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I kinda wanted the world to care about my birthday. But apparently, I’m not even allowed to be selfish for that. I’m sure this is teaching me some sort of life lesson, but I don’t care honestly. I’m turning 30 and can’t get anyone to notice. My parents will call. A few friends will probably call, but I’m being hugely reminded that I am only ever at the back of people’s minds.

And I’m tired of throwing parties for myself… even if it is the only way to get the people I love together.

I’m cranky.

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Yep, I’m rather sad this week. I wish the crap would hold so I could celebrate turning 30. Did you catch that Life? Let me be happy for a least a week longer. It is probably just me coming off the high of having been on vacation. Or maybe not. Whatever it is, I don’t care for it.

Hugs. Big giant hugs to those in need of big giant hugs. I love you and I’m praying for things to work out.

Happier thoughts when my weekend starts.

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I met new people and got to spend time with some of my favorites on my vacation this year. If I had to list all the people I love in the world, the list would be as thick as a phone book. Here are some highlights based on my trip back home.

Mom: Tied with my dad as my all time favorite people, I miss her a lot. It makes me sad when I have to go home because I can see how much it hurts her. I don’t want to be the one who causes hurt, but I love my life. I hope she knows how much I love her. One day, she’ll visit Alaska and stay with me. That is going to be so much fun.

Dad: When do parents become friends. I don’t remember that transition as a markable event. I’m glad it has happened though. I think it incredibly important to become friends with your parents. My dad is one of my best. I worry about him, I worry about becoming him, and I worry that I’ll never become him enough. It’s weird.

Annie: What a gorgeous and kind lady she has become. I suppose I always knew that she was on that path; it hardly surprised me. I don’t know what I did to deserve such an amazing member of my family.

Opie: Annie’s older brother is also becoming an incredible person. His path has seemed a bit rockier, but he will get there and sooner than we all thought. I was delighted by him. He will achieve such greatness without any effort.

Stan: Good people come from good parents. Opie and Annie really reflect the best qualities of my uncle. There have been issues. There are still issues, but he is trying. He is a good man and I know that he is capable of anything. His generosity was remarkable during my time down. One day we’ll see the darkest parts as a distant memory that doesn’t seem so real. I may never see eye to eye with him on everything, but I will always feel strongly connected to him.

Michael: Oh, Uncle Mikey! Thank you for putting up with Stan! I’m so happy to know you and appreciate everything you do. You’ve brought out the best in Stan and really made me want to find the love you two have. Thank you for being so awesome.

Brent & Bradley: My brothers. God never gives us more than we can handle. I believe that, but if it makes you feel better you can always rephrase it. We are capable of anything. ANYTHING! I am so blessed to have two wonderful people as brothers. There are issues to sort out. Anger to smooth down into peace, but it isn’t impossible. These struggles will only turn good people into great people, shape them into who they’ve always been, but even better. I want so badly for richly fulfilled lives for both Brent and Brad.

Conner, KC, Jason, Avery: These kids are going to be awesome adults. I hate being so far away while they grow up. If I can’t connect with them right now, one day I hope we can be as close as I am with Stan, my uncle.

David & Daniel: It’s sappy. I realize how silly it seems! But it is no less true. I really missed these guys while I was Outside. My words are not enough to express how much I love them.

Christine: It is wrong that I see you as a sort of Vaudeville performer… a sort of Jack of all trades performance artist whose next show will surprise and dazzle the astonished onlookers? If you want to be Winnie the Pooh, then live that dream. So few people seek it out and do it. You’ve got the balls to do what you want with your life and you’ve found your perfect other half to create that life with. Nothing is never going to be boring for you and I envy that.

Jay Brannan: I got to meet one of my favorite musical artists. It was surreal. I remember that evening like I was surrounded by a paralyzing fog. I’ve been trying to sort out if it actually happened or not, but the photos make me think it might really have. I was blown away by his concert, his beauty, and his personality.

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I’m home from my vacation, which would normally require a “finally.” This time is different though. Finally doesn’t fit. It isn’t that I don’t want to be here; I love my home and my life here. It seems natural to be here and nothing about my vacation requires rest to get over. I just felt so much a part of what was going on in my family. The drama of individual lives was going on around us and yet we still seemed held together — a family. Maybe that requires age, maybe it requires distance. Something just felt magical about my visit. Something I cannot quite put into words.

My vacation was timed to coincide with my cousin’s wedding — a favorite cousin, a friend, a remarkable person whose love is one of joy that can make your heart skip a beat. I could not have stood to not be there for her on such a special day. Her husband, I’ve discovered is so perfect for her. The half she had been missing. What Becky wanted for her wedding was a feeling of family. My branch of the family brought our unique gifts. My older brother, a professional photographer, did what he does best. My younger brother took care of the candid shots, the “real life” shots. He perhaps represented us more than anyone else, being able to sit and visit through much of the reception. My parents and I were the reception, my mom specifically coordinating people and my dad coordinating food and decor. I kept with them, fixing the cake after it had been smashed a bit in the car. It was to be all white with flowers on top, but I wreathed the lowest level in fresh red roses and strawberries, making sure to place a rose in each thumb print left by another person trying to push the cake back into position. It turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself. I also worked as my dad’s staff, putting trays of food where he said, moving crockpots to where he said to move them, retrieving what needed to be retrieved. While my dad and I had so much work to do that we didn’t get to see the ceremony, it feels worth it to me. I enjoyed the day greatly. There were a lot of people involved beyond us. I didn’t know many of these people and didn’t really have time to get to know them, but it was evident that family was the most important part of her day. That night, we slept very well.

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Money isn’t everything

I think it is okay to be content with things the way they are.

My point is that there seems to be so much emphasis on obtaining something more, that people aren’t encouraged to live in the moment. Why is it that the importance of living in the moment is something one is supposed to come to in the middle of life? It is a lesson we should be teaching our children, fostering in the young, and embracing fully as a society. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t dream, shouldn’t aspire to become fully ourselves, but it should mean that being who we at this moment should be okay at times. It should mean that being happy with your place in life shouldn’t be ridiculed.

I hate the pressure to “succeed,” a term I’ve discovered only means amassing as much money as possible. I don’t really care for money. It is divisive and fleeting and has no concrete meaning. It does not equal success to me. That isn’t to say I’d turn more down, but it shouldn’t be my only goal. I’d much rather strive for contentment. I think that causes concern for those whose lives have been much more monetarily driven than my own. Working in a bookstore will never stack up to whatever “potential” they’ve seen in me. Never mind my happiness in working in a place surrounded by literature or the fact that that job simply pays the bills while I write (a job that is almost universally unpaid). To me, it isn’t about having the material things or even the security of money in the bank. It is about living my life the way that feels the most fitting. Right now, I can honestly say it just feels nice to be me. And that cannot mean that I’ve failed to succeed.

Separate But Equal

I’ve said it so many times: a couple does not need to be around one another constantly to remain together. In fact, I think that is the mistake that so many make. Granted, I’ve been single for 30 years now and that doesn’t necessarily qualify me to advise anyone on relationships. However, my parents set such an excellent example of how to be together and stay in love that I freely offer advice based on their experience.

I feel like each person should have his/her own friends. If you love to go to the park, don’t force your partner who hates going to go with you. But don’t deny yourself either. A couple is not a fused unit incapable of being apart. It is two individuals, with the thoughts and beliefs and dreams of two distinct people who find that they always want to be in the company of one another. My parents, being my prime example, have done so well at this that they make it seem effortless. Each of them has hobbies, friends, places they like to go. And they don’t always go together. They’ve vacationed separately even, but always come back to one another. They are truly two individuals who are always drawn together. Tethered, but not fused.

Everyone is able to find this. What destroys this, or prevents it, is jealousy and suspicion. It isn’t even remotely possible when there isn’t trust. But the real key to holding on to someone is respect. If you cannot show any other form of kindness towards someone, show them respect. I have seen friends who do all of these things well and those who struggle with them. Struggling is not failure, but not realizing the struggle might be. I just want everyone to be happy.

I don’t really know why I’m on these tangents. I’m not even sure where they are going. I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head.

Oklahoma/Texas bound

I’m looking forward to my vacation, but still feel like I have too much to do before I leave. It is really overwhelming. Despite the efforts of those around me, I’ve have really attached myself to this Alaska and hope I can continue carving out my life here. If I find the winds shifting, I’ll gladly go where they take me, but for now I’ll be content with my life. Distance can be painful, especially with children who seem to grow up too fast, but I cannot deny myself a life I love over it. Family may be the most important thing there is, but I know they love me just as much 4,000 miles away.

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I’m feeling 30 getting closer. I cannot sleep, I cannot hold onto my hair, and Rockstars equal life. I like being me, mostly, and I am really hoping that I have a really beautiful decade. It seems moments away. Meanwhile, my trip back home feels almost over before it has started. Time off is past due, as I’ve complained about recently. I do not look forward to the heat, but I do look forward to the rest. And I miss my family.

I’m reading a book about an older gentleman who I kinda wish I could become, but becoming him would mean a lifetime of being alone. Perhaps I need to concentrate on just being the best me I can be and stop romanticizing what it would be like to be a dreamy old man who is easily duped. Still, I like the idea of it.

I want to go to Iceland. The importance of money is apparent when there are dreams begging for a chance to be fulfilled. Oh, Iceland. And France. And India… and… ….

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Wow! I excel at procrastination. It is a terrible, terrible problem that needs to just stop. A week from now, I’ll be on my vacation. I’ll have just arrived in Dallas after a full day of flying. I’ll be quite thankful to be away. While I already dread not being near a computer everyday, a break will probably be good for me too.

Before I leave, I must get my house cleaned up, figure out what I’m taking with me, finish up a couple of projects, and pop a few things in the mail. It doesn’t seem like much, but also doesn’t seem like something I really need to keep putting off getting finished.

Okay, off too it then!

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Seahorses

A seahorse struggles to hold life, gasping for water
as it dies, wriggling into the position it will dry into.
Agony for the sake of amusement. A carcass is worth
the smile on the face of a child who will pick at the bits
left in the bony-plated shell of now peaceful being.

We contort into positions that seem unnatural,
drying out in the forty years to hold onto life.
Our fragile bodies are thirsty and becoming rigid
as the important few decide how human we are.

America, the land of those whose voices don’t frighten
the small-minded into recruiting toddlers to fight
the great injustices of equality and tolerance.
The little hands hold the hatred in words they cannot yet read,
and the seeming importance of what they are doing shows
on bright and happy faces. They aren’t the evil they spread.

Our bodies are labeled for easy identification,
classified and sorted so the yokels will know where to direct
hate and whose livelihoods are free to destroy.
Hate never stands a chance against love;
those of us who’ve bathed ourselves in this goodness of life
are catching they eyes of the sympathetic.
Hate is sitting on rather shaky ground.

The heroes haven’t all made it through,
drying out at the hands of assassins or themselves,
future great leaders struck down in youth
by the oppression of a nation plagued with fear.
They are the fuel of our passion, the fire driving us
to keep searching for a little more to drink.

The arms are starting to open up, to take us in.
Bodies are too numerous to count, the toll is high.
War is ugly, but the fallen find great honor in victory.
None will be forgotten as we start to find our new America,
falling safely into the comfort of new friends.

Carcasses won’t be on display anymore, the animals
will have been put back into the water, into their homes.
Christopher Street will remain peaceful, the rage
we still feel fading into history. We will know only trust.
The sun of that day is just throwing light across the horizon
and perhaps our children will finally see it rise.

7.1.2009

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Seahorses

A seahorse struggles to hold life, gasping for water
as it dies, wriggling into the position it will dry into.
Agony for the sake of amusement. A carcass is worth
the smile on the face of a child who will pick at the bits
left in the bony-plated shell of now peaceful being.

We contort into positions that seem unnatural,
drying out in the forty years to hold onto life.
Our fragile bodies are thirsty and becoming rigid
as the important few decide how human we are.

America, the land of those whose voices don’t frighten
the small-minded into recruiting toddlers to fight
the great injustices of equality and tolerance.
The little hands hold the hatred in words they cannot yet read,
and the seeming importance of what they are doing shows
on bright and happy faces. They aren’t the evil they spread.

Our bodies are labeled for easy identification,
classified and sorted so the yokels will know where to direct
hate and whose livelihoods are free to destroy.
Hate never stands a chance against love;
those of us who’ve bathed ourselves in this goodness of life
are catching they eyes of the sympathetic.
Hate is sitting on rather shaky ground.

The heroes haven’t all made it through,
drying out at the hands of assassins or themselves,
future great leaders struck down in youth
by the oppression of a nation plagued with fear.
They are the fuel of our passion, the fire driving us
to keep searching for a little more to drink.

The arms are starting to open up, to take us in.
Bodies are too numerous to count, the toll is high.
War is ugly, but the fallen find great honor in victory.
None will be forgotten as we start to find our new America,
falling safely into the comfort of new friends.

Carcasses won’t be on display anymore, the animals
will have been put back into the water, into their homes.
Christopher Street will remain peaceful, the rage
we still feel fading into history. We will know only trust.
The sun of that day is just throwing light across the horizon
and perhaps our children will finally see it rise.

7.1.2009

I don’t get it.

I got sucked in and now you can too!

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There is nothing in the world as wonderful as sugar free popsicles. It is one of those things that I cannot stop myself from eating once I start, which is why I look for the smallest boxes possible. Last night, I selected a rather large box, 24 popsicles, and had myself a little party. I stopped myself with 2 left and my tongue irreversibly in pain. Today, the reminder of that wonderful dinner is a dull pain that will eventually go away as my tongue heals. I guess you really can get too much of a good thing.

I went out with some work people the other night, a sort of Pride celebration of our own. It was nice to be out in the world. I rarely leave my house to enjoy myself, preferring solitude most of the time. After a little lesbian mud wrestling, some dancing, and general stupidity I remember what I liked about the world. Perhaps it is time to come out of seclusion.

While I’ve known this about myself for a long time, I really wish I wasn’t constantly reminded of it: I have trouble finding the line between friendship and love at the beginning stages of getting to know someone. I imagine that isn’t uncommon, but it does irritate me about myself. Spending time with someone who is fantastically poorly suited to me as a partner, but who I am ridiculously infatuated with, made the pleasantness of our evening a little tainted. I wish that social interaction was more natural to me. I always feel a little like I’m viewing everyone else in their natural habitat, like some sort of nature park. I almost never quite feel connected to all of the other people. I’m starting to wonder if my nephew might be right, but about all of us. Perhaps we really are just from another planet entirely.

I know that perfect person — the one who understands me as well as I will him — is out there. Patience can be trying, but I haven’t reached the end of it just yet. I do keep saying that; I suppose it is still true.

what i’m up to:
reading :: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire :: J.K. Rowling (yes, still!!!)
listening to :: No One Is Really Beautiful / Sarah :: Jude :&: The Freshmen (single) :: Jay Brannan

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anti-discrimination ordinance

Round Three!

I don’t know the outcome of tonight’s assembly meeting, but the testimonies and the images of people with signs has me thinking.

One of the most striking things — and the most obvious — is the separation of folks into blue shirts (those supporting the anti-discrimination ordinance) and red shirts (those opposing the ordinance). For some reason, my mind keeps going back to the time two of my closest friends chose ignorance over me. At the time, there was a day on campus when those in support of the GLBT community were told to wear jeans. My friends, fearing what others might think, wore khakis that day. They did at least feel guilty enough to confess to me that they had done that, but I’m sure they didn’t realize how hurtful it was for me to hear. I’ve never been able to get past that event. It is clearly one of the things that has pushed us apart as friends.

Seeing large groups of people whose agenda is to spread intolerance is difficult enough, but when they involve their children it is even worse. These kids should not be spending their time protesting people they’ve been taught to not understand. They appear bored, or in the case of the ones who are young enough, excited to be a part of something that seems so important. It is unfortunate that they don’t understand what it is they are doing. It saddens me that we live in this world.

I know far too many people from the “red shirt” side of things. These folks are family or have been close friends of mine over the years and I suppose it never dawned on me to be offended by this behavior. I guess I thought knowing me would eventually be enough, but it isn’t anymore. Those whose ignorance taints our relationship aren’t as welcome in my life as they used to be.

John’s blog — including blogging as the assembly meeting took place Wednesday evening
Heather’s blog — including blogging from the previous assembly meetings as well as transcripts.

reading

It has slowed a little, but I’m still on my reading kick. Today I read The Little Guide to Your Well-Read Life by Steve Leveen. This little book was pretty helpful for learning how to read and when. It makes a lot of points in a small amount of time. I especially liked the idea of organizing your bookshelves into “book candidates,” “books I’ve read very recently,” and “books I’ve read.” It seems obvious, but I have a tendency to arrange my shelves by genre. I then have to scan my shelves for a new book to read, waiting for one to jump out at me. He also talks about having many more books than you will ever read at home, an idea that has always seemed natural to me, but for which I guess I needed permission.

I’m still making my way through the 4th Harry Potter book, my friends having finished the series already. I find myself easily distracted, reading other things at the same time. My Folks Came in a Covered Wagon has been somewhat interesting too.

I’d like to be a part of a book group again. Maybe I’ll start one up if I can’t find one I like.

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This year seems to framed in terms of love. Every corner has been shaded in one way or another with beautiful acts of love — marriages, friendships, deepening relationships at every turn. It is a nice time to be alive, to know the people I know.

In two short weeks, Heather and John will get married. Words fail to express how perfect these two are with on another. They are two halves of a whole, seem meant to have found each other. I’m incredibly happy that they are starting a new chapter in their life and committing themselves more fully. It is powerful and I wish them all the luck in the world.

In July, another of my favorite people is getting married. My cousin Rebecca has long been one of those people whose kindness is so strong that it is humbling. Her attitude towards life has been overwhelmingly positive and she is a joy to know. She is definitely one of the members of my family who I’d want to know even if I was not related to them. I’ve not had the privilege to meet her fiancé, but the chatter has been that he is an amazing person who seems made for Beck.

I love couples. I’ve seemed to gravitate toward couple in my life and prefer being in the company of people who are deeply connected. As long as I don’t feel intrusive, which I must admit I often do at times, I enjoy being witness to such love. It has a sort of magic about it and I don’t need it for myself to appreciate. Love is so powerful. It has a presence. I can feel it filling to house when I visit my parents, hanging in the air before even entering the house. I feel it when David talks about Daniel and when Daniel’s eyes light up around David. Their love captures fully the spirit of the thing.

One day I’ll find that for myself, but I’m content for now to bask in the warmth of other people’s connections. Life feels perfect sometimes.

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The fight continues…

Adding the GLBT community to Anchorage’s anti-discrimination law has been quite the journey. For those who are unfamiliar, this all started in the 70s. At that time, there was a proposal to add sexual orientation to the state’s existing anti-discrimination policy. That proposal passed, but was vetoed by the mayor at the time. A few weeks later, the proposal passed again. Once again, the mayor vetoed. In the early 90s, an anti-discrimination policy including sexual orientation was enacted, but later repealed by a different assembly.

It is ludicrous that we are having this debate. It is absolutely insane that it is so accepted to play with other people’s protections. It isn’t enough to deny actual rights to gay and lesbian couples, these people go the extra step to ensure that members of their own community are not protected from employers or bankers who bring misguided religious beliefs into their business decisions. The proposed ordinance would prevent a person being turned down for housing based on sexual orientation.

Opponents of the ordinance feel that this would be pushing homosexuality on heterosexuals. What they really mean by that thought is they don’t want their right to exclude people they don’t understand taken away. They want to impose their own religious beliefs on others. And that is where their argument makes no sense. This is not a religious matter, but a civic one. Religious belief should keep away from it.

As a Christian myself, this sort of hate-mongering really gets under my skin. It isn’t in keeping with the lessons of love that dominate the Bible. It is such a non-issue. How is it that something so obviously not a part of Scripture has been concluded from it and used to oppress friends and neighbors. What hurts the most from these folks is the very common claim of several gay friends. Why would a person support something that prevents protections from people they refer to as friends. Ludicrous.

And really it all comes back to a larger issue. I’ve been working on some research on gay books and stumbled across a particularly irritating one. The premise of this title was to arm Christians with arguments against the new gay Christian movement. Are they serious? The synopsis claimed that this was an outreach; it stated that there was still hope for these gay Christians and that it was not their goal to push people away from God. Are they serious??? It makes me angry that there are actually Christians out there who are upset that other people are Christians. I think the worst part was the comment by a woman about her gay son. The hate in her comment made me feel so sad for her son that this sort of thinking exists in our world. And I felt so blessed to have the parents I have.

Why does this not make perfect sense to everyone else? How is it that we don’t wish for everyone to be happy and healthy and secure? How can we want anything except love and acceptance for everyone on our planet? I cannot wrap my mind around how parents can send their young children to protest the protections of other people.

Fortunately, the GLBT community is not alone. If we were, concerns about changing laws wouldn’t be as prominently on our minds. We have on our side an army of allies from the straight community who have taken up this fight, having recognized what I mentioned before. This is about friends, neighbors, family members. I owe these allies so much.

Heather & John have done more than anyone I know in Alaska to try to make sure it is a better place for me. I’m humbled by their diligence and cannot begin to express my gratitude. Anchorage Baptist Temple should look to these two as examples of how to treat other human beings. Neither approaches with hate, but with understanding, even when that understanding is for someone whose opinions makes very little sense to their own beliefs.

It is amazing to know people like this.

SOSAnchorage Blog

Enjoying Alaska

Last week, we celebrated Dru’s 30th with merriment at David & Daniel’s house. It was a nice evening, if a bit rainy. I love being surrounded by friends and these moments just seem perfect. We talked into the night in the relative closeness of the dining room and kitchen. But it was nice. Liz & Joan are talkative and enjoyable people to be around and I only regret that I tend to clam up in groups and enjoy the being rather than the interacting. Daniel and David are great hosts.

Tuesday, we celebrated Denis’ birthday with a similar soiree. We’d planned a small cookout, but surprised him with presents and guests. The sun was out and we spent our time on Denis’ deck and around a fire. The food was nice; I rediscovered my love of corn on the cob. The group was similar to last week’s and I once again retreated into myself after a time.

I love Anchorage summers almost as much as I love the winters. It is nice to sit outside with friends until almost midnight in the daylight. It was a good day.

Today was warm. I threw open the doors I could and opened up my windows and just let the air through. It was nice.

what i’m up to:
reading :: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire :: J.K. Rowling
listening to :: We Are Glitter :: Goldfrapp

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I’ve been doing a lot of both lately. I’m currently working on a number of stories. I hope they work towards something great. Thoughts and suggestions greatly appreciated. Ask me for more details. I’ve also located my journal from my trip to France in 1996. I’m almost finished typing up the original and will add to the France page as I get to the notes.

Currently, I’m reading:

Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You :: Peter Cameron
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban :: J.K. Rowling

Books I’ve got lined up to read soon:

Vast Fields of Ordinary :: Nick Burd
Glinda of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate :: Jacqueline Kelly
Bambi :: Felix Salten
The Dark is Rising :: Susan Cooper

Books I’ve read this year so far:

The Giraffe :: Marie Nimier
David Inside Out :: Lee Bantle
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets :: J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone :: J.K. Rowling
Snugglepot and Cuddlepie :: May Gibbs
The Magic of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Tin Woodman of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Lost Princess of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
Rinkitink in Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Scarecrown of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
Sky Island :: L. Frank Baum
Tik-Tok of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Patchwork Girl of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
Dot and Tot in Merryland :: L. Frank Baum
The Emerald City of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Enchanted Apples of Oz :: Eric Shanower
The Speckled Rose of Oz :: Donald Abbott
The Sea Fairies :: L. Frank Baum
Finding the Boyfriend Within :: Brad Gooch
The Magical Monarch of Mo :: L. Frank Baum
The Road to Oz :: L. Frank Baum
Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz :: L. Frank Baum
Ozma of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Marvelous Land of Oz :: L. Frank Baum

 

27 May 2009

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Of course I do! Here are some recent covers I’ve fallen in love with:

I’ve got a lot of reading going right now. I plan on reading The Evolution of Calpernia Tate, but I doubt I get any of the others from my above list. I’m currently working on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Snugglepot and Cuddlepie, The Giraffe, Glinda of Oz, & The Thrive Diet.

I love my job sometimes. This isn’t one of those times.