Warning: This is awfully full of self-pity, frustration, and all the unattractive qualities of a 30 year old single guy. This has been a difficult Christmas Day. I’ve tried to distract myself from it, but I’m spending Christmas alone and I am very aware of it. Last year, I had a sense of family. I spent the day with my three friends and two dogs and it was really a lovely holiday. This year, I’m feeling a little left out and lost. I suppose that is a place everyone has been at some point. And it is hardly a surprise. I knew everyone would have their real plans, but I guess I was looking for a way in; something to cement me into their lives this year. I don’t know how to create that and I’ve dealt with it all awkwardly, feeling like the pity invite to many plans over the years. Those are the times I feel gigantic, like the huge thing everyone is trying to pretend isn’t really as in the way as it is, the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room. Most people are nice enough to not mention how out of place I seem to be, which I appreciate. I just wish I felt like I belong somewhere.
Loneliness is such a horrible part of life. This has much more to do with me and my own lack of fulfillment is being with only myself than it has to do with anyone’s actions. I just feel so desperate to feel needed sometimes. Right now, I don’t.
I hate leaving sad thoughts on here, but sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m not looking at what I have and what I don’t seems much larger and more important. Life can’t always be beautiful.
sending hugs. sometimes life just does suck but often its that view that helps us reach for the stars. just belong to yourself and your own life and sometimes the right “slot” will come along. but often some of us (me included) never ever feel like we are 100% there.