully intended to watch Friends last night, but as I have been unable to sleep at all for a couple of days my body decided to sleep instead… dang it!!! I wanted to see it so bad. I don’t know why I have sleep problems, but I imagine it was stress.

Life:
I have been giving thought to moving back to Stillwater, but I really do like it here in Tulsa. I can’t stand the thought of leaving my friends or job, but I am so sick for the life I used to have that I somehow think going back home would help. Maybe I will, but probably not.

Work:
My review wasn’t yesterday, which means it IS today — egad. I am not that worried about it. My manager is a nice guy. We get along well, so it will be fine. I just hate meeting like that though…

Update:
My review wasn’t today, as planned. My manager said he’ll come in tomorrow (his day off) to do it… Whew… avoided it for another day!! Meanwhile, it has turned cold — I love it!!!! My uncle came to visit me at work. He is so great. It’s been a wonderful day!!

Featured Image Art: photo by Dustin Humes (via Unsplash)

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Frustration:

My life has been filled with so much stress lately… I just need a break for it. I woke up this morning ten minutes after I was supposed to be at work, which set the mood for the entire day. I love my job normally, but it just seems that they expect me to not only do my job — and do it well — but also the job of three other people. Not that I mind a little push once in a while from management, as I am a person who requires an occasional shove in the right direction, particularly while out of medication, but they don’t seem to take into account that we are currently running on 2 supervisors instead of our suggested 8. They must figure that we’ve done it for so long we should be used to it, but I think it is catching up with me. I feel as though I cannot take vacation or sick days — when I should go to the doctor! I feel an unneccessary obligation to show up and work extra hours, which I cannot be clocked in for, as we are not allowed even fifteen minutes of overtime. And I have been making it worse for the other supervisor, who says she understands, but I know she is cursing my name while I am not there.

Foolishly, I tink I can escape the pressure by coming home! Instead I come home to Mr. Mood, my roommate, who really I care for deeply — he is a good friend. But as a schizophrenic and socialphobic person, I cannot tell what is in store at home, but I know it will be stressful. I just don’t know what to do… and I can’t get Calgon to take it away, as there is just a single bathroom that invariably smells of kitty litter and dirty clothes. And I would hang out in my room if my roommate didn’t require constant attention and follow me in (and if the shootings didn’t distract me!!). I realize deep down that this is just a storm I need to ride out… nothing permanent and it WILL get better, as soon as the managers hire some people.

Self:

I need to get myself motivated to use the gym I am paying for. I feel much better (and it is a better investment) if I go. I have been flattered by the comments that I am getting smaller — I hope it isn’t just flattery.

Family:

I miss G.

Featured Image Art: Vincent van Gogh, “Irises”

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Future:
I have been thinking about my future lately. I have not been in school for a while and I feel so far behind where I should be. Besides that, I haven’t got a clue what I want to be when I grow up. I am 22 now, I thought I would have that figured out by now… why not?!?! I’ve always thought I would go into some English related field, but I have found lately a love of Interior Design… why not do that? I do love writing, but what kind of non-journalism career can I look at in writing? I feel like I am 17, but I am not and the clock is running….

JD:
My friend JD will be 22 on the 6th. I wish him much happiness. I miss my friends so much — I am finding that true friends are hard to come by in the adult world, and more and more all I want to do is be back in high school. Happy birthday JD.

Featured Image Art: photo by Eberhard Grossgastei (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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Life:
I am finding that I am not as strong as I always thought I was. My entire world has been crushed and I am now in the process of rebuiling it. I am forcing myself to redefine some things in my life — who I am, what I am doing in this life, and what exactly it is I want to do. It is all difficult and I will later elaborate. Life, for the first time in a long time, is quite intimidating.

Family:
My brother married his seventeen year old pregnant girlfriend this summer — I am not sure what to make of it. I have decided not to judge; they did’t judge me when I came out, and I should treat them the same way. I think it has caused some additional confusion in my mother’s head. She is having to deal with the meltdown of her nuclear family. I feel sad for her… I can’t relate to the turmoil she is going through.

Featured Image Art: photo by Jasbir Virdi (via Unsplash)

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Family:
I am worried about my mother lately. My dad called and asked if I could come over tomorrow because he doesn’t want her to be alone, but I can’t and I feel bad about it. I am trying hard to understand empty nest syndrome — I just can’t get it. She is depressed because we had to leave — that I understand. What I don’t get is how it has driven her mad. Not totally, mind you, but a little at least. I hope she’ll get better in time. I do love her so much. I have dreams — horrible, awful dreams — of her dying or leaving. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t. I love her too much.

Work:
I like work I really do — I got sorta bitched at by my manager. I have a good rapport with him, but he does have to yell when I am flaky. What I find hardest about him doing this is he is what I want to be. He has everything I don’t and I think he is beautiful. I am trying… really… because he asked me to. It’ll be good. I hate how often I think of him. I’m not obsessed with him. I am more obsessed with him as a concept — as something I aspire to be. I just don’t know how to get there and I am at the point of asking him, as embarassing as it would be. Maybe he will be appropriately flattered and I won’t have to worry about him judging me. Maybe I won’t tell him… We’ll see.

Me:
I am so thrilled to be in something where people are active in responding to others. Thanks for that.

Featured Image Art: photo by Laura Ockel (via Unsplash)

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Religion:
How is it that my parents could have raised me and I still got a completely different perception of what religion should be. I am a Christian, although I am often embarrassed to say so. I am. I believe that Jesus is God’s Son who came here and died for my forgiveness, but I do not believe in the angry God who punishes us, as my parents seem to sometimes. My God is my friend — He is someone I can talk to and who loves me for me, regardless of who that is. My parents have put conditions of their acceptance of me. They will come around (that is what I tell myself). It just doesn’t make sense that not only did my idea of God come out to be different, but my brothers’ views vary from my own as well as from my parents’. Interesting.

Gender:
I use the genderless He in reference to the Lord. I believe God is above gender and do not refer to him as male. The common He in reference is just easier than using God or the Lord every time. I believe it is ignorant and arrogant to assume we know anything about God, including gender.

Boys:
I am so lonely lately. Somehow I can not do without a boyfriend now, even though I have gone 21 years without. You would think that I would be used to not having one. It doesn’t work that way though. Every time I see Jude Law, Toby Maguire, or Joseph Fiennes I get depressed. It is hard to meet guys here. All the guys here just want to have sex, and what is wrong with the rest of it — those other parts of a relationship. I like to think I would be the type to not sleep around and keep a boyfriend for life. Maybe I am just kidding myself though. Maybe I am the slut. Maybe I should just go out and sleep with every guy I meet… I bet that wouldn’t solve anything. It would only make me more lonely. I will just have to wait…

Featured Image Art: photo by Aaron Burden (via Unsplash)

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Sleep:
I can’t sleep and soon it will be light out. I hate days like this (or nights rather). I fell asleep at 7:00 or so, and woke up at 11:00. Now I can’t sleep. I know I will now be tired exactly when I don’t want to be. And the cats want me to hold them, but I don’t really want to. They can play with each other…

Religion:
I found out today that a girl I work with is a Buddhist. That isn’t a problem, but I have never known a Buddhist (not well anyway). I think it will prove to be interesting. Hopefully she will be open enough to share with me. She seems to be the type.

Writing:
I need to discipline myself better and write. I haven’t done any since January. I was in mourning then so it was easier. I guess I am just too happy right now. And it is true — I have been extremely happy lately, despite the fact that nothing is going right

Featured Image Art: photo by Niranjan (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga