I finally put myself out there… to no avail, but still… I did it. I need some gay friends. I love my friends so much, but they aren’t the same. There is something quite nice about sitting with a group of gay guys chatting about whatever. We even got to coming out stories. We could relate on a very personal level. I can’t say that about most of my friends. I don’t relate with them much — sometimes that is why we are friends. Jason was right… it would be wonderful to make a little gay family because that is what it feels like. I feel like I am around close family members, even around total strangers. They just need to be gay men around my age. That makes almost no sense, but… I know what I mean.

(Jim: I would not presume to tell you how to live your life. This is purely my own thoughts). I really don’t want to offend him because I enjoyed him so much. I would love to be around him and his friends all the time. However, Jim doesn’t seem to know what he wants right now. I wish it was me; I wish it was a relationship. I really am not sure that it is. And maybe it was easy to slip into “slut” mode. His friends weren’t helpful at all though. I really wanted it to be more than it seemed to be. It was nice, but not much like a date. I started to let it confirm my feeling that I am repulsive, but decided to just look at it as an issue Jim is having. I am fully open to hanging out with him, but I really hope that he sees more in time. I am not like all the others. I really wanted to know more about Jim. More about his family, his opinions, his life. He is very attractive, but that isn’t why I drove an hour and a half to meet him. I am interested in him, and I really hope he decides to open up. He is one of the sweetest people ever; someone who can’t say no (he might change what is happening, but he doesn’t really say no). I liked him. But it is all in vain if he knows he will never feel the same way. I know it is silly to expect anything this soon, so I will continue talking to him and hopefully going to see him. If nothing else, I hope I have landed some wonderful new friends. I already miss them. Jim loves music so much and I love that.

I don’t want to go to work after such a great weekend.

Featured Image Art: photo by torn bluejeans (via PNG Tree)

originally posted on Xanga

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