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Sleep:
I slept for 20 hours again. Something is very wrong. Maybe depression. Maybe just fatigue. I seem to never feel tired, but sleep too long when I finally do fall asleep. It is okay, but I am sorry to Lori who was expecting my help today. It wasn’t my intention to sleep all day. Oh well. (by today, I mean Sunday). I feel like I need to catch up, so I am thrilled that I only have 3 shifts to work before I have a week off from work. Maybe I can level out my sleep patterns in that time.

Vacation:
Suddenly there is a lot to do in the small time I have off. I plan on going to Stillwater to see my family on Thursday and Friday. Saturday is Nathan’s 2nd birthday party and I will be going over to James & Shauna’s house for that. Rennie is supposed to be there, which will be great. I really miss all of them and hope we can start communicating more often. I would like to spend a couple of days hanging out and therefore not having any plans to go anywhere. I can do that Sunday and Monday. It should be nice and it all starts when I get off work on Wednesday.

Same Ol’ Story:
My house needs to be cleaned as usual. I wish my mind worked like Lori’s. Her house is always clean and she doesn’t seem to stress too much over it.

Top 10 Stores I Would Shop At If I Had Money (or shop at more):
1. Saks Fifth Avenue
2. Banana Republic
3. IQ Furniture
4. Pottery Barn
5. Urban Outfitters
6. IKEA
7. Vertigo
8. Pier 1
9. Ultimate Electronics
10. Sears

I am generally happy with my financial situation, but if I had the money to shop at these places I would gladly do so. As it is, for what I want they remain mostly out of my range. That is okay though.

Featured Image Art: art by Peter Stanick

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DVD:
I finished season 1 of Ellen (technically These Friends Of Mine). I had forgotten how dramatically the look changed throughout the 13 episodes in that season. Hair, clothes, characters, sets… I don’t think that Anita was given a chance to really shine. Maggie Wheeler is hilarious, but her character had very few opportunities to show it. Holly improves as the season goes by, but should have gotten the axe sooner. I really like Adam though. I am glad he lasts a little longer. It is weird that the only character that makes it through the entire series is Ellen herself. Can’t wait for season 2 in February!!!

Money:
I went to consumer credit counseling. They were not able to help. Apparently, you have to overextend yourself with more places to qualify for help there. I understand it, but I really don’t know what I can do about it. I need $6,000 yesterday and seemingly no way to get it. Blah.

Job #2:
I have not heard back from anyone, but still have some applications to take back. I really want to clear up my life so I can be financially content again.

Featured Image Art: photo by Alfred Kenneally (via Unsplash)

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Weather:
It is so nice out in the evenings lately. I love fall because getting colder is so much more satisfying to me than getting warmer. I can’t wait for winter.

Money:
I am still stressed over the whole issue (and mainly because nothing has changed). I have done well at not spending any money though. Even the Ellen DVD I got today was an exchange from something I purchased in July. I want the money issue to go away, but I know that it won’t just because I ignore it. That may just make it worse. Blah.

Stress:
Stress seems to be going around lately. It was out in full force today, with the exception of Lori. Her moods never seem to follow the normal pattern. Funny girl. There is just so much to do at work that I need to stop and think out a logical sequence or I will never get it all done correctly. It is driving me nuts… nuts, I tell ya. Really, things are fantastic… considering.

Featured Image Art: photo by Matt (via Unsplash)

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The Ends Refuse To Meet!
I think it is official, boys and girls. Brian is going to need a second job. I have really tried to make it without over the past year, putting things off, taking out loans, paying what I could. But in the end, it just seems that I really need more money. Mind you, I don’t like thinking about money as much as this, but I really have no choice.

After refiguring my budget, I discovered that my bills are higher than my current salary, which sucks. I will collect applications this weekend from retail stores near my store and hopefully can make it work somehow. I hate it, but what can you do. I think it will be okay, but I really want to hold on to everything. I have resisted for so long, but now I must grow up.

I would also love to have a roommate again, but that will not happen. My trusty “need-a-place-to-live” friends both have boyfriends now and are living with them. I am happy for them, but I didn’t do a good job of becoming independant before that happened. Blah.

I know there is not way of getting rich quick, but I welcome any ideas on making extra cash in addition to the second job. I don’t want to lose my house over my own stupidity, nor do I want to leave my current job. However, if an opportunity arises and I need to choose between my home and a job I like, I will be forced to leave the company I love. I wish there was an easy answer. Update (Sunday, Sept 26): I applied at Walgreens. I picked up applications for Petco, Ross, Deals, & Joann. Michaels was chaotic and out of apps. I might try Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Old Navy, Petsmart, Kohl’s, Wal-Mart, or a mall store tomorrow. If anyone has information on any of these places, let me know. Thanks.

Friends:
I e-mailed Cindy, Jerry’s sister, yesterday. It was nice to hear from her after so long. She is such a fun person. I hope to get in touch with Jerry again soon. I haven’t heard from him since January and we weren’t in a good place then. I hate all of that and want to just talk again. He really is important to me.

Jessica and I updated her site last night. It was fun and it turned out pretty well. I don’t like writing in CSS as well as I liked HTML, but I think the result makes it worth it to do so. Her page looks nice now. Plus, changes should be pretty easy for her to make.

Justin and I need to discuss the fact that he never calls unless he needs me to check the mail for him. I know he is busy, but c’mon.

Featured Image Art: photo by Towfiqu Barbhuiya (via Unsplash)

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Sad:
I went to Lulu Faboo after work and treated myself to some Deery-Lou stuff (pens, stickers, and a small mirror). Deery-Lou makes me smile. I know, I know, it is a little bit sad.

Sleep:
Although it was glorious, sleeping so long last night was unfortunate because I could have gotten some stuff done. I need some time to start preparing for painting half of the living room. That involves quite a lot reorganizing so that I will have a place to move all of the furniture while I do that. And what do I do with the cats when I paint? I don’t want to board them or lock them in another room, but I may need to.

Money:
Fortunately, I keep talking myself out of spending money. I have stopped ordering so much at work, and the only DVD I want right now is one I am exchanging something for. That makes it cost nothing. I want to be the person who doesn’t buy stuff. **Explanation of the Deery-Lou: yes, it was spending money, but it actually something I had planned for, not just an impulse. That is really what makes it sad. Plus, we are talking about $11.00.

Images: Sanrio character Deery-lou

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Life is too damn complicated!!!
So, it was brought to my attention by way of big orange sticker, that my tag was way expired. I hadn’t really thought to check, since I got the car in December. Oh well… but I had no money to switch the insurance into my name and my parents didn’t want to continue the policy. I really needed to do something. I finally negotiated with my dad for him to go get the new tag, I would pick it up, and I would pay him back.

After work, I rode with Lori home because she offered to take me to Stillwater (an hour away), but she wanted to change clothes first. When I got upstairs, my electricity had been shut off. Apparently, I didn’t pay it last week like I thought. I was so irritated, but I called and paid. Of course it was too late for today.

Lori drove me to Stillwater and we only stayed briefly. On the way, I asked about sleeping at her house. A formality really, as I have fallen asleep there before. We finally got back to Tulsa at 9:45. I was feeling sick again, but this time there was the feeling of vomiting. It didn’t happen.

Back in my dark house, I took a shower by dim candlelight and daydreamed about not having electricity at all. Life would be so different… Went to Lori’s, tried to sleep, tried to sleep, tried to sleep, slept. I woke up unhappy, late, in pain, and with no patience. My illness is not a going away. I feel slightly better, but there is a dull abdominal pain involved now. I think I am fine, but will take care of it when proven wrong. Blah.

Big Brother:
Yay, it is BB5 night!

 

 

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Xanga:
Yay! I fixed my jacked up Windows Media Player… now I can visit xangas with music on them again. It had been locking up my browser. Whew…

I also started a “family friendly” xanga (uncle_bri). I am trying to get my mom interested in this, but don’t need her to read everything I write. I tend to reveal too much on here sometimes.

LiveJournal:
I have finally figured out everything and have come to the same conclusion. It just isn’t as good. More people, but not as good. I did run into someone I know on there. Meghan. Anyway, I am glad to understand it.

Money:
I really don’t want to upset people, but I will with this. My money is mine. I can spend it the way I want, regardless of others impressions of how much money I should have or how much stuff I shouldn’t. I do make mistakes, and I want to be corrected if an obvious oversight has been made, but if I want another DVD, that should be okay. I just feel belittled by constant “mothering.” Blah. At the same time, I don’t mind discussing things, but I think there is a problem when I feel the need to hide things I buy in my own home. Sorry, person who knows they do this. I have been so busy trying to make everyone else’s life easier (parents, brothers, co-workers…) that I left me out and have been miserable for a while now.

Being Miserable:
I started doing it again, and I hate it. Thoughts that need to go away. I haven’t been this uncomfortable being me since high school… and that was terrible. I think I am just feeling that life is purposeless, what with everyone I know dying or having major problems. Life sucks, but the weird thing is that I am in fairly good spirits. I am just apathetic, complacent, drained, and emotionally numb. I hope I have hidden it well, but I guess this pretty much puts it all out there.

I will be fine.

Featured Image Art: unknown comic image

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Money:
I need more. I want so much stuff, but I need more money to get it!

Boys:
I need at least one. For a few reasons — you can figure them out!

Me:
I want to look like one of the boys that I want. I like me and want to look like I feel inside…

Featured Image Art: detail of Gay Men’s Health safe sex poster

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Writing:
This is what I wrote the other day at work (while not working!!!). I think I like them… I hope you all do too. I will try and post more poetry in the future, but on a different site. That way you will only get it if you want it! Let me know what you think of these.

Meghan’s DVDs

Staring at the overly-ordered shelves
I wish vacation had never ended and
long for the next one to begin

This excessive order often makes me angry
a kind of unnecessary anger over order
that I cannot create myself

Today it is a relief from the chaos
it might have been
and I know I should thank Meghan
(the girl ripped from an Italian fashion magazine)
this order is hers

For now I am still thinking about past and future
ventures away from here
longing to escape the present
and I am still mesmerized by the intensity
of uniformity
of unclutteredness
of space

7.15.2004

Six Thoughts On Being

I
I let myself get sunburned again,
like I do every year.
This is a lesson I may never learn.

II
How strange a new hole seems
when it’s tender and swollen.
And how difficult it is to not
have it filled once it has healed.

III
Turquoise makes me sad
because my grandmother is dead.

IV
It would have been nice to have
been Frank O’Hara — to have written
those things and to be remembered.
But I don’t own a typewriter and
I just realized that I am not sad.
And look! Words.

V
I need more Texas and more sleep
and I miss my mother, who I haven’t seen
in three months. I hate North Carolina.

VI
I want something beautiful
tattooed on my arm
and I want a joint.
I want the sweetness
of something intoxicating
to fill my lungs
and make me feel alive.
Even now I can taste
that distant memory
and crave it.

7.15.2004

Money:
Yeah, so I have been purchasing too much (as usual). How many t-shirts do I really need? I just bought 8 and I bought 6ish before my vacation last week!!! Good Lord, I am an idiot.

Work:
I very much get frustrated by being a manager. There are some awesome people that I would like to hang out with, but can’t because they are my employees (Meghan, Jill, Sarah…)… damn. Oh well… It is weird because I am usually so okay with it. Blah!

Friends:
I have the best friends ever! Yay.

Featured Image Art: photo of Frank O’Hara reading his poetry

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Vacation:
I’m trying to solidify plans with everyone. I haven’t heard from Jim. I did talk to my dad though. Yay! I am doing a happy dance as I type this… Woo hoo. What I would really like to do is have a ton of money drop from the sky and into my house so I could make this vacation a little longer… I am just so sick of work right now… Ug.

Sleep:
Maybe nothing is wrong with my sleep cycle. Maybe it is just different. Yeah, that’s it… Of course. I slept until 4 today… Ridiculous. I had/have too much to do to waste my life sleeping. I was on the phone with Robby last night for 3 HOURS & 40 MINUTES! My ear still hurts. That is so unusual for me — I hate being on the phone, but it was nice. And I blame the call for my lack of sleep last night. As if this is the first time…

Drink:
Sonic Strawberry Limades really are one of the best things on the planet! They make me very happy.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian

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Family:
I finally decided to come out to my cousin, Becky. She is really one of two people I haven’t told since coming out to my friends in 1997. She means a lot to me and I really think that it will devastate me should I ever lose her respect and friendship. Over the past few years I have started to tell her on a number of occasions, but have always chickened out. I must now do this, as the secrecy is pulling us further apart. I will keep you posted on what happens. I told her best friend, a coworker of mine, but she already knew. *Click here for he letter I sent to Becky*

Friends:
Nobody understands me. Not that it is anyone’s fault but my own, but I feel like people treat me like the wallflower who likes being that way. Sometimes I do. But what my friends do not get is that I take a long time to warm up to people (weeks, months, years sometimes). They all end up giving up on me. I have stories, thoughts, opinions, concerns. It just feels to me like it all has to be about everyone else all the time.

Possibilities:
This is what I wrote to the guy I am into that made him want to meet me(I had said his recklessness was sexy; he questioned it):

“Sexy? Certainly… There is a boyish charm… a carelessness that reminds me of boys I’ve loved, dreamed of loving. There is a certain nostalgia that lives in you. The memory of bicycles, summer afternoons, snowcones, and friends you seemed to only know then because they were from the neighborhood. There is an impetuous nature that causes memories of things that have not yet happened. I can picture the impulsive way I’d be kissed or my hand grabbed and we’d run through a field for no reason other than the act itself. And how I would bring breakfast in bed because someone won’t listen and hurt himself… again! And I would nurse your wound, which would hurt longer because you’d want to be taken care of. And I’d be woken up at 3:00 a.m. some January night to be dragged outside to dance in the falling snow. Yes, it is sexy.”

Just wanted to share that because I was proud of it. Plus it is all true. I tried to write a poem about the same thing while I was on lunch today at work. I am still blocked. I have decided to rejoin pathetic.org. I will post a link when it is up.

Money:
I need to stop spending money. I am so scared of financial things right now. I would have been more vague about that if I could.

Me:
Big Friday plans: Haircut, clothes shopping (if I don’t have anything suitable for Saturday & Sunday), dinner with Dad & Lori, call Mom, call the guy, watch Six Feet Under Season 1, Disc 2. Big day. I may have caused a bit of a rift between myself and a good friend because of my funk. I hope he doesn’t hate me. And I hope I can learn to not hate his boyfriend (I am not there at this point). Forgive me T.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian & Becky

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Life:
Sometimes life isn’t fair. Justin just called me because his cell phone bill needs to be paid.

Let me fill you in: Justin is my friend and roommate and one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. But he is schizophrenic and socially phobic. There is quite a bit he doesn’t understand or handle correctly in the world. Because of these problems, I am in charge of his finances. Justin has spent the last six years (the time I have known him) in and out of mental facilities, on and off medications, and in various states of self control. I have never seen him as well as he is right now. But that didn’t change everything, and I was stupid to think it would.

A woman called from the cell phone company to tell him the payment was late. He was supposed to get a check from me and pay it, but both of us forgot. He explained to her that he didn’t realize it was late because he had recently switch his plan, but would get it paid. Knowing Justin as I do, that is exactly how it went. He doesn’t exaggerate or embelish stories. The woman on the phone told him that he had been with the company for 3 years so he knew when his bill was due and obviously he liked to pay his bill every 2 months. True. I know I shouldn’t but I tend to wait for 2 months worth before paying. I should stop that.

Anyway, Justin is actually not upset with her (I would be). He is upset that he was unable to handle it. He was upset that when he called back to complain, they didn’t seem to care. He was upset because he isn’t normal. Again, life: not fair. And poor Justin gets takes a lot from a world that doesn’t accept him on any level. He really is special.

Featured Image Art: photo of a desk phone by Le Huynh Bo (via Wikimedia Commons)

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Money:
I have got to learn how to stop spending — and I thought putting all my money into the bank would help!!!! NO! I can’t figure out how I spend all of my money when my expenses are so low. How? Anyone have good advice for getting out from under paycheck-to-paycheck living?

Family:
I am starting to get excited about my brother’s new baby… I can’t wait. They are expecting a Thanksgiving baby… That would be a cool holiday treat.

Featured Image Art: photo by Pawel Czerwinski (via Unsplash) (altered)

originally posted on Xanga