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Bea

The swan lands, awkwardly gliding
into water among strangers, among friends.
On the far horizon, the ponds edges
kiss coy stars, lurking in the dusk.
The swan gracefully turns her long neck;
her eyelids close softly — contentedly.
A world escapes behind veils of thin skin;
the murmur of voices fades to silence.
Gently, the elegant bird tucks her beak
under her wing and lets peace take her.

4.26.2009

Notes

Written 26 April 2009 in Anchorage, Alaska.

Brian Fuchs, “Bea” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)

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I’m into tea again. I didn’t really ever stop, but I had been drinking really mediocre teas for a while and it just wasn’t the same. Not everyone agrees, but I love Republic of Tea. We got in another tea order in (because apparently Alaskans love tea a lot) and I couldn’t resist. I got me a couple tins of white teas and one rooibos.

Harney & Sons makes a really wonderful Earl Grey White… try it, love it. Even better than black earl greys.

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Well, probably not. But I did like these paper ornaments that I made. I think I’ll make sets of them to sell, but I’m not sure if I should make them and require that the person buying them put together the top part or if I should sell them already assembled and just charge the extra shipping. I’d like to assume people aren’t stupid, but… hmm.

I have been searching the corners of the earth for seahorse stamps. So far, I’ve purchased two. I will stop after 2 or 3 more. I really need a variety and a variety of sizes to really make the most use of them. My search brought several really great sites into my radar too. In the spirit of sharing (which I hear is a good thing), here’s a little list of the craft sites I like:

}}starlit studio :: all my favorite companies on one site. tim holtz is my new favorite person.
}}purl soho :: if you need yarn or fabric, go here first.
}}scrap your trip :: there is so much more to it than that! good deals and reasonable shipping rates to alaska
}}gorey details :: i’m not into most of the stuff on this site, but they have some really different rubber stamps. i bought 2. lots of fun edward gorey stuff.
}}river city rubber works :: some really beautiful stamps. a bit pricey, but if they’ve got what you want, they are probably the only ones who do.
}}rubber stamp plantation :: for all your hawaiian needs. okay, i don’t need much from this site. they have a really amazing seahorse and many many many…. MANY turtles to choose from.

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Just getting over a slight cold. Not too bad.

WHERE DID APRIL GO ALREADY!?!!? I wasn’t ready to really get into this month and half of it slipped away quietly. I confused. I guess it was all the Charmed I’ve been watching that could have tipped me off… how else could I have gotten through so much?

Work hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be… yet. Stacy being gone is weird. I keep forgetting that she isn’t going to take care of certain things and I must get them done. Fortunately, the scheduling managers seem to understand at the moment and are seeing that I get more time to actually do my job. And I think I’ll like my job more without another person to use as a crutch. I mean, it was nice to have someone to depend on, but I think it will be nice to just make my own mistakes. My first order of business was to take down the wall of pictures over the desk. I needed to take ownership visually, so it had to change. I really do think it will all be just fine.

I was hungry for mushrooms, Asian noodles, and/or eggs… so I decided I should have them together. Don’t do that. It wasn’t very good. I should have just had eggs.

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-I’m ready for meals in pill form. Food is exhausting and always makes me sick.
-David is a really helpful guy… most of the time.
-I obsess with things easily. It’s okay.
-I really don’t mind driving Daniel places.
-Work is going to be really stressful for a while.
-I wonder why it is that on good days the seed in my seedless orange is in the first wedge and on bad days it is in the last.
-I wish winter was longer, but I still miss summer sometimes.
-Sometimes I’m ashamed to be me, but usually I’m pretty proud of it.
-I love Target.
-I always come home from work with rubber bands on my wrist.

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are we nearing the end of the contents of my head?

I’ve spent a lot of time reading my old Xanga & LiveJournal blogs. I used to have a lot to say… about everything. I think I believed that when I got my website that I was required to become an adult somehow. That is surely why I’ve become so passive with my postings. It seems silly now. I’m also going to try to get all of my old posts from those sites added in here. How fun will that be!?!?

My 10 Favorite Ozites (so far):
10. Betsy Bobbin (first appears in Tik-Tok of Oz) Betsy is very similar to Dorothy, but a bit sunnier. She curious and adventurous, but has less of a tendency to argue than Dorothy does. Maybe she is just better because she is from Oklahoma.
9. The Shaggy Man (first appears in The Road to Oz) Shaggy seems to always be around, which is often useful. He’s clever and wise and carries the Love Magnet with him sometimes, which makes people love him. He is one of the kindest of the adult characters in Oz.
8. Eureka the Kitten (first appears in Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz) The best thing about this little kitten is her willingness to eat another character, which she does not get away with. But she still tried. And then, she didn’t feel sorry about it at all.
7. Jack Pumpkinhead (first appears in The Land of Oz) He hasn’t been used much so far, but I like how simple he is. Ignorant, but not completely stupid.
6. The Glass Cat (first appears in The Patchwork Girl of Oz) She made of clear glass and for a while has pink brains that you can see working. Well written cat part, she never really cares about anyone but herself. She does mellow out when her pink brains are changed to clear.
5. Billina (first appears in Ozma of Oz) Originally named Bill, this yellow hen is so sassy that I immediately fell for her. All chickens in Oz are descendants of Billina and are all named Dorothy (hens) or Daniel (roosters).
4. The Hungry Tiger (first appears in Ozma of Oz) I love that this tiger wants to eat babies, but in fact won’t eat anything that is alive because he’d feel bad about it. I am really hoping he is used more, as he has only appeared briefly in the books he’s been in.
3. Tin Woodman (first appears in The Wizard of Oz). Nick Chopper is perhaps the most tender hearted character in all of Oz. He won’t even allow Ojo to kill a butterfly to save the lives of two people. He’s also one of the more level headed characters.
2. Button-Bright (first appears in The Road to Oz). At four, he is adorable, answering “don’t know” to everything. Older Button-Bright is adventurous and brave. He doesn’t complain about anything.
1. Ojo the Lucky (first appears in The Patchwork Girl of Oz). Known at first as Ojo the Unlucky, The Tin Woodman changes it when he decides the reasons for Ojo being unlucky are nonsense. Ojo is kind, he’s fair, and he isn’t afraid to break the law to save a family member. I like that.

I am on book #9 of 40, so my favorites are certainly likely to change.
Characters I DON’T care for: Scarecrow, Scraps the Patchwork Girl, The Wizard, Polychrome*, & The Woozy. Maybe these characters will eventually do something to win me over, but they really haven’t so far. *Polychrome’s role in Sky Island was great, but it isn’t an Oz book.

To Oz:

I have had a lot of related story ideas that are all just starting to come together more clearly as a single book. I think I am going to adapt them to the Ozian universe and write two or three Oz books. I like the idea of my story, but the more I read of the Oz series, the more I feel like my own fantasy book for kids would end up sounding like one of them, so I’m just going to force it. I still think they are well worth reading.

The Empty Frat House:

The guys who lived above me for a year are gone. David & Denis have been furiously working all month to get the place ready for someone new to move it. I’m actually looking forward to seeing who takes it. Those guys were pretty darn rude most of the time. Meanwhile, the silence has been rather nice. Although a sinus infection has been keeping me rather lethargic, I’ve been able to write into the evening without a party starting overhead at midnight. It is nice. The new folks might be night owls like I tend to be, but as long as they don’t pack the place with 20 extra people each night, we should get along just fine. I hope it rents out quickly. I don’t like for Denis to have to worry so much about it.

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Once upon a time, things seemed simple.

Of all the book sites out there, I’ve found Shelfari to be the easiest to use. That is all changing rapidly. They keep “improving” the site, which apparently means complicating every tiny detail. It is still the best out there, but really that now only means they are the least crappy of several really crappy sites.

Any book site I’m missing that is wonderful??? Apparently, it isn’t going to be Shelfari for long… and it certainly isn’t GoodReads.

I’m not looking for a new MySpace. That already exists.

Frustrated…

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Why is everyone the same?

Each time a customer comes in and asks me for a book I’ve been asked for a thousand times, I want to say “yep, you are just one of the sheep.” There is a world of overlooked books out there! No, you don’t need to read The Shack or Twilight or Marley & Me.

I am looking for the next great novel to read. I’m greatly enjoying my trips to Oz, but I’m really searching for something different. Any suggestions?

Night before last, I had a series of nightmares, which is fairly unusual for me. In one, I was walking up to the house where Daniel lived (actually my grandparents’ house) and was really scared because the screen door was open and knocking against the house. Inside, I could see Daniel pacing back and forth. Okay, so in retrospect that isn’t much of a nightmare, but at the time it felt like one.

In another I was visiting some walruses in a marine park where there were several dozen in a rather warm pool of water. They were all really quite happy to be there and were jumping into the air and doing tricks like dolphins. One almost hit me with his tusks, but it was an innocent mistake. When playtime was over, we went into the nuclear plant where they worked with an assemblage of rather cantankerous penguins and taskmaster rock monsters. The walruses went into cubicles off to the side for a safety drill and demonstration for my benefit. Only the rock monsters could be out during the drill. During the video demonstration of what might happen during a bombing, a bombing actually occurred. Everyone was safe, but downstairs at Mardel, several employees were killed. Since I was the HR manager of the plant, I met with some of the others to put our plan into motion. I’d overheard one of the Mardel managers saying that they would not be taking any precautions, which I brought up to decrease our liability. As I read over the procedures for handling a bombing from corporate, I started to cry. And then I woke up. There were a lot of things going on in this dream, but the impending sense of doom was constant. And maybe I’ve retained a deep hatred for Mardel stores.

There were others. I don’t recall the events, but several woke me up. Last nights dreams also woke me up several times, but they were altogether more pleasant… too much so in the case of one I just won’t go into details on. I promise it didn’t mean anything though. 😉

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My brain seems a bit more in order than it had in a long while. I’ve felt scattered for a few months. Well, if I’m honest, I’ve felt like a huge screw up. But no matter, I’m feeling a bit more sorted out. After a relatively long dry spell, I’ve been writing again. It is nice to have the words return when it happens. It is a feeling that almost makes those blocks worth it. Scratch that, let them stay this time.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading again too. It seems that with my brain functioning fully, I can do a great many things. I’ve discovered L Frank Baum. What a fantastic imagination he had! For a few years now I’ve wanted to read the original 40 Oz books, the first 14 of which were written by Baum. I’m on book #5 right now, The Road To Oz. They are such fun books and keep interesting even without any violence. There is a little bit of conflict in each book, but it isn’t typically a murderous villain. The foes are thoughtful characters who explain themselves and the position they are in. I wish I’d found these books in childhood. I tend to create worlds in the way Baum did. I’ve secured 12 of the 14 of his books and I’ll find the final 2 I need this weekend. As is typical, they all seem to be between printings. Ruth Plumly Thompson, the second and most prolific Oz author will take me a lot more time. 15 of her 19 books are still in print, but somewhat expensive. I’ll have to buy them slowly and may never get to read the last few unless they are reprinted. The cheapest copy of one of them I found was $150… I don’t need to read it that bad!

Coup

Icons crumble, gasping for desperate breaths.
The poets have been usurped by melancholy memoirists,
aching to have original lives.
Every story seems to be told, despite repetition
despite repetition
despite repetition,
offering nothing new to literature, to life.
I keep sweeping up remnants of fallen giants —
Thoreau, Dickinson, Whitman, O’Hara;
I even find Baum and Steinbeck and Spyri in the wreckage —
I collect the bits I can in a beautiful vessel where they remain safe.
Nobody seems to be searching for the treasures,
the once proud glory of the masters of Word fades into irrelevance.
Picking through the pieces still brings me joy
even if I’ve no one to share them with;
I wish I were as beautiful whole as they are in shards.

2.16.2009

Peacocks
for Stacy

Peacocks are blue and green and brown
they have really long necks and wear a crown.
Peacocks sit in trees or run on the ground;
they cry out “help” — it’s a very loud sound.
Peacocks strut proudly, displaying a train.
Peahens gather ’round, all the color of champagne.
Peacocks are indigo and eau de nil;
they roost in our hearts, making them fill.

I’m not wild about this little thing, but I wrote it in order to create a project for Stacy. It is growing on me, but rhyming of any kinds tends to make my skin crawl.
1.27.2009

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My stomach decided to go on the attack and I have been really unhappy for about 24 hours. Blah! I’ve medicated and hopefully will be all better very soon.

I really did spend the day being pretty unhappy. I had friends over late, I couldn’t sleep because of my stomach issues, and overslept for work. I felt really bad. And then I couldn’t seem to get anything right at work. Grr.

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Many paper companies released Valentine’s Day collections last summer. Those who didn’t only waited until October to do so. That was smart. Now, when Valentine’s is finally on everyone’s minds, those collections can easily be found at many retailers. Maybe it is because I am so bitter over never having had a Valentine of my own, but I hate this holiday. I do more to celebrate Groundhog Day than Valentine’s Day. Because of that, most of the products make me a little bit ill. The ones I put on here do not. In fact, several companies did a really nice job this year with making the day of love more tolerable.

Cosmo Cricket
Chemistry
I love Cosmo Cricket. With Chemistry, they are getting even closer to a Valentine’s line I can stomach. I basically like the colors and the idea behind this one, but it falls on the too-funky-for-me side of things. I may need some for some cardmaking, but I can generally skip this one. I’d still recommend it for Valentine’s that are just a little different. Next time, I’d like to see something edgier from the fantastic people at Cosmo Cricket.
B+

SEI
Lovebirds
I love the bird theme of this V-Day collection. I especially liked the “Love Nest” paper. Great idea. I am not wild about the shade of pink used in this collection though. Even worse, I don’t think the collection coordinates all that well. Since each paper is so unique, they needed to be unified with color and I don’t find that they really are here. These will make great individual sheets to be used on projects, but really don’t do great together, which I feel they really should. SEI paper is always great to work with, so still might be worth your time.
B

Basic Grey
Bittersweet
These are beautiful papers! Browns and pinks still look fresh together and the candy theme is delicious.. hehe. This is a very sophisticated collection that will make Valentine’s layouts really pop. Basic Grey keep getting better at putting together these collections. Negative note: I don’t like the names of the papers, which is rather insignificant to using them.
A-

K & Co.
Brenda Walton’s Sweet Talk
Quintessential Valentine’s Day! This collection is so perfect. It reminds me of being a kid and checking my white paper bag to see if I had received any Valentines that day. If you want to do it traditionally, this is the way to go! Quite likely my favorite of the Valentine’s Day paper collections this year, if only for the nostalgia.
A

Making Memories
Love Notes
Like Valentine’s Day at great-grandma’s house, but not necessarily in a bad way. I actually quite like the “Doily Hearts” paper and the “Sampler” paper. It is a nice collection that goes very well together and makes great use of kraft paper, which is one of my weaknesses. I love kraft paper! I think this is a solid collection from MM. They may not make me jump up and down, but the never disappoint me either.
B

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I’ve been digging through websites in an attempt to catch previews of the upcoming releases from various craft companies. CHA is at the end of this month and I haven’t been able to hold out. Tim Holtz is clearly not offering any previews. I was hoping, but I’m hardly surprised. 7gypsies has a preview coming soon and I’m very curious.

I did see the new releases from Cosmo Cricket and I’m really excited to get my hands on some of it! They did a great job of creating some new collections. I’d really like to see another Wanted or Gretel come out during the Summer CHA, but these new ones will look great in my crafting for a while.

Snorkel
This new collection is bright a fun, but with far more depth than the releases a year ago. It is vintage Cosmo Cricket, with weathered edged papers and beautifully coordinating colors. I’m not a fan of the beach myself, but I can’t help loving this. I was immediately drawn to the claw brackets journaling tag and the “Current” paper. I’m going to make a lot of use of this paper for punches of color in my projects.
A

Everafter
I love the Everafter collection. Not only will it make for beautiful wedding themed cards and layouts, but would be great as a framed group of papers. They have a smaller pattern than I would normally use, but I still really like the patterns they do have. The best part is that Cosmo Cricket released a collection that is in the colors I am currently using in my home. Greys, whites, oranges, and blues are beautiful together. I look forward to picking up a lot of this paper as soon as it is available.
A+

Lil’ Man
This collection is really just an expansion and revision of Lil’ Boys from the Biography 101 collection. I like its simplicity; it has a wonderfully vintage feel and doesn’t beat you over the head with masculinity. Since Lil’ Boys is an 8×8 paper pad, this 12×12 collection will go really well with it or will look nice by itself. I’m really taken with “Dapper Dan” and “Handsome Henry.”
B

Girl Friday
My least favorite of the new Cosmo Cricket releases, this collection ain’t too shabby. School girls are such an easy scrapbooking subject and this group of papers works well for that very purpose. Whereas Lil’ Man is an expansion of an existing collection, Girl Friday is an entirely new collection. While I doubt I make use of any of the papers in this collection, the Girl Friday Elements are a must-have for my scrapbooks. I will overbuy these as soon as I can.
B-

Along with these new full collections, Cosmo Cricket also is releasing spinner cards, which are kinda fun, and two new blackboard albums. Scarlet is great, but the shape has been done by Basic Grey very recently. The Flirt album is pretty much useless to me. It has a very small surface area and its shape is too funky for me.

There is so much coming in the crafting world. I’m much more excited by what I see than I was during most of 2008. It seems cool is coming back again!

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Christmas is starting to get further and further behind us. It all just rushed by too quickly this year. I normally don’t care for the holidays, but really felt good about them this year. It felt as though I had found a place I really belonged. I’m relieved to have found people I am that comfortable around and who seemed just as happy to include me in their plans. I could not have been blessed with better friends.

It has been a good year. I have a terrific job, amazing friends, & life seems generally great. I cannot hope for much more from 2009. I’m looking forward to finding out what this year will be all about.

I try not to make any resolutions, so I will continue resisting. Six months from now I may find that I stopped or started something very near the beginning of the year. That happened when I stopped eating meat (2007) and when I stopped using plastic bags (2008). I wonder who I’ll be during the year I turn 30.

And now, some dreadful poetry.

New

The ends are beginning
arbitrary moments in time —
halts

reflection washes over the dissatisfied
resolve replacing regret as a new chapter is written
in a life not quite lived, but often contemplated

Time does not pause
does not wait for understanding
does not wait for readiness
does not cooperate
does not expect us to be someone new

12.31.2008

Yep, that was horrible! I guess they can’t all be amazing.

I’m really looking forward to starting the business I want to start. I need to save some money first though. I think an online retail business is something I am very capable of doing though. For now, etsy will have to be my outlet for that. It has been fun creating some things just for the shop. I am itching to get into buying wholesale papercrafting supplies and selling them though. It’ll happen.

I’ve been pretty homesick for my family in Oklahoma. Fortunately, I’ve been able to surround myself with love, which has helped. I still am anxious to get home for a visit, but listlessness does nothing for me. I’d rather feel whole and visit because I want to, not because I have to. July seems so far away though.

I hope the holidays are treating everyone as well as they have been treating me.

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Last night I saw Milk, Gus Van Sant’s new movie about Harvey Milk. It was amazing and worth watching for anyone. Harvey Milk has always been one of my idols and this film painted his life so beautifully. Sean Penn portrays him so well that I often forgot that I was watching Sean Penn… that is a great thing.

Get out there and see this one. It is a moving tribute to a real hero.

We’ve started an etsy shop. Visit it here! I’m starting out a bit simple, but as soon as I make more time there will be more stuff on there. Visit, spend money, repeat frequently.

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I’ve been trying to find the words. Life has seemed so dreamlike, but simultaneously empty since Thanksgiving. I don’t mean to make this about me. Like so many things in life though, my narcissism will likely take over here.

Thanksgiving 2008 will be one of those days that sticks in my mind; it’s a day that shook things up. It may have changed everything, but it is far too soon to tell. During dinner, David proposed to Daniel. He brought the ring in on a piece of pumpkin pie, told Daniel that he was thankful for him and asked Daniel to marry him. I could barely control my emotions. Neither could anyone else. My entire body sighed with relief and excitement as Daniel said yes to David.

I have no way to express how beautiful that moment was and how happy it makes me feel; the words aren’t enough or are not quite there. It just filled me with great peace.

But this has meant much more to me than that. This year has been important for me. I spent my early twenties thinking I could take care of everyone else — should take care of everyone else. It brought me a great deal of happiness, but took so much of my energy that I never stopped to take care of myself. As soon as I got into a groove, I couldn’t remember how to take care of myself and have spent my late twenties content to be alone. I feel like I am just waiting for the next person who needs me to take care of them, resisting full on codependency only just. I forgot how to chase down dates and how to talk to men. I’m now paralyzed with fear, my instincts drained away with my youth.

I can’t sleep. This engagement has been a painful wake-up call of sorts. I want so much to find the love that I see between David & Daniel. I can’t help my jealousy, which I’m terrified to say I’ve often misinterpreted as longings for both of them. Coming together in this way made things clearer. This is right. Heaven opened up and touched these two lovely souls and built a mutual path for them to travel together. I want that. I deserve that. I need that.

I’ve never been interested in playing around, going through lines of guys trying to find one I can spend my life with and just sleeping with the rest. I want a friend — a soulmate. I believe it is out there for me and I am so anxious to find it.

I’m very happy for my friends. This next year is going to be amazing. And I will not accept loneliness anymore. My life is waiting and I cannot keep putting it on hold for needy friends who don’t need me to stop being myself.

Congratulations David & Daniel! You two are perfect and give me hope. I love you both.