I am worried about my mother lately. My dad called and asked if I could come over tomorrow because he doesn’t want her to be alone, but I can’t and I feel bad about it. I am trying hard to understand empty nest syndrome — I just can’t get it. She is depressed because we had to leave — that I understand. What I don’t get is how it has driven her mad. Not totally, mind you, but a little at least. I hope she’ll get better in time. I do love her so much. I have dreams — horrible, awful dreams — of her dying or leaving. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t. I love her too much.

I like work I really do — I got sorta bitched at by my manager. I have a good rapport with him, but he does have to yell when I am flaky. What I find hardest about him doing this is he is what I want to be. He has everything I don’t and I think he is beautiful. I am trying… really… because he asked me to. It’ll be good. I hate how often I think of him. I’m not obsessed with him. I am more obsessed with him as a concept — as something I aspire to be. I just don’t know how to get there and I am at the point of asking him, as embarassing as it would be. Maybe he will be appropriately flattered and I won’t have to worry about him judging me. Maybe I won’t tell him… We’ll see.

I am so thrilled to be in something where people are active in responding to others. Thanks for that.

Featured Image Art: photo by Laura Ockel (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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