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I couldn’t get him to respond, so I don’t even know if he had a nice day.  I hope so.  He needs more nice days in his life.  He was going to Cattleman’s for dinner.  That was his plan.  After going back and forth for a long time, I actually decided to go with him.  I am also trying to get out of my own way, but since I never could reach him I still don’t know what’s going on.  

Brent came to hang out between photo shoots during the day.  It’s a stark contrast.  Brent is easy to be around.  There isn’t some deeper meaning to it; he brought some dinner with him, ate it, and then took a nap in the library for an hour before leaving.  It’s how I expect family to be.  Both him and Brad are welcome in my house in that exact way, as if they are supposed to be there.  And it is how I expect to be in there houses.  But sometimes Brad makes it awkward with guilt trips and weird tours of things he is doing.  And it all just reminds me of how Dad used his children as substitutes for friends.  Have friends as friends.  Family should be able to relax around you.

I’m just frustrated because Brad is genuinely fun to be around, but it’s hard to get to that point when everything is so dramatic.  I wish he could just calm down, then maybe it would make sense to stop by and hang out for an afternoon.  Regardless, I hope he had a pleasant day.  Happy 44th to him!

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A Chase

I’m a little sore.  My knee was slightly swollen when I woke up, so I need to make sure to not overdo things for a few days and see if that resolves itself.  I didn’t do that much of a walk yesterday, but I was active and on my feet most of the day and the two days before that I did a full three mile walk, so I’m probably just dealing with the consequences of the long break I took from my walks.  

It feels warmer today than the thermometer indicates.  That could just be me; I did wake up in the middle of the night feeling little too hot, but it was only 71º in the house.  

When I got to the park, the only other person there was a woman walking the same path as I walk.  Her pace is much better than mine, especially today, so I kept finding ways to stay out of her way so she never had to cross paths with me.  I think it’s better for others, but it also prevents people from sneaking up on me from behind.  I did get in 20 step ups as a result.  Those feel so good and get my heart really going.  I know I need to add dumbbells; I’m dreading carrying them to the park with me for my walks!  But I will.  There are a lot of things I need to get over.

It’s Brad’s birthday.  He is going for his usual birthday dinner at Cattleman’s.  He’s invited me, and I’m on the fence about it.  On the one hand, I actually do like hanging out with him and that is a good opportunity.  On the other hand, Friday evening at Cattleman’s can mean long wait times for the opportunity to sit and not have anything to eat.  Not that I mind not eating (they don’t serve anything I can have), but it can be annoying for that to be after waiting two hours to be seated.  I’m thinking about it.

Brent’s going to be over this afternoon, and after he leaves for his evening photoshoot, I think I’ll go for a second walk to try to get in my three miles.  Maybe doing it all at once is part of my problem.  Maybe it’s the total.  Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with my walking.

[Walk #336, 2.18 miles]

 

Playlist

1. Give Life Back to Music, Daft Punk
2. Totem, Zazie
3. Cold Sweat, Hot Boys, Bright Light Bright Light
4. Magic, Kylie Minogue
5. Ding, Jewels Sparkles
6. Play, Jax Jones & Years & Years
7. Come into My World, Kylie Minogue
8. Gaslight, Derik Fein
9. Easy Lover, Miley Cyrus
10. Around the World, Daft Punk
11. Cinnamon, Derik Fein
12. From the Start, Goldenfang Records
13. Any Which Way, Scissor Sisters

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My Native Valley

Lacosha! you kept passing by.
We never picked bright yellow
flowers in the fields on Spring mornings,
and we never chased rabbits
through people’s backyards on
Autumn afternoons.
I’m still looking for words,
my voice muffled by fear,
to invite you to my birthday party.

Notes

Written 15 February 2020 in Payne County, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “My Native Valley” from Scissor-tailed Flycatcher (Scissortail Press, 2020)

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Tomorrow I turn 40.  I don’t know that I’m reacting at all.  Maybe part of getting older is that these milestones mean less than they did.  That sounds right.

I’ve been thinking about the concept of legacy lately.  I recently watched a talk by an older woman who had been diagnosed with cancer and knew she would be dying soon.  She didn’t want a legacy; she was so excited to return to the Earth, to be a part of the natural world.  She talked about how beautiful that was.  That really resonated with me and I had never heard anyone talk about it like that before.  I find that I want both.

I’ve been working on my family tree for the past couple of years.  It’s fascinating to discover these people from the past, people whose existence influences my life in ways I will never understand.  They would have passed on lessons to their children, and those children to theirs, and so on.  How far back would I have to go to find the genesis of my belief in fairness, my general work ethic, and my independent spirit?  What would I find that wouldn’t be passed on?  It’s such an interesting space to live in.

I have no children.  Does that mean I will have no legacy?  I admit that it is hard to see a situation three generations from now where there are descendants of my brothers working on their own genealogy and giving much thought to their distant uncle.  But I do that for my own tree.  Some of the most interesting people I find on my own tree are those who did not have children of their own.  That is at least a little bit comforting.  And I hope they find me interesting.

That isn’t at all to write off having children of my own.  I still want that.  I’m not sure at what age it becomes a selfish pursuit, but I don’t think forty is it.  I make many excuses, but adoption is something I should really think about.

I’ll be forty tomorrow, and I’ve been talking about the loss of my youth.  I don’t actually believe that.  I think I’m trying to convince myself somehow that I have to grow up now.  Most days I feel like I’m twenty, but I have days when I feel sixty.

I thought I would be panicky, but I’m not.  I thought I would be coupled, but I’m not.  I thought I would be settled, but I’m not.  I thought I would be a lot of things.  But I am where I am.  And I’m okay with that.

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You’d have a hard time finding someone who loves rain more than I do.  It relaxes me and even the slightest drizzle will cause me to throw open my windows in the hopes that I will hear the patter of raindrops.  It’s one of the things that makes me act crazy, but something I’m not apologizing for.  I love thunderstorms, light showers, sudden downpours.

I remember when I was a kid it rained on my birthday a couple of times.  By the beginning of August in Oklahoma, things can start to look pretty bleak.  Grasses start turning brown from lack of rain, and gardens become increasingly difficult to keep alive (in my experience anyway).  It’s been months since the storms of April and May, and it really feels unbearably hot and dry.  So, on those occasions when it rained on August 5, I remember being excited to have a break from the heat.

We had a fairly hot June this year, and while I hoped for below average temperatures for the rest of the summer, I didn’t have any hope of that happening.  I have been pleasantly surprised.  It’s been very warm at times, but the blistering heat has really stayed away this year.  At the end of July, it started to rain even.  That was so nice.

And the rain just kept coming.  It’s August 19 now.  The last rain we had was yesterday.  That was the last of almost 20 days of the rain I love.  Some days it would just rain a little in the middle of the day, and other days would see a large storm come through during the night.  Ultimately, I’d take that over no rain any day.  But I’m glad to have a break from it just now.  The plants need time to dry out, get some sun, etc.  We’ve got more rain in the forecast for next week.

This week was brilliant in some ways, but very sad in others.  Opie & Laura announced they are having a baby.  It was nice to have some good news, but I am having trouble with the knowing that Mom would want to have seen these two start their family.  And they are going to be great parents.  Opie had a few issues, and ten years ago I would have been worried about him becoming a father.  He’s really proven himself to be a wonderful person, and has a fantastic future ahead of him.  I’m so proud to have people like him in my family.

Brent turned 40.  I don’t think I will handle it well when I turn 40 next year, but it isn’t because I’m afraid to be in my 40s.  It brings up so many issues.  I don’t know how Brent dealt with it, but he does usually deal with things well.  I wish we would have had a party for him, but I’ve had some trouble keeping up with things like that.

I’m looking forward to a great week.  I’m starting to think it’s okay to do things… that seems vague, but I’ll elaborate in the future.

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Happy Birthday To Me!  Today is my 39th birthday, and while it has been a mostly peaceful day, I have found myself avoiding a lot of memories and feelings that are just under the surface.  I just wasn’t in a place to deal.

I spent the first half of the day listening to episodes of the podcast Frangela: The Final Word.  TOO FUNNY!  I love these two, and have for a long time on The Stephanie Miller Show.  I don’t know why it took me so long to get into their podcast.  I’m glad I did though.  After a bit of that, I took a nice nap on the front porch, where I discovered one of the kittens had returned.  I don’t have faith in the survival of the others, but his return offered at least a glimmer of hope.  My nap was followed by going up to spend time with my dad, brother, nephew, and roommate.  Justin made vegan chicken burgers and fries and the rest of us gave Conner a hard time.  I know he was getting frustrated, but it was kinda fun anyway.

The gathering was fairly brief, a little chaotic, but okay.  I do find myself needing to manage my expectations of others in these situations.  I have a tendency to want people to put their own issues away for a few hours, and at least give the appearance that they care to spend time with me.  But they don’t.  I should know better.  I don’t mean to sound accusatory at all; they are just living their lives as normal.  It’s me who is expecting too much.

I’ve had a wonderfully productive week.  I got the shelving assembled and put in that goes along the east wall of my bedroom.  I’m putting things together slowly with it in; I don’t want it to just feel like a pile of stuff, so I’m going through things and purging a little as I go… very little.  I did identify some books on ikebana that I intend to find a new home for… if I don’t change my mind.  Those books are so thin that it will hardly make a difference in the end!  I finally put some books on the shelves in the living room as well; I’ve had three shelves empty for the past year or so, which is silly really since I had books in boxes waiting to be put out.

Justin helped me put in a row of junipers that will hopefully mature into a nice hedge to break up the front yard, and we also put in another chaste tree up at the house.  Things seem to be coming together slowly in the yards.  I need to spend some time cleaning up the flowerbeds at the house;  they are covered in weeds, need mulch, and the plants could be pruned.

Plants showed up!  I’m not sure why they were sent so early, but part of the order that was supposed to arrive in November showed up in the mail.  It isn’t a good time for planting.  I might look at how to hold them until fall; they are bare root plants.  If I can’t easily wait, I’ll need to get those in the ground or at least in planters in the next couple of days.  I’m not sure how well things will do if they are planted in August, but it does look like we will have a rather mild week and that will help.

The orange rose, which had put on very pink blooms before, has changed and the newer blooms are much more orange.  Maybe it needs to mature before the roses will be their true color, and maybe they will be pale.  Either way, I’m really liking the look of these and I’m glad I put them near the porch.  In time they will be tall enough to tie to the side of the porch and they can be enjoyed like the ‘Fourth of July’ or ‘Golden Showers’ roses are.

So this next week’s plans are all about figuring out those plants that arrived early.  I do need to mow and get started on the flowerbeds as well, but I will also spend some time uploading more blog posts.  It’s nice to be ahead of the game.  I usually stay three or four weeks ahead, but I’m only a few days ahead at the moment and need to manage things better to make sure the blog is always active.  On that note, I’m looking for feedback on what is working and what isn’t.  Leave me comments on this post or on any post you want so I know what people are thinking.

Artists Featured This Week

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The week started out very hot.  I actually lost a rose bush to the heat; it had been struggling to grow anyway, so I’m not terribly surprised.  I was still not feeling great part of the week, so it felt a little like I was getting back to life in slow motion.  I did manage to get the lawn mowed, which was more exciting than it should have been, and cut down one small tree.  Other than that, my only real efforts in my garden were pruning and deadheading.  Oh, and lamenting the loss of that rose.  I was looking forward to that one, but the heat was even stressing some of the crapemyrtles, and they can handle heat pretty well.  We had a storm come through last night and that pretty much took the worst of the heat with it.  We can enjoy a couple of cooler days now.  I have not seen most of the youngest kittens for a couple of days, which is a worry.  Sometimes they do disappear for a few, but I’m worried that they didn’t make it.  The property is so large and wooded, and the cats all spend time exploring, that I might never really know what happened unless they show back up on the porch.

Dad’s birthday was Friday and we all had dinner made by Conner, which was nice.  We also had a variety of cakes, including one failure by me and Justin.  I don’t know why it just wasn’t working, but my third attempt was good.  It actually stayed at home because it was too hot to take.  At least I know I can make a cake, even if it took me three tries!

Featured Artists this week:

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Well folks, I had high hopes for FLAMINGO WEEK.  Sadly, I was sick for much of it, and the beginning of the week involved an unexpected trip to Edmond and then a day of getting a new tire.  So, I just got a little behind what I had meant to accomplish, including blog posts I had wanted to do… this is why I try to get them done in advance.  That is fine though.  It was more a day of flamingo art than anything, and my Tumblr enjoyed a strong infusion of flamingo images for the week.

Since I’ve been under the weather, I have intentionally done nothing all week.  I have a habit of doing too much and prolonging my illnesses, and I didn’t want to do that this time.  So, I slept and drank fluids.  And sulked a little.  But the worst of it came and went quickly, and I’m really excited to get moving on a few projects I’ve been working toward.

I have some collages I have been working on, which I hope I can make more progress on soon.  I also have been working on a new series for this blog, and I certainly hope people like it.  I should have that going in the next day or two.

Dad’s birthday is Friday, and I’m not sure what exactly to do for him.  I had intended to order a gift, but failed to do that!  I’ll figure it out.  Maybe he’d like to go out to eat someplace.  I just don’t know.

I have several things to work on this week.  It was over 100º this week, so the 90º feel like a break.  I need to finish up planning for my Sunshine Garden (which I will do a post on with details soon), and continue picking up debris in the driveway.  I’m not up to the collapsed burn barrel, which is just a mess to try and clean up.  Once I get past that mess, then I am into large items to deal with.  Most of those things are now trash, but some of the things are worth saving and I need to figure out where to put those things.

 

Here are a few things that ended up on my Tumblr this week

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I do not know where this week has gone!  I got more cleanup of my yard done, but this is a lot of land here and I really need everyone pitching in to make sure things can get done.  I probably should’ve taken pictures to show my progress, but I’m feeling really positive about it.

I feel like my “Sunshine Garden,” as I’ve taken to calling it, is coming together nicely.  It’s going to be a little bit conceptual, but the plants I’ve picked out are nice.  I need to plant the junipers this week & then probably mark out the areas for trees arriving this fall.  Smaller plants will be in next Spring, but I am working toward getting that area the way I have it in my head.

Saturday was Justin’s birthday.  It was a quiet and uneventful day at his request, although he did end up mowing in the evening.  Justin is a good friend and I know everyone takes him for granted.  I’m blessed to have such a nice person in my life.  (These photos are from 2 years ago)

Avery spent part of the week out here, which was nice.  She’s so easy-natured and doesn’t get bent out of shape about things.

I’ve got so many things to get done; the yardwork seems endless, but this upcoming week is going to be pretty hot, so I’ll be only working outside until about 10 everyday.  That should give me time to work on some of the other things I’ve got going on — art and whatnot.

Art featured this week

 

I’ve continued being obsessed with gardening.  I’ve been watching a lot of several YouTube channels on gardening.  While I never see anything exactly like what I would like to do, it is so nice to see so many ideas and tips from people who have been doing this for a long time.

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Hooray for Heather! She has some of my all time favorite arms, which we were graced with daily when I worked with her selling books and coffee to people who I couldn’t stand. And Heather almost always smells pretty. Way to be awesome, little Heather.

Other stuff worth mentioning:

•My computer died. I’m using an even more ancient one. Dreadful!

•I have a tire on my car that requires air twice a day and a bank account incapable of supporting the purchase of a new tire. I’ve been cranky about it today.

•Earlier today, I had a Totino’s pizza. Say what you will about them, I still love them. They do make my house smell gross for a great many hours after though.

•I have so many ideas in my head I might just explode. If I do this over a notebook, maybe some of them will live on. I am trying to make this super collision of three different genres. I really should focus on my book.

•I was cranky with David and now I feel bad about it. Like I said, the tire. But also I’ve been really tired and my back has been hurting. I’m really not in a bad mood though.

•I miss last year. I want Daniel to be happy. I miss Daniel this week. I think it is better that I took a break from him. I think my feelings had taken a wrong turn. I don’t want to mess things up by being me about him.

•I really do enjoy drinking tea.

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Last Thursday, David Eugene turned 37. He might threaten bodily harm for revealing that, but it is not a secret. I think that is a really nice age to be. I hope I agree with that statement when I turn 37, but it seems a nice age to me at the moment. I’ve felt rather uncomfortable in my 20’s. I think I have really been waiting to age — like some sort of fruit that needs to ripen to be appreciated. My skin just has felt wrong. Don’t get me wrong now; basically, I have been content with my life, even finding moments of great pleasure in these past 8 years. It just doesn’t feel right yet. I’m sorry that David feels older than he’d like to be. For his birthday, we worked a very long day and then went to Gallo’s for a little merriment. Pictured are Sherri, me, David, & one of the Donnas. Donna’s daughter and a friend were also there. I love small crowds of interesting people. If we didn’t have to get up so early the next morning, that night could have gone on for hours.

Man, I have been so sick lately. I woke up Sunday feeling horrible. It has slowly gotten better, but I have had a sore throat, fever, headache, and I have been exhausted. I barely moved from bed for 2 days (and by bed I mean couch).

untitled (‘evil’)

Perhaps we expect too much of the dead
assuming their now saintly statuses —
dooming former loved ones to watch us

The cats are restless
stirring as they do when I need
to be lost in thought
They are minions sent to keep
me from discovering my true self
sent to distract me from revealing
the mysteries in my soul

They will fail

Is all of existence a vessel of evil?
Maybe it is just me, here, now
that needs to know that evil exists
Only this can prove the presence of good
and that life is meaningful

I want to know everything

I’m worried about my dead friends
and somehow upset that others have left me
rather than just dying
At least death cannot be my fault
It is easier than accepting
that I am not always enough

8.17.2006 / 10.10.2007

Featured Image Art: photo of Sherri, Brian, David, & Donna

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28 feels old. And it doesn’t help to realize that I am now living each of the days for the 29th time. It is not upsetting, but just interesting.

For my birthday, we went to The Moose’s Tooth for dinner. Grant, David, Jake, & Heather showed up. It was nice to be around people I care about. Craig & Heather came over to my place after dinner. I would like to spend more time with Craig. He is a lot of fun. It was a very low key day… nice. I wish David had been around a little more, but it was still nice.

Featured Image Art: Pola Dwurnik, “Blue and yellow bouquet of foxes” (2022), altered

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2004:
It is nearly over. I have survived, but I feel like just barely. The past couple of weeks have been so stressful and exhausting. I feel like I haven’t had any time to myself. Because I haven’t. I blog when I am alone and off work. It is my release, my sanctuary. But there has been none. It is done. Christmas behind us, we will be settling back into the day to day routine soon. I look forward to that time. It is funny how the times I so enjoyed as a child are the very ones that stress me out and I hate as an adult.

Belated:
I really must wish a happy birthday to a few people. I missed the actual days, and I am sorry for that. Conner and Nick both had birthdays on the 20th, Sandra on the 22nd, Jesus on the 25th… hmm. I know there were some others. I can’t think what they were. Hmm.

Now that things have settled and the “holidays” are over, I will write more this week.

Featured Image Art: photo by Christian Escobar (via Unsplash)

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My parents house = daycare
So, I am over at my parents house right now. It is currently nap time. Conner had me lie down with him and started Shrek… he has everything about that video memorized. Including the previews. It was funny to hear him repeat just the word “lightyears” from the E.T. preview. My parents got me a grill for my birthday. It is cool, but weird. Travis and I were just talking about me getting a grill. It is a table grill, which is nice since I will have to store it. I am using tonight to cook the dinner I had picked out and I really can’t wait to use it at the park… I think it will be useful and that is nice. It really was something I wouldn’t buy for myself.

Mom:
My mom has most probably been drinking today. I am not allowing it to ruin my day, but I still haven’t seen her since April. I think I may let her know that I didn’t appreciate it, but I don’t want to upset her. I shouldn’t worry about that though.

Featured Image Art: photo by Bianca Ackermann (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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Mom:
So my mom called this evening. She wanted to talk about the “gay thing.” I only told her 5 years ago… she still hasn’t figured it all out. But it was so wonderful… she wants to talk about it, understand it, and have it be a part of our lives (not just my secret). She still is uneasy with it, but she is making an effort and that is so great. I cried a lot after she called and then called Travis because it is nice to talk to old friends in these happy times (and in sad times). I am elated that she shared what she was feeling and wants to treat me like my brothers… that is all I have ever wanted. She has seriously made my year! …

Caught!:
Okay, okay… I was up into the wee hours of the morning. I just could not sleep. My entire body itches from the stupid sunburn. ITCHES! I just got some itch relief though… thank God. Now maybe I can sleep like a normal person. Thanks for worrying though… I like it when people are concerned about me!

Work:
So I spent about 75% of my time doing or thinking about work… which was pretty good for my first day back. I actually decided I like work after today. It was all just stress built up. The 25% that I was not working I was writing. I will post what I wrote when I have it finished. It needs revision. I really like retail, which is weird. I grew up thinking of it as crap work, but it can be rewarding. I am glad that opinion changed. I never like looking down on people.

Justin’s Birthday:
We went to Casa Bonita for Justin’s birthday dinner. It was good, but they no longer had cloth napkins. We were all taken aback by the bins full of rolled paper. Casa Bonita was one of the last places holding on to the cloth napkin… and it was quite nice. We ate (too much), took pictures of Justin opening gifts, and spent some time in the arcade. I love ski ball! I didn’t play anything else last night… God that is fun. We took Justin back to Patrick’s (after I borrowed a movie I had given as a gift ). It was a fun night and I can’t wait for the picture I took of Jess eating… she was not happy with me at all.

Featured Image Art: altered photo by Dustin Humes (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga