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Hooray for Heather! She has some of my all time favorite arms, which we were graced with daily when I worked with her selling books and coffee to people who I couldn’t stand. And Heather almost always smells pretty. Way to be awesome, little Heather.

Other stuff worth mentioning:

•My computer died. I’m using an even more ancient one. Dreadful!

•I have a tire on my car that requires air twice a day and a bank account incapable of supporting the purchase of a new tire. I’ve been cranky about it today.

•Earlier today, I had a Totino’s pizza. Say what you will about them, I still love them. They do make my house smell gross for a great many hours after though.

•I have so many ideas in my head I might just explode. If I do this over a notebook, maybe some of them will live on. I am trying to make this super collision of three different genres. I really should focus on my book.

•I was cranky with David and now I feel bad about it. Like I said, the tire. But also I’ve been really tired and my back has been hurting. I’m really not in a bad mood though.

•I miss last year. I want Daniel to be happy. I miss Daniel this week. I think it is better that I took a break from him. I think my feelings had taken a wrong turn. I don’t want to mess things up by being me about him.

•I really do enjoy drinking tea.

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I got out of Anchorage for nearly three days. David, Daniel, Denis, & I took a trip to McCarthy & Kennecott in the Copper River Basin. Kennecott is an old mining town that was abandoned in 1938. The trip was beautiful, therapeutic, and well-deserved by all of us.

Honestly, I imagined great tension and possible distance on our return, but the four of us play very well off one another and if I can get over my jealousy that the other three live in two adjacent houses far from me, I think we’ll continue to have a strong relationship.

I’m not a nature person… so I say, but I do really enjoy getting out and doing things like this trip. I mainly say these things about not being a nature person to prevent people from inviting me on adventures that I can resent them for going on later. I should see someone about that, but for now I will just admit it and try to deal with it. I seem to be all too willing to sabotage my own happiness. Curious. I think getting a little nature all over me was good.

My pictures will be around soon. Too tired to care tonight.Continue Reading

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I am not the person I was when this year began. My life has shifted in different ways, ultimately resulting in this transformed Brian that exists today. I really like being the new Brian, even if the old one is missed from time to time.

{david eugene & the demise of cloves}

I started hanging out with David last December. I had met him when he worked in the cafe at Borders over the summer and was instantly a fan. When he mysteriously left the store, I became obsessed with what turned out to be the memory of someone I didn’t even know well. In an act of silly desperation, I confessed my love for him. My confession was ignored and all future attempts to discuss it have been rejected. That was a great blessing; over the past year I have had one of the best friendships with David. He is often crazy, sometimes reclusive, but always there when I need him. When I was about to find myself homeless in September, it was David who immediately offered a place to stay. When I needed to get a new place of my own, it was David who hooked me up with a great deal on an apartment. When David decided to quit smoking a year ago, I also gave it up in support of his decision. He is still quitting. 2007 is defined mostly as the year of David to me.

{heather, the gay monkey, the rock star, and the world}

Oh, Heather. 2007 has not seemed like her year, but maybe it really has been. Heather’s boyfriend moved back to town halfway through the year. Previously, he had been in town 10 days per month. I think they both felt that they wanted that to happen; however, as their lives had progressed over time, neither knew what to do with one another being around so often. What seemed like a sudden burst of elation quickly fizzled and the two parted. It was a really sad time, as I liked both of them as individuals. But this is not a story with a sad ending. This freed Heather to pursue another option, the greatly more suitable John. Those two make so much more sense than I could have imagined. I miss my Heather, but I’m glad she is happy now. Heather also got a new place to live out of the break-up — well, okay, she was semi-forced to move.

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I live alone again. I’m trying to be okay with that and think I am coming to terms with it. David was right. This is better for both of us, but that isn’t the point. I miss him. I miss Jo-da. I miss the sounds of another person in the house. But everything will be fine.

I moved into David’s old apartment. It is a large space and suits me well. The neighborhood is a bit too quiet, but the neighbors aren’t overly inquisitive, which is nice. I hate feeling watched.

Work has been irritating. It has seemed much busier than it has been and I feel like I am constantly behind. Welcome to the holiday shopping season!

Heather got moved too. I feel bad for abandoning her and finding my own place, but she has been really nice about it. That almost makes me feel worse about it though. She has found a place to stay — with some of my favorite people in Anchorage. Things are going to work out for her.

Life feels right at the moment. I’m really trying to stay in the moment and not focus too much in either direction — past or future. Being as here as I can be is good. Being happy with myself is my only goal and I am getting there… slowly, but surely.

I really miss my family right now. The next few months will be rough without a visit. And I need to call Brandy, who came to visit me and has yet to hear from me. I have too much to do.

I haven’t found my France journal yet. I was in the middle of putting it on here and misplaced it during my move to David’s. I will try to locate that this week and resume writing about my experiences. I wanted to be done with that by the end of this year.

If anyone has any great ideas for what I could do with my other website, let me know.Continue Reading

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I feel like a little kid who threw a fit last night. Honestly, that wasn’t my intention. I was frustrated, angry, and sad. I couldn’t shake it and felt like I was about to cry in the living room. That would have been embarrassing since Jeff was over and he and David (well… and I) were watching a movie. I got up and went down stairs and didn’t return. I don’t really know what happened either. Or I do. I ended up turning up some music too loud so the world would melt away. When I had calmed myself sufficiently, I went to bed. I didn’t hear from David, but I can see how it would look for him. I doubt he noticed all that much actually. Being alone is suddenly hard, despite my 28 years of experience. Having other people flaunt their happiness in front of me is frustrating.

This morning I feel fine. No lingering resentment. I think I must have just been too tired to deal with things. And I felt like I was intruding on their evening, even though I had been invited to be there with them to watch the movie.

I don’t really know what all of this means… if anything at all.

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Last Thursday, David Eugene turned 37. He might threaten bodily harm for revealing that, but it is not a secret. I think that is a really nice age to be. I hope I agree with that statement when I turn 37, but it seems a nice age to me at the moment. I’ve felt rather uncomfortable in my 20’s. I think I have really been waiting to age — like some sort of fruit that needs to ripen to be appreciated. My skin just has felt wrong. Don’t get me wrong now; basically, I have been content with my life, even finding moments of great pleasure in these past 8 years. It just doesn’t feel right yet. I’m sorry that David feels older than he’d like to be. For his birthday, we worked a very long day and then went to Gallo’s for a little merriment. Pictured are Sherri, me, David, & one of the Donnas. Donna’s daughter and a friend were also there. I love small crowds of interesting people. If we didn’t have to get up so early the next morning, that night could have gone on for hours.

Man, I have been so sick lately. I woke up Sunday feeling horrible. It has slowly gotten better, but I have had a sore throat, fever, headache, and I have been exhausted. I barely moved from bed for 2 days (and by bed I mean couch).

untitled (‘evil’)

Perhaps we expect too much of the dead
assuming their now saintly statuses —
dooming former loved ones to watch us

The cats are restless
stirring as they do when I need
to be lost in thought
They are minions sent to keep
me from discovering my true self
sent to distract me from revealing
the mysteries in my soul

They will fail

Is all of existence a vessel of evil?
Maybe it is just me, here, now
that needs to know that evil exists
Only this can prove the presence of good
and that life is meaningful

I want to know everything

I’m worried about my dead friends
and somehow upset that others have left me
rather than just dying
At least death cannot be my fault
It is easier than accepting
that I am not always enough

8.17.2006 / 10.10.2007

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Okay, so it wasn’t a cabinet exactly. I had grown to love the duplex and the many oddities that made it special. It had started to feel like home for me. The pops and creaks the place would make as it warmed from the sun had become familiar. The troops of insects and spiders that would find a way in had started to be less of an annoyance than they once were. The sound of the water under the house — like sitting atop the beach with waves moving back and forth — was soothing. I had even grown fond of the huge fireplace, sitting awkwardly in the corner. It took up too much space and was unusable. I had decided to place foam skulls in it for Halloween and string lights in the top so they would be slightly lit up.

I think I can fall for almost anyplace. It just takes time. With the duplex, it took almost a year for me to really appreciate it. I have certainly lived in places that took less time too, but I like to settle. Part of the reason I moved to Alaska was that I was not happy with my own tendency to settle so quickly. But honestly, that is one of my favorite things to do. It shouldn’t scare me so much.

Currently, I am living in a basement. Surrounded by concrete walls and hot water tanks, I know I can’t stay too long and should fall for this unusual place. For various reasons, I must have a new place to stay by Christmas. I don’t want to think about it just now. I am trying to decide if I can live with a roommate. I tend to be more independent than most people like to deal with. But I doubt I can afford this city on my own. We’ll see. And with any luck I will be settled in to my new place by spring.Continue Reading