Get That Sheep Out Of My Mouth
{get that sheep out of my mouth}
It was January 2007 when a traumatic experience during a Greek pizza resulted in the eradication of meat from my diet. I don’t crave it. Making the decision to not ingest animals was one of the most positive things I’ve done in my life. Although I still maintain that this is what works for me and is by no means the right thing for everyone, I think the control it has given me over my own life is very rewarding. I no longer feel guilty for enjoying a meal. The lack of meat in my diet — and dairy (in December 2006 I stopped digesting milk, as often happens) — has lead me in various culinary directions. I have discovered a world of soy foods and have embraced Indian food greatly. I’ve found that when I am forced to read every label before buying food, I often no longer want to eat things that are completely meat-free. Not eating such things is better. Going forward, I hope to eat even healthier foods.
{nomadic life}
Relying on the generosity of relatives I hardly know, I was able to stay in Alaska and get back in the black financially. That time came to an end, when I was ushered out of the apartment I was living in. This is hardly a tragedy. I hated that place and my life there was lonely. My family next door seemed as far away as the one’s I speak to regularly and people rarely visited. Last winter, there was no heat until mid-January, making it unbearably cold. I was more than happy to leave. I did not have anywhere to go and David took me in, allowing me to stay until mid November. At this point, I got my fourth Alaska address in two years, more than I had in seven years in Tulsa. I am living in David’s old place and it really suits me. It is small, but not confining. Although I know I will have to move in another year, I will enjoy my life here while I can.
Image: Ray Troll, “Night of the Ammonites”
Featured Image Art: vintage illustration of sheep
Two days ago — on the eve of my mom’s birthday — I had a very long conversation with her. I was only recently able to have my phone turned back on and wanted to call and talk since it had been so long. It was a weird conversation, but one that reminded me of just how like my parents I am. The things I say, the way I phrase things, those quirks that tend to throw other people off go unnoticed to them. They get me because I am a product of them. I need to be reminded of that from time to time.
Okay, so it wasn’t a cabinet exactly. I had grown to love the duplex and the many oddities that made it special. It had started to feel like home for me. The pops and creaks the place would make as it warmed from the sun had become familiar. The troops of insects and spiders that would find a way in had started to be less of an annoyance than they once were. The sound of the water under the house — like sitting atop the beach with waves moving back and forth — was soothing. I had even grown fond of the huge fireplace, sitting awkwardly in the corner. It took up too much space and was unusable. I had decided to place foam skulls in it for Halloween and string lights in the top so they would be slightly lit up.
When I arrived, it was nice to have Brad waiting for me at the airport. We gathered my bags and made a couple stops. I wanted to go by Barnes & Noble and Hot Topic (my barbell in my tongue was stripped). After that, I was really sleepy and slept on the hour trip to Stillwater. It was nice to hang out with Brad. We got in, went to pick up Conner (my nephew), and came back to my parents’ house. It was pretty late and there wasn’t much left to do. So, I slept. And well.
My class reunion was weird — good weird. I was a bit of a loner in school. I knew everyone and I am sure they all knew me, but I wasn’t exactly friends with them. I have always felt connected to these people though. I know that I will be the one who attends the reunions everytime and grows to be more fond of these people as the years go by. And why didn’t I take the time to get to know them back then? Of course, the same ones who annoyed me in high school annoyed me at the reunion. And everyone had kids… or so it seemed. Overall, it was a good experience. I talked to only a few people, but really felt like I was part of a group… one I couldn’t get kicked out of, even if they didn’t really care for me. That was oddly comforting. What made the whole thing even better is having family there. Since Brent & I were in the same class — and therefore graduated together — he and Laurisa were there for me to hang out with. They’ve always been the types that have a lot more casual friends, whereas I always had a few very close friends. Speaking of, Travis was there. Unfortunately, a family emergency kept him from attending the family fun day on Saturday.
I doubt most people are half as lucky as I am. I have the great benefit of not only having a wonderful mother, but also, in the same person, I have a great friend. LaDonna Marie Fuchs (Tucker) is one of the most generous people to inhabit this earth and one of the most humble. I strive daily to be more like her and yet don’t have the exact quality that makes her so unique. Mom is independent, intelligent, & content. Today, as we celebrate mothers, I just hope she knows how important she is to me.
Thoughts to people I’ve had on my mind lately. I don’t expect these people to read this, but I wanted my thoughts out there. I also don’t want anyone to feel left out. I have a lot of people in my life and a lot of love to give. Don’t take it personally if I didn’t mention you.
Grant: I am worried that we have failed to connect recently. I have really tried to open up to you as a friend, but held back a little. I find it difficult to relate to men who aren’t gay, which is horrible of me. I feel like I am disappointing you at work and I hate it. Working for you is the only reason I am still at the store. I want to work for/with you, not only because you are a great guy to be around, but also because you know how to manage a store.
“Mimi” is my mom’s mom, Bonita Christine “Chris” Tucker. She was the matriarch of our family; the force that connected us all and kept us together. She orchestrated every event that brought us together, reminded us to connect with one another, and nagged us all mercilessly. Mimi was an extremely confident woman who knew who she was. She was totally devoted to her husband, her God, & the other members of her church. She was generous with her money and her time, but was never afraid to tell you her opinion on what you were doing. Evidently, there wasn’t enough money to be made as a writer to justify her supporting it. I cherished talking to her. I would sit with her and talk about people for hours… she knew absolutely everything going on in Stillwater. But it never seemed like gossip. Mimi was a very good-hearted person.
That week was surreal. I still don’t remember much of it. Of course, it culminated in a beautiful funeral. I had gone back home to Tulsa to get some clothes and for the funeral I chose the shirt she had just given me for Christmas. The shirt was a gold knit with a collar. I wore khaki pants. I wouldn’t have felt right in dark colors and I really wanted to celebrate life. The funeral was made that much more difficult when I discovered that my cousins’ nanny was sitting with them and I couldn’t sit with my immediate family because of it. Furthermore, I ended up next to my mom’s friend, who had apparently not figured out that I was an adult and kept talking to me as if I were a child.
3+17+1997=10 or “Relax a little; one of your most celebrated nervous tics will be your undoing.” -Frank O’Hara
That was me. It still is from time to time, wondering how my life is really different and hoping that I have really changed — grown. I was lost. I had desperately tried to force myself into someone I am not, agrily trying to “not be gay.”
I remember a number of times during church activities, specifically Bible Bowl, when I would drift off into my own world of introspection, wondering how much love I would find in these people if they knew this awful truth about me. I pretended to have crushes, marking my papers with the most obvious name, hoping to be caught pining for one of my teammates. I quickly became outspoken over my disdain for the public education system’s willingness to teach homosexuality as acceptable. I was turning on myself and was only 14.
I had an eye appointment and then work after school. I was almost finished at work when Travis & JD showed up. I tried to avoid them, but they seemed angry. I just walked out to the parking lot, letting them follow me. I intended to go home and forget the day had ever happened. But my car was missing. Defeated, I got into Travis’ car. We drove around a little; they told me they had gotten permission from my mom to keep me away all night. They told me that they didn’t care that I am gay, but they were angry that I had been so depressed and didn’t tell them.
Life can really slap you in the face sometimes. I got a gentle reminder that I am not in control on Monday. My brother called me at work; I knew something was wrong, since he had never called me at work before. “Don’t freak out,” he said, “but Dad had another heart attack. He is fine; they flew him to Mercy Hospital in [Oklahoma] City.”
I finally talked to him that evening. He sounded fine & had plenty of energy. What scares me is that it was a massive attack and his doctor said he was lucky to have gone to the hospital when he did; he might not have survived otherwise. I am not ready at all for something like that to happen. Not only can I not imagine losing one of my parents, but mine are both great friends and people I would want to know even if I wasn’t related to them. They are good people, wonderfully naïve about the indecencies in the world. Wholesome.
Any blessings from this? Maybe. My brothers both have a tendancy to drop their kids off with my parents. I understand this. They have to make ends meet and you do what you can to struggle through with a young family. I get it. But Mom & Dad have both been pretty exhausted with it all lately. They’ve needed a break. Mom’s back needs some time & Dad just needs some time off for his mental health. Now, it seems they will get a little break. It is unfortunate that it had to happen in this way though.
This would all be much ado about nothing if it wasn’t for the two kids. Brad & Jess have two boys, who are being used, as happens so often, to cause Brad more pain. He is repetedly denied seeing his boys by Jess, who has decided to move in with her mother, who is in the midst of mourning her husband, and who until very recently had nothing to do with the kids. Even now, her version of watching them is to take them to the neighbor’s house and have her watch them.
When I arrived in Anchorage, it was very late… after midnight. Heather had arrived early to pick me up at 11:30, when the plane was suppose to land. I felt bad that she had to wait, but I couldn’t have known ahead of time. She helped me get my stuff into her car. I detected a bit of congestion starting, but I assumed it was a symptom of being on the plane for as long as I was. On the short drive home, I enjoyed the view of the week-old blanket of snow covering the city. It was January cold, but I felt warm to be at home.
Día de los Muertos:
Call of the Wild:
So, Saturday was a day of sleep. I woke up pretty late to sounds of a football game. I hadn’t been around my mom & OSU football since high school. I had forgotten. It is high-spirited, fun, loud,… weird. She loves football. My dad, on the other hand, finds football too trivial to be bothered with. Largely, Brad & I agree. Brent will watch on occasion. This particular game was a biggie though. I remember vaguely asking who we were playing as I slowly became aware of my surroundings. Nebraska.
Grand Day Out!