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It was Cinco de Mayo 1991 when I decided to be baptized. My brother and I made our request together, saying in effect that we bought what we had been sold. We believed that Jesus was not only the son of God, but that he’d died for us. I was 11. Brent was 12. And I really did believe it, I still do. It’s a fundamental part of one’s growth in a Protestant church. And I appreciate the message that your relationship is a decision you make and not something thrust upon you as an infant. What I didn’t know at the time was that I spend my adult life feeling like my baptism was something I need to apologize for.

I don’t know where the shame came from. I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I’m glad to have my faith and think it often affects who I am and what I do in my life. But the world we live in has become increasingly tolerant for all types of faith and belief with the exception of Protestant Christianity. No, for us there is increasing skepticism. I keep my Christianity quiet in most cases, but when people find out there is often the raised eyebrow and a look on their face that seems to ask “how can a rational person buy into that?” I’m sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’m gay and with the televangelists who claim to speak for God (they speak only for themselves). There are plenty of things that are off-putting about Christianity as it is practiced by so many ignorant Americans.

I’m not going to explain what I believe here. It is complicated, as I think it should be. If your faith is simple, you’ve missed something. There is far too much to consider to blindly follow or never question yourself.

“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde

I struggle with that and this whole Christianity issue is only a small part of that. I have to be unapologetic about being who I am… fully who I am. And I hope others can learn to do that for themselves too. I don’t just think it takes all sorts of people to make this world interesting, I love that it does. This world would be so boring if we were all the same.

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It’s been hard to not feel sad today. It was Thanksgiving of last year when everything seemed to be starting, but that wound up being the beginning of the end of such important things.

A Year and a Half

That love had teetered so long;
the old one was fed up and pushed it over
onto the ground, where it broke into chunks.
Instantly, it felt dead and we gathered around
sick to our stomachs and wondering how
to put the pieces back together.
Our attempts kept failing,
weird versions of what seemed familiar
rising from our efforts.
Parts seemed missing or no longer fit
the way it seemed they should.
A family died that day.

It’ll never have felt like quite enough
when I try to remember it years from now.
Things will start to seem silly and the memory
of two beautiful people will haunt me
when I’m still watching TV on Saturday nights.

8.25.2009

But life goes on. New faces have replaced the familiar ones. It isn’t the same; it’s frequently upsetting. That does not make these new circumstances bad ones. I know I keep going on about my awkward friendship with someone I love so much, but it is because I don’t accept it. I refuse. The weirdness needs to end soon.

I’m thankful to be me today. I don’t think I would want to be anybody else. Being me may mean that I remain lonely and alone for a while longer, even for a long time, but I’m still glad I’m me. I wish I could be the person who certain people wanted, but that is more of a change I’d like to see with them than it is with me.

I’m thankful for friends today. There are so many beautiful people in my life. I’m really blessed.

I’m thankful for family today. I complain endlessly about them, but those complaints come from such love. I miss them everyday. I’m so fortunate to have come from a family like mine.

I’m thankful for a lot of things today. I cannot imagine being in another time or place right now. Even when things aren’t going perfectly, maybe especially then, life just seems to suit me. It is all good.

I was invited to so many wonderful celebrations for the holidays. I’m sad that I was unable to attend them. Kevin & Kerith opened their home to friends and I hope it was a magical experience. I was not free for the soirée, but hope I can make it to their place in the future. They both make me feel so small; they radiate goodness. Heather had another fête at her home. They are so frequent, but I end up feeling so awkward. I don’t like feeling out of place. I love the ones who attend these parties though. Perhaps I should get over it.

I hope everyone had a warm Thanksgiving surrounded by love and loved ones. If you are doing some shopping in the morning, please shop safely. Hugs to everyone.

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Dad survived Tuesday, which is a monumental blessing.

Life’s funny sometimes.

Scarcity has been a great necessity. I had started to feel dried up like a squid snack.

Kerith is pretty awesome. Kevin is lucky. Kevin is also pretty awesome. Kerith is lucky.

I have a friend who I miss terribly. I think I’d developed a crush. Maybe distance was important. That doesn’t make me feel better about things.

My niece is Yoda.

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Hooray for Heather! She has some of my all time favorite arms, which we were graced with daily when I worked with her selling books and coffee to people who I couldn’t stand. And Heather almost always smells pretty. Way to be awesome, little Heather.

Other stuff worth mentioning:

•My computer died. I’m using an even more ancient one. Dreadful!

•I have a tire on my car that requires air twice a day and a bank account incapable of supporting the purchase of a new tire. I’ve been cranky about it today.

•Earlier today, I had a Totino’s pizza. Say what you will about them, I still love them. They do make my house smell gross for a great many hours after though.

•I have so many ideas in my head I might just explode. If I do this over a notebook, maybe some of them will live on. I am trying to make this super collision of three different genres. I really should focus on my book.

•I was cranky with David and now I feel bad about it. Like I said, the tire. But also I’ve been really tired and my back has been hurting. I’m really not in a bad mood though.

•I miss last year. I want Daniel to be happy. I miss Daniel this week. I think it is better that I took a break from him. I think my feelings had taken a wrong turn. I don’t want to mess things up by being me about him.

•I really do enjoy drinking tea.

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August was rough. I hope September is better.

I want to do some basic bookmaking. I was thinking a journal or small scrapbook type. The stitching looks confusing, but all the sites I’ve looked at claim it is easier than it seems to be.

I’m looking forward to the cold again. The air has been hinting at fall here.

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a story with no moral
for the sparrows in my life

Once upon a time, there were four little sparrows. Each of them had become lost, so they gave up their quests to find home and found one another. And they were very happy. They’d play together high in the trees, chirping contently. They’d eat with each other, sharing whatever they had when one of the others didn’t have enough. And they’d relax as a group, enjoying the company of friends after a long day. Two and Four were particularly close and shared a nest. These little sparrows would perform synchronized tricks in the air and had become so much as one that the other two didn’t even think of them as separate anymore. But one day, Two chirped angrily at Four, shooing his from his home. Four became so sad that One puffed out his chest and came to his aid, but that only made things worse. Two still had feelings and now they were hurt. He left his own nest reluctantly. One was hurt that Two had left, but Four was still sad and One felt his duty was to stick by his side. Through all of this, Three sat dumbstruck in his own home, waiting for the anger to pass. He didn’t want to see any of his friends sad, but he was powerless to do anything. Broken and lost, Two took shelter at Three’s house until he made a new nest for himself. One and Four had trouble understanding, but Three hoped they’d know he would still remain friends with them too.

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I’m over being cranky. It was a rather long day yesterday and I’ve decided to just move on. I turned 30 this morning, rolling around half awake in bed. I hear from so many that this is when life gets good; I hope that is true. I really do believe it too.

It seems that people do a lot of reflection on their lives at these milestones. I’ve done none of that. Perhaps I will eventually.

Today is nice. It is rainy, in the 50s, and largely uneventful. Thanks you to those who sent me birthday wishes. I appreciate it.

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I kinda wanted the world to care about my birthday. But apparently, I’m not even allowed to be selfish for that. I’m sure this is teaching me some sort of life lesson, but I don’t care honestly. I’m turning 30 and can’t get anyone to notice. My parents will call. A few friends will probably call, but I’m being hugely reminded that I am only ever at the back of people’s minds.

And I’m tired of throwing parties for myself… even if it is the only way to get the people I love together.

I’m cranky.

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Yep, I’m rather sad this week. I wish the crap would hold so I could celebrate turning 30. Did you catch that Life? Let me be happy for a least a week longer. It is probably just me coming off the high of having been on vacation. Or maybe not. Whatever it is, I don’t care for it.

Hugs. Big giant hugs to those in need of big giant hugs. I love you and I’m praying for things to work out.

Happier thoughts when my weekend starts.

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I met new people and got to spend time with some of my favorites on my vacation this year. If I had to list all the people I love in the world, the list would be as thick as a phone book. Here are some highlights based on my trip back home.

Mom: Tied with my dad as my all time favorite people, I miss her a lot. It makes me sad when I have to go home because I can see how much it hurts her. I don’t want to be the one who causes hurt, but I love my life. I hope she knows how much I love her. One day, she’ll visit Alaska and stay with me. That is going to be so much fun.

Dad: When do parents become friends. I don’t remember that transition as a markable event. I’m glad it has happened though. I think it incredibly important to become friends with your parents. My dad is one of my best. I worry about him, I worry about becoming him, and I worry that I’ll never become him enough. It’s weird.

Annie: What a gorgeous and kind lady she has become. I suppose I always knew that she was on that path; it hardly surprised me. I don’t know what I did to deserve such an amazing member of my family.

Opie: Annie’s older brother is also becoming an incredible person. His path has seemed a bit rockier, but he will get there and sooner than we all thought. I was delighted by him. He will achieve such greatness without any effort.

Stan: Good people come from good parents. Opie and Annie really reflect the best qualities of my uncle. There have been issues. There are still issues, but he is trying. He is a good man and I know that he is capable of anything. His generosity was remarkable during my time down. One day we’ll see the darkest parts as a distant memory that doesn’t seem so real. I may never see eye to eye with him on everything, but I will always feel strongly connected to him.

Michael: Oh, Uncle Mikey! Thank you for putting up with Stan! I’m so happy to know you and appreciate everything you do. You’ve brought out the best in Stan and really made me want to find the love you two have. Thank you for being so awesome.

Brent & Bradley: My brothers. God never gives us more than we can handle. I believe that, but if it makes you feel better you can always rephrase it. We are capable of anything. ANYTHING! I am so blessed to have two wonderful people as brothers. There are issues to sort out. Anger to smooth down into peace, but it isn’t impossible. These struggles will only turn good people into great people, shape them into who they’ve always been, but even better. I want so badly for richly fulfilled lives for both Brent and Brad.

Conner, KC, Jason, Avery: These kids are going to be awesome adults. I hate being so far away while they grow up. If I can’t connect with them right now, one day I hope we can be as close as I am with Stan, my uncle.

David & Daniel: It’s sappy. I realize how silly it seems! But it is no less true. I really missed these guys while I was Outside. My words are not enough to express how much I love them.

Christine: It is wrong that I see you as a sort of Vaudeville performer… a sort of Jack of all trades performance artist whose next show will surprise and dazzle the astonished onlookers? If you want to be Winnie the Pooh, then live that dream. So few people seek it out and do it. You’ve got the balls to do what you want with your life and you’ve found your perfect other half to create that life with. Nothing is never going to be boring for you and I envy that.

Jay Brannan: I got to meet one of my favorite musical artists. It was surreal. I remember that evening like I was surrounded by a paralyzing fog. I’ve been trying to sort out if it actually happened or not, but the photos make me think it might really have. I was blown away by his concert, his beauty, and his personality.

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I’m home from my vacation, which would normally require a “finally.” This time is different though. Finally doesn’t fit. It isn’t that I don’t want to be here; I love my home and my life here. It seems natural to be here and nothing about my vacation requires rest to get over. I just felt so much a part of what was going on in my family. The drama of individual lives was going on around us and yet we still seemed held together — a family. Maybe that requires age, maybe it requires distance. Something just felt magical about my visit. Something I cannot quite put into words.

My vacation was timed to coincide with my cousin’s wedding — a favorite cousin, a friend, a remarkable person whose love is one of joy that can make your heart skip a beat. I could not have stood to not be there for her on such a special day. Her husband, I’ve discovered is so perfect for her. The half she had been missing. What Becky wanted for her wedding was a feeling of family. My branch of the family brought our unique gifts. My older brother, a professional photographer, did what he does best. My younger brother took care of the candid shots, the “real life” shots. He perhaps represented us more than anyone else, being able to sit and visit through much of the reception. My parents and I were the reception, my mom specifically coordinating people and my dad coordinating food and decor. I kept with them, fixing the cake after it had been smashed a bit in the car. It was to be all white with flowers on top, but I wreathed the lowest level in fresh red roses and strawberries, making sure to place a rose in each thumb print left by another person trying to push the cake back into position. It turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself. I also worked as my dad’s staff, putting trays of food where he said, moving crockpots to where he said to move them, retrieving what needed to be retrieved. While my dad and I had so much work to do that we didn’t get to see the ceremony, it feels worth it to me. I enjoyed the day greatly. There were a lot of people involved beyond us. I didn’t know many of these people and didn’t really have time to get to know them, but it was evident that family was the most important part of her day. That night, we slept very well.

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Money isn’t everything

I think it is okay to be content with things the way they are.

My point is that there seems to be so much emphasis on obtaining something more, that people aren’t encouraged to live in the moment. Why is it that the importance of living in the moment is something one is supposed to come to in the middle of life? It is a lesson we should be teaching our children, fostering in the young, and embracing fully as a society. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t dream, shouldn’t aspire to become fully ourselves, but it should mean that being who we at this moment should be okay at times. It should mean that being happy with your place in life shouldn’t be ridiculed.

I hate the pressure to “succeed,” a term I’ve discovered only means amassing as much money as possible. I don’t really care for money. It is divisive and fleeting and has no concrete meaning. It does not equal success to me. That isn’t to say I’d turn more down, but it shouldn’t be my only goal. I’d much rather strive for contentment. I think that causes concern for those whose lives have been much more monetarily driven than my own. Working in a bookstore will never stack up to whatever “potential” they’ve seen in me. Never mind my happiness in working in a place surrounded by literature or the fact that that job simply pays the bills while I write (a job that is almost universally unpaid). To me, it isn’t about having the material things or even the security of money in the bank. It is about living my life the way that feels the most fitting. Right now, I can honestly say it just feels nice to be me. And that cannot mean that I’ve failed to succeed.

Separate But Equal

I’ve said it so many times: a couple does not need to be around one another constantly to remain together. In fact, I think that is the mistake that so many make. Granted, I’ve been single for 30 years now and that doesn’t necessarily qualify me to advise anyone on relationships. However, my parents set such an excellent example of how to be together and stay in love that I freely offer advice based on their experience.

I feel like each person should have his/her own friends. If you love to go to the park, don’t force your partner who hates going to go with you. But don’t deny yourself either. A couple is not a fused unit incapable of being apart. It is two individuals, with the thoughts and beliefs and dreams of two distinct people who find that they always want to be in the company of one another. My parents, being my prime example, have done so well at this that they make it seem effortless. Each of them has hobbies, friends, places they like to go. And they don’t always go together. They’ve vacationed separately even, but always come back to one another. They are truly two individuals who are always drawn together. Tethered, but not fused.

Everyone is able to find this. What destroys this, or prevents it, is jealousy and suspicion. It isn’t even remotely possible when there isn’t trust. But the real key to holding on to someone is respect. If you cannot show any other form of kindness towards someone, show them respect. I have seen friends who do all of these things well and those who struggle with them. Struggling is not failure, but not realizing the struggle might be. I just want everyone to be happy.

I don’t really know why I’m on these tangents. I’m not even sure where they are going. I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

Oklahoma/Texas bound

I’m looking forward to my vacation, but still feel like I have too much to do before I leave. It is really overwhelming. Despite the efforts of those around me, I’ve have really attached myself to this Alaska and hope I can continue carving out my life here. If I find the winds shifting, I’ll gladly go where they take me, but for now I’ll be content with my life. Distance can be painful, especially with children who seem to grow up too fast, but I cannot deny myself a life I love over it. Family may be the most important thing there is, but I know they love me just as much 4,000 miles away.

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I’m feeling 30 getting closer. I cannot sleep, I cannot hold onto my hair, and Rockstars equal life. I like being me, mostly, and I am really hoping that I have a really beautiful decade. It seems moments away. Meanwhile, my trip back home feels almost over before it has started. Time off is past due, as I’ve complained about recently. I do not look forward to the heat, but I do look forward to the rest. And I miss my family.

I’m reading a book about an older gentleman who I kinda wish I could become, but becoming him would mean a lifetime of being alone. Perhaps I need to concentrate on just being the best me I can be and stop romanticizing what it would be like to be a dreamy old man who is easily duped. Still, I like the idea of it.

I want to go to Iceland. The importance of money is apparent when there are dreams begging for a chance to be fulfilled. Oh, Iceland. And France. And India… and… ….

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Wow! I excel at procrastination. It is a terrible, terrible problem that needs to just stop. A week from now, I’ll be on my vacation. I’ll have just arrived in Dallas after a full day of flying. I’ll be quite thankful to be away. While I already dread not being near a computer everyday, a break will probably be good for me too.

Before I leave, I must get my house cleaned up, figure out what I’m taking with me, finish up a couple of projects, and pop a few things in the mail. It doesn’t seem like much, but also doesn’t seem like something I really need to keep putting off getting finished.

Okay, off too it then!

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Seahorses

A seahorse struggles to hold life, gasping for water
as it dies, wriggling into the position it will dry into.
Agony for the sake of amusement. A carcass is worth
the smile on the face of a child who will pick at the bits
left in the bony-plated shell of now peaceful being.

We contort into positions that seem unnatural,
drying out in the forty years to hold onto life.
Our fragile bodies are thirsty and becoming rigid
as the important few decide how human we are.

America, the land of those whose voices don’t frighten
the small-minded into recruiting toddlers to fight
the great injustices of equality and tolerance.
The little hands hold the hatred in words they cannot yet read,
and the seeming importance of what they are doing shows
on bright and happy faces. They aren’t the evil they spread.

Our bodies are labeled for easy identification,
classified and sorted so the yokels will know where to direct
hate and whose livelihoods are free to destroy.
Hate never stands a chance against love;
those of us who’ve bathed ourselves in this goodness of life
are catching they eyes of the sympathetic.
Hate is sitting on rather shaky ground.

The heroes haven’t all made it through,
drying out at the hands of assassins or themselves,
future great leaders struck down in youth
by the oppression of a nation plagued with fear.
They are the fuel of our passion, the fire driving us
to keep searching for a little more to drink.

The arms are starting to open up, to take us in.
Bodies are too numerous to count, the toll is high.
War is ugly, but the fallen find great honor in victory.
None will be forgotten as we start to find our new America,
falling safely into the comfort of new friends.

Carcasses won’t be on display anymore, the animals
will have been put back into the water, into their homes.
Christopher Street will remain peaceful, the rage
we still feel fading into history. We will know only trust.
The sun of that day is just throwing light across the horizon
and perhaps our children will finally see it rise.

7.1.2009

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