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for Kami

Written 12 September 2019 in Payne County, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “A Boy from Albuquerque” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)


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untitled [‘collecting’]

I’m still collecting the members of my family
Each one, perfect in their way,
makes the days easier to accept
despite the loneliness, despite the pain
Sometimes, it seems that love flows
endlessly from me, welcoming too many
but bolts of bitterness remind
me of the pointlessness
the seeming pointlessness
and newly placed friends drop silently
to the ground, landing in a pile,
a lump, a twisted bit
that I’ll soon stop thinking about.

5.8.2008

The following poem isn’t my favorite, but it was so formed in my head and in order to not lose it, I wrote it on a discarded blank CD, which was the only blank surface I could find at that moment.

Love Is Simple

It hasn’t been enough to love people
to grasp at them, lightening bugs
I want to jar and admire.
They’ve been too quick, lighting up
and confusing me.
Tactic must change
approach needs to be more subtle
style needs refined
and words need to be heard.
Love is such a simple request
yet it seems among
the most elusive of gifts.
I’m no longer willing to feel
punished by time, by God (or god),
by the will of those who just
don’t want me.
My heart longs to be filled,
my eyes long to gaze into another’s
and this request feels
like it will never be granted.

5.15.2008

Featured Image Art: Tiffany Lynch, “Birdys and Blossoms”

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When Heather & I made plans to see this movie, I didn’t think I would like it. It looked like it was self-important silliness masquerading as serious clichéd arthouse cinema. I was wrong.

Shortbus is one of the most beautiful movies I have seen. I was so moved on a number of levels, but I would want to ruin anything by giving away even a small portion of the plot. I cannot think of a greater assemblage of fine actors in recent films; each one flawlessly executed his or her particular role. I cared about every character, even the minor ones.

I will own this one. I highly recommend that everyone see this film. I won’t lie, 87.2% of you will be offended. But for those who can let the film move you in the ways it should, I believe this one will be quite an experience for you. Bonus: Freakin’ great soundtrack!

Up To The Challenge?

Apparently, things aren’t going as swimmingly at work as I would’ve hoped they were. I have been pretty flaky, but I thought nobody had really noticed. Wrong. I was spoken to about getting my work done and was forced to step up and be efficient. I am more than capable. I love my job & really get irritated when I perform below my own standards. I guess I have just been in a funk.

One of these days, I am going to amaze bossman with my talents. Oh, I will.

Meanwhile, I feel oddly inspired by Shortbus, but the things I am inspired to do would actually make me happy. I’m not sure we can have that!

Images: stills from Shortbus (2006)

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I revealed something to a friend… a crush. I am terrified of what will happen next (good or bad). I just needed to get it off my heart and let him know because it was consuming me, keeping me up at night. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in months and I can’t stop thinking about him. It felt like the right thing to do. Unfortunately, he was unavailable, so I left a message, telling him everything that I needed him to know. If I had waited, I would have lost my nerve.

I don’t really know what to think right now. I guess it was the best way to deal with it, but I still have this fear of people thinking about me when I am not around. I want people to love me, but I don’t really want them giving much thought to me when I am not with them… which is probably why gifts make me uncomfortable. The idea that the person was considering me is unsettling. (Is this just another step on the road to needing therapy?)

I can’t wait for my vacation. I leave in a week and I am nowhere near ready. I look forward to spending time with my family and have made some definite plans with friends to go dancing. I think the trip will be very emotional from start to finish. We’ll see.

A huge thank you to Heather (& Jake). I have spent ever so much time at their home using the internet. It is very kind of them to be so patient with me.

Featured Image Art: photo by Joshua Newton (via Unsplash)

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Apathy:
I think it is taking me more to be apathetic and lazy than it would to actually do something. I don’t like that. I would love to just clean and work out and write and pay bills. All those things I just don’t get around to because I am too busy wasting as much time doing literally nothing. I guess the first step is admitting there is a problem.

I also feel bad because I know I owe Justin some money, but haven’t gotten around to giving it to him even though I have it. Oh well.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not in a bad mood or anything like that. I am actually feeling good that I have made a mental effort at least. I think that so much had been going on that I just wished I could be a kid and not deal with this whole life thing. It is fine though…

Things I Love:
(for those who thought I was down because of the hate list…)
•I love popcorn
•I love Madonna
•I love feeling infinite
•I love privacy
•I love watching movies
•I love eating cinnamon candy until my tongue burns.
•I love my iMac
•I love having brothers
•I love planning projects I will never finish.
•I love just being with Travis and not having to talk.
•I love Sonic
•I love looking at myself in the mirror when I am cute.
•I love smoking cloves
•I love Sanrio
•I love imagining having a boyfriend
•I love reading
•I love eating squash
•I love dandelions
•I love remembering walking home from school with Carla (and sometimes Bonnie).
•I love candlelight
•I love letting JD & Lori talk.
•I love Christmas (secretly)
•I love buying clothes
•I love my kibbies (cats) Molly & Franz
•I love ginger (cookies, mints, toothpaste, ale/beer)
•I love remembering first grade, the year I was in a wheelchair from Legg Perthes and having to learn to walk again.
•I love the smell of laundry
•I love being fairly simple
•I love IKEA
•I love Earl Grey tea
•I love Roseanne (TV)
•I love when it is really really cold and I can pull a blanket over myself and watch Little Women.
•I love Shout Color Catchers
•I love the trip I took to France
•I love music

Updates to Love:
•I love it when Jess makes cookies for me (and it’s not about the cookies…)
•I love Justin’s made up words
•I love how Jerry understands me so much and we can talk for hours (I miss him so much it hurts)
•I love work
•I love Xanga friends (I am not just saying that either!), specifically, but not limited to venusunfolding, goofynuttyboy, confess_or_explode, imanalien, TheBlahBook, tonys_2k2, upandoutward, jrat, Ice_Falcon

Obviously, I knew I had left people in my life out. I sorry. The original list was totally off the top of my head.

Featured Image Art: unknown comic illustration

originally posted on Xanga

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Money:
I need more. I want so much stuff, but I need more money to get it!

Boys:
I need at least one. For a few reasons — you can figure them out!

Me:
I want to look like one of the boys that I want. I like me and want to look like I feel inside…

Featured Image Art: detail of Gay Men’s Health safe sex poster

originally posted on Xanga

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Me:
I finally put myself out there… to no avail, but still… I did it. I need some gay friends. I love my friends so much, but they aren’t the same. There is something quite nice about sitting with a group of gay guys chatting about whatever. We even got to coming out stories. We could relate on a very personal level. I can’t say that about most of my friends. I don’t relate with them much — sometimes that is why we are friends. Jason was right… it would be wonderful to make a little gay family because that is what it feels like. I feel like I am around close family members, even around total strangers. They just need to be gay men around my age. That makes almost no sense, but… I know what I mean.

Jim:
(Jim: I would not presume to tell you how to live your life. This is purely my own thoughts). I really don’t want to offend him because I enjoyed him so much. I would love to be around him and his friends all the time. However, Jim doesn’t seem to know what he wants right now. I wish it was me; I wish it was a relationship. I really am not sure that it is. And maybe it was easy to slip into “slut” mode. His friends weren’t helpful at all though. I really wanted it to be more than it seemed to be. It was nice, but not much like a date. I started to let it confirm my feeling that I am repulsive, but decided to just look at it as an issue Jim is having. I am fully open to hanging out with him, but I really hope that he sees more in time. I am not like all the others. I really wanted to know more about Jim. More about his family, his opinions, his life. He is very attractive, but that isn’t why I drove an hour and a half to meet him. I am interested in him, and I really hope he decides to open up. He is one of the sweetest people ever; someone who can’t say no (he might change what is happening, but he doesn’t really say no). I liked him. But it is all in vain if he knows he will never feel the same way. I know it is silly to expect anything this soon, so I will continue talking to him and hopefully going to see him. If nothing else, I hope I have landed some wonderful new friends. I already miss them. Jim loves music so much and I love that.

Work:
I don’t want to go to work after such a great weekend.

Featured Image Art: photo by torn bluejeans (via PNG Tree)

originally posted on Xanga

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OKC Pride Fun:
This weekend was SO fun… Humid, but fun. Dinner Saturday night with Jim(the great guy), Jason, & Josh(“Yesh”) was great fun. Later we went clubbing, as everyone did apparently, and had a lot of fun. Back at Jim’s, there was no fun fun. Sleeping was fun. Sunday morning we went back to the park and then helped put together a float for the parade, which was somewhat fun. Then, after waiting around for quite a while we marched in the parade, handing out beads and candy — so much fun!!! Unfortunately, I had to leave after the parade which was not fun. But when I got to Tulsa, I went to a surprise 30th birthday party — more fun. Now, Lori is over and we are talking about our love lives and other stuff and she is fun.

Me:
I think I learned a lot about myself this weekend. I will write more later when I can think my thoughts through. It was all very nice. I did get the feeling that I couldn’t compete with the sea of naked boys, but I shouldn’t need to.

Featured Image Art: photo of OKC Pride

originally posted on Xanga

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Family:
I finally decided to come out to my cousin, Becky. She is really one of two people I haven’t told since coming out to my friends in 1997. She means a lot to me and I really think that it will devastate me should I ever lose her respect and friendship. Over the past few years I have started to tell her on a number of occasions, but have always chickened out. I must now do this, as the secrecy is pulling us further apart. I will keep you posted on what happens. I told her best friend, a coworker of mine, but she already knew. *Click here for he letter I sent to Becky*

Friends:
Nobody understands me. Not that it is anyone’s fault but my own, but I feel like people treat me like the wallflower who likes being that way. Sometimes I do. But what my friends do not get is that I take a long time to warm up to people (weeks, months, years sometimes). They all end up giving up on me. I have stories, thoughts, opinions, concerns. It just feels to me like it all has to be about everyone else all the time.

Possibilities:
This is what I wrote to the guy I am into that made him want to meet me(I had said his recklessness was sexy; he questioned it):

“Sexy? Certainly… There is a boyish charm… a carelessness that reminds me of boys I’ve loved, dreamed of loving. There is a certain nostalgia that lives in you. The memory of bicycles, summer afternoons, snowcones, and friends you seemed to only know then because they were from the neighborhood. There is an impetuous nature that causes memories of things that have not yet happened. I can picture the impulsive way I’d be kissed or my hand grabbed and we’d run through a field for no reason other than the act itself. And how I would bring breakfast in bed because someone won’t listen and hurt himself… again! And I would nurse your wound, which would hurt longer because you’d want to be taken care of. And I’d be woken up at 3:00 a.m. some January night to be dragged outside to dance in the falling snow. Yes, it is sexy.”

Just wanted to share that because I was proud of it. Plus it is all true. I tried to write a poem about the same thing while I was on lunch today at work. I am still blocked. I have decided to rejoin pathetic.org. I will post a link when it is up.

Money:
I need to stop spending money. I am so scared of financial things right now. I would have been more vague about that if I could.

Me:
Big Friday plans: Haircut, clothes shopping (if I don’t have anything suitable for Saturday & Sunday), dinner with Dad & Lori, call Mom, call the guy, watch Six Feet Under Season 1, Disc 2. Big day. I may have caused a bit of a rift between myself and a good friend because of my funk. I hope he doesn’t hate me. And I hope I can learn to not hate his boyfriend (I am not there at this point). Forgive me T.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian & Becky

originally posted on Xanga

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Lori:
While Lori was here the other day she read this page. Now she is a bit irritated that I mention her so often (especially about scorching the soup). I am putting this in just for her because I wasn’t going to talk about her in here today. Ha! S’Lor…

Pic:
I need some new pics. The one in the white t-shirt is several years old. I look the same, but have glasses and longish hair now. I thought I had newer options on my computer, but I could not find them if they are there.

Movie:
Last night I watched Bubble Boy with Jake Gyllenhaal, which was actually pretty cute. It was nice to see Jake doing comedy. I would recommend renting it but keep in mind it is a little stupid.

Reading:
I picked up David Sedaris’ new book — I need to start reading it!!! I really enjoyed his others so I have no doubt this one will be great. I hope his friend, David Rakoff, writes something new soon. His first book Fraud was excellent.

Work:
I hate GDFC. “Idaho” refuses to work with GDFC now — It is out of control. Things need to change. They need to change now.

Love:
I really want to find someone. I keep putting it off, thinking I need to improve this or that to become more desirable. I I know perfectly well that is stupid and I would end up spending my life trying to improve. Sad.

Me:
For all of you who have asked: I am originally from Stillwater, Ok, where I grew up and went to high school. I currently live in Tulsa. I am a huge Stillwater fan still and most of my family is still there. I think I decided to live my life here in Tulsa (or wherever if I am ever in a relationship and must follow my man to his involuntary transfer) and after a full life, retire in my home town of Stillwater. Mind you, retirement will be an antiquated notion by the time this all happens. I will work until I am 90 and I die there at work: still in debt. I am full of unneccessary saddness tonight…

Featured Image Art: photo of Lori napping in my living room

originally posted on Xanga