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Justin’s Eye

Today is on Justin’s walking schedule, so I waited for him to get up and go to the park.  When he got up, his eye was swollen nearly shut.  He went to urgent care and they prescribed antibiotics, but also told him to take allergy medication and use ointment until it all clears up.  I assumed he was off the hook for exercise; there’s no need to push it if you have an infection, but after he got back I announced I was going for a walk and he came with me.  He got in a little over a quarter of a mile, but considering one of his eyes is puffed up and he can’t see out of it, I would say that’s actually impressive.  It tells me he is willing to put in some work.  Things change!

The day was a little too warm.  I said I was shooting for 2 miles, but after about 1.5, I started heading back.  It was too hot, the park was filling with kids, and I was starting to need to use the restroom.  I felt great, and I still do, but I decided to just go home and be done with it!  If I feel up to it this evening, I might go out for more.   We’ll see.  I really want to be doing 3 miles a day starting on the 1st, so I really should keep it up.  Twice a day feels very manageable.  There and back, four times around the park, plus just a little extra is 1.5 miles.  That sounds easy.  11 times around plus a little extra sounds daunting.

Photo of the Day (sticks found at 11th & Washington, Guthrie, OK)

On the 24th, I picked up a magnolia seed pod and carried it home.  It sort of triggered me to start picking up things and bringing them home on my walks.  I don’t know if that is permanent, but it is fun.  Today I found confetti.  I might actually try to pick more of that up; we don’t need that much plastic in the soil, but it is hard to get a hold of.  Even if it is larger pieces.  I had decided to grab the strap in my walking photo during my walk yesterday, but forgot it.  It still counts!

I’ve been thinking about the way I organize my journaling.  The Wandering Hermit was on a separate site, so it has always been a separate entity, as are my book notes.  I think I’d like to create a new journaling template for 2026, something that has spaces for all the different things as well as my sort of daily to do list.  I can clip from it, but it would consolidate my days into a single post in DayOne, which I think I might quite like.  It also might make my website cleaner if I’m posting once a day (except for reviews and whatnot).  I’ll work on that.

[Walk #337, 1.63 miles]

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Strickland Park

Well, today did not go as planned.  It never does!  I went to Glencoe to see if the Brent & the guys he hired had gotten all of the trash, and no.  They did not.  On the way, I got a text from Sonja asking about when the mobile home would be gone and the area cleaned up.  Her patience is almost certainly wearing thin, and I don’t understand why I am the only one who can deal with this issue.  I called Brent & he contacted the buyer of the mobile home, but I told him he and I had to return next week to get it done.  So, hopefully we can finish.  He wants me to transport OPEN cans of paint in my car because his truck is too precious.  Then rent a trailer.  It’s ridiculous that we are still having these fights.

I needed to decompress, so Justin and I went shopping at Five Below and Dollar Tree, followed by a walk at Strickland Park.  Since I was in Stillwater, I thought it would be nice as I said yesterday, to go walk somewhere in the area.  And it was.  There’s a lot of fun stuff at Strickland, and the trail is walkable, even though the playground dominates the space.  During school hours on a weekday was a great time to go get in my steps.  It made me want to walk all the area parks.  Maybe I will make a checklist and just visit them all!

I talked to Conner on the phone on my way home.  He’s hoping to get out of Stillwater at some point.  I think it is a good idea if that’s what he wants to do!  There’s a world out there and there is no reason to not get out and just enjoy life.  I was so happy to hear his mom had come by to have lunch and do some painting.  It’s been rocky, but I’m glad to see things are in such a good place with her.  Now, if we can just get his dad there as well!

Even with the stress that lingers from Glencoe, I felt pretty good today.  The walk was nice, the pollen was a little lower, the temperature wasn’t so bad.  

[Walk #328, 1.12 miles]

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92ºF

It’s so hot!  I actually thought it seemed okay when I headed out, but while I was walking it was uncomfortably warm and by the time I got home, I was drenched in sweat.  To be fair, I was also working on my pace.  And it went pretty well: 20’29”/mile.

I’m thinking about going to Stillwater & Glencoe tomorrow, and if I do, I’d like to walk somewhere there that I don’t normally get to walk.  I still can hopefully get in an early morning walk, just in case.  I want to go up there to get some vinca from the old place to plant at my new house.  It isn’t ideal to replant this time of year, but I need to grab some of the vinca before I can’t.  

[Walk #327, 1.38 miles]

 

Playlist

  1. Toujours, La Grande Dame & Magenta Club
  1. Indélébile, Christophe Willem & Zaho
  1. She Works Hard for the Money, Donna Summer
  1. Star Quality, The Cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race
  1. All Over Your Face, Cazwell
  1. Rendezvous, Years & Years
  1. Feel Good Inc., Gorillaz & De La Soul (feat. David Jolicoeur, Kelvin Mercer & Vincent Mason)
  1. Emojis, Adam Casanova (feat. Abby Parra)
  1. Rêvalité, –M–

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I’ve still got a horrible cold. I’m on the non-stop coughing stage, which makes me sound like a “demon frog” according to a coworker. I’ve spent far too much money on medicine that seems to have done nothing, although it did allow me to work for more than a week.

As I wasn’t in the mood for much else, I spent my sick days watching the three seasons of Boston Legal that are on DVD. It is such an addictive show, but knowing that there is no more for a while, I can move on and find something else to occupy my time.

Most of the paper I had ordered has now arrived and I need to really start in on my scrapbooks if it is not to seem wasteful to have purchased the supplies. I am waiting for copies of photos from my parents for a lot of my pages, but I can certainly do some things with photos of my friends here (if they will get me some).

I have not started back up at the gym. I can’t really go while I am sick, so I will just have to go as soon as I can, which hopefullly is this week, but we will see. I really miss it right now.

Featured Image Art: still from Boston Legal

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Last Thursday, David Eugene turned 37. He might threaten bodily harm for revealing that, but it is not a secret. I think that is a really nice age to be. I hope I agree with that statement when I turn 37, but it seems a nice age to me at the moment. I’ve felt rather uncomfortable in my 20’s. I think I have really been waiting to age — like some sort of fruit that needs to ripen to be appreciated. My skin just has felt wrong. Don’t get me wrong now; basically, I have been content with my life, even finding moments of great pleasure in these past 8 years. It just doesn’t feel right yet. I’m sorry that David feels older than he’d like to be. For his birthday, we worked a very long day and then went to Gallo’s for a little merriment. Pictured are Sherri, me, David, & one of the Donnas. Donna’s daughter and a friend were also there. I love small crowds of interesting people. If we didn’t have to get up so early the next morning, that night could have gone on for hours.

Man, I have been so sick lately. I woke up Sunday feeling horrible. It has slowly gotten better, but I have had a sore throat, fever, headache, and I have been exhausted. I barely moved from bed for 2 days (and by bed I mean couch).

untitled (‘evil’)

Perhaps we expect too much of the dead
assuming their now saintly statuses —
dooming former loved ones to watch us

The cats are restless
stirring as they do when I need
to be lost in thought
They are minions sent to keep
me from discovering my true self
sent to distract me from revealing
the mysteries in my soul

They will fail

Is all of existence a vessel of evil?
Maybe it is just me, here, now
that needs to know that evil exists
Only this can prove the presence of good
and that life is meaningful

I want to know everything

I’m worried about my dead friends
and somehow upset that others have left me
rather than just dying
At least death cannot be my fault
It is easier than accepting
that I am not always enough

8.17.2006 / 10.10.2007

Featured Image Art: photo of Sherri, Brian, David, & Donna

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I am fairly okay with having very little. I’ve never equated money with happiness… most of the time anyway. But money not equaling happiness has not kept a lack of money from equaling unhappiness. It’s true. I have recently found myself very poor indeed — learning the same lessons I learned five years ago. The difference is that I didn’t need to learn them again. I already knew that the systems in place keep the poor from overcoming their poverty. I am fully aware that the more money you have, the easier it is to get money. This is the American economic system at work. What I didn’t bank on was my own personal will driving me into a state that is increasingly difficult to rise above.

I moved to Alaska with fairly small dreams actually. I didn’t want to do anything grand — I just wanted to be here in this place. It really does make me happy. But not having big dreams, I have had to rely on the small pay of the retail world to get by. That can be difficult, but I had family to give me a roof over my head when I needed it. That situation ended and I am staying with a friend, but have to figure out how to live again soon. I had quit my full time job and was relying on part time to get me by. This week, I start my full time position at Michaels. I need it. Since David was promoted, I am being required to move by Christmas or risk losing my new position and being sent to the old store… and I know David wants his space. It was very generous of him to take me in.

But how can I do that reasonably? I have tossed around the idea/plan of getting a place with Heather & Jake. I don’t know if that is a great idea, given what different places in our lives we are all in, but it is a financially responsible way of going about things. The requirements are vastly different though. I like a neighborhood that is alive and colorful, rather than a quiet community of strangers. How can we all be happy together? My other option is to apply for low income housing at one of the apartment complexes in town. It is a relatively private place, but has a lot of character in its own right. I am not too proud to seek that kind of assistance, but then I would feel like I am betraying my good friends who are looking for somewhere new to live.

I am tired all the time. I think the things going on recently have affected me more than I was ready to admit. I need a second job, but don’t want to give up so much of my freedom. I probably will have little choice in the end. I can’t just not look for a job. It is vital that I do so I can have the necessary money to get a new apartment.

The gym. The whole idea is so daunting now. I love my gym time, but haven’t gone is so long because of various circumstances. I want to start over, go frequently, and push myself harder. I felt better and happier when I was going 6 days a week. I am over being fat. I hate going to buy pants and being limited to certain stores because so many don’t make the right size. And even those that have the correct waist are insultingly large in the leg, making me seem much larger than I actually am. And finding the right length is hard too. I have similar issues with shirts. I am just over being in this body because I feel like a different person inside. I’d like to take time to uncover that person.

Featured Image Art: János Hajnal, “VOLPI” (1964)

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If anyone has a clue as to how I should do my circuit training at the gym, let me know. I am currently doing 2 sets of 12 reps on every machine (broken up by a 10 minute aerobic workout between)… to get used to working out and using the muscles. I’m not sure if reps are more important or if I should spend a certain amount of time on each machine. It is all so foreign to me.

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Okay, I admit that it is unwise to eat things that you know will cause some sort of allergic reaction. It boils down to common sense. Why would you knowingly ingest something that will cause your tongue or neck to swell. But that is the game I have been playing. I have come to the conclusion that I have a slight allergy to sunflower nuts. To test my theory, I have been continuing to eat sunflower nuts & things made with sunflower oil to see what sort of reaction I might have. If you are interested, the nuts seem to cause my tongue to swell, the oil seems to cause my neck to swell. It is all very curious. It is also entirely possible that I am reacting to something other than sunflowers. I’d have to be willing to go to the doctor to come to any real conclusion about my health. Paying for insurance is one thing, actually finding a physician and making appointments is quite another. I also have this quirky notion that I want a female doctor. I’m not sure why that is exactly and maybe it is just best to not delve into that.

I have been thinking about the direction of this site since I restarted it back in March. I think it is only natural for it to evolve, but it lacks a clear purpose. Maybe that is best, but I would like a bit of structure. Watch for changes soon. I doubt anything drastic will be altered, but a few minor details will. I’d like to get others reading this soon. {that isn’t to say I don’t love y’all who do read this — you’re my favorite people!}

Updates: new page — brian’s body: an exploration
Activities: worked at Borders
Food: Oreo Javakula, onion fettuccini, veggie calzone, salad (iceberg lettuce & blue cheese dressing), orange soda {admittedly not my healthiest food day on record. They can’t all be! Plus, I needed some comfort food after the day I had at work.}

Image: vintage botanical illustration of Sunflower

Featured Image Art: AI Image (created using Wonder AI)

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Life can really slap you in the face sometimes. I got a gentle reminder that I am not in control on Monday. My brother called me at work; I knew something was wrong, since he had never called me at work before. “Don’t freak out,” he said, “but Dad had another heart attack. He is fine; they flew him to Mercy Hospital in [Oklahoma] City.”

Don’t freak out? Is it ever possible to not freak out when you are told not to freak out? Of course, the first thing I thought of is that I hope Mom doesn’t reach for a bottle. That just wouldn’t help anything, but knew that it was a strong possibility. Brent gave me all the information he had and told me that he would keep me posted. I was pretty much useless the rest of the day at work.

When I got home, I called Brent. Everything seemed to have gone smoothly. The heart attack started around 1:00 p.m. & by 3:45 p.m. they had finished putting in a stent at a hospital 60 miles away. My dad had wanted to play a joke on my mom at the hospital. He wanted the nurse to get him a toe tag and pull the sheet up over his head for her arrival. She would not have been amused, so I am thankful that the nurse refused. I do, however, find it funny myself.

I finally talked to him that evening. He sounded fine & had plenty of energy. What scares me is that it was a massive attack and his doctor said he was lucky to have gone to the hospital when he did; he might not have survived otherwise. I am not ready at all for something like that to happen. Not only can I not imagine losing one of my parents, but mine are both great friends and people I would want to know even if I wasn’t related to them. They are good people, wonderfully naïve about the indecencies in the world. Wholesome.

It has really made me think though. I guess this is a typical reaction — the assessment of the family bond and the closeness to those who just went through whatever ordeal. “Why?” has never been important to me. I really don’t care “why” events occur. My dad’s heart attack is no exception to that. It really doesn’t matter, what matters is “how do we keep it from happening again?” The doctor informed him, as doctors will do, that he needs to quit smoking. But in this case, he has a point… a strong one. The heart attack, in all of its ferocity, was brought on almost entirely because of smoking. Dad spends long hours working outside and is in excellent health in many respects. However, he does tend to cough a lot (more and more recently, I’ve noticed). I guess it is time to stop, if he can. And I hope sincerely that he can. He is too important to too many people.

Any blessings from this? Maybe. My brothers both have a tendancy to drop their kids off with my parents. I understand this. They have to make ends meet and you do what you can to struggle through with a young family. I get it. But Mom & Dad have both been pretty exhausted with it all lately. They’ve needed a break. Mom’s back needs some time & Dad just needs some time off for his mental health. Now, it seems they will get a little break. It is unfortunate that it had to happen in this way though.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Bradley is facing the end of his marriage. It has been coming for some time. When they first got married, Jess was great. I still think she is a good person and fun to be around. But she and Brad, who enjoyed a weirdly romantic & tumultuous relationship, have drifted apart rather calmly.

This would all be much ado about nothing if it wasn’t for the two kids. Brad & Jess have two boys, who are being used, as happens so often, to cause Brad more pain. He is repetedly denied seeing his boys by Jess, who has decided to move in with her mother, who is in the midst of mourning her husband, and who until very recently had nothing to do with the kids. Even now, her version of watching them is to take them to the neighbor’s house and have her watch them.

It angers me.

Bradley has a strong case for custody of those two boys, but I am afraid he will never try to make it, as he clings to hope that the marriage will survive. I just wish there was a better solution to the entire situation… that I would have confidence that I will know my nephews as they grow up. I am not so sure.

The boat has been rocked. We are in a cosmic reality show and all the viewers are waiting to see what we will do next. It is a great cliffhanger to the end of this season, but the choices we make in the near future could dictate entire decades of our lives.

Images: photo by Oliver Wilks; art by Brian Fuchs; Joan Arend Kickbush, Foxes (c.1969)

Featured Image Art: Jirayr Zorthian, Fox Skulk Den (1957)

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My Legs Strike Again:
Saturday, while I was working, I began having pain in my legs. It eventually got to the point that I couldn’t really walk and I was forced to sit for a couple of hours at my desk doing work that, while needed to be done, was not as much fun as working on the floor on a Saturday afternoon. It was a little better for the last 15 minutes of my shift when I returned to the floor. Having taken pain reliever (which I never do), I was tired and went home to sleep off whatever the problem was.

Jess called and woke me up after a while and we went searching for Heather & Jake. We didn’t find them and ended up at The Raven, a neighborhood gay bar, unfortunately known for drugs. I was in the mood for a bit of filth. I actually enjoyed myself, as it was quiet and practically empty. We talked and left messages on Heather’s machine.

Finally, we ended up at Heather’s, where we ordered pizza and watched Wayne’s World 2 (of all things). It was a great time and a lot of skin was exposed! Jess’ underwear was exposed — and bills were inserted into the sides. Jake bore his chest and pressed it against the window to the porch in a random moment of exhibitionism. It was fun and made me very happy to be here in Alaska with people I enjoy.

Sunday morning, I woke up in pain. My legs had not only gotten worse, but my entire body was sore. It was weird, like a burning sensation just under the skin, but not muscle. I called out and slept all day. I didn’t feel like standing up until 6:00 a.m. Monday morning. By that time, the pain was gone. Nearly as quickly as it had started, it was gone.

Del Marquis:
I was thrilled to discover music by Del on his MySpace account. He is awesome and it was great to hear his music independantly of Scissor Sisters. Don’t get me wrong, SS still makes me tear up, but it was nice to hear the difference.

Pier 1:
I know it will get better, but I am still plagued with longing for David. It is just something to get over, I guess. I wish him well and I know that this was not about me. I am such a fantastic person that anyone would be lucky to have me.

Images: John Breed art installation; photo and logo of The Raven; long legs sculpture

Featured Image Art: photo by Jr Korpa (via Unsplash)

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I have discovered an entirely new world here in Alaska. Health is much more important to people here and there is evidence of that in the vast natural food sections in stores. Not just a single aisle, or single side of an aisle, these sections are serious portions of the store, taking 5-6 full aisles plus a refrigerated case. I see myself making the food choices I prefer.

I have never been one to enjoy “junk food,” but it is so convenient and easy, not to mention cheap. But with the abundance of healthy choices, enormous vegetables, and stores that encourage natural foods, I know I will be moving towards that way of life.

Images: Barbara Lavallee, “Northern Night Lights” (detail)

Featured Image Art: Kathy Sarns, “Baby Bear Dreams”

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(25 September 2023 Note: Oh, the irony of this post!  I remember this so clearly and I understand what I was feeling now.  I was so offended that how I was living might be wrong that I didn’t want to hear about it.  I had no evidence behind the claims I made in this post.  None.  I just wanted them to be true in the way so many want them to be true.  It’s interesting how much I have changed.)

So, I have been in Alaska for two weeks! Considering I have spent the past 4 days mostly sick in bed, I have not found a job yet. I did get the paper this morning and it should be helpful as I am starting to get over my cold.

I’ve also gone for a change of scenery. I loved staying with Peter Ann, despite not enjoying her house or location, but this new leg of my trip should prove just as wonderful. I am staying on a lake near Wasilla, AK with 2 cats, 2.5 dogs, and a woman who turned 86 yesterday. The whole lot of them are nice. The .5 dog is actually a neighbors dog who usually sleeps here. It all seems relatively normal. It is not!

I am staying with friends of my dad again, Delisa & Charlie. That wasn’t Delisa’s original first name and they both took a new last name. That is great, I think. In a way. I like the idea of creating an identity for a marriage — unifying yourselves with a common new name. Perhaps I would have placed my former last name in as a second middle and I would not have changed my first, but all the same it is sweet. That isn’t even weird.

What I have found weird is the almost militant veganism they subscribe to. It is somewhat subtle, but borders on bitter and nasty. I attended the first meeting (potluck) of the Alaska Vegetarian Society as a guest last night. In and of itself, the dinner was nice and the people were so friendly. It was one of the happiest places on Earth. But I found that an underlying theme in the evening was how wasteful the planet is and how cruel we are to the “very intelligent” livestock we eat on a regular basis. I absolutely appreciate the argument, but I don’t agree. Mind you, I fully support vegetarianism for its many benefits, but this type of over-the-top veganism doesn’t sit well with me.

And I have a new found dislike of PETA. I had never felt one way or another about them, but seeing the pamphlets they distribute made me cautious in listening to them. Not so much fact, as careful crafted sentiment designed to make you feel like a horrible person for having ever in your life considered eating chicken, turkey, eggs, and the like. It didn’t really work on me. And then to say that fish experience emotions like love and fear — that isn’t even based in reality. We have no proof that fish experience emotions at all. The moment I stopped being involved was when I was told that only 5% of our diet needs to be protein, all of which can come from plants. What we need is carbohydrates. Again, I appreciate the idea behind it, but I don’t necessarily agree. And neither do nutritionists around the world.

I think it was a valuable experience for me. I think I understand this way of thinking a little more clearly and know I want to basically stay away from it. As a friend recently said to me, Jesus ate fish, so that can’t be wrong.

Images: Ray Troll, “Rockfish”; vector image of polar bear

Featured Image Art: Norval Morrisseau, “Giant Moose”

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…
I should be sleeping, but I find myself up thinking about getting old, or maybe just death. I am a little blue, but I know that I am not alone. I so desperately wish I could be alone in this sometimes. A friend e-mailed me the other day to tell me that his paternal grandpa and his maternal grandma are both in poor health. Very poor. It breaks my heart that he is dealing with the things I have struggled with. Honestly, this friend has had more than his fair share of struggles in his life. I want to give him a big hug.

Papa isn’t doing that well… it makes me feel guilty and sad. I am not sure I could handle anything happening to him right now. It would tear me up. He has back problems, which are not serious, but he has started feeling old, which is worse.

When John died, I has hoped that I would never deal with death again, knowing that was stupid… I just don’t know what I have left. I already do a great deal of pushing people away. More abandonment might cause a great break down. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I know that Papa isn’t doing that well, so I have visited less. It doesn’t help that the house makes me sad because Mimi should be there. Age is such a cruel joke. If you can make it through this life, you will be rewarded with death. How much sense does that make. I wish we didn’t get old – I don’t necessarily mind aging per se, but I don’t want people to die.

I hope Travis understands how much I love him and I will keep his family in my thoughts and prayers. I have so many thoughts in my head, but I am so tired that I will have to come back to them when I am not fighting with my sleep.

Featured Image Art: photo by George Hoza (via Unsplash)

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Yay!

I have been having the most wonderfully fantastic day today. No reason at all. I just love life today and this all makes me believe that I am becoming my parents, bipolar disorder and all. A customer gave me a verbal award for being the nicest music seller anywhere in town, John (our receiving manager) got me a small gift just to be nice, and Meghan worked with me. She was also in an obnoxiously good mood today. I was just so grand to be alive, even though I was hacking and sneezing all day!!! I am super excited about getting some stuff done tomorrow and then I can relax. I might even turn my heat on! I was waiting until December and it will be December tomorrow.

Being sick doesn’t suck so much today… I will soon be going to Lori’s for some Amazing Race fun. Calm, quiet fun…

Meghan:

Meghan is one of the most wonderful people I know. She is just too much. Avert your eyes anyone who knows me or anyone who knows Meghan… It is just a shame she isn’t a gay boi (*wink wink*) or that she is an employee…(because I am not technically supposed to hang out with her)… I really think she is fantastic!

Featured Image Art: still of Red from Fraggle Rock

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Blah!

I have been a little under the weather lately. Sniffles n’ such, ya know. It kinda sucks, but what can you do. I have had a lot of sleep, which is nice. And medicine head is more fun than it should be.

It beginning to look a lot like…

Justin and I just did some Christmas shopping today. I went ahead and got a small tree. It was 40% off at Hobby Lobby! I also got some stuff to make a wreath and some wind-up lederhosen for my dad. They are cute. Justin got stockings and stocking holders, all of which were 50% off. It is a nice group, but they need two more stockings for the dogs, which he is going to have Patrick get. Some cleaning tonight and tomorrow and then Wednesday I will decorate!!!

Being sick sucks.

Featured Image Art: wind up lederhosen