Blog Posts
2002 Sucks
Family:
This year was supposed to be better. What happened? My other grandma passed away in March and my mother revealed a drinking problem (you may remember my worry about her — she was drunk those times). All in all, it’s been sucky so far this year.
Work:
I was promoted to Music Dep’t Manager @ work. I like it, but I have been a little stressed.
Computers:
I again have an ISP, so I can write here more.
Featured Image Art: photo of Brian Fuchs & Christine Tucker, taken at the engagement party for Brent & Laurisa, Yost Lake, OK, 2000.
originally posted on Xanga
“Bonita”
Bonita
She looks perfect,
her familiar red dress matches
beautifully with the soft pink lining,
the red heart draped around her neck,
as if she’d just come in
from church for a nap
on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
She is calm, peaceful.
Tears stream down Papa’s face;
his wife and best friend,
the mother of his children
and the strong woman
to whom he devoted a life,
lies quietly, still the girl he married
only fifty-three years ago.
‘She really is a beautiful lady.’
Written 12 March 2002 in Stillwater, Oklahoma.
Brian Fuchs, “Bonita” from Scissor-tailed Flycatcher (Scissortail Press, 2020)
Original Version:
Bonita
on viewing my Mimi’s body
She looks perfect,
her familiar red dress matched
beautifully with the soft pink lining,
the red heart draped around her neck.
As if she’d just come in
from church for a nap –
a lazy Sunday afternoon,
she lay resting — calm, peaceful.
Tears stream down my grandpa’s
too often stoic face.
His wife — the woman he
devoted his entire life to –
his best friend.
“She really is a beautiful lady.”
“Hymn III : Birds & Vapor”
Hymn III: Birds & Vapor
Before knowledge, peace existed.
Innocent children don’t long for the touch of others.
I’m reflecting on bird calls,
sorting out in my mind the ones that seem familiar
from the ones that are new.
Except for the mockingbirds —
their song has changed as much as I have.
I can barely tell the difference between
childish pursuits and adult desires.
Except for skin.
I find myself a poor litmus test of what I want,
what I remember wanting.
Whispers in my ear from the past — or is it the future?
I’m forgetting things I thought were important.
I don’t remember the smell of skin pressed against
my face as I sleep.
I’m trying to remember how close I can get to the sun
without tumbling to the ground.
Have I reached that limit?
The men are turning to vapor, mists deposited in a wizard’s pensieve
filled with what I choose to remember as unbridled passion.
I’m searching through windows for faces,
for quiet morning sun spilling in through panes,
spotlighting the drifts of dust as they dance
like a great flock of tiny birds.
It feels like he’s still standing there, if he was ever standing there,
eating cherries on the front porch,
spitting the pits out into the garden.
I am thinking about fruity cereal.
I am thinking about the taste of cherries lingering in his mouth and the taste of mulberries lingering on mine.
I am thinking about birds and music and sex and dust.
I am thinking about the faces, the many overlooked faces.
I am thinking about vaporizing.
Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,
calling for you and for me;
see, on the portals he’s waiting and watching,
watching for you and for me.
Written 2 November 2001 in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Brian Fuchs, “Hymn III: Birds & Vapor” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)
Published in Social Distances (Scissortail Press, 2020)
“Hymn II : Reading Tolstoy Naked”
Hymn II: Reading Tolstoy Naked
My reality merges with memories, with desires,
is there a reality? Have these lives been mine?
Events appear in my mind, translucent and ethereal.
A lanky man in the doorway, light spilling
around his silhouette, casting him as a sort of deity,
a cigarette hanging from his lips
like he’s come from a previous century.
A burly man, his chest a thicket
of soft hair for fingers to explore,
reading Tolstoy in a dimly-lit living room, still naked.
The lamplight shines on his skin, casting strange shadows.
Is he really there?
I’m searching through faces,
longing for the smell of cigarette
smoke rubbed on my back as I’m
pulled toward a mouth still tasting of tobacco.
Or maybe I’ll find myself coyly asking about Russian literature,
massaging muscular shoulders, satisfyingly corporeal. I’m distracting him and pretending not to be distracted by him.
I’ll kiss him until everything is wet and beautiful.
Imaginary friends rarely press their lips back,
and never with such force.
I’m searching through faces,
watching men sleep for hours.
Eyelids dance as they dream and I wonder
about the wide-eyed boy, belly full of mulberries,
a face on fire from the attention of adults, strangers.
He didn’t know about men and the uncontrollable smiles
of the attention of adults, strangers. I miss him.
The nights are filled with breathing and rustling, peaceful.
The mornings are filled with coffee and cigarettes
or the pungent sweetness of a joint
which I pretend to enjoy because he does.
Weekends are a tangle of arms and legs, old movies,
sweaty and lazy afternoons.
It is well
It is well with my soul
I stay, huddled on beds or floors.
I don’t tell stories about playing in the woods,
or about finding an armadillo skeleton,
or about my preschool teacher.
I’m searching through faces
for the man who wants to know.
Written 29 October 2001 in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Brian Fuchs, “Hymn II: Reading Tolstoy Naked” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)
Riding In Cars with Failure
Family:
I saw a movie with my uncle, which was fun. I rarely see him and I really enjoy him. We saw Riding In Cars With Boys — I liked it. We also went to IHOP, where I had my dinner. He is going to see about selling his condo to me! I hope it works out. I am excited.
My mom’s birthday was on the 18th and I was over the night before to see her. i worry about her. She is ALWAYS sick… she was so sick on her birthday that my dad wouldn’t let me talk to her. Oh well. I want her to go see a doctor. Not that I am any better — I am always sick and was starting to think I may be a hypochondriac for a while… probably not. I’d like to visit home one of these times without mom being sick.
Work:
I have been depressed for a while — my review actually was worse than I had imagined and I did not get my raise… That is why it got postponed so much. My dep’t mgr didn’t want to tell me that I did poorly. Really I know I earned my raise, but I decided to not let it get to me. It’s just $15 extra bucks I would blow anyway. And I think it can be reevaluated in a few months. Nothing to stress too much over. I also decided not to make excuses about it, although no such agreement was made for Xanga. I feel that I may have not done my best in the past year, but I really had a hard year. Starting with Oct 2000: my good friend, Justin (for whom I am a caretaker in many ways), is in and out of mental hospitals following the death of his grandma, who is more like his mother to him, my grandma (“G”) starts to get very sick, severe pains send me to doctor, who does several tests and finds NOTHING wrong, my great grandma (Artie) dies, exactly one week later, G dies, Justin continues in and out of hospitals (not giving me a chance to mourn), I become severley depressed, my dad’s sister and family cut off contact with us because of my dad’s decision to give a fewe pieces of furniture to me and my brothers (being the executor of her estate and having spent 6 months watching her die, he feels justified), Justin moves in, Justin’s great grandma dies, Brad proposes to Janessa, which I cannot tell, my roommates prepare to move after a guy staying with us for a week takes off with their $70, I prepare for Brad & Jess to move in, Jess is now pregnant, Brad & Jess get married, Brad gets a promotion and decides to not move, forcing me to move, my roommates reveal that they are moving because I am impossible to live with, Justin and I move into a small apartment,… and here I am. Never in my life has so much happened in one year.
So at work they moved me to the gift section in an effort to spark interest, not realizing that the deep depression prevents interest of any kind in anything. Oh well… I am excited about the new section though. And I have a new dep’t mgr… May. She is awesome. And I can go back to liking Tim.
Featured Image Art: still from Riding In Cars with Boys (2001)
originally posted on Xanga
Pathetic
Writing:
Whew, pathetic.org is finally up again, and what a relief that I can finally start to write. It was always a good way to get me writing. I should start here soon. I have so much in my head to get out, what with the attacks, the new baby on the way, my great grandma is now 100! Lots…
Friends:
I talked to my friend Jerry tonight. It had been a couple of months. I feel bad that I don’t call, but he is a difficult person to remain friends with because he doesn’t really try. His friends don’t stick by him long… that makes me quite sad for Jerry. He will find real love some day.
Featured Image Art: photo by Patrick Tomasso (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
Fiscal Confusion
Money:
I have got to learn how to stop spending — and I thought putting all my money into the bank would help!!!! NO! I can’t figure out how I spend all of my money when my expenses are so low. How? Anyone have good advice for getting out from under paycheck-to-paycheck living?
Family:
I am starting to get excited about my brother’s new baby… I can’t wait. They are expecting a Thanksgiving baby… That would be a cool holiday treat.
Featured Image Art: photo by Pawel Czerwinski (via Unsplash) (altered)
originally posted on Xanga
The Cost of Not Watching Friends
Sleep:
I fully intended to watch Friends last night, but as I have been unable to sleep at all for a couple of days my body decided to sleep instead… dang it!!! I wanted to see it so bad. I don’t know why I have sleep problems, but I imagine it was stress.
Life:
I have been giving thought to moving back to Stillwater, but I really do like it here in Tulsa. I can’t stand the thought of leaving my friends or job, but I am so sick for the life I used to have that I somehow think going back home would help. Maybe I will, but probably not.
Work:
My review wasn’t yesterday, which means it IS today — egad. I am not that worried about it. My manager is a nice guy. We get along well, so it will be fine. I just hate meeting like that though…
Update:
My review wasn’t today, as planned. My manager said he’ll come in tomorrow (his day off) to do it… Whew… avoided it for another day!! Meanwhile, it has turned cold — I love it!!!! My uncle came to visit me at work. He is so great. It’s been a wonderful day!!
Featured Image Art: photo by Dustin Humes (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
Weighed Down
Frustration:
My life has been filled with so much stress lately… I just need a break for it. I woke up this morning ten minutes after I was supposed to be at work, which set the mood for the entire day. I love my job normally, but it just seems that they expect me to not only do my job — and do it well — but also the job of three other people. Not that I mind a little push once in a while from management, as I am a person who requires an occasional shove in the right direction, particularly while out of medication, but they don’t seem to take into account that we are currently running on 2 supervisors instead of our suggested 8. They must figure that we’ve done it for so long we should be used to it, but I think it is catching up with me. I feel as though I cannot take vacation or sick days — when I should go to the doctor! I feel an unneccessary obligation to show up and work extra hours, which I cannot be clocked in for, as we are not allowed even fifteen minutes of overtime. And I have been making it worse for the other supervisor, who says she understands, but I know she is cursing my name while I am not there.
Foolishly, I tink I can escape the pressure by coming home! Instead I come home to Mr. Mood, my roommate, who really I care for deeply — he is a good friend. But as a schizophrenic and socialphobic person, I cannot tell what is in store at home, but I know it will be stressful. I just don’t know what to do… and I can’t get Calgon to take it away, as there is just a single bathroom that invariably smells of kitty litter and dirty clothes. And I would hang out in my room if my roommate didn’t require constant attention and follow me in (and if the shootings didn’t distract me!!). I realize deep down that this is just a storm I need to ride out… nothing permanent and it WILL get better, as soon as the managers hire some people.
Self:
I need to get myself motivated to use the gym I am paying for. I feel much better (and it is a better investment) if I go. I have been flattered by the comments that I am getting smaller — I hope it isn’t just flattery.
Family:
I miss G.
Featured Image Art: Vincent van Gogh, “Irises”
originally posted on Xanga
Adrift
Future:
I have been thinking about my future lately. I have not been in school for a while and I feel so far behind where I should be. Besides that, I haven’t got a clue what I want to be when I grow up. I am 22 now, I thought I would have that figured out by now… why not?!?! I’ve always thought I would go into some English related field, but I have found lately a love of Interior Design… why not do that? I do love writing, but what kind of non-journalism career can I look at in writing? I feel like I am 17, but I am not and the clock is running….
JD:
My friend JD will be 22 on the 6th. I wish him much happiness. I miss my friends so much — I am finding that true friends are hard to come by in the adult world, and more and more all I want to do is be back in high school. Happy birthday JD.
Featured Image Art: photo by Eberhard Grossgastei (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
A Night Without Madonna
Clubs:
I went dancing on Saturday night. I keep forgetting how much I love doing that! I went with this girl Elisabeth from work and I am afraid that I wasn’t very talkative to her. I just wanted to Dance… We went to the Star — the only club to go dancing. I imagine that if people would go to Club NVS it would rock too, but not yet. Awesome music at both — but Saturday night they did not play a single Madonna song. I thought it was illegal to leave Mo out in a gay club…. Sunday was my Wunny’s birthday and we went to Arnie’s — an Irish pub — to celebrate. Let me just say this, I don’t get straight people. They sit around and drink and make bad jokes… that is fun? Oh well… It was fun because Sarah is fun when drunk. I have got to get out more often!
Family:
I have been giving a lot of thought to the anniversary present my brothers and I have planned for my parents next year (their 25th). We have 11 months, so I guess we need to get busy on it!
Self:
I have decided that 2002 is going to be my year!! I have so much that I want for next year, so I preparation I have started adjusting Brian to make room for all that I want. Not that I will be terribly dissapointed if none of what I want happens… that will be alright. I mean, yes I will be somewhat upset, but there is nothing wrong with just a decent year. I am hoping for GREAT though.
Featured Image Art: photo by Alexander Grey (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
Knocked Out & Knocked Up
Life:
I am finding that I am not as strong as I always thought I was. My entire world has been crushed and I am now in the process of rebuiling it. I am forcing myself to redefine some things in my life — who I am, what I am doing in this life, and what exactly it is I want to do. It is all difficult and I will later elaborate. Life, for the first time in a long time, is quite intimidating.
Family:
My brother married his seventeen year old pregnant girlfriend this summer — I am not sure what to make of it. I have decided not to judge; they did’t judge me when I came out, and I should treat them the same way. I think it has caused some additional confusion in my mother’s head. She is having to deal with the meltdown of her nuclear family. I feel sad for her… I can’t relate to the turmoil she is going through.
Featured Image Art: photo by Jasbir Virdi (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
Nests
Family:
I am worried about my mother lately. My dad called and asked if I could come over tomorrow because he doesn’t want her to be alone, but I can’t and I feel bad about it. I am trying hard to understand empty nest syndrome — I just can’t get it. She is depressed because we had to leave — that I understand. What I don’t get is how it has driven her mad. Not totally, mind you, but a little at least. I hope she’ll get better in time. I do love her so much. I have dreams — horrible, awful dreams — of her dying or leaving. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t. I love her too much.
Work:
I like work I really do — I got sorta bitched at by my manager. I have a good rapport with him, but he does have to yell when I am flaky. What I find hardest about him doing this is he is what I want to be. He has everything I don’t and I think he is beautiful. I am trying… really… because he asked me to. It’ll be good. I hate how often I think of him. I’m not obsessed with him. I am more obsessed with him as a concept — as something I aspire to be. I just don’t know how to get there and I am at the point of asking him, as embarassing as it would be. Maybe he will be appropriately flattered and I won’t have to worry about him judging me. Maybe I won’t tell him… We’ll see.
Me:
I am so thrilled to be in something where people are active in responding to others. Thanks for that.
Featured Image Art: photo by Laura Ockel (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
God Is Genderless
Religion:
How is it that my parents could have raised me and I still got a completely different perception of what religion should be. I am a Christian, although I am often embarrassed to say so. I am. I believe that Jesus is God’s Son who came here and died for my forgiveness, but I do not believe in the angry God who punishes us, as my parents seem to sometimes. My God is my friend — He is someone I can talk to and who loves me for me, regardless of who that is. My parents have put conditions of their acceptance of me. They will come around (that is what I tell myself). It just doesn’t make sense that not only did my idea of God come out to be different, but my brothers’ views vary from my own as well as from my parents’. Interesting.
Gender:
I use the genderless He in reference to the Lord. I believe God is above gender and do not refer to him as male. The common He in reference is just easier than using God or the Lord every time. I believe it is ignorant and arrogant to assume we know anything about God, including gender.
Boys:
I am so lonely lately. Somehow I can not do without a boyfriend now, even though I have gone 21 years without. You would think that I would be used to not having one. It doesn’t work that way though. Every time I see Jude Law, Toby Maguire, or Joseph Fiennes I get depressed. It is hard to meet guys here. All the guys here just want to have sex, and what is wrong with the rest of it — those other parts of a relationship. I like to think I would be the type to not sleep around and keep a boyfriend for life. Maybe I am just kidding myself though. Maybe I am the slut. Maybe I should just go out and sleep with every guy I meet… I bet that wouldn’t solve anything. It would only make me more lonely. I will just have to wait…
Featured Image Art: photo by Aaron Burden (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
Hints of Buddhism
Sleep:
I can’t sleep and soon it will be light out. I hate days like this (or nights rather). I fell asleep at 7:00 or so, and woke up at 11:00. Now I can’t sleep. I know I will now be tired exactly when I don’t want to be. And the cats want me to hold them, but I don’t really want to. They can play with each other…
Religion:
I found out today that a girl I work with is a Buddhist. That isn’t a problem, but I have never known a Buddhist (not well anyway). I think it will prove to be interesting. Hopefully she will be open enough to share with me. She seems to be the type.
Writing:
I need to discipline myself better and write. I haven’t done any since January. I was in mourning then so it was easier. I guess I am just too happy right now. And it is true — I have been extremely happy lately, despite the fact that nothing is going right
Featured Image Art: photo by Niranjan (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga