By:
On:
With: 1 Comment

I’m feeling a little blah. I don’t think there is any reason for it actually. As soon as I get some batteries for my camera, I will post some pics of my new place. I’ve spent a lot of time working on making it feel like home. I’m still a little lonely here and I’ve been quite tired because of the lack of light, but I think things are really improving. I’ll stop whining about it again.

I finished another great book. The Pirates! In An Adventure with Ahab by Gideon Defoe was just as hilarious as his first book, The Pirates! In An Adventure with Scientists. Read them; they are awesome.

Every time I start to doubt people, they surprise me. I have terrific friends.

I want a boyfriend.Continue Reading

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I’ve been a little down recently. I’m trying not to be.

 

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I was a jerk to David tonight. I was really upset that I wasn’t nice and cried on my way home from his house. I feel a little silly and pathetic. I hope he is okay.

 

It is 3:51 a.m. on Monday. I can’t sleep! I am so hyper and it makes no sense. I have to go pick up Heather tomorrow night and I will be so exhausted when I go. BLAST.

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I am officially over being sad. That’s right, over it. Where has all this sadness gotten me? Tired, fat, unmotivated, uninteresting, bitchy, unfriendly, & bored. I have had it up to here (holding hand up to non-specific head part) with this crap!

I recently told a friend that I was sorry she had to see the me she sees because the one inside is so different. It was misconstrued, but easily. What I meant by that is that regardless of this outward façade, I am a very different person inside. My moods are different, my emotions are different, and yes, my body is different. There is nothing wrong with the way I look, but it isn’t reflective of the real me. I wish people could see the person I know, because that one is who I feel I am. I am sorry that they must settle for this imposter.

So, what am I doing about this? Anyone who has known me for any longer than 5 minutes knows that I lose track of things… forget to do routine tasks. I am famous for losing focus and being often lost out on a far tangent, too stretched away from the point to recover. This is my fatal flaw. But I can do it. It just requires that I write it down. If I can write these things out for a long enough time, I will encompass that next day when I feel motivated to do it again, thereby ensuring that I continue to do these whatevers. But it makes me feel terribly nerdy to refer to lists and schedules in my personal life to accomplish mundane tasks.

Vanity must die.

So, I’ve made the pact with myself. I have gathered advice from the few who were privileged with insights into my deterioration. I am determined to become a new me. Two weeks from now, this pact could be all but forgotten, but at the moment I really want to do this. We’ll see where this all takes me.

Thanks to everyone for being so kind. My life is full of the most generous people I have ever known and I appreciate every one of you.Continue Reading

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

So, I have been rather critical of my current visit with my family. I came home to Stillwater, Oklahoma after having spent the past year in Alaska. I am only here for 2 weeks and had very specific expectations of what this trip would be. Firstly, there would be exuberance and rejoicing over my return. Celebration and merriment would follow and I would enjoy many days of relaxing conversation with my parents at their new home outside of town.

That did not happen. The lack of interest in me once I arrived made me feel severely unneeded. Perhaps it is a blessing to know this. It doesn’t make knowing it any easier to know that my family can exist happily without me. It hurts a little. And this growing pain was something that needed to occur. I realize that I was never going to grow if I considered myself just one of my parents’ children instead of viewing myself as an independant individual, capable of being my own person.

I am capable.

I have only been gone for a year, but is seems like so much longer. Things I never took notice of before, suddenly stick out like bits of bone in the most delicious piece of fish I’ve ever eaten. I want to love it so much, but it just isn’t quite right. Conversely, things I took for granted seem like little blessings that only I seem to be aware of — the price of groceries, the proximity of family, dirt roads — and nobody else is taking notice. I miss this place, but I am happy to not be here at the same time.

My parents have changed. My brothers have changed. And there are small children, ready to take any attention left from whomever is around. It is a chaotic place, full of love and life, but completely unwelcoming to me. Because I wish it was the way it used to be.

Not In Alaska:
I have been enjoying the small pleasures I cannot get in Alaska. Trips: Sonic X2, Whataburger, Wal-Mart Supercenter X2, Wall’s, Bath & Bodyworks. I plan to go to a thrift store & Wall’s today and this weekend I will be going to Target, Bangkok, & hopefully Tuesday Morning and/or Hobby Lobby.

{edit}

Let me make things more clear. I really do love my family. They are the best family I could hope for. They are the most generous, most caring, & most interesting people I know. I was simply disappointed in the state of things in regards to the way I was treated on my returning after a year.

Continue Reading

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Yay!

I have been having the most wonderfully fantastic day today. No reason at all. I just love life today and this all makes me believe that I am becoming my parents, bipolar disorder and all. A customer gave me a verbal award for being the nicest music seller anywhere in town, John (our receiving manager) got me a small gift just to be nice, and Meghan worked with me. She was also in an obnoxiously good mood today. I was just so grand to be alive, even though I was hacking and sneezing all day!!! I am super excited about getting some stuff done tomorrow and then I can relax. I might even turn my heat on! I was waiting until December and it will be December tomorrow.

Being sick doesn’t suck so much today… I will soon be going to Lori’s for some Amazing Race fun. Calm, quiet fun…

Meghan:

Meghan is one of the most wonderful people I know. She is just too much. Avert your eyes anyone who knows me or anyone who knows Meghan… It is just a shame she isn’t a gay boi (*wink wink*) or that she is an employee…(because I am not technically supposed to hang out with her)… I really think she is fantastic!Continue Reading

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Lori:

I do not hate Lori, but I get the feeling that she always thinks that lately. Now, I am sure she knows I don’t really, but I want her to know that I care about her a great deal. It is rather exhausting defending your feelings about someone all the time, which is why I haven’t. It is all okay. I appreciate you. Thanks for keeping an eye on my while I was sick last week.

Weird:

Some things in my life seem weird right now. In particular, my relationship with each of my friends. It all seems messy… if that makes sense.

Jess and I decided to watch movies at Lori’s while she is in Houston. Really, my DVD player is still over there… We also discussed the possibility of carving pumpkins, but I think we reached a consensus that pumpkin carving is not an acceptable activity in someone else’s house. Oh well… Maybe some other time. Speaking of movies, I think I want to see i huckabees.

I realized that Justin leaving may have triggered feelings of breaking up with someone. Maybe that is what happened to my libido, but I simply haven’t cared about sex lately. Justin and I weren’t a couple, but I miss him terribly. I know he and Patrick are very happy though.

Lori is going to be in Houston this week, as I mentioned previously. To her dismay in reading this, this break from constantly seeing her has been nice. I have no specific problem with Lori, but I was too comfortable. I don’t like routine and it had become one. I think I need time to myself much more often than people realize. And they don’t realize what that really means either. Lori, you know I love you…. but I realize you will take this too personally.

Being Alone:

I cannot express how much I value privacy. Often I am seen as secretive or sneaky, but really I just like to keep to myself. My privacy means that I have the right to not answer the phone or want friends to come over. And that is okay. Although I appreciate genuine concern about my well-being when it is warranted, frantic worrying about me just bugs me. If I don’t answer the phone, call someone else. If there is cause for concern, by all means check to make sure I haven’t died. However, I am not obligated to come in contact with somebody every single day. In fact, on days that I want to be alone, stopping by to make sure I am alive kills the day. I want to wake up and fall asleep on that day, having seen nobody. Having talked to nobody. Having spent the day doing Brian things.

Hurt:

My feelings were hurt. I mention it because it happens so infrequently. The person involved here will think that I hate them somehow, but I do not. I was with a friend at a store. I was mentally planning out some Christmas gifts that I could make, picking out fabrics and having them cut when my friend starts in on the fact that I buy fabric and never do anything with it. “I have never even seen you use your sewing machine… and you never buy enough to do anything with… ” I was offended. I think there are some issues here. First, my money and my buying habits are my business and go back to privacy. Secondly, no one wants to hear what a fuck-up they are in any area of life. Mind you, this friend is not the only one to do this to me. Why do people feel a need to cut me down? Am I doing something to them that I don’t realize I am doing?

Justin Things:

I was going through some stuff in my bedroom closet when I ran across some stuff Justin had given me. My favorite is a cheesy picture of a rose… the whole things looks a little WT, but the saying on it makes me cry every time I read it.

I LOVE YOU

You see me as I wish I were.

You hear what I really mean,

And not only what I say;

You always know how I feel.

You help me be a better person.

Bradley Tyler

It is overly sentimental, but it really
made me realize that Justin understood me and why I tried so hard to make his life better. I want so much for him and I am glad that he is happy… finally. I also ran across some of his paintings, which I need to see if he wants. I love them. He painted his emotions… the way people appear in his head. They are all blob heads with sharp teeth. They make me sad because I know they are from years of pain, but they are one of the most honest things in Justin’s life.

Prayers:

Meghan’s mom, Ren’s sister and two nieces.

Also, Lori who is traveling to Houston and John who is traveling out of Houston.Continue Reading