I am fairly okay with having very little. I’ve never equated money with happiness… most of the time anyway. But money not equaling happiness has not kept a lack of money from equaling unhappiness. It’s true. I have recently found myself very poor indeed — learning the same lessons I learned five years ago. The difference is that I didn’t need to learn them again. I already knew that the systems in place keep the poor from overcoming their poverty. I am fully aware that the more money you have, the easier it is to get money. This is the American economic system at work. What I didn’t bank on was my own personal will driving me into a state that is increasingly difficult to rise above.

I moved to Alaska with fairly small dreams actually. I didn’t want to do anything grand — I just wanted to be here in this place. It really does make me happy. But not having big dreams, I have had to rely on the small pay of the retail world to get by. That can be difficult, but I had family to give me a roof over my head when I needed it. That situation ended and I am staying with a friend, but have to figure out how to live again soon. I had quit my full time job and was relying on part time to get me by. This week, I start my full time position at Michaels. I need it. Since David was promoted, I am being required to move by Christmas or risk losing my new position and being sent to the old store… and I know David wants his space. It was very generous of him to take me in.

But how can I do that reasonably? I have tossed around the idea/plan of getting a place with Heather & Jake. I don’t know if that is a great idea, given what different places in our lives we are all in, but it is a financially responsible way of going about things. The requirements are vastly different though. I like a neighborhood that is alive and colorful, rather than a quiet community of strangers. How can we all be happy together? My other option is to apply for low income housing at one of the apartment complexes in town. It is a relatively private place, but has a lot of character in its own right. I am not too proud to seek that kind of assistance, but then I would feel like I am betraying my good friends who are looking for somewhere new to live.

I am tired all the time. I think the things going on recently have affected me more than I was ready to admit. I need a second job, but don’t want to give up so much of my freedom. I probably will have little choice in the end. I can’t just not look for a job. It is vital that I do so I can have the necessary money to get a new apartment.

The gym. The whole idea is so daunting now. I love my gym time, but haven’t gone is so long because of various circumstances. I want to start over, go frequently, and push myself harder. I felt better and happier when I was going 6 days a week. I am over being fat. I hate going to buy pants and being limited to certain stores because so many don’t make the right size. And even those that have the correct waist are insultingly large in the leg, making me seem much larger than I actually am. And finding the right length is hard too. I have similar issues with shirts. I am just over being in this body because I feel like a different person inside. I’d like to take time to uncover that person.

Featured Image Art: János Hajnal, “VOLPI” (1964)

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