Long day!  We woke up to a very good breakfast.  We traveled away from St. Malo and went to Normandy.  In one town we ate some lunch and had a very good time.  I could do this a lot.  However, some chose to go to a discoteque late the night before and Arnaud was very stressed.  I bought some cheese.  In Normandy, we went to the American cemetery and there was quite a downpour.  Everyone and everything was wet.  It was probably better because we got a better feeling of what it might have been like in that harbor at that time.  We saw the concrete structures in the sea that were brought to fortify the artificial harbor.  We also spent about 45 minutes at the place that was bombed and the Germans were called [Omaha] Beach.  Then after that we were off to Paris!  We were going and I woke up about one hour before we arrived in the city.  We went through many miles of trees and forest and the traffic started thickening.  The trees were very numerous.  We went through several tunnels and suddenly under one tunnel, we were there!  We ate at a very decent restaurant where the waiters were amusing when they tried to speak English.  After that we went for a lovely ride on a boat through the highlights of Paris from the Seine River.  We went around both islands and passed many gorgeous buildings and statues.  When we arrived at the hotel we were pleasantly surprised by the discovery of a shower curtain and refrigerator and microwave.  It was very nice.  Each room was 350 F for 1 night – 2 people.  Paris is a wonderful city.  We are not doing anything for the night but sleep!

» 26 May 2009

This day had a lot of important parts.  First, the visit to one of the D-Day beaches was really moving.  The heavy rain made it even more somber and I wished I could have just stood there all day.  While the history lessons on large boards were fascinating, they paled to have the impact of a field of white crosses.  It was beautiful and eerie.  The rain, the cold, and the sudden sense of sadness dealt a crucial blow to my impressions of Paris.  By the time we arrived, I wasn’t really feeling well and tried for a couple days to shake it.  Unfortunately, I only had those couple of days to enjoy Paris.  Under different circumstances, my feelings of that city might be better.

» 27 June 2016

The air is thick with an uneasiness.  Change seems inevitable, but whether that will prove positive or negative remains to be seen.  I have a lot of fears about the direction politics is headed in this country, in spite of the fact that I really do believe the US is not only the greatest country to be living in right now, but has been getting better and better.  Losing sight of our improvements as a nation is easy; the media finds very little interest in something as mundane as satisfaction or happiness.  The impression is left that there exists more unrest, more dissatisfaction, more strife than actually does exist, and that feeds into those problems.  I’m by no means saying that genuine issues do not exist, nor am I saying that the issues  people face are not important.  But what I am saying is that we are not worse off than we were before.  Part of the rhetoric of the current political discourse is that we have left behind an America whose ideals were so fantastic.  We have betrayed our country and need to work to get back to a former greatness.  That sounds good, and nostalgia certainly paints the past in pretty colors, but when viewed historically, no basis for such an idyllic time exists.  Sure, we’ve had moments of resolve, challenges we have overcome, periods of great prosperity and possibility, but often these moments are tainted with the uglier sides of our human nature: discrimination, greed, corruption.  In no point in American history have we seen as much equality for all citizens as we do now, even if there is still progress to be made.  And that is we have opportunities to shine.  Progress.  We won’t be the leaders of the free world anymore if we isolate ourselves and leave our allies to figure things out for themselves.

In 1776, France provided aid to the American colonies, likely allowing for the defeat of the British in the American Revolution.  On June 6, 1944 America was able to repay that debt and helped defeat the Germans who were occupying France at the time.  They were our first ally, and remain one to this day.  But that relationship was not formed and strengthened through isolationism.  How different would the world be now if the United States had decided that saving France was not its problem?  How different would the world be now if France had decided that saving the American Colonies was not its problem?  Foreign relations is not about maintaining friendships at arms length.  It never has been.  A large number of Americans have been steered into that way of thinking.  The media coverage and the conservative message have so blown up the problems that exist with “the other” that I think it is difficult to remember how connected we all are on this planet.

Visiting Omaha beach was moving, it still is twenty years later.  It is a reminder of our global responsibility.  Having a strong and proud national identity need not cost us our allies.

0607 Mont St Michel7 is my lucky number!  It was a wonderful day.  Breakfast wasn’t all that great, but we soon travelled to Mont St Michel.  Mont St Michel is a beautiful abbey on a rock in the English Channel, just off the the coast of France.  The tide changes so much that it is possible to walk out to another island a half mile out and within the next hour be trapped for 4-5 hours!  We visited all the important places and there was a lot of climbing to do.  However, it was worth it.  On the way down we ate lunch and shopped.  I bought 2 berets at 60f each.  When we got back to the city of St Malo, we shopped for about 3-4 1/2 hours.  I ended up with one deck of poker cards, 1 deck of tarot cards, 2 smurfs, 1 tin-tin, 4 berets, and a word search book.

» 1 September 2007

This is what happens when you take children to somewhere so great and let them spend their own money.  They buy Smurfs.  I still have my St Malo Smurfs.  I actually love them still, but I wish I had found a more meaningful trinket from there or from Mont St Michel.  How was I to know that I would not be caught dead in a beret within a year of the trip.  Several of the berets and both decks of cards were gifts.

» 20 June 2016f1001 copy

I fell in love with the abbey at first sight.  I wanted to spend many hours there.  As we walked up to the top, I felt very alone — not in a bad way, but in a wonderful way.  It was as though I was the only person who existed in the world and I was seeing this place before anyone else.  Each stone made me happy; the sides of the structure were as beautiful close up as they were far away.  There were chains that I felt compelled to take pictures of, rock sculptures that were so beautiful I was deeply changed.  At the top of the abbey sits a courtyard lined in shrubs, perfectly maintained and trimmed.  There was a space where a block was placed over one shrub.  I still don’t know why, but it did complete the perfect lines of the rest of the plants.  I wanted to lose myself on the island in the distance.  The many other tourists around melted away in what would be my favorite place on the planet.  If you have never been to Mont St Michel, it is worth going.  It has such magic to it.

f9 copyThere is something so special to me about this place even today, but it’s interesting that I don’t have words for that.  This happens to be frequently; things I hold close are often the things I find the most trouble describing.

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0606 St Malo 3A rather boring day.  First, we got up and had a gloriously good breakfast.  The beverages were watered down.  We then drove about an hour and a half through rather flat country.  Many of the towns had “troglodite houses,” houses built in the cliff using it for 3 of the 4 walls.  We then arrived at a winery in Saumur.  They made a sparkling white which was actually champagne but not from the Champagne area.  It was wonderful!  I loved it.  … I guess my wine experience wasn’t over — just for red wine!  We then rode about 6 hours to St Malo.  The most beautiful city  I have seen on our tour thus far, sail boats lined the coast and the old city was gorgeous.  We had a dinner at which we ordered a white wine — I didn’t have any.  I am quite addicted to Orangina.  A few of us left at 9:30 for an evening walk in the old city.  All the stores were closed and the city was beautiful.  We bought some ice cream.  I had passion fruit.  It was quite wonderful.  We then “strolled” back to the Hotel Mascotte (where we were staying).  It was great.

{2007 Notes}

» 30 August 2007

I don’t know what I thought was boring about that day.  I could spend the rest of my days in St Malo, which I had figured out the day we arrived.  It was one of the greatest moments of the two weeks, strolling the streets of the old city.  “Old city” refers to the original city of St Malo, encased in a stone wall.  The city has outgrown this wall and now spills out around it into a rather large place.  I have no clue why I put quotation marks around the word strolled.

The drinks we had with breakfast were all very watered down.  Already, we had seen that breakfast includes coffee, orange juice, water, & milk.  It seems odd, but the portions are all very small.  The winery was interesting.  Making wine is a rather slow and uneventful process.

If I am ever in Europe again, I would like to spend my time in St Malo — or at the very least visit again.  It was my idea of heaven.  I think that explains why I was such a nerd with my descriptions of it.  I was 16 after all.

» 7 May 2016

troglodyte-1024x682My time if France was rushed; there was so much planned for us to see in two weeks that when I look back on it, I think of it as more like a two month vacation.  I clearly remember the moments I believed would be those I carried with me for the rest of my life, and I remember trying to dwell in them slightly more in order to create the memories I knew would be so important.  In many cases I was spot on, and those events are absolute stand out moments.  But rushing in a bus through the Loire Valley, I couldn’t know how the troglodyte houses would stick with me.  I think of those homes often, enchanted by the fairy tale beauty of little cottages stuck in the sides of cliffs, sprawling communities that resemble so much other villages in France, but with almost disregard for the rock structures around them, or rather in spite of them.  I wanted to go in the houses, see the rocky interior walls, experience how these people lived.  But we were only driving through, on to bigger and more typically touristy destinations. Saint-Malo, one of the most visited towns in France by those who do not live in France, was one of these places.  One of these places we were expected to be found and so had been placed.  Don’t get me wrong, I still hold Saint-Malo in my heart as the jewel of my time in France.  It’s the place I would wrap myself in if I could, live in, revisit, talk about.  However, twenty years on it seems like I might have missed out on experiences that would have stood out even more.

1ed242324b8d4ee5520e366dde685ebfWhen I was 28, at the time of the first comments made to this journal, I had not yet figured out how to own the things that make me… me.  I had not embraced the quirks, good and bad, that had always been a part of me.  I had not yet nourished the nerd inside of me that I love so much now.  I was so much of a people pleaser that I routinely changed who I was to be the person I thought the world wanted me to be.  I’m sure I’ll read this entry in ten years and think how immature it seems as well, but I feel so proud to have come so far in my own understanding of myself.  It’s one of those lessons that cannot be taught.  I may have described the city of Saint-Malo in ways that my 28 year old self found nerdy, but I’m glad I did.  I was genuinely elated at being there and I had not learned to deny my joys at that point, not to myself anyway.  That would come later.  16771006274_e68ae8466d_b

If I knew that the only thing I would be able to do on a trip to France would be to stroll through an ancient city on a warm Spring evening and enjoy an ice cream, it would still be totally worth it.

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ChambordOkay, the day is not over but feels as if it should be.  We have had a very busy schedule.  First, we had breakfast which was wonderful.  We then got on the bus and went to Chambord.  The chateau was quite marvelous.  The top was so intriquet.  There were so many places to go and many things to see.  I enjoyed it very much and ran into Mme Dobbs and one out of her group around every corner.  I started getting the feeling that they were following me.  At the next chateau, Chenonceau, the feeling was more free but more inhabitable.  There was a gallery which was in a long hall.  It had a very airy feeling and was free.  It was a much less eventful chateau than the first.  Next, we were off to Tours where we went to the Château d’Amboise.  It was very beautiful with several stained glass windows and gargoyles.  The windows showed many feur-de-lis, which also could be found throughout the chateau.  They also had a symbol on them which nobody knew what it was.  It was like a star with rays of light beneath.  After that we went to the Hotel de L’Europe where we stayed.  The lady at the desk was surprisingly kind.  The Evian machine was not working, but she helped.  I am spending $2-$3 on cokes because I really want them.  However, most are orange flavored sodas.  Par example, Orangina, Fanta Orange, Oasis, & two other ones that I have seen.  I am running out of money from coke — I may just eat a bagel for lunch tomorrow — I brought some.  I waited 20-30 minutes for the elevator because only one person would be able to go at a time.  The balcony is a 2-2 1/2 foot wide slab of concrete on which you can stand and a rail to hold you in.  Not real exciting.  We now must go eat and go to some show thing, but first, Arnaud.  He is very cool; he reminds me of Julien Gabriel.  I am just glad we didn’t get a courier who was very strict or was a complete airhead.  We ate at a very nice restaurant.  I never thought I would order from a wine list.  I had a red wine and it was aweful.  I hate it.  It was so gross.  I’ll never drink wine again.  The light show was relaxing.  We walked by one of the chateaus in the area.

» 28 August 2007

This was an extremely busy day on the trip.  The first chateau, Chambord, had an elaborate roof of many chimneys.  It was a beautiful building.  This was the first day that I felt really alone on the trip.  The rest of the group I had come with were hanging out together on the lawn and the Idaho group had continued on to look at the chateau.  I remember passing an open door where a man was doing some sort of work in the building while listening to Aerosmith.  It made me happy.

Chenonceau was rather boring, despite being beautiful.  It sits atop the River Cher and has a very unlived-in feeling.  I had more fun hanging out with Kamal, Arnaud, and a couple of girls from Cincinatti at the bus than I did at the chateau.

0605 Chateau d'AmboiseThe Chateau d’Amboise was lovely — my favorite chateau of that day.  Its massive gargoyles hang over the town below the chateau and the windows still have much of the original color in them.  The fleur-de-lis patterns were amazing.  It was at this chateau that I purchased a fleur-de-lis charm for my cousin.  As we were leaving, Arnaud pointed out (in passing) that Leonardo da Vinci’s grave was off to the side in a chapel.  We rushed over to the monument that had seemed hidden until pointed out and took pictures of it.  It seemed unreal — in fact it still does.  Unfortunately, the chapel was not open that day and we were unable to get any closer to the tomb.

I had taken bagels from home on my trip, which somehow seems wrong.  They did serve me well in those first few days though, saving money for future days when I would certainly need to eat.  That inital wine experience was rather traumatic.  I still don’t like wine or wine-flavored things such as coq au vin.  That was a great meal though — not the food, but the company.  Everyone was having a great time that evening.  It was nice.

» 1 September 2007

Julien Gabriel was the only other French person I knew to that point in my life.  I think Arnaud was very little like him, but as another French person I was reminded of him.  Also, they are the only two French people I have known in my life and I developed a crush on both of them.  Maybe it is that they are French… probably, in fact.

» 31 March 2016

As I said before, children should be educated in finances and budgeting.  If I had learned those skills before I went to France, my experience would have been more defined by the moments and experiences, and less by the things I bought.  Rarely did I give thought to what I was buying; I just threw my money at things and took them with me.  And did I need to waste so much money on orange soda?  No.  I remember feeling like I was exploring, discovering for myself those things enjoyed by the real people of France.  And at sixteen, I clearly knew everything about everything.  I knew far too much to ask for advice from those around me, deciding instead to do a trial and error test of things.  That is really a way of exploring that might be completely antiquated now.  With a smart phone, I may have done the research myself and found which sodas or stores or whatever were locally popular.  I still wouldn’t have better understood to not spend money on things that ultimately did not add to my experience.

0605 ChenonceauI wish I had written much more in my original journal than I did.  This was a huge day, full of history and beauty.  Each chateau could have taken an entire day of our attention, but we visited three different places.  I’m struck now with how different each experience was at each of the chateaux.  My immaturity at sixteen is to be expected, if disappointing, but I have previously annotated this portion of the journal and I find my lack of real insight or knowledge fascinating eleven years after the trip.  I’m not sure what I thought a revisit should be.  It seems fairly clear that I did not want to take away too much from the original by having too many opinions.  That was a mistake.  Brian at twenty-eight was thoughtful and poetic, none of which is reflected in these notes.

The hypothetical comes up often: if you could go back in time and do something differently, what would it be?  Of course, hindsight is such a convenient lens to view ones past through.  I think I’d probably tell myself to focus more on learning about history.  I was defiant when it came to history.  I found the memorization of dates and names to be absurd, I still do somewhat, but I wish I could tell my past self how amazing historical context can be to everyday life and how that can enhance everything.  It seems like I’m overstating here, but I don’t know if I’m even going far enough.  If I had known how interesting war can be, turning abandoned French chateaux into storage for art or into a hospital ward.  Visiting these places, things seem so peaceful on a warm June morning, but there were lives lived on the grounds, in the rooms.  These places were bombed, flooded, partially destroyed in fires.  These places were alive and after centuries of activity, rest quietly in picturesque villages, visited by tourists who will never understand them.

0605 Chateau d'Amboise da VinciThere is something so familiar about Europe.  European Americans have built for themselves a cultural heritage that really starts with the American Revolution.  It’s as though there had been nothingness and in the 1770s America sprang into existence.  Sure, there are a few stories of before (Plymouth, Jamestown, Roanoke), but they seem like myths in our infant culture.  250 years is still young, and part of the story is missing.  That story is one of the things I found in Europe.  I don’t know that I learned exactly what pieces filled in the gaps, but there was definitely a feeling that this country was a cousin to my own, a much older cousin.  Finding roots I didn’t even know existed, that feeling that these were at the very least the peripheral stories of my people, was a very interesting feeling.  I’m not sure I can even clearly articulate my feelings about it.

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France Journal: June 4, 1996

f6 copyI woke up and said “yes.”  That is what happened.  The man asked if I wanted breakfast.  We saw below — far below — what looked like land.  The lady who was seated beside me and who took 15 pills at each meal told me about some things and the anouncement to turn off personal electronic devices came on.  Upon landing we were bused over & got our luggage.  Going through customs I thought I would be checked.  Luckily I wasn’t.  Going on we were met by a 20 something plaid pants guy.  It was Arnaud, our courier.  We went to an airport café and waited two and a half hours for the other groups.  During this time I got to know Amanda and Jessica, two out of the Dobbs group.  Jessica was really very nice.  When the other groups arrived we got on a bus.  We rode an hour & a half to Chartes.  There we saw the cathedral and many little shops.  The cathedral was magnificent; it had many stained glass windows displaying the many stories of Jesus in vivid colors.  [It] was glorious.  The hotel we stayed in was the Hôtel Campanile.  It was a very compact hotel/restaurant.  The dinner was simple and not that great.  I have now grown quite fond of Orangina — the only good soda in France (I think).  Sleep sounds good — the shower is interesting.  It is a sit down type — no curtain — it was very difficult to keep the water inside to use.  Very interesting experience.

» 28 August 2007

They failed to tell us — or take into account — how much time we were losing during our flight.  We arrived after a full day of travel to a rather booked afternoon of activity.  This day seemed distant even the next day.  I was not refreshed enough to fully take in what was going on.

I had actually seen Arnaud a couple times before we figured out that he was our courier.  He was wearing red plaid pants, which I found strange.  However, I was taken with how cute he was.  He was slender and tan.  His hair was very short and he had a great confidence that made him very attractive.  I was rather excited to discover that we would be spending the first week with him.

The lady on the plane (with the large number of giant green and brown pills) had a movie ending to her story.  She was met by her male friend (husband, boyfriend, whatever) as she exited the plane.  They embraced and kissed.  It had clearly not been that long since they had seen each other, but they were still very glad to be back together.  I remember thinking how nice it was that she had someone.

If you find yourself in a Parisian airport for 2+ hours, have a book with you or just take a nap.  There is very little to do.  Amanda, Jessica, & I walked along the corridors to a newsstand and back quite a few times, while the others sat at the indoor café (meant to look like an outdoor café).

I find my sudden interest in Orangina interesting.  I ended up being wrong, but I really only found one other soda that I liked, Oasis.

» 27 March 2016

Memory is an odd thing.  I often find myself thinking about the lady I sat next to on the flight from New York to France.  I suppose it I had been older and more self-confident, I might have gotten to know her better.  But that doesn’t really sound like me.  Even now, I’m not demonstratively gregarious in general.  I enjoy the company of others, but I’m not outspoken and have little need of small talk.  I’m reserved, preferring to let others approach me or initiate conversation.  It’s not always the most successful way of being a person, but it seems an unchangeable part of who I am.  On this trip to France, that wouldn’t only inhibit my knowing more about my fellow passenger, but would keep me isolated from my own group and to an extent from the other groups we joined with.  It might have been nice to have learned different ways of communicating with people prior to this point in my life.

I’ve done some reading about the concept of the “Highly Sensitive Person” recently.  I’m starting to think that my reticence has much more to do with being highly sensitive than it does with shyness or introversion.  I don’t have direct evidence to support my self-diagnosis, but it makes more sense.  I am fascinated by evolutionary psychology and the idea that we as a species have various personality types as a survival strategy for us all.  It makes me feel far less alone to know that there exist so many other people whose temperaments are like my own.  It’s hard to remember that because the people most likely to share their temperaments are those with far more demonstrative extroverts.

Don’t misunderstand me, I really like myself.  And I genuinely enjoy the company of others.  I even wish for those around me to understand me and have a desire to get to know me.  But I do not have the ability to get past my own nature or to act in a way that seems unnatural to me.  I just have to keep finding strategies that make the nature I have work for me.  It’s funny that at 36 I have to continue working on the same issues that have kept me at arms length-from others.

Chartres Cathedral is extremely interesting.  It was built at the turn of the 13th century and remains a beautiful piece of architecture with a flair that makes it seems like such an imposing building in the city of Chartres, which at the time had a fairly modest population.  I had trouble appreciating much of anything on that first day.  I found myself so distracted by the amazement I felt just being in Europe for the first time that I had trouble focusing on the details of the one place.  The excitement was overwhelming.  It might have been nice to spend that first day walking the streets of Chartres, getting to know France in a more intimate way.  When I finally get a chance to go back, my experience will be much more about being present in the beautiful towns.  At 16, a day to wrap my mind around things would have allowed me to engage sooner.

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Saturday 3 June 1996

PB130146As I sit here in the warm plane, I just think how wonderful today has been.  I woke up at 6:30 and got ready to go.  I then watched Good Morning America.  At around 8:00 we left.  We stopped by Albertson’s and then to the airport.  It was great.  I had no idea what I was doing and Ann was no better off.  I got situated and we stopped for something to eat.  For eats we found a $3.00 slice of pizza and a $2.00 “deal” of fruit and 2 beverages for $3.00.  It was okay though.  About 10 minutes after getting our food, Stan shows up with some magazines for me.  He got People and US.  After a little bit, we went to the gate, located my group and after an embarrassing underwear question from Stan we were off.  I got on the sardine can of a plane and was a little nervous but as soon as we got going my fears had subsided somewhat.  Taking off was the most exhilarating feeling.  We were off — destination: Atlanta.  I could see nothing.  I was on an aisle seat.  We stopped and got off.  We had no idea how far we had to go but we caught a subway type vehicle which took us to where we wanted to go.  We got on; the plane was much larger.  It was a lot more fun but I was already used to it.  We had heard of some rain in New York, but what I saw was sunshine a clouds below.  As we descended through the clouds the wings appeared to be slick and then water droplets started on the windows.  When we got to the ground it was a messy rain, wet and soggy.  I noticed as I got out that luggage is treated very poorly.  Better bring souvenirs back on plane!  We got off and noticed immediatly that the airport in Atlanta was much prettier and had a larger Delta wing.  We just walked right to the gate and then went and ate.  I had breadsticks and a drink for $3.00.  We shopped at all the places and went back to the gate and waited for our flight to board.  There a lady walked up to us and asked if we were Mme Wright’s group.  It was Linda Dobbs!  She is the new leader.  She acts real nice.  We get on the plane and I am sitting next to a pro!  She goes right to sleep.  I sleep a little and then dinner is served.  It was a shrimp meal.  It was wonderful.  I never thought I’d like airplane food.  Wow.  And now I’m on my way.  In the morning we will have a continental breakfast.

» 27 August 2007

Mme Wright, our French teacher had very recently suffered an aneurism.  Everything had been planned and paid for.  After a meeting with all of the parents, it was decided that we should go on our scheduled tour, but be under the supervision of the leader of the group we were going to be with.  Even Mike Wright, Mme’s son, went on the trip with us.  We started the trip with 4 groups.  There was our group from Stillwater, OK, Mme Dobbs’ group from Caldwell, Idaho, a group from Wagoner, OK, and a group from Cincinatti, OH.  The Wagoner and Cincinatti groups were both on a one week tour; Stillwater and Caldwell would continue on for another week after that.

I was in awe of air travel.  It seemed so exotic to me, as I had never been on a plane before.  At the airport in Tulsa, Stan took the only picture of me that I would get on the entire trip.  That is one of the biggest regrets I have of my life.

JFK airport seemed dirty to me.  While we waited there, we were approached several times by “deaf-mutes” selling trinkets.  The entire place had a very grey feeling about it, as if nobody really wanted to be there.  The heavy rains blocked our view, concealing my first and only glimse of the New York skyline.  I could just make it out, like a Magic Eye picture, only if I relaxed my eyes and titled my head slightly.  And then, only the twin towers reminded me that this was New York City and not just a mound of something in the distance.  I felt cheated out of an experience, even though I was not really in New York and would not be going there; I still wanted to see it since I had gotten so close.

» 5 March 2016

19-vintage-photos-that-show-what-new-york-city-looked-like-in-the-1980sAs a kid, I always assumed I would end up living in New York as an adult.  It was just a part of the plan.  Maybe that assumption was a result of movies and TV.  There certainly is a New York / L.A. bias that runs periodically through entertainment.  Television in the nineties was certainly New York-centric, and that likely influenced who I imagined I would be.  However, my love of the city had definitely started earlier than that.  I particularly remember segments on Sesame Street featuring city workers and trucks, traffic and streets crawling with people.  If I was exposed to those videos for the first time today, I would focus on the dirt or the noise.  I wouldn’t care for it.  But at the time it felt magical, very different from my decidedly non-urban life in Stillwater, Oklahoma.

The reality would be that as of 2016, I’ve never been to New York.  My trip to France was my first and only time in an airport in the state, and it was so rainy I could just barely make out the city’s skyline.  What I failed to appreciate at the time was the gritty nature of the airport, a feature that wouldn’t last.  I say appreciate because it was a unique experience and I have always enjoyed unusual experiences.  As long as it isn’t causing me harm, I enjoy being in new places and in new situations.

I haven’t thought much about Atlanta, or hadn’t much when I was a kid.  Sure, I watched Designing Women, but that hardly shows anything of the city where it takes place.  It came as a complete shock when I first saw the size of the city.  It was a trial by fire as we were rushed from one plane to the next.  While we weren’t in Georgia for long, it certainly reminded me of one of those cartoons where a small guy holds open a door for someone and an enormous crowd piles in as well, leaving the poor guy startled and disheveled.  All of us from Stillwater rushed our way through the airport and onto the next plane.

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Saturday 1 June 1996

As I went to work I realized the excitement and joy of the opportunity I have made possible for myself.  I am going to France!  I will be allowed to remain in another country for a time of two weeks!  Chessie starts today.  I hope she works out. If she does we’ll share hours at work.  I just don’t know what to think.  Tomorrow we will be going to Tulsa.  Brad is going for a week.  I will be going to the airport with Ann Monday morning.  Wow!!  My first plane, my first out-of-country experience and the first time I’ve gone East of Arkansas.  I just cannot wait.

» 27 August 2007

In truth, this was not an opportunity that I had created for myself.  Far from it.  This opportunity was made possible by the generosity of my Mimi and Papa, as well as sizable donations from my parents.  I had worked for a year and saved almost nothing.  It was not me who got me there, but my family who realized that I really wanted to go.

I did know what to think about sharing my job with the new girl who was starting.  I didn’t like it.  I felt liked I had worked really hard to be important to the Villa, where I worked, and didn’t appreciate having someone come in to “help,” as it just seemed like she was cutting my paychecks in half, which she did. In the end, she did not work out and I worked alone until I left for college over a year later.  Interesting side note:  my one and only date with a girl was with Chessie.  We went to the fair in September of the same year.  It was actually a lot of fun.

» 27 February 2016

I’m so excited to revisit this journal after twenty years.  I cannot believe it’s been so long!  Recently, I was driving my nephew home from my parents’ house and it dawned on me that he is only two years younger than I was when I went to France.  That seems so untrue and amazing that I hardly knew what to do with that information.  It was during that talk that we discussed the concept of memory.  He was asking me about the concept of time seeming to go by when one is older.  I thought about that and hypothesized that perhaps what is at play is how our memories can stick to us, how things that happened decades ago can seem so clear still, as though those things might’ve happened yesterday.  The older we get, the more of those memories we have and it all just starts to feel compressed as if life hadn’t been as long as it was.

I remember 1996.  I remember it like I remember last month.  I remember my feelings, my desires, my motivations, and my philosophies.  I remember my secrets.  I remember spending lunches with my friends buying CDs at the local music store, and how much I loved my time washing dishes at my job because it gave me time to drift away into my own thoughts.  I remember the feeling of being caught between loving my family whose company I truly valued and needing very much not to be around them.  I remember spending too much time with my friends.  And I remember not being all that adventurous or daring, a trait I have always attributed to being very cerebral and lost in my own head.  I did not have a wild side; it never seemed to develop, which has been disappointing at various points during my life, but ultimately, I’ve been satisfied with being grounded.

In my teens, I romanticized everything, and often wondered if others were doing that as well.  At fifteen or sixteen, I didn’t have those words for my friends, didn’t understand the value of an open heart, and so I’d wonder about how people see the world for a long time.  It wasn’t until I had nephews and nieces that I got to see other people who were experiencing the world in ways that seemed so familiar.  My oldest nephew, the one with whom I discussed memory, has a tendency to romanticize his world.  It’s nice to see things through rose-colored glasses — I still try to wear them as often as possible — but he will experience a fair amount of disappointment when the world reveals itself for what it really is, a feeling that nobody can prepare him for.

Favim.com-9757France stood as a fantasy world, somehow existing in our modern world as both very much a part of the 1930s, 1960s, and somewhat 1980s.  To my sixteen year old eyes, it seemed not lost in time, but purposely wrapped in the past, a land joyously refusing to become something it did not want to be.  I loved that about it and could not have cared less about how unlikely my notions of French life might be.  I wanted so much for it to be that land I had invented.

The opportunity to go to France had been presented in 1994 in French class.  I was only too eager to join the group, assuming that others in my class would go as well… friends.  I looked forward to it from the moment I saw the green light in the eyes of my parents and grandparents.  I was told I’d have to pay for half, which motivated me to get a job in 1995, but my youth would ultimately stand in the way of acting responsibly and saving money.  I never really did.  The trip should’ve been called off, but perhaps the adults in my life realized the size of this opportunity.  Perhaps they knew its impact would last well beyond the two weeks we would be gone.  Perhaps they knew that I had in fact worked hard at my job, in spite of my lack of ability to save the money, ultimately deciding to reward me for that.  I’m not sure.  What I do know is that I was allowed to go.  I was not prepared, not mature enough, but I was going anyway.

Sunday 2 June 1996

1_9cd8580cbcd0e41e8765f55eb60c4e3cI am at Ann’s.  This morning we did not go to church but rather we went to Stroud.  There I bought some new headphones, a CD, a get-well card for Mme Wright, and some stuff at the toy store.  I got a Limber Louie, a marionette of an unusual looking bird.  The sides control his feet so that he can appear to walk.  I am having a hard time stopping my thoughts of what France will be like.  I have absolutely no IDEA!  Becky and Brad are going to a work camp where they paint houses.  I also bought some Furr Balls lil’ stuffed toys with rubber faces.  I have had quite a day and can’t wait — think, tomorrow I’ll be on a plane to Paris.  Wow!

» 27 August 2007

Yep, spent a bunch of money BEFORE going to Europe.  I honestly had no idea how dumb that would end up being.  Blue and furry Louie lived in a box for years.  I eventually lost him and now do not know where he ended up.  I do not miss him.

» 27 February 2016

Sometimes things can happen in life and the impact can seem like it will be quite small, but it turns out the be huge.  Shortly before leaving on our trip, the French teacher and our chaperone Mme Wright suffered a brain aneurysm.  She would recover, but was unable to go with us to France.  The parents met and decided to let us go without her.  Money had already been paid — nonrefundable at that point — and most of those going were already eighteen.  I was the youngest at sixteen.  We weren’t going to be left to our own.  We would meet up with another group on our way and their teacher agreed to keep an eye on us.  That group was always going to be with us during the entire two weeks.

Kids should be educated on money and saving in school.  It should come up throughout the twelve years of school and be a mandatory part of the curriculum.  Add to that other everyday skills such as interviewing for jobs, interacting with others in public, how to wait in lines patiently, cooking, cleaning, how to apply for a loan, how to pay back loans.  These are all very important life skills we forget to teach kids.  I always had the things I wanted.  Sure, I remember my mom and dad telling me I couldn’t have this or that, but I never felt like I wanted for anything.  It was a cushy, middle-class life.  Understanding money didn’t play much of a roll at that time in my life.

I was facing a major opportunity, an event so pivotal to my life that I would carry it with me forever.  It would inform my future relationships, jobs, and where I would choose to live.  It would be the thing I would revert to for comfort or when I wanted to remember a certain kind of emotional pain.  And it would take as much money as I could hold onto to keep me going for the two weeks.  Still, I thought it appropriate to buy toys at an outlet mall the day before I left.  I had been doing a lot of fighting to keep the little kid part of me from going forward with me in life, and this is just one example of where I failed.  As setbacks go, it probably seems somewhat inconsequential, but it seems like an important part of understanding who I was in that moment, who I had been until then, and who I ultimately was to become as a result of the trip.

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I want to comment on my journals I kept when I was a child.  This came about as the 20th anniversary of my trip to France approaches and I would really like to update my thoughts and give some back story.  I was 16 at the time of the trip, an age during which I felt extremely self conscious.  Although I expected my journal to remain private, I still left out things I didn’t want others to know.  I wish I could take that trip again.

I should start by pointing out that i haven’t read my childhood journals in a long time.  In the case of the one I kept in Junior High & High School, I haven’t read them since I wrote them.  I have no idea what I had to say, but I’m going to put it out there anyway.

1

Jan. 2 1990

New Years

New Years is sharing,

caring,giving, and loving,

growing, seeing, living,

and moving on.

•Fuchs•

!Happy!

!New Year!

Brian F

2

Dec. 16, 1990

What is Christmas?

Christmas is loving and

caring,

It’s for being with

family and friends.

Christmas is kids

in the snow and puppies

by the fireplace.

It’s for Daddys with

the news paper,

For Mommys sewing

by the fire

Christmas…………….

The best time of the year!

•Fuchs•

Merry Christmas

Brian F

3

Nov. 28, 1990

Weather

Weather, Weather Every-

where,

You find it in the air.

Rain, snow, sleet, sun,

Some are gloomy some

are fun,

Hardy, soft, or inbetween,

Comes down hard and mean.

Now thats weather all

about,

and thats no doubt!

•Fuchs•

Brian F

4

Nov. 29, 1990

A Friend

A friend is what you

make of one,

Not what you want

from one.

•Fuchs•

F. F. L.

r   o  i

i   r   f

e      e

n

d

s

Brian F

Okay, that was mildly embarrassing.  I was 10 when I wrote the first one and 11 for the rest.  What I find the most interesting is that the journal I used was inscribed to me by my dad on November 7, 1988.  I have clearly ripped out some pages, which is unfortunate.  Seeing what I had to write at 9 would have been very interesting.  These poems were clearly written elsewhere and transcribed into this journal at a later date.  I had only recently discovered poetry, so it isn’t surprising that I was trying to write it.  My first poem was written in October 1988.

Fall Leaves

Fall winds swish around leaves of red,

orange, and yellow

The cool sand is nice, you see birds,

the grass feels good

Squirrels and birds gather food, it is

nice to walk around

Pumpkins decorations are neat and

fantastic

Jack-O-Lanterns are now on our porch,

fall has arrived.

Brian Fuchs

I was 9 when I wrote that and it somehow has more to it that the ones I wrote later.  Fall Leaves was written for class, so that could explain why my effort was greater as well.  As for the others, New Years seems to say nothing at all.  What is Christmas? is interesting.  It neither matches my life experience or that of the general population.  It speaks to an idealized Victorian era Christmas that I remember being rather popular in the late 1980s and early 1990s.  Weather is clearly an attempt at rhyming, which I wasn’t terribly great at then and which I don’t attempt now.  Finally, the very short A Friend.  I had several books of proverbs as a kid.  This was almost certainly my attempt at writing my own proverb.

These poems as a whole say very little of my life in 1990.  They don’t have much to say at all really.