I should be sleeping, but I find myself up thinking about getting old, or maybe just death. I am a little blue, but I know that I am not alone. I so desperately wish I could be alone in this sometimes. A friend e-mailed me the other day to tell me that his paternal grandpa and his maternal grandma are both in poor health. Very poor. It breaks my heart that he is dealing with the things I have struggled with. Honestly, this friend has had more than his fair share of struggles in his life. I want to give him a big hug.

Papa isn’t doing that well… it makes me feel guilty and sad. I am not sure I could handle anything happening to him right now. It would tear me up. He has back problems, which are not serious, but he has started feeling old, which is worse.

When John died, I has hoped that I would never deal with death again, knowing that was stupid… I just don’t know what I have left. I already do a great deal of pushing people away. More abandonment might cause a great break down. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I know that Papa isn’t doing that well, so I have visited less. It doesn’t help that the house makes me sad because Mimi should be there. Age is such a cruel joke. If you can make it through this life, you will be rewarded with death. How much sense does that make. I wish we didn’t get old – I don’t necessarily mind aging per se, but I don’t want people to die.

I hope Travis understands how much I love him and I will keep his family in my thoughts and prayers. I have so many thoughts in my head, but I am so tired that I will have to come back to them when I am not fighting with my sleep.

Featured Image Art: photo by George Hoza (via Unsplash)

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