I’ve been trying to find the words. Life has seemed so dreamlike, but simultaneously empty since Thanksgiving. I don’t mean to make this about me. Like so many things in life though, my narcissism will likely take over here.
Thanksgiving 2008 will be one of those days that sticks in my mind; it’s a day that shook things up. It may have changed everything, but it is far too soon to tell. During dinner, David proposed to Daniel. He brought the ring in on a piece of pumpkin pie, told Daniel that he was thankful for him and asked Daniel to marry him. I could barely control my emotions. Neither could anyone else. My entire body sighed with relief and excitement as Daniel said yes to David.
I have no way to express how beautiful that moment was and how happy it makes me feel; the words aren’t enough or are not quite there. It just filled me with great peace.
But this has meant much more to me than that. This year has been important for me. I spent my early twenties thinking I could take care of everyone else — should take care of everyone else. It brought me a great deal of happiness, but took so much of my energy that I never stopped to take care of myself. As soon as I got into a groove, I couldn’t remember how to take care of myself and have spent my late twenties content to be alone. I feel like I am just waiting for the next person who needs me to take care of them, resisting full on codependency only just. I forgot how to chase down dates and how to talk to men. I’m now paralyzed with fear, my instincts drained away with my youth.
I can’t sleep. This engagement has been a painful wake-up call of sorts. I want so much to find the love that I see between David & Daniel. I can’t help my jealousy, which I’m terrified to say I’ve often misinterpreted as longings for both of them. Coming together in this way made things clearer. This is right. Heaven opened up and touched these two lovely souls and built a mutual path for them to travel together. I want that. I deserve that. I need that.
I’ve never been interested in playing around, going through lines of guys trying to find one I can spend my life with and just sleeping with the rest. I want a friend — a soulmate. I believe it is out there for me and I am so anxious to find it.
I’m very happy for my friends. This next year is going to be amazing. And I will not accept loneliness anymore. My life is waiting and I cannot keep putting it on hold for needy friends who don’t need me to stop being myself.
Congratulations David & Daniel! You two are perfect and give me hope. I love you both.
I guess all I can say is that believe me when I say that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. The most interesting people you will ever meet are the decidedly single folks, the true eccentrics of the world. my friend, I gave up all of my hopes and dreams of being the next Cindy Crawford/Oprah/Todd Oldham so that I could live the simple life here in Alaska with David. I mean listen here girl, life is hard no matter what, somedays I really wish I was single but then I look around and remember I’m still passed out on the floor in dried up vomit no matter what my marital status may be and that I smell really really bad and it’s only because David was raised in a barn that we’re still together.
I guess my point is that my diamond ring is really seriously pretty. Thanks for listening I hope that helped.
lova ya cowboy!!!
that is such a sweet post. I hope you find that love. to be honest, it will ocme form left field when you least expect it. keep being true to yourself and look after yourself and it will come. I had given up aswell on love, men, women everything and then my ian came from a completely new direction…
keep positive thoughts flowing.