By:
On:
With: 1 Comment

I’m feeling a little blah. I don’t think there is any reason for it actually. As soon as I get some batteries for my camera, I will post some pics of my new place. I’ve spent a lot of time working on making it feel like home. I’m still a little lonely here and I’ve been quite tired because of the lack of light, but I think things are really improving. I’ll stop whining about it again.

I finished another great book. The Pirates! In An Adventure with Ahab by Gideon Defoe was just as hilarious as his first book, The Pirates! In An Adventure with Scientists. Read them; they are awesome.

Every time I start to doubt people, they surprise me. I have terrific friends.

I want a boyfriend.

Featured Image Art: James Ensor, “Self-Portait with Masks” (1899)

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I’ve been a little down recently. I’m trying not to be.

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I was a jerk to David tonight. I was really upset that I wasn’t nice and cried on my way home from his house. I feel a little silly and pathetic. I hope he is okay.

 

It is 3:51 a.m. on Monday. I can’t sleep! I am so hyper and it makes no sense. I have to go pick up Heather tomorrow night and I will be so exhausted when I go. BLAST.

Featured Image Art: AI Image (created using Wonder AI)

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I am officially over being sad. That’s right, over it. Where has all this sadness gotten me? Tired, fat, unmotivated, uninteresting, bitchy, unfriendly, & bored. I have had it up to here (holding hand up to non-specific head part) with this crap!

I recently told a friend that I was sorry she had to see the me she sees because the one inside is so different. It was misconstrued, but easily. What I meant by that is that regardless of this outward façade, I am a very different person inside. My moods are different, my emotions are different, and yes, my body is different. There is nothing wrong with the way I look, but it isn’t reflective of the real me. I wish people could see the person I know, because that one is who I feel I am. I am sorry that they must settle for this imposter.

So, what am I doing about this? Anyone who has known me for any longer than 5 minutes knows that I lose track of things… forget to do routine tasks. I am famous for losing focus and being often lost out on a far tangent, too stretched away from the point to recover. This is my fatal flaw. But I can do it. It just requires that I write it down. If I can write these things out for a long enough time, I will encompass that next day when I feel motivated to do it again, thereby ensuring that I continue to do these whatevers. But it makes me feel terribly nerdy to refer to lists and schedules in my personal life to accomplish mundane tasks.

Vanity must die.

So, I’ve made the pact with myself. I have gathered advice from the few who were privileged with insights into my deterioration. I am determined to become a new me. Two weeks from now, this pact could be all but forgotten, but at the moment I really want to do this. We’ll see where this all takes me.

Thanks to everyone for being so kind. My life is full of the most generous people I have ever known and I appreciate every one of you.

Featured Image Art: Kenojuak Ashevak, “Displaying Feathers”

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

So, I have been rather critical of my current visit with my family. I came home to Stillwater, Oklahoma after having spent the past year in Alaska. I am only here for 2 weeks and had very specific expectations of what this trip would be. Firstly, there would be exuberance and rejoicing over my return. Celebration and merriment would follow and I would enjoy many days of relaxing conversation with my parents at their new home outside of town.

That did not happen. The lack of interest in me once I arrived made me feel severely unneeded. Perhaps it is a blessing to know this. It doesn’t make knowing it any easier to know that my family can exist happily without me. It hurts a little. And this growing pain was something that needed to occur. I realize that I was never going to grow if I considered myself just one of my parents’ children instead of viewing myself as an independant individual, capable of being my own person.

I am capable.

I have only been gone for a year, but is seems like so much longer. Things I never took notice of before, suddenly stick out like bits of bone in the most delicious piece of fish I’ve ever eaten. I want to love it so much, but it just isn’t quite right. Conversely, things I took for granted seem like little blessings that only I seem to be aware of — the price of groceries, the proximity of family, dirt roads — and nobody else is taking notice. I miss this place, but I am happy to not be here at the same time.

My parents have changed. My brothers have changed. And there are small children, ready to take any attention left from whomever is around. It is a chaotic place, full of love and life, but completely unwelcoming to me. Because I wish it was the way it used to be.

Not In Alaska:
I have been enjoying the small pleasures I cannot get in Alaska. Trips: Sonic X2, Whataburger, Wal-Mart Supercenter X2, Wall’s, Bath & Bodyworks. I plan to go to a thrift store & Wall’s today and this weekend I will be going to Target, Bangkok, & hopefully Tuesday Morning and/or Hobby Lobby.

{edit}

Let me make things more clear. I really do love my family. They are the best family I could hope for. They are the most generous, most caring, & most interesting people I know. I was simply disappointed in the state of things in regards to the way I was treated on my returning after a year.

Images: Oklahoma A&M logo; illustration of seated woman (McGill Library via Unsplash)

Featured Image Art: township map of Payne County, OK

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Yay!

I have been having the most wonderfully fantastic day today. No reason at all. I just love life today and this all makes me believe that I am becoming my parents, bipolar disorder and all. A customer gave me a verbal award for being the nicest music seller anywhere in town, John (our receiving manager) got me a small gift just to be nice, and Meghan worked with me. She was also in an obnoxiously good mood today. I was just so grand to be alive, even though I was hacking and sneezing all day!!! I am super excited about getting some stuff done tomorrow and then I can relax. I might even turn my heat on! I was waiting until December and it will be December tomorrow.

Being sick doesn’t suck so much today… I will soon be going to Lori’s for some Amazing Race fun. Calm, quiet fun…

Meghan:

Meghan is one of the most wonderful people I know. She is just too much. Avert your eyes anyone who knows me or anyone who knows Meghan… It is just a shame she isn’t a gay boi (*wink wink*) or that she is an employee…(because I am not technically supposed to hang out with her)… I really think she is fantastic!

Featured Image Art: still of Red from Fraggle Rock

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Lori:

I do not hate Lori, but I get the feeling that she always thinks that lately. Now, I am sure she knows I don’t really, but I want her to know that I care about her a great deal. It is rather exhausting defending your feelings about someone all the time, which is why I haven’t. It is all okay. I appreciate you. Thanks for keeping an eye on my while I was sick last week.

Weird:

Some things in my life seem weird right now. In particular, my relationship with each of my friends. It all seems messy… if that makes sense.

Jess and I decided to watch movies at Lori’s while she is in Houston. Really, my DVD player is still over there… We also discussed the possibility of carving pumpkins, but I think we reached a consensus that pumpkin carving is not an acceptable activity in someone else’s house. Oh well… Maybe some other time. Speaking of movies, I think I want to see i huckabees.

I realized that Justin leaving may have triggered feelings of breaking up with someone. Maybe that is what happened to my libido, but I simply haven’t cared about sex lately. Justin and I weren’t a couple, but I miss him terribly. I know he and Patrick are very happy though.

Lori is going to be in Houston this week, as I mentioned previously. To her dismay in reading this, this break from constantly seeing her has been nice. I have no specific problem with Lori, but I was too comfortable. I don’t like routine and it had become one. I think I need time to myself much more often than people realize. And they don’t realize what that really means either. Lori, you know I love you…. but I realize you will take this too personally.

Being Alone:

I cannot express how much I value privacy. Often I am seen as secretive or sneaky, but really I just like to keep to myself. My privacy means that I have the right to not answer the phone or want friends to come over. And that is okay. Although I appreciate genuine concern about my well-being when it is warranted, frantic worrying about me just bugs me. If I don’t answer the phone, call someone else. If there is cause for concern, by all means check to make sure I haven’t died. However, I am not obligated to come in contact with somebody every single day. In fact, on days that I want to be alone, stopping by to make sure I am alive kills the day. I want to wake up and fall asleep on that day, having seen nobody. Having talked to nobody. Having spent the day doing Brian things.

Hurt:

My feelings were hurt. I mention it because it happens so infrequently. The person involved here will think that I hate them somehow, but I do not. I was with a friend at a store. I was mentally planning out some Christmas gifts that I could make, picking out fabrics and having them cut when my friend starts in on the fact that I buy fabric and never do anything with it. “I have never even seen you use your sewing machine… and you never buy enough to do anything with… ” I was offended. I think there are some issues here. First, my money and my buying habits are my business and go back to privacy. Secondly, no one wants to hear what a fuck-up they are in any area of life. Mind you, this friend is not the only one to do this to me. Why do people feel a need to cut me down? Am I doing something to them that I don’t realize I am doing?

Justin Things:

I was going through some stuff in my bedroom closet when I ran across some stuff Justin had given me. My favorite is a cheesy picture of a rose… the whole things looks a little WT, but the saying on it makes me cry every time I read it.

I LOVE YOU

You see me as I wish I were.

You hear what I really mean,

And not only what I say;

You always know how I feel.

You help me be a better person.

Bradley Tyler

It is overly sentimental, but it really
made me realize that Justin understood me and why I tried so hard to make his life better. I want so much for him and I am glad that he is happy… finally. I also ran across some of his paintings, which I need to see if he wants. I love them. He painted his emotions… the way people appear in his head. They are all blob heads with sharp teeth. They make me sad because I know they are from years of pain, but they are one of the most honest things in Justin’s life.

Prayers:

Meghan’s mom, Ren’s sister and two nieces.

Also, Lori who is traveling to Houston and John who is traveling out of Houston.

Featured Image Art: photo by Simple Stripes (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Weather:
It is so nice out in the evenings lately. I love fall because getting colder is so much more satisfying to me than getting warmer. I can’t wait for winter.

Money:
I am still stressed over the whole issue (and mainly because nothing has changed). I have done well at not spending any money though. Even the Ellen DVD I got today was an exchange from something I purchased in July. I want the money issue to go away, but I know that it won’t just because I ignore it. That may just make it worse. Blah.

Stress:
Stress seems to be going around lately. It was out in full force today, with the exception of Lori. Her moods never seem to follow the normal pattern. Funny girl. There is just so much to do at work that I need to stop and think out a logical sequence or I will never get it all done correctly. It is driving me nuts… nuts, I tell ya. Really, things are fantastic… considering.

Featured Image Art: photo by Matt (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Sad:
I went to Lulu Faboo after work and treated myself to some Deery-Lou stuff (pens, stickers, and a small mirror). Deery-Lou makes me smile. I know, I know, it is a little bit sad.

Sleep:
Although it was glorious, sleeping so long last night was unfortunate because I could have gotten some stuff done. I need some time to start preparing for painting half of the living room. That involves quite a lot reorganizing so that I will have a place to move all of the furniture while I do that. And what do I do with the cats when I paint? I don’t want to board them or lock them in another room, but I may need to.

Money:
Fortunately, I keep talking myself out of spending money. I have stopped ordering so much at work, and the only DVD I want right now is one I am exchanging something for. That makes it cost nothing. I want to be the person who doesn’t buy stuff. **Explanation of the Deery-Lou: yes, it was spending money, but it actually something I had planned for, not just an impulse. That is really what makes it sad. Plus, we are talking about $11.00.

Images: Sanrio character Deery-lou

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Xanga:
Yay! I fixed my jacked up Windows Media Player… now I can visit xangas with music on them again. It had been locking up my browser. Whew…

I also started a “family friendly” xanga (uncle_bri). I am trying to get my mom interested in this, but don’t need her to read everything I write. I tend to reveal too much on here sometimes.

LiveJournal:
I have finally figured out everything and have come to the same conclusion. It just isn’t as good. More people, but not as good. I did run into someone I know on there. Meghan. Anyway, I am glad to understand it.

Money:
I really don’t want to upset people, but I will with this. My money is mine. I can spend it the way I want, regardless of others impressions of how much money I should have or how much stuff I shouldn’t. I do make mistakes, and I want to be corrected if an obvious oversight has been made, but if I want another DVD, that should be okay. I just feel belittled by constant “mothering.” Blah. At the same time, I don’t mind discussing things, but I think there is a problem when I feel the need to hide things I buy in my own home. Sorry, person who knows they do this. I have been so busy trying to make everyone else’s life easier (parents, brothers, co-workers…) that I left me out and have been miserable for a while now.

Being Miserable:
I started doing it again, and I hate it. Thoughts that need to go away. I haven’t been this uncomfortable being me since high school… and that was terrible. I think I am just feeling that life is purposeless, what with everyone I know dying or having major problems. Life sucks, but the weird thing is that I am in fairly good spirits. I am just apathetic, complacent, drained, and emotionally numb. I hope I have hidden it well, but I guess this pretty much puts it all out there.

I will be fine.

Featured Image Art: unknown comic image

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Stupidity:
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I told Robby that I have feelings for him, which was moronic! Now, I am sick because I am fully aware that there is no chance of anything happening. He just thinks of me as a friend. I thought that was enough at one point. I hate feeling like this. Blah. Somewhere there is somebody who will like me… I hope. People tell me that, but it is hard to believe it when I have never met anyone as interested in me as I am in them. I wish Robby wanted me.

Quote:
“You think that I’m strong. You’re wrong…” — Robbie Williams

Life:
It is just pretty crappy sometimes… this being one of those times. Unfortunately, I can’t escape it this time — the problem is me.

One and a Half Dead Bunnies:
It was fitting that this should be what I discovered on my porch today. I have no idea what got into Molly (my cat), but she was on some sort of killing spree today. I hate it sometimes, but it comes with having cats…

Robby:
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I was so sick about him at Lori’s that I had to go in the other room and cry a number of times. And I just do not have that right. We are friends and I should be happy for him. Easier said, blah blah blah… Seriously, I bring way more drama than necessary to the table. I am a mess sometimes. (sorry about the drama, Robby…) I am not sure how to be less insane… it just feels wrong. And I really hate being this way! Blah. I almost called off my trip to Texas, but I shouldn’t be upset! I am really trying.

Featured Image Art: digital art by Brian Fuchs

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Vacation:
I don’t look very excited to be on vacation, I know… but I am! Lori & I left yesterday at about 10:30ish. When we got to Stillwater, my dad was not feeling well and Janessa (Jes) had not shown up with Conner yet. When they did finally show up, Jes had brought her annoying best friend with her. It wasn’t a very exciting visit… Oh well.

We then went to Edmond to see Brent, Laurisa, and KC (my neice). I had quite a nice visit with my brother. It is always nice when he is in a talkative mood. Jim was supposed to call while I was there… he didn’t. After a long visit, Brent gave me some photos (he is a photographer), we went to eat, and were on our way to Sayre.

Now see… I love Sayre. I do forget that others don’t. It is a very small town which is falling apart. It is dusty, smells like a farm, and everyone knows everyone else’s business. Just our presence in town was undoubtably talked about. I wanted the full experience, so we stayed at the Western Motel, a great old motel with a vintage sign (I will post a pic when we get our film developed). I just feel at home there. They pronounce my name correctly without asking (I have tons of family out there). Plus, when we walked into the motel room, the Bible was not only on the table for us, it was opened so we could start right in! I love that crazy stuff.

We woke up this morning pretty early. I was hyper after sleeping, which is way unusual. We gave ourselves plenty of time before deciding to go eat. Again, small town. I am not sure that Lori quite grasped that. The options were 2 diners and 1 donut shop (which closed at 10:00). Sonic (literally the 3rd restraunt in town) was probably open, but we weren’t really feeling it. We didn’t eat. We drove out to Sweetwater.

The cemetary was nice. It wasn’t too hot, partly cloudy. One complaint: just a little too windy for what I was doing (cutting silk flowers). I prepared the flowers and put them at my grandparents grave. I reserved 1 each for Janice, my aunt who died when she was 2 weeks old, and my great grandma McGuire. I removed the old flowers, dusted off the headstone, and we left — old flowers in tow.

We drove from there with even less desire to stop and eat. We settled on the veggies we had brought with us, but foolishly not touched yesterday. We then drove back to Oklahoma City and down to Norman.

In Norman, we stopped to see Jim at work. I didn’t have any idea where his work was and we circled the block once before stopping for directions… I was trying to be a boy and not ask… We stopped in and saw him (and Yesh too). It was very nice to see him as friends instead of as a love interest. I can deal with Jim as friend, I think. He is so goofy, with his bingo obsession! We chatted just briefly with him before he had to get back to work. But not before he told me about the “braclets” we got at Pride… if you know, you know.

We then started the longest part of the drive down to Round Rock. We stopped and ate in Ardmore, stopped for gas in several different places, but we generally just drove. Now, here we are… in Round Rock. David isn’t here… But I can still visit with/see Travis. We have some brief plans tomorrow, so hopefully we can fill it in with fun stuff. Lori, David, and I are planning on going out. I really wish Travis and Sandra would come with, but at least we can talk behind their backs this way… hehe.

Having a lot more fun than working!

Children:
I really think that Jes should listen only to herself in choosing the name of her children. She was talked out of Felix Doyle once before, but has her heart set on it again. She needs to ignore everyone else and just do it! Felix Fuchs is fun anyway!

Conner and KC are the best kids ever!

Questions: (1:50 a.m.)
I just came back inside from lying on the driveway watching the stars float ever upward — and never moving. I watched and smoked and realized that I am happy.

Lori asked me about my friendship with Travis before we got to his house. I was left with a question, which I maybe should have asked then (she wants me to talk about me more, which I am not accustomed to doing). Why are Travis & I friends? Furthermore, why am I friends with anyone else? I suppose I have a good answer in some cases. I helped Justin through his mental illness struggles. Robby and I are young gay men who have a lot in common. Lori and I work together and have mutual tastes as far as work goes. From there, we are able to share similar musings on family with one another. But Travis? JD? Jess? Shauna? James? Brent? (yes, he is my brother, but also my friend) Why? I don’t know.

Maybe we need no reason. Maybe it is about nothing more than acceptance of who we are by another human being. But I am not friends with so many people who would or are accepting of who I am fully. It occurs to me that not only do I have no reason, but I am not sure there is one. I feel at home around Travis. I just like him. And he has flaws… flaws that would bother me if he was someone else. I just was thinking. I might go back out there later if I don’t stop thinking about it.

G:
After visiting her in the cemetary, I purchased a turqiose ring, which I am wearing right now. It really makes me think of her and miss her like crazy. She used to have small bits of turqoise that she kept on one of her bookends. The bookends were shaped like canoes with people in them. From there, I think about her house and how I miss it.

Featured Image Art: photo of Western Motel, Sayre, OK

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Jim (yes, more about Jim):
I have had a lot of time to think about all the goings-on. I think it is quite amazing that he is so sure of himself. I really admire that. I think we will get along great as friends and hope we stay in each others lives for a very long time.

Lori:
I BLEW-UP at Lori this morning. It was all silly. I was just frustrated with the Jim situation, not to mention had very little sleep. I was upset and Travis was up so he was my shoulder. I feel bad now. I stormed out of Lori’s saying things I won’t repeat, peeled out of the parking lot and drove to work… I was so upset. And I know Lori is unhappy about some things sometimes, but I was in no mood for the tone… sorry Lori… Anyway, so then she wouldn’t speak to me all morning (I wouldn’t have either). I think it was nice to release though. I feel a lot better about life in general now.

Expectations:
I have decided to not have any expectations. I would rather just meet friends and if there are sparks, then we can go from there. I found out what trying to force it will do… it was not pretty at all. I want to be that person who just goes with the flow…

Featured Image Art: photo by Jessica Knowlden (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga