By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

(25 September 2023 Note: Oh, the irony of this post!  I remember this so clearly and I understand what I was feeling now.  I was so offended that how I was living might be wrong that I didn’t want to hear about it.  I had no evidence behind the claims I made in this post.  None.  I just wanted them to be true in the way so many want them to be true.  It’s interesting how much I have changed.)

So, I have been in Alaska for two weeks! Considering I have spent the past 4 days mostly sick in bed, I have not found a job yet. I did get the paper this morning and it should be helpful as I am starting to get over my cold.

I’ve also gone for a change of scenery. I loved staying with Peter Ann, despite not enjoying her house or location, but this new leg of my trip should prove just as wonderful. I am staying on a lake near Wasilla, AK with 2 cats, 2.5 dogs, and a woman who turned 86 yesterday. The whole lot of them are nice. The .5 dog is actually a neighbors dog who usually sleeps here. It all seems relatively normal. It is not!

I am staying with friends of my dad again, Delisa & Charlie. That wasn’t Delisa’s original first name and they both took a new last name. That is great, I think. In a way. I like the idea of creating an identity for a marriage — unifying yourselves with a common new name. Perhaps I would have placed my former last name in as a second middle and I would not have changed my first, but all the same it is sweet. That isn’t even weird.

What I have found weird is the almost militant veganism they subscribe to. It is somewhat subtle, but borders on bitter and nasty. I attended the first meeting (potluck) of the Alaska Vegetarian Society as a guest last night. In and of itself, the dinner was nice and the people were so friendly. It was one of the happiest places on Earth. But I found that an underlying theme in the evening was how wasteful the planet is and how cruel we are to the “very intelligent” livestock we eat on a regular basis. I absolutely appreciate the argument, but I don’t agree. Mind you, I fully support vegetarianism for its many benefits, but this type of over-the-top veganism doesn’t sit well with me.

And I have a new found dislike of PETA. I had never felt one way or another about them, but seeing the pamphlets they distribute made me cautious in listening to them. Not so much fact, as careful crafted sentiment designed to make you feel like a horrible person for having ever in your life considered eating chicken, turkey, eggs, and the like. It didn’t really work on me. And then to say that fish experience emotions like love and fear — that isn’t even based in reality. We have no proof that fish experience emotions at all. The moment I stopped being involved was when I was told that only 5% of our diet needs to be protein, all of which can come from plants. What we need is carbohydrates. Again, I appreciate the idea behind it, but I don’t necessarily agree. And neither do nutritionists around the world.

I think it was a valuable experience for me. I think I understand this way of thinking a little more clearly and know I want to basically stay away from it. As a friend recently said to me, Jesus ate fish, so that can’t be wrong.

Images: Ray Troll, “Rockfish”; vector image of polar bear

Featured Image Art: Norval Morrisseau, “Giant Moose”

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

I think Daria summed it up nicely. And this newest adventure in my life is quickly becoming one of the most frustrating too. Things just never go smoothly and I think that from time to time they just should.

What the… am I talking about? Moving is expensive and stressful, regardless of the inherent beauty of the surrounding landscape. It just… sucks. Finding a job, finding an apartment, coming up with the money for the apartment, getting my stuff/cats up here, paying for gas/tires along the way. It is all just a little much to handle.

Plus, I feel completely responsible for this move. Yes, Justin and Lori are moving as well, but I feel like I caused the whole migration and now feel like I need to be the one who solves the problems involved. I have already gotten in trouble for that one!

I would love for the whole thing to be over!!! I want it to be December 1 and I have a job I love, an apartment I love, my condo sold, and life back to normal (or close to normal anyway). In the meantime, I dread the process!!!!

Images: still from Daria; vector image of bison

Featured Image Art: Barbara Lavallee, “Eskimos and Calicos”

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

It seems quite official — we are moving to Alaska. Lori has had a lot of luck in finding a job, but I still have nothing. I need to try just that much harder this week so I can find something. Justin seems equally ready to just “get the hell out of Dodge” so to speak. It seems we have reached a conclusion that this is where we want to be.

I have asked Brent for help, but I am not sure to what extent he can. It is a bad time to be moving and I know that one or two months ago would have proven easier on us. But we won’t soon forget the arduous trek across the continent, just to find something new. It will likely be one of the highlights of our time of the planet, regardless of the level of success we have in our new lives.

I will certainly regret a few things. I will terribly miss my friends who are so close, even if I rarely see them. Travis, JD, Kendra, Jerry, James, Shauna, Meghan, Sandra, Jill, Cindy, Brandy, Jonette, Christine, The Kim, and anyone whose name I left off (and I will feel bad for it later!). I love all of you and my home will always be welcome to you if you visit.

Images: cartoon illustration of bear; Barbara Lavallee, “Gathering the Season”

Featured Image Art: vintage illustration of moose

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

We are here! Experiencing life in Alaska by way of vacation. Of course it is beautiful up here – that is pretty much common knowledge, but I didn’t expect such kind people. We arrived in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, searched the entire city of Anchorage for a hotel room (to no avail) and finally drove to Palmer and stayed in a motel there. That is where we are staying anyway. Palmer is the town where my dad grew up and we have been fortunate to be allowed to stay with one of his friends, Peter-Ann. She is so incredibly generous and I felt bad for being so quiet yesterday – I was just so tired.

Life does seem a little more laid back, especially out here in Palmer. I don’t know/don’t think it will be the same in Anchorage. I think we plan on going out there today to look for jobs and just see the town. I would be happy to find a job here, but the problem with small towns is that they rarely need more people. That won’t stop me from trying. All in all, I have found the experience so far very surreal. To look on a map, I am so far away from everything I am used to, but even here I feel at home. Being in Alaska doesn’t mean being in a foreign country – I guess that makes me sound a little ignorant, but somehow I always imagined it differently. But I do like it so far.

Jet lag being what it is, I am still a little tired – that was a long day of travel by anyone’s standards. We left Tulsa at 9:00a.m. for Dallas and then flew to Anchorage with a stop in Seattle. 6 hours of driving and 8 hours of flying… yikes. But the first leg of the flight was fun! It was Alaska Airlines inaugural flight from Dallas to Seattle. There was a buffet and Native Alaskan dancers at the gate in Dallas, a champagne toast, cake, and certificates on the plane. The crew was great and you could really tell that they love their airline. We did however get stuck with a motley crew of passengers around us. From the guy with part of an ear missing (which didn’t bother me for about 6 hours, but by that 8th hour I never wanted to see him or his ear again) to the woman with the back problem (she was 2 rows in front of us, but spent the ENTIRE flight from Dallas to Seattle turned around talking to a woman she didn’t know in a seat in front of us). It was interesting – and exhausting. The small kids directly behind us were the most quiet and well-behaved passengers around us.

So, I still don’t know if I want to live here permanently. I do tend to get a little homesick, but hope I will get used to the area in the next few weeks. I still feel like I need to be here. BUT I NEED A JOB TOO. I need to call my aunt. I haven’t heard from her in nearly 5 years so it will be weird to talk to her. She lives in Anchorage.

Life is going pretty well. I don’t yet know where I will be 2 months from now, but I know I will enjoy getting there. And I suddenly have an interest in Minnesota (IF Alaska doesn’t pan out like I wanted it to). The possibilities seem endless. I will write more soon and will include pictures as I get them.

Featured Image Art: detail of vintage postcard; Katie Sevigny, “Bird on Fire”

Featured Image Art: vintage postcard from Palmer, AK

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

It seems I am now officially Alaska bound. I have discussed it with both Lori and Justin and they are both excited to go with me. Lori and I are flying up on the 12th to check it out before cementing our decision, but we are about 95% sure we are going. Of course, I am frantically trying to find a job and get everything packed. Regardless of what may happen, I do think I would like to move and sell my condo. It just seems like the thing to do right now.

I have a strong feeling that this move is the right thing to do and I can’t ignore that gut feeling. I will certainly miss a lot of what I have going on here, but I feel like I am being called there; pulled forward to a new destiny. It feels right. I hope the trip strengthens that feeling. I will be there for a month, which fell into my lap through the kindness of my dad’s friends.

Image: vintage illustration of caribou

Featured Image Art: vintage postcard

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

‘The time has come,’ the Walrus said,
‘To talk of many things:
Of shoes – and ships – and sealing-wax –
Of cabbages – and kings –
And why the sea is boiling hot –
And whether pigs have wings.’

Life just keeps changing on me. No, I am no longer at Barnes & Noble. And no, it isn’t by choice. I don’t really want to discuss it though and I hate having to tell people… especially my parents. Aside from feeling like a failure (having been with a company for 7 years and getting fired), I knew they would try to fix the situation, which isn’t what I want. I can generally solve my problems… my way. I don’t need to do everything their way. And that is a tough conversation to have. Ol’ confrontational me will never say anything.

Mind you, I do appreciate the advice, but the quick fix to my problem is irritating.

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead –
There were no birds to fly.

The world seems open with possibilities now, which is nice. I recently referred to B&N as a family, stating that families are good for two things: creating a sense of security and keeping you tied down. And that is true. I feel so free of the concerns I had at work. I don’t need to care about any of the day to day crap I dealt with there, but I shall deeply miss a lot of the people, not to mention making my own schedule. :pleased:

I have kicked around the idea of going back to school. I am interested and I am starting to gain focus on what I want to do, but I really dread doing it. I am interested in several things. Mainly, I want to work with the mentally ill (those with a chemical rather than physiological disorder) and their families. I would like to work in either a counseling, social work, or advocacy role for these individuals. This has been a calling of mine for a long time — since high school. I really feel that I can do the most good in this field. My other interest, which is totally unrelated, is Interior Design. It doesn’t have the human side that the other does, but it is likely to pay better, use my creative talents, and be very fun rather than challenging. I doubt that I would get the same satisfaction out of that.

I have been applying for any retail management jobs I can find. So far, I have been to Foley’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, Pier 1, & Borders. I have applied online at Babies R Us, Cracker Barrel, IKEA, Schurman Fine Papers, Blockbuster, & GameStop. Hopefully something will work out.

I am also trying to organize my people to create my web based business. I really want it to be successful, but I just need to people to do the work. I have been doing everything, which can take quite some time. I will release more information about it later… when I feel like I have a firm grasp on the concept.

Lastly, I want to be published. It doesn’t require a degree, but doesn’t pay anything until a publisher is interested. And I need to finish my book before a publisher will be interested.

Images: still from Disney’s Alice In Wonderland; photo of Damon Albarn 

Featured Image Art: vintage postcard

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

2004:
It is nearly over. I have survived, but I feel like just barely. The past couple of weeks have been so stressful and exhausting. I feel like I haven’t had any time to myself. Because I haven’t. I blog when I am alone and off work. It is my release, my sanctuary. But there has been none. It is done. Christmas behind us, we will be settling back into the day to day routine soon. I look forward to that time. It is funny how the times I so enjoyed as a child are the very ones that stress me out and I hate as an adult.

Belated:
I really must wish a happy birthday to a few people. I missed the actual days, and I am sorry for that. Conner and Nick both had birthdays on the 20th, Sandra on the 22nd, Jesus on the 25th… hmm. I know there were some others. I can’t think what they were. Hmm.

Now that things have settled and the “holidays” are over, I will write more this week.

Featured Image Art: photo by Christian Escobar (via Unsplash)

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

…
I should be sleeping, but I find myself up thinking about getting old, or maybe just death. I am a little blue, but I know that I am not alone. I so desperately wish I could be alone in this sometimes. A friend e-mailed me the other day to tell me that his paternal grandpa and his maternal grandma are both in poor health. Very poor. It breaks my heart that he is dealing with the things I have struggled with. Honestly, this friend has had more than his fair share of struggles in his life. I want to give him a big hug.

Papa isn’t doing that well… it makes me feel guilty and sad. I am not sure I could handle anything happening to him right now. It would tear me up. He has back problems, which are not serious, but he has started feeling old, which is worse.

When John died, I has hoped that I would never deal with death again, knowing that was stupid… I just don’t know what I have left. I already do a great deal of pushing people away. More abandonment might cause a great break down. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I know that Papa isn’t doing that well, so I have visited less. It doesn’t help that the house makes me sad because Mimi should be there. Age is such a cruel joke. If you can make it through this life, you will be rewarded with death. How much sense does that make. I wish we didn’t get old – I don’t necessarily mind aging per se, but I don’t want people to die.

I hope Travis understands how much I love him and I will keep his family in my thoughts and prayers. I have so many thoughts in my head, but I am so tired that I will have to come back to them when I am not fighting with my sleep.

Featured Image Art: photo by George Hoza (via Unsplash)

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Sleep:
Once again, my sleep is a little screwy. I would blame it on my being sick, but that is almost over and really has little to do with it in my estimation. I think it is entirely caused by my own foolishness. When one is tired, one should go to sleep. This one, however, doesn’t always do that. It is okay, but I just don’t want my sleep pattern to interfere with work… and somehow it always does. I really need to stop complaining about this. If nothing is changing I will just have to accept it.

Shopping:
My parents came over for some shopping today. I really enjoyed it, even if it did seem to be a little pointless. They picked up very little. I do have some ideas of what to get them though. We all went to Cracker Barrel after, as it is somewhere they can’t go in Stillwater. Then a quick trip to Nam-Hai, Hancock, and they returned home. I miss that. They used to come over all the time. Now I just feel like I am the son who hasn’t brought them the joy of grandchildren… which just makes me feel like a failure in life. I really wish that things were different sometimes and that I had the opportunity to have children of my own. I love my neice and nephews, but that isn’t the same. They also had KC with them, my neice. She is fun and very good natured. God, I want a family… and yes, I want a husband.

When they left, I went to Target to find a gift for my secret Santa person at work. I had picked up one thing because it was a good deal, but then I found the exact perfect thing I was looking for. I got that instead. I really think it will be a hit! I also got a small something for Lori, some gift bags, a gift for a girl at work I didn’t really want to buy for (but it was perfect), and some additional cards. I showed amazing restraint and put back the three items that I would never have used (2 clearance bags & an empty tin). I enjoyed the day, but it was exhausting. I stopped by Lori’s, watched last half of CSI, all of Without A Trace, and fell asleep sometime during the 10 o’clock news.

Work:
Work has been insanity lately. Such is the nature, yadda yadda yadda… I do of course work in retail. This weekend look like it will be a blast!!! We have a great crew Friday and Saturday, and then the manager party is on Sunday! Good times. It’ll be nice to be around these people and be having a good time — with the exception of Lori, with whom I often enjoy myself.

I just about killed Nick the other day, and now I understand someone called out yesterday… they are all on my list at this point. ALL OF THEM. I guess I need to start getting mean before someone notices. I love them to death, but they are walking all over me and they don’t really care right now. Maybe that isn’t true of everyone, but I get the feeling that several of them feel that way. Woe.

Featured Image Art: photo by Dustin Humes (via Unsplash)

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Random Thoughts To People I Know:

•I do usually know, Lori. Maybe I can put in a camera!
•Break a leg, Meg. Or at least have a good time.
•Jessica Cassesa! Where have you been?!? We need to shop!
•It was strange and nice to catch up, Robby.
•Travis? Do I know someone named Travis?
•Jess, things are not looking good. See me for details.
•I miss you, Christine.
•Meghan… the hair… wtf?
•Good luck with the living situation, Nick & Sarah.
•Justin, I am very sleepy and I want to watch TV.
•I don’t really want to mess with Christmas, Brent & Laurisa.
•When will I see you again, Ren?
•I love that you work at my store now, Shauna.
•I might be secretely stalking you, Meghan. One can never be sure.
•Christine! You must want your DVD back. I’m a horrible person!!!
•Lori, I want to make some stuff… really.
•Jill, I went to get that movie for you, but it was way expensive!!!
•Jerr…?
•Oh, Shauna, sorry I didn’t say Good Morning the other day. It hurt to.
•Can’t wait to work with you on Tuesday, Meghan!
•Justin, I am mad at you!!! No reason.
•Brad, are you ever actually online?
•You make me smile, John (venusunfolding).
•Can I borrow that one movie, Jilly???
•Brandy, I will let you borrow the kd lang CD. You didn’t get it just for being a lesbian like you wanted.
•JD. Just JD.
•I can’t wait to see you again, Troy. It has been too long.
•I love you, Jobeth.
•Travis who?

Featured Image Art: art by Steve Johnson (via Unsplash)

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Yay!

I have been having the most wonderfully fantastic day today. No reason at all. I just love life today and this all makes me believe that I am becoming my parents, bipolar disorder and all. A customer gave me a verbal award for being the nicest music seller anywhere in town, John (our receiving manager) got me a small gift just to be nice, and Meghan worked with me. She was also in an obnoxiously good mood today. I was just so grand to be alive, even though I was hacking and sneezing all day!!! I am super excited about getting some stuff done tomorrow and then I can relax. I might even turn my heat on! I was waiting until December and it will be December tomorrow.

Being sick doesn’t suck so much today… I will soon be going to Lori’s for some Amazing Race fun. Calm, quiet fun…

Meghan:

Meghan is one of the most wonderful people I know. She is just too much. Avert your eyes anyone who knows me or anyone who knows Meghan… It is just a shame she isn’t a gay boi (*wink wink*) or that she is an employee…(because I am not technically supposed to hang out with her)… I really think she is fantastic!

Featured Image Art: still of Red from Fraggle Rock

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Blah!

I have been a little under the weather lately. Sniffles n’ such, ya know. It kinda sucks, but what can you do. I have had a lot of sleep, which is nice. And medicine head is more fun than it should be.

It beginning to look a lot like…

Justin and I just did some Christmas shopping today. I went ahead and got a small tree. It was 40% off at Hobby Lobby! I also got some stuff to make a wreath and some wind-up lederhosen for my dad. They are cute. Justin got stockings and stocking holders, all of which were 50% off. It is a nice group, but they need two more stockings for the dogs, which he is going to have Patrick get. Some cleaning tonight and tomorrow and then Wednesday I will decorate!!!

Being sick sucks.

Featured Image Art: wind up lederhosen

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Thankful:

First, I would like to say that I am thankful for so many things. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine was excellent. I sometimes don’t allow myself to enjoy my family, but I really do. It is nice to feel that relaxed around people. I am thankful for my cousins, who are becoming such wonderful people. I am thankful for my brothers and their families. I am thankful for my uncle, even when he really annoying. I am thankful for my grandpa (Papa) who was too quiet this year. I wish him speedy recovery on his back. I am especially thankful for having the greatest parents ever. They are both as much friends as parents. I enjoy them so much. Their house can be too hectic for me though, with the children always under foot.

The day was so great. We watched Will & Grace, visited, and played with the kids all day at my parents’ house. Gradually, everyone made their way down to my grandpa’s house. We started with 15 and by the time I left for my grandpa’s, only my dad was left. We had the best and most moist turkey I have ever had!!! It just fell apart as the knife touched it, so no need to slice it at all. I sat at the kids’ table, where I have sat my entire life. Really, we all are. That table is, and has always been Opie, Annie, myself, and some combination of others including Becky, Brad, Brent, etc. The actual kids are still too young to sit off by themselves. It was just an excellent day.

So, Where Has Brian Been???

Nowhere. I have just not been on the computer that much. I guess life is just boring lately. Not that I have been bored. I do have opinions on that. I want a boyfriend. I want to feel loved. I am scared of looking… scared to death of trying… of putting myself out there. I miss my gay friends. This is really where gay friends come in handy. I am lonely and I don’t like it at all. Blah. I am basically content with my life otherwise. I do need to get on here and just blog already!!! I sometimes forget that my friends check this to see what is going on… Travis.

Work:

Speaking of work, Shauna is working at my store as of earlier this week!!! It is so nice to see her face at work. I so miss living with her and James. I wish things never changed and you could just stay close to everyone.

This is the weekend of weekends at work. I am looking forward to the craziness. I am a little worried that our manager will be exhausting and frantic, but overall it should be fun.

Featured Image Art: photo by Element5 Digital (via Unsplash)

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Life Has Been Boring!!!
I haven’t really done much lately, with the exception of sleeping! Justin has been coming over more often, which has been nice. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to spend any time alone. It hasn’t been that bad though. But I have had a lot going on. Nothing exciting, but a lot. I would love to hear from Travis, but I haven’t in quite some time.

How Does My Garden Grow?
It doesn’t. At all. I miss that about having a house. Mowing is the part I don’t miss, but I can only get them together. Oh well. I would love to grow some veggies. I don’t really care about flower gardening, but growing food would be pretty cool.

Christmas:
Even though I don’t care much for Christmas this year, I have decided to go ahead and decorate. I don’t know what, but something fun and exciting! I want it to be uber-kitschy, but I am not sure what I want. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Featured Image Art: photo of Justin

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Christian Indeed!

I have mentioned it many times, but I just want to say it again. What is wrong with people??? I live in “the buckle of the Bible Belt” and see a huge amount of hypocracy daily. Since everyone here in Tulsa claims to be a Christian, I am often ashamed to say that I am and have resorted to not saying it at all. It pains me to claim similar beliefs with people who seem so judgemental and hateful. I know that I am doing the same thing, judging them, but I still have a hard time with those who cannot walk the walk. Christian seems to be a term used by many as a substitute for conservative and/or close-minded. But I think those people need to look at the word and realize that it simply means someone who follows the teachings of Christ. The teachings of Christ do not include judgement or exclusion of others. They do not include hate for anyone. They are about one’s personal commitment of that person’s actions. Nobody should have anything to say about the way I live my life except for me and God. This means that you random so-called Christian do not get to decide that being gay is wrong or right. Unless of course you are 100% without sin. It is at that time that I will start accepting your advice on living my life and my walk in my faith.

Religion, Faith, Or Spirituality…?

I am not religious at all. I think to be so is silly (no offense to those who are). Being locked into dogma and ritual does not suit my finicky life and is therefore not welcome into it. Although I share the beliefs of other Christians, I do not claim to be one for reasons stated above as well as the following: stating ones religion automatically brings with it certain stereotypes. I don’t want to be held to certain beliefs that I don’t necessarily agree with.

Faith and Spirituality are a different matter all together. I am strong in both and I don’t often discuss them. I just am so rarely on the same wavelength that I cannot bear to defend myself all the time.

Have I Changed So Much?

I spent the evening with Serenity, James, Shauna, Bryce, etc. It was a lot of fun! We started at the bowling alley, where I bowled 131. Out of the 11 of us, I was 4th. I never bowl, so it was really great fun. Rennie and I got beers, making the evening even better. I also never drink. After, we went back to James & Shauna’s house. Shauna fed me, we visited, and then played Scene It. It is okay, but made me realize how out of touch I am with movies. I knew almost none of the answers. Blah.

Thing is that I felt a little out of touch with them. I haven’t spent time with them for about 2 years, and it had been a while at that point. I really didn’t think that I had changed since then, but the fact that I related very little made me realize that I had. Why is it that I am always changing into someone new, leaving my friends behind, no longer having the same things in common?

I guess it doesn’t matter. We seemed to be able to find enough things to talk about to keep ourselves amused. I even got along alright with Bryce, which had never happened when I lived with them. He is Shauna’s brother and was a source of tension at that time. It was nice to just get along with him. It was also very nice to see Serenity (Rennie), who has become my blog buddy. I actually just read through her blog occasionally, but it is fun to know she is always there.

Featured Image Art: photo by Valeri Terziyski (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga