Cold Betrayal
on being stranded in Alaska

January had been full of
animal dinners and parties
when sadness was setting in
and Lori left suddenly after
and exchange of anger-charged words

I was lost during those cold weeks
that followed and couldn’t keep up
Life rushed by and stood still

I know about the carefully discarded
cigarette butts in bottles of soda
and the mornings of coffee and romance
empty mornings and safe

I had days when I didn’t eat
that spring and the cheap dinners
of tasteless noodles seemed
heavenly after

The pain doesn’t last and Justin
stayed with me until I wasn’t unhappy
anymore which was a long time
Then he went home to his life and
left me to forge my new life from
this strange place

Sometimes I want to forget Lori’s face
but I keep getting it stuck in my head
I had a dream with hundreds of hens
flocking around me and
they all screamed Lori’s name
and I realized that I still love her

despite not being able to hold on enough
to keep her near me
I am floating above this frozen place
this city of refugees lumped together
from many corners of other places

I don’t care anymore about knowing about the
coffee and the cigarettes and the novels
it doesn’t matter that people are happy when
I can’t decide what would make me happy
but I wish the hens would stop reminding me

Brian Fuchs 2 April 2007

I don’t know where I intended to go with this. It feels unfinished somehow. Maybe such emotional things are more difficult to write about than trivial bits of life. I don’t really know. I do know that this wouldn’t even have been written if it hadn’t been for Travis, who kindly reminded me that a writer writes… everday. Thank you, Travis.

It is sometimes hard for me to keep up with anything routine. I am just wired to forget, but I really appreciate anyone who gives me new material, reminds me to write, or inquires about my writing. It is one of the important things in my life and knowing others care is a big part of keeping with it. I have been less successful with it in the past, but I do intend to keep up here. With that said, anyone who reads should feel free to nag me endlessly if it seems I am not keeping up with this.

If Lori reads this (or any of Lori’s peeps), I hope it is understood that I don’t harbor any hard feelings. I was thinking about her today, as it is her birthday and remembered the feeling of her not being around when it was still new for me. I wish Lori the best and hope she has a great birthday today.

Featured Image Art: Artem Misyuk, Illustrations to the collection of poems by Borovets A (6)

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