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Refreshed, Reset, Ready to Go

I’m feeling good today, is spite of the unexpected expenses.  Life happens and there’s not a lot that can be done about it!  The plumber came a day early & they are bringing a new hot water tank tomorrow morning.  There’s a relief to that, especially since I have a home warranty for the first year.  This little hiccup was expensive, and left me with no flooring in two rooms, but that’s okay.  There are bigger problems in the world.  

My knee continues to hurt a little.  I should be wearing a brace until it feels normal again, but I have no clue where mine is.  I hate to just buy another one, but I think that’s where we are!  

Probably because my knee was hurting, but I found it disappointing that to downtown and back is about a quarter mile short of three miles.  That means I have to add tangents to make up for it, so I probably need to do that going.  After the second mile, all I want to do is get home.  I think when I get to the point where I can do two miles to downtown and then stop for shopping or coffee or whatever before returning, things will feel less daunting on the walk back.  Or maybe when the knee is not hurting.  Otherwise, my breathing is good.  My pace could be better, but I feel good on the walk.  It’s a nicer walk  overall than rural Glencoe was.  I do have things I love about those rural walks, but I think this one is just slightly better.  There’s greater opportunity for variation certainly.  One thing I might try is just going until I reach 1.5 miles and see where that is.  That would at least give me a walk I could do that would guarantee I meet my 3 mile goal.

Photo of the Day (Fievel Goes West playing in downtown Guthrie, OK on 30 September 2025)

[Walk #342, 3.13 miles]

  • Location of Walk: home to downtown, Guthrie, OK
  • Object Collected: cypress cones

Playlist

1. Mean to Me, Eliza Cathy & Ben Seal
2. Night of the Creeps, Lofi Munk Music (feat. Slaapzac)
3. Barbaras Rhubarberbar, Bobo Wartke & Marti Fischer
4. Her, Megan Thee Stallion
5. I Just Wanna F-, David Guetta (feat. Timbaland & Dev)
6. Georgy Porgy, Toto
7. Purple Rain, Prince & The Revolution
8. Where U Iz / Feels (mixed by Fatboy Slim), Jinadu, Just Aaron, Wh0, & Fatboy Slim
9. Too Good, Able Heart
10. Daddy, Cazwell (feat. MASCFISH, John “J-C” Carr, Bill Coleman & 808 Beach)
11. Bélmez faces, Lofi Munk Music (feat. Gelch)
12. How Do You Sleep?, Sam Smith
13. Can’t Get You Out of My Head, Kylie Minogue
14. Our Savage Friends, Eliza Carthy & Ben Seal
15. Heart Sing, Sophie Ellis-Bextor
16. Carnival of Souls, Lofi Munk Music (feat. Ray D.O.)
17. Sit And Wonder, Save Mason & Cass Elliot
18. Teeth, Lady Gaga
19. Stupid, Brendan Maclean
20. City People, Matt McKnzi
21. These Dreams, Bright Light Bright Light (feat. The Illustrious Blacks)
22. Stay On Me, Sophie Ellis-Bextor
23. Spirits Unknown, Lofi Munk Music (feat. RT3 Beats)

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Moist Hallways

What a stupid day already!

My knee was still hurting a little when I got up, so I thought I should try splitting my walk into 2 shorter walks.  So, I waited a while & just sort of watched TV and dozed off for a bit.  At 9:45, I started to get ready for a 2 mile walk when I noticed an issue with the floor in the hallway.  It sounded like it was coming up, but as I investigated it started to sound like sloshing.  I could see a little moisture on the baseboard on the wall adjacent to the water tank.  I went it an checked there.  The pan is full of water and it is overflowing slowly.  Because I had things stacked down there, I don’t know for how long.  There doesn’t seem to be a ton of water soaked into anything, but it could also be draining more under the house.  Hopefully the plumber can figure out what is going on.  I put a service request in with my insurance, but they cannot come until Thursday, so I called someone else who is on the way right now.  If it is a big issue, I’ll keep it through my home warranty.  I am not happy with the contracted plumber though; they had terrible customer service, so I’m actually hoping this is an issue that isn’t too much different cost-wise.  I’d happily pay a couple hundred this week just to keep from dealing with those people again.  But if the quote is a lot higher, then I’ll have to just wait for them to come out.  This is the third time I’ve had a person out to deal with this water tank.  

I was just about half a mile into my walk when the plumber called to say he was on the way, so I only got in a single mile so far.  It was a nice day for that; the neighborhood was surprisingly busy for a Tuesday morning.  I didn’t even do my usual walk in the park, I meandered through the neighborhood.  My goal was 5th Street, which goes under the highway into downtown, but I’ll get to doing that walk next time maybe.  Now, I get to just wait around and hope there aren’t big things wrong.  And I wish I knew how to shut that water off!  

[Walk #340, 1.19 miles]

  • Location of Walk: neighborhood around my house, Guthrie, OK
  • Object Collected: USB cable (broken)

Playlist

1. You, Regard, Troye Sivan & Tate McRae
2. Born for This, Kali J & LiTTiE
3. Cold Sweat, Hot Boys, Bright Light Bright Light
4. The Valley of The Pagans, Gorillaz (feat. Beck)
5. Cha Cha Cha, Käärijä
6. Well Hello, Kali J
7. Missing You, John Waite
8. The Night Driver (Chasing Big City Night, The Goondock Saints
9. Come Into My World, Kylie Minogue

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Waiting

I spent all day waiting for the guy to arrive to fix the dishwasher.  He never showed up, but he did call a little after 6 p.m. to say he was an hour and a half away.  I asked him to reschedule me for tomorrow.  I hadn’t gone for a walk all day because I was expecting him any moment, but I did do some jogging in place cardio at home.  It is just not the same.  I’ve been doing that sort of thing all summer, and I have not seen the results that a daily walk can give.  I think it’s just too easy to be lazy and only do just enough.  With a walk, it is so much more often that you reach the exercise goal, but still need to get back home, so you get the extra in naturally.  At home, the notification goes off and I immediately stop.  I could up my goal, but I’ve struggled to even reach it recently.  Walking is just better.  Joining a gym might work as well.  While it would give me the option of just stopping at my goal, having to drive to the location might give me the motivation to do a higher goal that isn’t specifically in my watch, maybe an hour.  I haven’t decided.  The cheapest gym in town is $40 per month, at least that I have found.  Stillwater had multiple $10-15 options, so it seems like a big ask to spend so much.

I asked for a call tomorrow when they are on the way to my house, so I shouldn’t have the same excuse.  I can go on my walk and just be on notice to return to the house when they are on the way.

[no walk]

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I’ve been thinkinHomeg about the concept of ‘home’ for a while now.  What is it that give our spaces that feeling that makes us feel good being there.  It isn’t uncommon for an apartment to feel distinctly not homey, particularly ones first apartment after leaving the house where parents and siblings still reside.  It makes tempting the idea that it is the people that make for a feeling of ‘home.’  But it seems equally common for an apartment to feel like the place where that person will spend the rest of their life.  And that happens to folks who live alone.  So, is it the people at all?

I love being with my family.  There was always something about returning for a visit to my childhood home that had a fantastic mix of nostalgia, comfort, and distance.  In 2005, I moved far enough away that visiting required planning and money; my visits to my hometown were reduced to about once every two years.  By my first visit, my parents had sold my childhood home and moved to the country into a brand new manufactured home while they planned out their dream home.  There was no way, I thought, to feel at home in a mobile home sat in the trees just outside of town.

I was wrong.  While it wasn’t the same, the feeling was.  I was in a house that had only even existed for about a year, but it was filled with familiar furniture and my parents.  For me, that ruled out the structure and the location.  What seemed to be at play was the combination of the people, the memories I carried with me, and the stuff in the house.  Had my parents simultaneously discovered their mutual love for Victorian furnishings, throwing out the carefully cultivated collection of things in the house, I think the space would have felt as cold as I expected it to.  These objects brought with them the stories that define us as a family.

“I always want objects in my home that have a connection to me or something I’ve loved.  It’s still stuff, but it’s stuff that has meaning.” Nate Berkus makes a great point, and one I’d like to explore in depth for myself.  When I had one of those cold apartments, just out of high school, it was filled with items I can barely remember, mass produced and cheap things.  The only items I even clearly recall are items that had a story, even if the item wasn’t old.  The dresser my dad painted for me for my new place, the sofa he reupholstered, and that is about it.  It would take me years to collect items of meaning, to be given things once belonging to grandparents and parents, and to have the maturity to honor those things and treat them with the respect they had earned.

Six months ago, I moved into the mobile home where my parents spent years hoping to build their dream home.  They settled into their new house over the summer, leaving vacant a space that had surprised me, on a land that is peaceful and beautiful.  I’m honored to live here in this space that has become a part of the story, where my nephews spent so much of their childhood, where birthdays were celebrated, where holidays with family were enjoyed, and where my parents lived and loved and convalesced.

Many of the stories are lost; it had been incumbent on me to ask the necessary questions and carry on the mythologies and lessons of my family, but I have failed to do so.  But I’d still like to explore what meanings these artifacts have for my life, for the lives of my family members, to recall the world in which they came to us and present them to the world.

This is the first entry in a series about my things.

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August is more than halfway over. Here in Anchorage summer has already conceded defeat to this in-between drippy season that is a sort of pre-autumn. I love it, as I do most weather. My mom is like that too — perhaps it is from her that I’ve taken this attitude. It doesn’t matter what is going on outside; everything has its own merits and it is all worthy of awe. Mind you, I’m overjoyed that I no longer experience the many many months of humidly hot days that are Oklahoma summers. But even a few days of that should be taken in every once in a while.

My semi-subterranean home has once again become a refugee camp for anything small enough to find a way in and away from the cooling temperatures and the wet. I don’t mind sharing my home with these tiny animals. Mosquitoes are not welcome, and I’m afraid are dealt with harshly. Flies are relentlessly shooed and may also be dealt with if they don’t take my hints that they’ve overstayed their welcome (which is quite short anyway). Beyond that, I don’t give trouble to anything that gives me none.

I was chasing flies around the bathroom, swatting them in the general direction of the open window, hoping they’d move along, when I noticed that this year has not brought a single insect in so much as pairs. It is as if the insect & spider community is sending delegates and are only individually represented. For days there has been a seemingly dumbfounded ant scooting his too big body in and out of the spaces just under the cabinets, always at times that are inconvenient for me to capture and release him outside. As far back as I can remember into my childhood, I’ve wondered about these individuals, about the lives they’ve lead until now. I was initially worried that this was a queen looking for a spot to start a new colony (oh, please! not my little bathroom!), but I think it is just a wayward member of a colony from the flower bed just beyond my porch.

Chances are very great that any ant won’t live long anyway. My house is host to a variety of harvesters and spiders all ready to prey on the other refugees. Spiders are amazing. Even at the times I believe my home is free of all crawly things, I’ll see one appear from nowhere and scuttle off to an again unknown place. This is again one of those instances when the ‘live and let live’ rule applies for me. In my book spiders are good. In a basement environment, the lack of more insects is likely thanks to the arachnid guardians who have set up snares at the entrances. I thank them.

All of this makes it sound as if my home is crawling with critters. Just the thought of that gives me chills. It isn’t like that. Anything that dares leave the sanctuaries of the laundry room or bathroom quickly becomes a brief plaything for the kitties, and then a light snack. Even in those relatively safe places, the insects and spiders have to be fairly clever at hiding. Bothering me definitely includes making yourself too well known. If a garden beetles plops himself in the middle of the bathroom floor, he’ll be excused onto the porch where sadly I’ll leave him to his fate.

But really, I like knowing that the world is alive around me. While it makes me feel increasingly small, it also makes me feel more connected to the world somehow. And allowing benign ecosystems to form in darkest corners of my basement apartment makes me feel a little bit benevolent.

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I am not the person I was when this year began. My life has shifted in different ways, ultimately resulting in this transformed Brian that exists today. I really like being the new Brian, even if the old one is missed from time to time.

{david eugene & the demise of cloves}

I started hanging out with David last December. I had met him when he worked in the cafe at Borders over the summer and was instantly a fan. When he mysteriously left the store, I became obsessed with what turned out to be the memory of someone I didn’t even know well. In an act of silly desperation, I confessed my love for him. My confession was ignored and all future attempts to discuss it have been rejected. That was a great blessing; over the past year I have had one of the best friendships with David. He is often crazy, sometimes reclusive, but always there when I need him. When I was about to find myself homeless in September, it was David who immediately offered a place to stay. When I needed to get a new place of my own, it was David who hooked me up with a great deal on an apartment. When David decided to quit smoking a year ago, I also gave it up in support of his decision. He is still quitting. 2007 is defined mostly as the year of David to me.

{heather, the gay monkey, the rock star, and the world}

Oh, Heather. 2007 has not seemed like her year, but maybe it really has been. Heather’s boyfriend moved back to town halfway through the year. Previously, he had been in town 10 days per month. I think they both felt that they wanted that to happen; however, as their lives had progressed over time, neither knew what to do with one another being around so often. What seemed like a sudden burst of elation quickly fizzled and the two parted. It was a really sad time, as I liked both of them as individuals. But this is not a story with a sad ending. This freed Heather to pursue another option, the greatly more suitable John. Those two make so much more sense than I could have imagined. I miss my Heather, but I’m glad she is happy now. Heather also got a new place to live out of the break-up — well, okay, she was semi-forced to move.

Image: photo of Heather

Featured Image Art: photo by Klara Kulikova (via Unsplash)

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I live alone again. I’m trying to be okay with that and think I am coming to terms with it. David was right. This is better for both of us, but that isn’t the point. I miss him. I miss Jo-da. I miss the sounds of another person in the house. But everything will be fine.

I moved into David’s old apartment. It is a large space and suits me well. The neighborhood is a bit too quiet, but the neighbors aren’t overly inquisitive, which is nice. I hate feeling watched.

Work has been irritating. It has seemed much busier than it has been and I feel like I am constantly behind. Welcome to the holiday shopping season!

Heather got moved too. I feel bad for abandoning her and finding my own place, but she has been really nice about it. That almost makes me feel worse about it though. She has found a place to stay — with some of my favorite people in Anchorage. Things are going to work out for her.

Life feels right at the moment. I’m really trying to stay in the moment and not focus too much in either direction — past or future. Being as here as I can be is good. Being happy with myself is my only goal and I am getting there… slowly, but surely.

I really miss my family right now. The next few months will be rough without a visit. And I need to call Brandy, who came to visit me and has yet to hear from me. I have too much to do.

I haven’t found my France journal yet. I was in the middle of putting it on here and misplaced it during my move to David’s. I will try to locate that this week and resume writing about my experiences. I wanted to be done with that by the end of this year.

If anyone has any great ideas for what I could do with my other website, let me know.

Images: photos of new apartment

Featured Image Art: L Dundas, “Studies of Foxes” (1950)

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Okay, so it wasn’t a cabinet exactly. I had grown to love the duplex and the many oddities that made it special. It had started to feel like home for me. The pops and creaks the place would make as it warmed from the sun had become familiar. The troops of insects and spiders that would find a way in had started to be less of an annoyance than they once were. The sound of the water under the house — like sitting atop the beach with waves moving back and forth — was soothing. I had even grown fond of the huge fireplace, sitting awkwardly in the corner. It took up too much space and was unusable. I had decided to place foam skulls in it for Halloween and string lights in the top so they would be slightly lit up.

I think I can fall for almost anyplace. It just takes time. With the duplex, it took almost a year for me to really appreciate it. I have certainly lived in places that took less time too, but I like to settle. Part of the reason I moved to Alaska was that I was not happy with my own tendency to settle so quickly. But honestly, that is one of my favorite things to do. It shouldn’t scare me so much.

Currently, I am living in a basement. Surrounded by concrete walls and hot water tanks, I know I can’t stay too long and should fall for this unusual place. For various reasons, I must have a new place to stay by Christmas. I don’t want to think about it just now. I am trying to decide if I can live with a roommate. I tend to be more independent than most people like to deal with. But I doubt I can afford this city on my own. We’ll see. And with any luck I will be settled in to my new place by spring.

Image: photo of Molly in David’s house

Featured Image Art: photo of wall in duplex

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This is my last day in the duplex. I intend to be moved out by the end of the day today — both me and the cats. I am quite over this moving experience. It is second only to moving to Alaska for the worst of my life. It has felt rushed and cursed the entire time. Even now, many of my things sit untouched in the soon to be vacant house. It hardly seems like I have enough time to move. In truth, I had planned to continue tomorrow morning, as this is my regularly scheduled weekend off. The manager who writes the schedule, in her infinite pregnant “wisdom” decided that she would schedule me anyway. Don’t worry, I have been making her feel bad about it since I saw the schedule. I should have just told her that I cannot work. This is too important.

The cats have yet to figure out what is in store for them. They will like the new place eventually, but for now they are about to be traumatized… ripped from their home without any warning. I intend to sleep for a long time the next time I get a day off, which apparently isn’t until Thursday. I want it to be right now.

Image: photo of Franz & Molly

Featured Image Art: AI Image (created using Wonder AI)

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there is a lot of drama and a lot of packing going on right now. i am super busy. i only have until the end of the month to get my stuff packed and moved… have i mentioned that i hate packing? not only am i moving, but i will essentially be homeless, living on David’s sofa for a few months. i am looking forward to it! 🙂

i found my journal from my trip to france 11 years ago. i am considering putting it on here.. or at least parts of it. i was such a dork back then.

Featured Image Art: photo of Molly

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Basically, I’m a slob.

I have reached that point that I reach every few months — when I would rather just burn my place down and rebuild from the ashes than deal with cleaning. You’d think that I could keep up with it and not arrive at this point, but life just keeps happening. Once again, empty containers of whatevers are strewn about the living room, my boxes and out of place furniture have formed small tracks which I can use to get from room to room like some sort of small rodent, making paths in the brush.

Worst is the dishes. Without a dishwasher or motivation, the pile of dishes has become nearly unmanageable. I fear that I will find life forms within the structure that will need to be dealt with.

I don’t know how I let my house go like this. I hate that about me and hate that my cats have to live with it. I can’t have people over and have to greet friends at the door, denying them entrance. I want that to change. I have been making great strides in my life, but the next thing I want to alter about myself is my ability to keep up with my home. Only then will I be able to feel comfortable having a relationship with someone. I couldn’t bear to invite someone over as it is. And my idea of a great time spent with someone is watching movies at home…

*insert continuation of this rant here*

So, if anyone has suggestions — helpful suggestions — on how to improve this part of myself, comment with them. That said, I am going to clean a little.

25 March 2007

Featured Image Art: Sue Woodfine, painting of nasturtium

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Brrr…

Today felt warm, which bothered me. It was only 19°. It has been very cold. My fingers feel numb after running to my car & back inside most mornings and the wind has just brought more arctic air than I remember from all of last winter. The gale blows through the small spaces in my north facing door, making it nearly impossible to keep my places warm. It seems too big now, vaulted ceilings no longer holding the aethetic they did over the summer. During those warmer days, I would open up windows throughout the house and enjoy the 65° air gently moving through. Nature was welcome into my home. It has overstayed.

I purchased two space heaters — an attempt to keep the temperature up, as the floor radiators just aren’t enough. It is working out fine, but I am told that my place is still too cold and my friends don’t take their coats off, leaving after only a few minutes. They don’t want to be here. Under those conditions, neither do I. I have acclimated to this environment and rarely feel chilly anymore, but a home without visitors is depressing. I think I should like to find a new place next summer, before the mercury drops. I think I am stuck for now though. Not only do I feel an obligation to my family (my aunt & uncle own my duplex), but I promised myself last year to not move during the winter again.

Wall To Wall Sadness:

Jess leaves for Arizona on Monday. I had promised her not to blog about her, but I want the world to know that I will miss her. I will miss her opinions. I will miss her “rawr!” I will miss her NBC peacock t-shirt. I will miss her advice, even when I don’t want it. I will miss her red hair. I will miss her dancing. I will miss our secret long-nosed greeting. I will miss her bitterness. I will miss her caring. I will miss her coaxing me to do things when I don’t know I really want to do things. I will miss her advice when I really need it. I will miss her laugh. I will miss her ruminating. I will miss her concern for Heather. I will miss her point, pause, “yes.” I will miss her long skirts. I will miss her beautiful face. I will miss the way she knows how utterly important she is. Jess, I love you and will miss you.

Featured Image Art: photo of Jess

Featured Image Art: Aksel Waldemar Johannessen, “Skiläufer in verschneiter Landschaft”

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My father called a number of times yesterday. Today has been a very bittersweet mixed emotion kind of day. Good news should always come first: the condo is gone. Finally. For those who know that I have been trying to sell it for nearly a full year, will know that this comes as a great relief! The check was cut and now plane tickets can finally be purchased so I can go home for a couple of weeks. It was a great relief in theory, but I was not filled with any emotion after hearing that it was finalized. Really… nothing.

Child Services was called to my brother’s house. My brother was in the middle of installing a new toilet and the house had been left chaotic in the wake of my sister-in-law’s latest fit. It was decided, based entirely on the fact that the house was messy (not dirty or dangerous), that the kids should not live in that house. My parents were the obvious choice, having raised the two since they were born. However, the agent assigned to the case, accused my parents of having lied about the living situation several months ago. My brother and family were living with my parents, but when visited by Child Services, the house was very clean and it was assumed that there couldn’t be 6 people living in the house. Not that my parents were even interviewed or asked about anything at all. Now, this is where the problem exists. My parents, who act as both of the kids’ parents, were told they were not as fit to take care of them as the other grandmother, who has seen the kids 3 or 4 times this year.

Letter writing is in order.

Being in the system is really hard. The kids will be followed until they are 18, based entirely on a nosey neighbor and a messy house. It hurts me to know that my parents have something else to deal with. The last thing they need is more stress.

I wanted to vent about all of this to Heather, but we were ambushed by someone else. She has her own problems, and one drink too many. The evening became about her completely. I am exhausted by it. And somehow, I will miss her when she moves.

Image: vintage illustration of fox (from McGill Library via Unsplash)

Featured Image Art: Javad Alizadeh, “Ocean of Sorrow”

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Life Has Been Boring!!!
I haven’t really done much lately, with the exception of sleeping! Justin has been coming over more often, which has been nice. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to spend any time alone. It hasn’t been that bad though. But I have had a lot going on. Nothing exciting, but a lot. I would love to hear from Travis, but I haven’t in quite some time.

How Does My Garden Grow?
It doesn’t. At all. I miss that about having a house. Mowing is the part I don’t miss, but I can only get them together. Oh well. I would love to grow some veggies. I don’t really care about flower gardening, but growing food would be pretty cool.

Christmas:
Even though I don’t care much for Christmas this year, I have decided to go ahead and decorate. I don’t know what, but something fun and exciting! I want it to be uber-kitschy, but I am not sure what I want. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Featured Image Art: photo of Justin

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Things and Rumors of Things:
The crazy lady gave Lori a Longaberger basket, which is a funny story. It was a good day at work. Busy, but good. Hopefully, we can have everything in order by tomorrow (or at the very least next Monday). I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong, as my manager has been quiet around me recently, but I think she is just frantic to get the store ready for the holidays.

I made Meghan yelp several times today, which was great fun. I just love working with the people back in music lately. I guess that sounds wrong — like I enjoy tormenting the poor dears, but I think they are a lot of fun. And it helps that they are all pretty darn productive as well. Good good good.

Renee is rumored to have a blog. I will investigate momentarily, but will finish this post first.

I am interested in reading The Stupidest Angel so if you have read it let me know what you thought. Marla and Nancy both enjoyed it and I am waiting for Nancy to loan it to me. It looks really funny. I am also interested in reading the newest Push books. I can’t remember the titles at the moment. And I would like to read both Salt and Cod. I really need some money because I also want several CDs. Britney Spears, Shania Twain, & Elton John all had CDs today that I would like to get. Rufus Wainwright has one coming soon. I also want Friends Season 8 (the first one I didn’t get on the release date), A Home At The End Of The World, Shrek 2, Harry Potter 3, Rudolph, Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas, Without A Trace Season 1, and Profiler Seasons 1-4. A 4th job might cut it, but I never found a second. Oh well…

Lori and The Mysteries Surrounding Her:
My sincerest apologies to Lori, who I know felt slighted by me lately. I have been aloof, but not for any reason. I think that I just get locked into new routines easily and when I got sick and then Lori went to Houston, I got locked into just sitting around watching TV because that is all I did for those 2 weeks. If forced, I can alter what I do from day to day, but unless it is necessary, I just do the same ol’ thing. Not at all about Lori, who was the focus of my previous routine. I am much like my father…

Again, sorry. It isn’t about you, Lori. Neither is it to be considered a lack of consideration. Blah blah blah… same old story.

House:
The kitchen is clean.

I want a digital camera that works so I can post more pictures…. Sigh…

Featured Image Art: photo of Longaberger Basket Building

originally posted on Xanga