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I’d like him to wear boots

(sometimes), thinking they are sexy.

If only for a moment, I should receive happiness. People seem happy when they are in love and I just go about my business pretending not to notice.

Shake me           Let’s go back to sleep in each other’s arms.
.                          Winter is long and too many cold night will keep happiness sounding like a foreign language, unless we never leave this place. Can you even hear me? Even this will one day feel like a distant memory. How lucky other people are, I think, watching your closed eyes dart back and forth. How lucky we are, I guess.

I want to feel taken (for granted).

Sexy, side sore, pierced with arrows;

nothing ever seems to heal,
least of all my
.             heart.

If beauty is on the inside, then rip me open & make love to my carcass. Everything is so random, so predetermined. Discard me, disregard me, ignore me until you need me.

I have secrets to whisper in your ear.

Featured Image Art: AI Images (created using Wonder AI)

Brian Fuchs, “I’d like him to wear boots” from The Theoretical Tiger Society (Scissortail Press, 2021)

Written 13 March 2008 in Anchorage, Alaska

––––––––––

Original Version

or, This is why people like me shouldn’t be alone
for my heart, which is lonely

If only for a moment, I should receive the happiness I’ve earned.

Winter is long and I seem to be one of the few who wouldn’t have it be any shorter. It gives me hopes of cuddling up with someone, losing myself in another person’s warmth.

Shake me, so I’ll realize you really are there and this has all been a dream. Wrap your arms around me and we’ll go back to sleep.

People seem happy when they are in love and I just go about my business pretending not to notice.

This will seem so distant someday soon. I’ll be astounded at how young I was and how naive. I’ll read this aloud, amusing someone else with how lonely I seemed and how desperate it all was. I’ll give him a hug — a peck on the cheek and tell him how lucky I am to have someone so wonderful in my life. He’ll make a sarcastic quip, as though the sentiment was lost, but he’ll have heard me. And he’ll silently agree.

I’m using “the Secret,” hoping for an attorney from Lubbock. Or maybe just more money. Or maybe some guy with no job, still living at home.

I want to feel taken [for granted].

Should it come up in conversation, make me sound easy without sounding too slutty. I want to assert my availability without attracting the wrong set of people. I think you know who to look out for. Make sure they aren’t wearing lavender… or chaps. No, wait, chaps can be hot.

I have secrets to whisper to you when we are alone.

3.13.2008

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I’ve still got a horrible cold. I’m on the non-stop coughing stage, which makes me sound like a “demon frog” according to a coworker. I’ve spent far too much money on medicine that seems to have done nothing, although it did allow me to work for more than a week.

As I wasn’t in the mood for much else, I spent my sick days watching the three seasons of Boston Legal that are on DVD. It is such an addictive show, but knowing that there is no more for a while, I can move on and find something else to occupy my time.

Most of the paper I had ordered has now arrived and I need to really start in on my scrapbooks if it is not to seem wasteful to have purchased the supplies. I am waiting for copies of photos from my parents for a lot of my pages, but I can certainly do some things with photos of my friends here (if they will get me some).

I have not started back up at the gym. I can’t really go while I am sick, so I will just have to go as soon as I can, which hopefullly is this week, but we will see. I really miss it right now.

Featured Image Art: still from Boston Legal

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Leap Day has been a very good day for me. It seems that my life took the rare opportunity to leap forward into something new.

I received a job offer today. I have accepted it. Unfortunately, I will be making less money than I have in 2 years. I have decided that it is worth it. Although making less money is hardly a step forward in my career plans, doing something I love makes the cut in pay less of an issue. I am looking forward to starting this part of my life.

I’ve spent the day rather sick, popping DayQuil every chance I get and watching countless hours of Charmed & Boston Legal. I’ve downloaded several amazing songs that I discovered while on vacation and got a Costco membership. So, it has been a rather low-key day, but one of the best I’ve had in Alaska in a long time.

My vacation was also among the best of my life. It was low-key as well, but really gave me pause and forced an examination of where my life is now. Life is good. I can certainly elaborate soon, but for now I will go watch a little more Boston Legal.

I hope everyone had an amazing Leap Day.

Featured Image Art: Omar Bernal, Tochtli

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I am on my way home for a visit. I leave tonight and will be in Oklahoma Monday. I have some stuff to do in Dallas over the weekend. Please, call me if you want to do something. I would love to see everyone I can. I can run to Tulsa anytime. If you don’t have my number, you can leave me a comment and I will contact you as soon as I can.

Hugs to all!

Featured Image Art: photo of my cast during first grade (due to having Legg-Calvé-Perthes)

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I am really into chandeliers recently. I can’t decide if they are overly ornate or just beautiful. I suppose I don’t really need a reason to like something, but some things feel like they need to be defended. Chandeliers are one of those things.

I should clarify that it isn’t all of them that I enjoy. I seem to only love those dripping with crystals and scroll after scroll of iron. They need to be heavily ornamented and richly detailed to catch my eye, but there can’t be a bit of practicality in their design. The recent resurgence of traditional design in chandeliers has been a welcome relief from the recent decades of horrid lighting pieces. The brass & glass monstrosities that earned a place in some of the nicest homes of the 70s and 80s are painful to look at and the shaded country cousin of the real thing is only marginally better.

If you’d asked me a few years ago, I would never have thought that I could love such a thing as a chandelier. Perhaps it is the fact that despite its hugeness, the chandelier transcends social boundaries. They seem as welcome in the dusty homes of the famously wealthy as they do in run down apartments of struggling, albeit stylish, artists. They appeal to the nouveau riche and to those just trying to make ends meet.

And maybe, I like them just because they are deliciously tacky.

Great chandeliers to check out:
http://www.insideavenue.com/89500.html
http://www.insideavenue.com/kechbyar.html
http://www.insideavenue.com/89551.html
http://www.insideavenue.com/cachbyar.html
http://www.insideavenue.com/trchbycuco.html

I tried to make chandeliers my theme for this past Christmas. Unfortunately, finding chandelier items was rather difficult. As soon as Christmas had ended, we received a lot of chandelier themed items at work. Hopefully, my love can last until next year, when I will be all set. If you like things that are a little extravagant and a bit tacky, check out Michaels.

Images: photo by Monty Lov (via Unsplash); design sketches for various chandeliers

Featured Image Art: photo by William Krause (via Unsplash)

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Let’s just leave it at that.

Featured Image Art: Caspar David Friedrich, “Graveyad under Snow” (1826)

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{get that sheep out of my mouth}

It was January 2007 when a traumatic experience during a Greek pizza resulted in the eradication of meat from my diet. I don’t crave it. Making the decision to not ingest animals was one of the most positive things I’ve done in my life. Although I still maintain that this is what works for me and is by no means the right thing for everyone, I think the control it has given me over my own life is very rewarding. I no longer feel guilty for enjoying a meal. The lack of meat in my diet — and dairy (in December 2006 I stopped digesting milk, as often happens) — has lead me in various culinary directions. I have discovered a world of soy foods and have embraced Indian food greatly. I’ve found that when I am forced to read every label before buying food, I often no longer want to eat things that are completely meat-free. Not eating such things is better. Going forward, I hope to eat even healthier foods.

{nomadic life}

Relying on the generosity of relatives I hardly know, I was able to stay in Alaska and get back in the black financially. That time came to an end, when I was ushered out of the apartment I was living in. This is hardly a tragedy. I hated that place and my life there was lonely. My family next door seemed as far away as the one’s I speak to regularly and people rarely visited. Last winter, there was no heat until mid-January, making it unbearably cold. I was more than happy to leave. I did not have anywhere to go and David took me in, allowing me to stay until mid November. At this point, I got my fourth Alaska address in two years, more than I had in seven years in Tulsa. I am living in David’s old place and it really suits me. It is small, but not confining. Although I know I will have to move in another year, I will enjoy my life here while I can.

Image: Ray Troll, “Night of the Ammonites”

Featured Image Art: vintage illustration of sheep

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{satan’s hamster runs amuck}

If asked a year ago, I probably would have told you that I had the best job I could imagine for myself. And I did. I so enjoyed office and HR work with Borders. It almost felt like my calling in a way and the experience has shaped the path I am choosing in all future retail jobs. But it wasn’t meant to last. In April, after my whining that I needed a second job had prompted David to nag me about applying to Michaels, I finally started a new job. Honestly, I barely took it seriously at first, being that this was my second job, a way to make a little spending money. It was supposed to be fun. They decided to promote me after a month and I’ve since been a lot better about being an adult at work. I had gone on vacation just before this promotion at Michaels and my return marked the end of my time at Borders. In my absence, a lot of assumptions were made about what amount of work I was doing. The manager directly above me, who had spent almost no time learning what my day consisted of and having no knowledge of my filing system, decided that I did not know what I was doing. Simultaneously, I had chosen to not allow this manager to run me over anymore. That would be the mistake I would come to regret. Crossing certain people can lead to one’s downfall and it was headed there with me. Every minor mistake or item left for the next shift was recorded and used in an effort to get me fired. Things that were common for others in my position were used as my failings. I gave my notice at the end of June. Michaels was eager to give me hours and I was soon working full-time hours. In September, I was officially made full-time and promoted to a position at the new store in town. We spent the month of October setting up the store, where I am now employed. I like this sort of work just fine, but I still miss my position at Borders. I think this will end up being a very good thing for me, regardless of where I end up in the future. I learned a lot at Borders and made a lot of friends and contacts. In such a small town, these contacts will certainly be helpful to me later. I look forward to the day that the manager who made my life so difficult at Borders is no longer working there.

Featured Image Art: photo by Ricky Kharawala (via Unsplash), altered

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I am not the person I was when this year began. My life has shifted in different ways, ultimately resulting in this transformed Brian that exists today. I really like being the new Brian, even if the old one is missed from time to time.

{david eugene & the demise of cloves}

I started hanging out with David last December. I had met him when he worked in the cafe at Borders over the summer and was instantly a fan. When he mysteriously left the store, I became obsessed with what turned out to be the memory of someone I didn’t even know well. In an act of silly desperation, I confessed my love for him. My confession was ignored and all future attempts to discuss it have been rejected. That was a great blessing; over the past year I have had one of the best friendships with David. He is often crazy, sometimes reclusive, but always there when I need him. When I was about to find myself homeless in September, it was David who immediately offered a place to stay. When I needed to get a new place of my own, it was David who hooked me up with a great deal on an apartment. When David decided to quit smoking a year ago, I also gave it up in support of his decision. He is still quitting. 2007 is defined mostly as the year of David to me.

{heather, the gay monkey, the rock star, and the world}

Oh, Heather. 2007 has not seemed like her year, but maybe it really has been. Heather’s boyfriend moved back to town halfway through the year. Previously, he had been in town 10 days per month. I think they both felt that they wanted that to happen; however, as their lives had progressed over time, neither knew what to do with one another being around so often. What seemed like a sudden burst of elation quickly fizzled and the two parted. It was a really sad time, as I liked both of them as individuals. But this is not a story with a sad ending. This freed Heather to pursue another option, the greatly more suitable John. Those two make so much more sense than I could have imagined. I miss my Heather, but I’m glad she is happy now. Heather also got a new place to live out of the break-up — well, okay, she was semi-forced to move.

Image: photo of Heather

Featured Image Art: photo by Klara Kulikova (via Unsplash)

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It is December 20th, the shortest day of the year. In places like Fairbanks and Barrow, this is a much bigger deal than it is here in Anchorage, but our days are short enough. The sun will rise at 10:14 and will set at 3:42. To make matters darker, today will be a cloudy day. And actually, that is quite alright with me. Clouds mean warmer air — relief from the negative numbers is far more important to me at the moment than relief from the darkness. As I write this, it is -8° outside. That is the lowest I recall so far this year, but it has hardly been much warmer for several days.

I finished Winkie . It was excellent to the very end. I think I convince myself to not read books because I am rarely satisfied the ending of them. It isn’t the endings themselves, but a realization that I am never going to know what happens to these characters next. Winkie was no different. I will get over it and over the next week, I will realize how much I enjoyed the book. Go pick up a copy; it is well worth your time. Next on my list was to be The World Without Us, but I finished before I had a chance to purchase the new book. I will move on to Holidays On Ice.

Featured Image Art: photo of Anchorage, Alaska

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Trapped Inside

“A particular bear sees a particular this.” — Clifford Chase

I’ve been reading Winkie, the tale of a teddy bear who is alive. This could easily be a silly childish story, but instead it is haunting and almost sad. I am finding myself identifying with the bear oddly, even though I can’t begin to relate. He is unable to interact with those around him, but feels pain and acts as a witness while the various children who own him grow up. The many years Winkie spends feeling unloved are heartbreaking and I just want to reach out and give him a hug, which can apparently solve all of his problems. Currently, he has just “lost” his last owner, Cliff. Cliff was the second of the six owners to name him, changing him from Marie to Winkie. Somehow the new name connected with his soul and he felt that Winkie is who he had always been. Cliff is older now and hardly pays attention to Winkie. The poor bear, sitting on a shelf, longs to be hugged or touched or talked to or looked at, but he knows that the time has come when he won’t have any other children to love him.

It is exciting to see where this story will go, given the events at the begining of the book (the present). The story opens with Winkie lying in a cabin, emotionally drained and lost. The cabin is surrounded by police searching for a terrorist bomber suspected to live there. Winkie, able to walk and talk, does as he is told and exits the building with his little paws up. After a lot of commotion and commands, shots are fired, one of which strikes Winkie, knocking him to the ground.

At the hospital, the doctors and nurses, sworn to do their jobs, play at reviving the stuffed bear, using all the equipment they can. Winkie refuses to speak to any of them and there is an assumption that he is a female. One nurse, who sneaks in to sew up his wounds, can tell otherwise. Françoise and Winkie enjoy time together, but he never speaks to her either. After waking up his guard, she is arrested in connection with the terrorist attacks because she is Egyptian. Despite her U.S. citizenship, she is linked based on her previous country’s supposed ideals.

Winkie is finally in prison in the story. He was sent to a women’s prison at first, but after Françoise is sent to the same block as he, Winkie is sent to a men’s prison and charged with impersonating a woman. All of this seems quite silly, but I hope it is leading somewhere. Winkie faces so many charges that it took the judge five hours and fourteen minutes to read them all. Among them are one hundred twenty four counts of attempted murder, treason, conspiring to overthrow the United States government, and teaching evolution in schools.

This is an excellent read and I highly recommend it. I will keep you posted on my progress.

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I am tired. I am really tired. I need a break from work. One day at a time doesn’t really seem to work any longer. It’ll get better soon; the stupid people will go back into hiding, their cheap Christmas presents making them happy for another year. And my work life can get more sane in their absence.

Okay, that was a little judgemental of me. As I have said before, I like most people as individuals, but I cannot stand people in general. They just irritate me. I think that is why I would like to own my own smaller business. Dealing with fewer people at a time would be nice. I’m also interested in working at a bookstore again. Not to overly stereotype, but the type of customer that shops for books is just somehow better than the type shopping for $1 kids crafts and clearance home decor that they are sure they can haggle down the price of.

I have a few ideas for my other website. I like the idea of a green website, with contributions from various friends. It would include home improvement ideas, book reviews, product reviews, recycling & reusing ideas, etc. I would hardly want a “tree-hugger” site, but I think it would be nice to share thoughts about how to live a little bit more green.

I also like the idea of just a book review site. It might not be groundbreaking, but would be a fun way to pool thought on various types of books.

Whatever I do with it, I would like to have a number of contributors, from several different places.

Featured Image Art: digital collage by Brian Fuchs

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I’m feeling a little blah. I don’t think there is any reason for it actually. As soon as I get some batteries for my camera, I will post some pics of my new place. I’ve spent a lot of time working on making it feel like home. I’m still a little lonely here and I’ve been quite tired because of the lack of light, but I think things are really improving. I’ll stop whining about it again.

I finished another great book. The Pirates! In An Adventure with Ahab by Gideon Defoe was just as hilarious as his first book, The Pirates! In An Adventure with Scientists. Read them; they are awesome.

Every time I start to doubt people, they surprise me. I have terrific friends.

I want a boyfriend.

Featured Image Art: James Ensor, “Self-Portait with Masks” (1899)

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Alexander Supertramp

 

I finally finished reading Brendan Wolf by Brian Malloy. I didn’t throw it across the breakroom like I wanted to either. It frustrated me, but the events that upset me were ones that were obvious from the beginning. I think it was worth my investing in the lives of these characters though.

Throughout the book there are references to Alexander Supertramp, the name Christopher McCandless gave himself while traveling around the country. Alexander Supertramp died in Denali of starvation in 1992.

Brendan Wolf has assumed this name and his real name isn’t revealed until the end of the book. He is hopelessly obsessed with Alexander and the books Alexander loved. He reads them — devours them — over and over.

The plot of the book is a scheme hatched up by his brother and sister-in-law. The plan is to steal money from a donation truck during the March For the Unborn, an anti-abortion rally. Brendan has to become a trusted member of the group in charge of the rally, Babies First, and get a spot as a driver during the rally. Meanwhile, his personal life has started to get in the way. He ends up living with Marv, an older man who Brendan has refused to sleep with, but who had a stroke during an argument about a living arangement. Brendan feels guilty and takes care of Marv when he is released to his home. He is also falling in love with Sean, a hopeless romantic who only knows Brendan by the name Pierre Bezukhov.

This is an amusing read, but one that begs for a sequel. I want to know more about these characters.

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I live alone again. I’m trying to be okay with that and think I am coming to terms with it. David was right. This is better for both of us, but that isn’t the point. I miss him. I miss Jo-da. I miss the sounds of another person in the house. But everything will be fine.

I moved into David’s old apartment. It is a large space and suits me well. The neighborhood is a bit too quiet, but the neighbors aren’t overly inquisitive, which is nice. I hate feeling watched.

Work has been irritating. It has seemed much busier than it has been and I feel like I am constantly behind. Welcome to the holiday shopping season!

Heather got moved too. I feel bad for abandoning her and finding my own place, but she has been really nice about it. That almost makes me feel worse about it though. She has found a place to stay — with some of my favorite people in Anchorage. Things are going to work out for her.

Life feels right at the moment. I’m really trying to stay in the moment and not focus too much in either direction — past or future. Being as here as I can be is good. Being happy with myself is my only goal and I am getting there… slowly, but surely.

I really miss my family right now. The next few months will be rough without a visit. And I need to call Brandy, who came to visit me and has yet to hear from me. I have too much to do.

I haven’t found my France journal yet. I was in the middle of putting it on here and misplaced it during my move to David’s. I will try to locate that this week and resume writing about my experiences. I wanted to be done with that by the end of this year.

If anyone has any great ideas for what I could do with my other website, let me know.

Images: photos of new apartment

Featured Image Art: L Dundas, “Studies of Foxes” (1950)