Blog Posts
Phone Bill Nonsense
Life:
Sometimes life isn’t fair. Justin just called me because his cell phone bill needs to be paid.
Let me fill you in: Justin is my friend and roommate and one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. But he is schizophrenic and socially phobic. There is quite a bit he doesn’t understand or handle correctly in the world. Because of these problems, I am in charge of his finances. Justin has spent the last six years (the time I have known him) in and out of mental facilities, on and off medications, and in various states of self control. I have never seen him as well as he is right now. But that didn’t change everything, and I was stupid to think it would.
A woman called from the cell phone company to tell him the payment was late. He was supposed to get a check from me and pay it, but both of us forgot. He explained to her that he didn’t realize it was late because he had recently switch his plan, but would get it paid. Knowing Justin as I do, that is exactly how it went. He doesn’t exaggerate or embelish stories. The woman on the phone told him that he had been with the company for 3 years so he knew when his bill was due and obviously he liked to pay his bill every 2 months. True. I know I shouldn’t but I tend to wait for 2 months worth before paying. I should stop that.
Anyway, Justin is actually not upset with her (I would be). He is upset that he was unable to handle it. He was upset that when he called back to complain, they didn’t seem to care. He was upset because he isn’t normal. Again, life: not fair. And poor Justin gets takes a lot from a world that doesn’t accept him on any level. He really is special.
Featured Image Art: photo of a desk phone by Le Huynh Bo (via Wikimedia Commons)
originally posted on Xanga
Just A Nice Day
DVD:
I finally got Northern Exposure Season One. It makes me feel like a teenager again. It came on when I was 10 and my family was hooked. My dad grew up in Alaska, so it may have been about that. I love it though.
Nostalgia:
I have been crazy nostaligic lately. Every tiny thing reminds me of being a kid. I even purchased Fruity Pebbles and Coco Puffs so I could remember them. Am I really old enough to feel this way? This was only 10 years ago.
Plants:
My plants may die. I can’t decide if I care.
Justin:
I spent the day with Justin. We went to Bangkok (my favorite Thai place) and then to Target. We picked up a lot of clothes and a new DVD player. Maybe this one will work… Hopefully!! Justin isn’t home enough, what with his new boyfriend and his job and the voices in his head going away. He is sick now though… C’est la vie!
DVD:
Spending more quality time with Northern Exposure tonight…
Featured Image Art: still from Northern Exposure
originally posted on Xanga
Thoughts About Mom
Mom:
I don’t much like talking about this, but I’m worried about my mom. She’s on vacation all the way in North Carolina — a good days drive away. I miss her. See, she’s an alcoholic. She generally goes to visit Mel, her friend, so she can get away from her triggers and spend some time not drinking. But my brother called last night to tell me she has been getting drunk there and Mel wants to put her in rehab there. I do think that would be good for her. Last time she was in rehab, she was only 30 minutes away though. It would be far less likely that I would visit in NC. I also think that might be good. She really needs to wake up and realize what she is doing to herself. Although I hate talking about it, I think it doesn’t make me sad anymore.
Work:
I am going to start randomly scheduling myself vacation days, I think. I feel run down. But at the same time, I would like to find a second job. I really need the money — bad. That isn’t true either. I really would like to have a second job to support my spending habits.
Featured Image Art: photo by Leslie Cross (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
This Is Not About Lori
Lori:
While Lori was here the other day she read this page. Now she is a bit irritated that I mention her so often (especially about scorching the soup). I am putting this in just for her because I wasn’t going to talk about her in here today. Ha! S’Lor…
Pic:
I need some new pics. The one in the white t-shirt is several years old. I look the same, but have glasses and longish hair now. I thought I had newer options on my computer, but I could not find them if they are there.
Movie:
Last night I watched Bubble Boy with Jake Gyllenhaal, which was actually pretty cute. It was nice to see Jake doing comedy. I would recommend renting it but keep in mind it is a little stupid.
Reading:
I picked up David Sedaris’ new book — I need to start reading it!!! I really enjoyed his others so I have no doubt this one will be great. I hope his friend, David Rakoff, writes something new soon. His first book Fraud was excellent.
Work:
I hate GDFC. “Idaho” refuses to work with GDFC now — It is out of control. Things need to change. They need to change now.
Love:
I really want to find someone. I keep putting it off, thinking I need to improve this or that to become more desirable. I I know perfectly well that is stupid and I would end up spending my life trying to improve. Sad.
Me:
For all of you who have asked: I am originally from Stillwater, Ok, where I grew up and went to high school. I currently live in Tulsa. I am a huge Stillwater fan still and most of my family is still there. I think I decided to live my life here in Tulsa (or wherever if I am ever in a relationship and must follow my man to his involuntary transfer) and after a full life, retire in my home town of Stillwater. Mind you, retirement will be an antiquated notion by the time this all happens. I will work until I am 90 and I die there at work: still in debt. I am full of unneccessary saddness tonight…
Featured Image Art: photo of Lori napping in my living room
originally posted on Xanga
Almost Late for Pride
Pride:
I woke up this morning to Lori knocking on my bedroom door, which meant she was in my house. I stumbled half-naked, mostly asleep to the door where she informed me I had overslept; it was 9:55 and our plans were at 10:00. I got ready and we left. I had her drive because I am sick and didn’t feel well enough to. Plus I took DayQuil so I had medicine head too. I wasn’t thinking about her car not having A/C. Dammit!
We met Jess and Ray at Kilkinney’s with intentions to eat and watch the parade. We changed our plans as the parade was to start in ten minutes or so. After watching the parade we walked in behind to Veteran’s park, the site of the full day celebration. It was nice out, being midmorning and cloudy. By the time we arrived the sun was shining and we were all sweaty.
The picnic was fun; better than most. Chad Allen was there which was so cool. HOT! He was the guest speaker and grand marshall of the parade… I registered to vote (finally!), got a new cigarette case and watched some of the performers. We also hooked up with Justin, Patrick, Brandy, Amber, Sandra, Brian, and another guy whose name I cannot recall.
We finally left at 3:00. Okay, thing is that when you walk 2 miles one way, you have to walk 2 miles the other. Now it is hot and sunny: 90°. It was quite a trek, but somehow felt good. The sunburn hadn’t set yet.
You see, I am stupid! I forgot the sunscreen. Lori and I smeared Aloe Vera Burn Relief all over our just forming burns and contemplated napping. I was not at all tired and, after resting for 10 minutes, neither was she. We spent the afternoon with The Book Of Question, pizza, and lots of Mountain Dew: Livewire. It was an emotional but fun time.
We then went dancing! We met Jess at The Majestic fairly eary as we knew it would fill up. And it did quickly. We danced like crazy — I love it so much. I was sweaty and drunk and grinding with my female cohorts. We all got in the cage and I was jumping up and stratling them and then sinking to my knees where I would continue to dance and grind, my face at boob level. Brandy and Sandra showed up later. (Brandy FINALLY broke up with Amber!!! I hope it is permenant. It has not been in the past)
All in all, excellent day. Energetic day. I really hope everyone who was there enjoyed it as I did. And I really hope the guy from the next table actually brought me home and is waiting for me in the next room in nothing but his cowboy hat. Yikes!
Blatant Ad:
Seriously, If you haven’t gone to Barnes & Noble in a while, go! All DVDs are buy 2, get a 3rd free. Lowest price will be free. I have spent enirely too much on DVDs in the last week. It is a great deal.
::afternoon edit::
Sunburn:
I am so fried… My entire body aches. I am supposed to met people from work at Friday’s soon. I hurt too much. I always forget just how much I hate sunburns… Plus I am blue from the stuff I am using. I guess I could stop complaining.
Dancing:
I really must go out more often. I love it and feel great today. As far as my muscles go anyway.
Working out:
After seeing all the beautiful boys last night I think I decided to not just sit around all the time. I want to walk or go to the gym more often. I can’t decide if I want my gym membership anymore. It is a bit expensive. Hmmm… I need to start eating too. I really don’t eat enough to keep my metabolism up. Anywho… Tired of my whining yet?
Featured Image Art: photo by Raphael Renter (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
Drifting As Usual
Friend:
I had a falling out with a good friend in December. I miss him terribly, but have no way to get in touch with him. I just went to his website. It made me cry. He was the only friend I could share my deepest emotions with. What’s more, the falling out had nothing to do with him or me. It was all his boyfriend. I wish he’d call…
Work:
I was too exhausted to finish last night. Working with GDFC is horrible. GDFC makes me hate my job and I do not like people who do that. Really I was not in the best frame of mind anyway. I think I am having sinus issues, but I am scratchy and just generally sick. I hope it isn’t contageous since I just spent the evening at Lori’s watching her and Jess play Guess Who? of all things.
Family:
I just had quite a conversation with my dad about his job and his frustrations. I decided not to bother him with some problems I am having. I will wait until there is less going on. I hate that I haven’t seen my nephew in so long. He is 2 1/2. I need to visit soon.
Featured Image Art: photo by Christian Kaindl (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
Listening to Days That Are Over
Sleep:
I fell asleep on Lori’s bed while she was making dinner. I had gone in to listen to a CD I made for my mom while she is on vacation in North Carolina. I was listening to Jamie Cullum or Sondre Lerche when I dozed off. Not wanting to bother me, Lori didn’t wake me when the food was ready. I slept for about 30 minutes and was a total zombie after that. Dinner was good. I also decided that it is silly to try to smoke while you are so sleepy, not that the realization will prevent me from doing it in the future.
Hair:
I think I officially HATE my hair. I have been letting it grow. Not “growing it out” so much as letting it grow. I need a style… It is bushy and quite long now. The bangs come down to my chin. I just don’t know what to do…
Money:
I like spending money, even (or especially) when I know I can’t afford to spend it.
People:
I started to worry that people I work with might read this stuff, but I decided I don’t care. I am not using names on parts they don’t need to know about. Anyway…
Featured Image Art: photo of Sondre Lerche
originally posted on Xanga
Scorching Things
Sleep: (added at 5:56 a.m.)
Or lack of it. After tossing and turning from 3:00 to now I decided it isn’t going to happen — and if it does I will oversleep. I have to be at work at 8:00. 2 more hours and then my hellish day will begin. I don’t know what the problem is, but I haven’t had a normal amount of sleep in over a week. I even lied to my friends, telling them I slept all day yesterday. I didn’t. I am definately feeling the effects of this now. I should get something to help (or see a doctor). Oh well…
Work:
I am so tired of everyone at work! Okay, just 3 of them. Anyway, they all need to be fired or quit. I am so sick of trying to so my job when others insist on doing NOTHING. Egad! Everything should be fixed soon… Thank God I had a day off today.
Storm:
The other day a storm ripped through town with winds up to 75 miles per hour. Something like 70,000 people lost power. It was weird because it was quite a nice day before and after. My parents e-mailed me to tell me they lost a tree. I liked that tree a lot. An ice storm did a number on it a couple of years ago.
Lori and I were out when the winds came in. We took shelterr at the mall. After sitting in the parking garage for an hour (we both HATE the mall), we went in briefly to buy some stuff at Bath & Body. Then we went to Cracker Barrel for a 3:00 p.m. breakfast. It was so good — I had not eaten all day. After a brief discussion on going home we went shopping for clothes. Together we spent $400 or so, which is crazy!!! We figured up our totals yesterday — we each spent the same amount. I did not intend to spend so much on clothes I will hate in a week anyway. We then ordered pizza and watched Return Of the King. Good day despite the frightening storm. Oh, and we ran into Molly and Jeff at Target.
Family:
It bothers me a little that I haven’t seen my family since sometime in March or early April. I used to see them once a week. Hmmm… Maybe it is somewhat my fault, but they pass by my house frequently. For me to visit it at least 45 minutes in a direction I wasn’t already going. Maybe I should say something. Or maybe I should stop whining — I hate it when people do that.
♥:
Jake Gyllenhaal is hot.
Breakfast: After rummaging through Lori’s fridge, I settled on a cigarette
Lunch: Mexican Pizza
Dinner: Scorched Enchillada Soup (Lori was so upset!)
Featured Image Art: photos of Jake Gyllenhaal & photo of Tulsa flooding.
originally posted on Xanga
Overanalyzing Catwoman
Movie:
I saw The Day After Tomorrow. I actually liked it. There was one obnoxious thing about it that I HATED, but it was generally good for an escape. I am excited about some upcoming movies now, namely Spider-Man 2, Catwoman, and Harry Potter. I am a little upset with Halle Berry being cast as Catwoman. She was great as Storm, but needs to stick with Marvel. I would like to have seen someone unexpected and equally sexy take on this role. I would have liked Jennifer Garner, Lucy Liu, or Helena Bonham Carter — how awesome would that be!?!? Maybe Halle will prove me wrong… we’ll see. As a very infrequent movie-goer, I see myself spending a lot of time at theaters this summer.
Friends:
Justin and I had a fight today. I hate being totally wrong, but I was. He was trying to be very calm about a situation which he knew would irritate me and I blew up (unnecessarily). Being wrong sucks!
House:
I actually got some cleaning accomplished today! I got off my butt and did laundry, dishes, put stuff away, watered and turned plants, and beat the rugs. I feel like things are going to be okay in the house now. Thank you Justin for helping jump-start me.
Featured Image Art: kaleidoscope edit of journal cover image featuring Catwoman art.
originally posted on Xanga
John Died
Xanga:
A friend just told me that this is exhibitionism. I guess it is in a way. I’m not sure why I never thought of it that way. That is me in a way too. I am a shy exhibitionist. I’m the guy who pretends I don’t know that everyone can see me naked through the blinds. I find that a little wrong, but exciting.
Friends:
I was to go get new glasses with Jessica today. She called earlier and I was asleep. I think sleep was far more important to me today than new glasses. I can’t seem to get rested. Lori said I may be overextending myself. Perhaps that is true. I am a people pleaser though. I don’t like to say no to anyone. I prefer to just do what others want. That is what makes me happy.
Death:
I’ve avoided the subject, but a friend of mine, John Haynes, died a few weeks ago. He was my direct supervisor at work as well as a personal friend. I really miss him. I try to not be sad, which is impossible. I feel especially bad for Ray, John’s partner. He just seems so lost. I hope he realizes that we are here to support him. It is very hard facing a death everyday. I really feel like I am whining about it, but that doesn’t really make sense. I guess this too shall pass. John would make so much fun of all of us for being sad…
Mood:
I was thinking about being lazy. I am ridiculously lazy sometimes. I live in a pit, have gained weight, need to pay bills. What is my problem?? I feel like something is wrong with me. Maybe I am just in a funk because of John’s death. Maybe I am sulking and should just snap out of it. It all seems so stupid and now I know I am trying to gain some sort of sympathy that I would rather not have. Are we surprised that I have no boyfriend? No, we are not. Everything will even out soon…
Pride:
We planned Pride. I am excited and a little apprehensive about the whole experience. My two straight friends, Lori & Jess are going. I am a little fearful that they will get bored and require a ride home before I am ready. Or they will be cranky… maybe it will be fine.
Self:
I don’t know what my problem is, but I need to cut it out. I am just not pleasant at all.
Featured Image Art: photo found on Pinterest. Link to original no longer works.
originally posted on Xanga
A Few Thoughts on a Wednesday
Sex:
I’ve spent several night talking about sex with a friend recently. It made me feel lonely. Sadly, it has been 2 years since I was with anyone. I long for a relationship, but I haven’t been successful at initiating conversation with guys. I feel a bit reserved in that area of my life and want desperately to be the one who approaches others. Anywho…
Family:
I am turning into my parents and it scares me. I was so worried about my mom travelling by herself to North Carolina. I stressed over it until I knew she arrived safely. My dad does the same thing and it drives me insane. I have discussed this subject before, but I just don’t know what to think anymore. …
Robbie Williams:
I was so frustrated trying to order Robbie Williams CDs. Are there only a few released in the US? I absolutely LOVE RW, but I am having to spend way too much on his discs.
Featured Image Art: photo by Chuttersnap (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
Playing Games
Work:
It all hits the fan in the morning. There are several big things going on tomorrow that will cause chaos and confusion at work, but they will prove good in the near future. Management shake-ups and such. I officially know nothing and must act surprised as each items comes down. Nothing immediately affects me, so I will try to not tense up.
UPDATE: Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Stressful for some, but not as bad as it could have been. (5:57 p.m.)
Family:
My cousin is in town briefly before going back to Harding for summer classes. I feel bad that I haven’t called her (and she has called me), but I feel strange about it. I think that it’s time to let her know that I am gay, but I really fear her reaction. She and I have been close our entire lives and I just don’t know how she’ll react. I hope she knows already. She leaves Thursday. I really have to call and see her at least once. It has been too long.
Friends:
I am an ass. My friends and I were playing Phase 10. I really don’t care who wins, but I play the game. If I win I win, if not so what. Today was horrible though. Jess was so bitter that I was doing well she attempted to sabotage my game. It was so malicious. She lost all signs of having a good time. It isn’t life, it’s a game. I reacted poorly, throwing the game and making some snide remark about the goal of this hand being screwing me over. I felt bad, but it was crazy that a game irritated her so much. We made up after Ray won and all is forgotten.
Self:
I might have a fear of dying.
Featured Image Art: photo by Jevgeni Fil (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
Weblog
I can’t believe it has been so long – 2 years. I am still at Barnes & Noble. I hope to become much more active on this weblog. I find it terribly theraputic. Thanks for reading.
Featured Image Art: photo of Brian Fuchs
originally posted on Xanga
“untitled [100 days]”
untitled [100 days]
It’s been one hundred days
and if feels like it all happened
just this morning.
I’m starting to realize she’s gone –
finally missing her and ultimately
knowing I can never see her again.
I hate that morning –
when Mimi died.
Loneliness overtook me and
pain was invited in.
All I needed was a hug
from Bettina, JD, Travis, Becky,
Mom — but they weren’t there.
I’m cold inside and sad.
I miss her.
6.18.2002
Thursday, June 13, 2002
Family:
This year was supposed to be better. What happened? My other grandma passed away in March and my mother revealed a drinking problem (you may remember my worry about her — she was drunk those times). All in all, it’s been sucky so far this year.
Work:
I was promoted to Music Dep’t Manager @ work. I like it, but I have been a little stressed.
Computers:
I again have an ISP, so I can write here more.