Blog Posts
Things I Love
Apathy:
I think it is taking me more to be apathetic and lazy than it would to actually do something. I don’t like that. I would love to just clean and work out and write and pay bills. All those things I just don’t get around to because I am too busy wasting as much time doing literally nothing. I guess the first step is admitting there is a problem.
I also feel bad because I know I owe Justin some money, but haven’t gotten around to giving it to him even though I have it. Oh well.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not in a bad mood or anything like that. I am actually feeling good that I have made a mental effort at least. I think that so much had been going on that I just wished I could be a kid and not deal with this whole life thing. It is fine though…
Things I Love:
(for those who thought I was down because of the hate list…)
•I love popcorn
•I love Madonna
•I love feeling infinite
•I love privacy
•I love watching movies
•I love eating cinnamon candy until my tongue burns.
•I love my iMac
•I love having brothers
•I love planning projects I will never finish.
•I love just being with Travis and not having to talk.
•I love Sonic
•I love looking at myself in the mirror when I am cute.
•I love smoking cloves
•I love Sanrio
•I love imagining having a boyfriend
•I love reading
•I love eating squash
•I love dandelions
•I love remembering walking home from school with Carla (and sometimes Bonnie).
•I love candlelight
•I love letting JD & Lori talk.
•I love Christmas (secretly)
•I love buying clothes
•I love my kibbies (cats) Molly & Franz
•I love ginger (cookies, mints, toothpaste, ale/beer)
•I love remembering first grade, the year I was in a wheelchair from Legg Perthes and having to learn to walk again.
•I love the smell of laundry
•I love being fairly simple
•I love IKEA
•I love Earl Grey tea
•I love Roseanne (TV)
•I love when it is really really cold and I can pull a blanket over myself and watch Little Women.
•I love Shout Color Catchers
•I love the trip I took to France
•I love music
Updates to Love:
•I love it when Jess makes cookies for me (and it’s not about the cookies…)
•I love Justin’s made up words
•I love how Jerry understands me so much and we can talk for hours (I miss him so much it hurts)
•I love work
•I love Xanga friends (I am not just saying that either!), specifically, but not limited to venusunfolding, goofynuttyboy, confess_or_explode, imanalien, TheBlahBook, tonys_2k2, upandoutward, jrat, Ice_Falcon
Obviously, I knew I had left people in my life out. I sorry. The original list was totally off the top of my head.
Featured Image Art: unknown comic illustration
originally posted on Xanga
Jason!
He was born at 10:00 p.m. Tuesday night (Sept 14), full name Jason William Doyle Fuchs. A lot of names, I know. I went over yesterday to see him and he is very cute. He has a full head of hair and the longest toes ever. It was nice until the room filled with too many people. I then went to my parents house to see them and Conner (my nephew, Jason’s brother), who also has a long name: Conner Curtis Christopher “Jose” Fuchs. He was a lot of fun. I read Danny and the Dinosaur to him and we played with stickers, which he is really obsessed with right now. He will be 3 in December. He loves Jason (at least for now) and was telling strangers at the hospital all about his new brother. It was a great evening.
Here is a picture of Squirt (Conner) with “Duck” and “Bear” who he cannot go anywhere without.
Post Photos: Janessa & Jason; Conner with Duck & Bear
Featured Image Art: photo of Brian & Jason
originally posted on Xanga
Things I Hate
Things I Hate:
•I hate cleaning my house.
•I hate being lied to.
•I hate feeling helpless.
•I hate feeling like I am doing well at my job, but still having my manager hover because she does not agree.
•I hate being out of Big Red (soda).
•I hate sweating.
•I hate avoiding phone calls from my family.
•I hate not seeing Justin anymore.
•I hate being alone.
•I hate being around people when I am lonely.
•I hate my bed.
•I hate homophobia.
•I hate ironing.
•I hate wrinkled clothes.
•I hate being overweight.
•I hate alcoholism.
•I hate money.
•I hate not knowing things.
•I hate Pulp Fiction.
•I hate sitting around doing nothing.
•I hate people calling out at work.
•I hate Janessa being uncomfortable.
•I hate being sad all the time.
•I hate pretending that I am not sad all the time.
•I hate the way I treat people when I am crabby.
•I hate ham.
•I hate having headaches because I won’t put money aside to get new glasses.
•I hate wearing glasses.
•I hate not being able to wear contacts.
•I hate hate.
•I hate having so few friends.
•I hate driving.
•I hate that I buy things to make myself happy because I am never happy so I am always spending money.
•I hate lists like this.
•I hate me sometimes.
•I hate the world.
•I hate that people try to regulate my right to legally commit to anyone I want.
•I hate being out of cigarettes.
•I hate Rodney Dangerfield.
•I hate the death penalty.
•I hate having popcorn stuck in my teeth.
•I hate birds.
Featured Image Art: unknown comic illustration
originally posted on Xanga
Corduroy, Damask, & Fish Tacos
???
I know, I know… I have been missing in action. Actually, I was having Internet issues, but spent the weekend watching DVDs at Lori’s so I didn’t worry about it. I just called and got it fixed.
Sunday in the car with Lori:
Lori and I spent all night watching Big Brother 3 DVDs Saturday night. We finally decided to sleep at 8:45 Sunday morning. We settled for a nap really. I was up and about by noon. She had come over, tried to figure out the computer problem, and decided to go back to her house. I could see that something was troubling her. So, I told her I wanted to go thrift store shopping and she was coming with me. She told me that she wasn’t dressed for it, to which I replied “then go get that way.” We had fun trying to find Goodwill, a particular one anyway. Before finding it, we discovered this kinda skanky thrift store where everything is 50% off. I usually think such places are ridiculous. They almost always clearly mark the prices twice what the items are worth. But this one was done well. The prices were similar to other thrift stores, but then you took off half. I loaded up on sweaters. I got some nice ones. We then went to Goodwill, where I found some corduroy pants and drapes. They are God-awful blue on white almost damask, almost toile, vinyl textured things. I also got yellow and pink ones in the same pattern. They are so bad that they are perfect for my house and I might just grow to love them. Lori scored a cute sweater that I swear she already owns and a sweatshirt. I actually really liked the sweatshirt… It has the cricket green couch on the front and the shirt is mint green. Weird, but fun. We then went to Don Pablo’s for lunch. I love fish tacos, but the ones there aren’t my favorites. They were okay, but not as good as say Atomic Burrito. Then we went back to her house and watched Will & Grace DVDs. It was an excellent day.
Featured Image Art: photo by drapes I got from Goodwill
originally posted on Xanga
Trying To Feel Faboo with Deery-lou
Faboo:
Lulu Faboo had a sale. Yes, that means I needed more stuff. I picked up the Tare Panda trash can I was eyeing last time I was there. I think I will use it for something else though. I also got a few stickers for work, but really I held back. I would love to go back and get a little more, but I think the sale is over… maybe I am wrong.
BB5:
I fully expect Karen to be evicted tonight, but I am going to be very upset about it anyway.
Featured Image Art: Sanrio character Deery-lou, The Cheerful Fawn
originally posted on Xanga
Checking In On Mom
Family:
I talked to my mom last night. I felt bad that I couldn’t go to the cookout they had tonight. My issues really! I did find out what had gone wrong the other day. Apparently, her medications had a negative reaction with one another. She didn’t even know who she was, let alone what she was doing. Her doctor was surprised she was even able to get out of bed. Her response was that sometimes, she wasn’t. All should be better now. The drugs she is on now are more compatible with one another. I am super happy. It was the second time in the past six months that she sounded normal. I am a jerk for not making plans to go over there tonight… Oh well. I will have to next weekend.
Friends:
Everyone was having a good time this weekend, while I pretty much just slept. I always assume that my body needs the sleep if I do that. It really must. I wish I could have gone to Travis’ this weekend, but really need to soon. I need to get away again. And I still have a ton of vacation to use up. Did I whine about not getting an extra day off this week yet? I also really want to help Travis with his house and I have some great ideas. I hope he goes for them. Everything I thought of really says Travis and Sandra to me…
Me:
I think I would make the best boyfriend…
(okay, if I didn’t whine so much!!!)
Featured Image Art: photo by Lars Kuczynski (via Unsplash)
originally posted on Xanga
Work Is Great. My Life Is Not.
Ashamed:
I am a horrible person. I hope all is mended, but I really was hateful. Sorry. I hope we are okay and you don’t hate me. For those interested, this has to do with yesterday’s post of bitterness.
Work:
I had a wonderful day today. Nothing happened today, but it was still wonderful. I got to see Meghan and “Dimberly.” Yay!
Featured Image Art: unknown illustration
originally posted on Xanga
Despite Frustrations, a New Nephew
I AM UPSET!
I cannot believe that I cannot post things on here because people do not respect this as a journal. It is not an advertisement for everything in my life. I would like my family to respect this, but since they apparently will not, most if not all future posts will be protected. I feel very hurt by this. I am especially hurt that the people involved felt the need to continue reading when I had asked them not to. I shouldn’t trust people as much as I do. Most of those who read will still be able to at least. I am sorry this is how things are right now, but hopefully it will change soon.
Ding Dong…
I forgot to mention that GDFC is gone as of Monday! I really didn’t want GDFC to fail, but that is what happened. But now we can all have a more productive and nurturing work environment. Things will be very different though…
Jason:
I may have a nephew right now. Brad said he would call, but I will understand if it is later. Jess was in labor last night, and for her sake I hope it is/was quick! With all that has happened, I should write a book. Thank you, Travis for suggesting it.
Mom:
I have no news. I pray everything is going well.
Featured Image Art: digital image from Bradley Fuchs
originally posted on Xanga
I’m Not Visiting Mom in the ICU
Goodbye Kitty:
Enough already with the creepy Japanese characters… they are so gay! Hey, me too… Hmm… I really do love Sanrio, but the characters just make me look so over the top and… something. Blah.
Mom (the information I have):
Apparently, she took a large quantity of sleeping pills after some conversation with her brother. It really pisses me off. Brad took her to the hospital, where she ended up in ICU. This all occurred in the middle of the night. I finally talked to my dad this morning. A couple of times. He had me call my aunt, told me she was fine, and told me he would update me. Okay… I was at work, so fine. Brad called a little later and told me I needed to come over after work. He said my dad wanted me there, but wasn’t even aware that I had talked to him earlier today. It was frustrating. I am not going over there.
Mom (why I won’t go):
I can’t. I don’t want to be around for this. I can’t help. I can’t see her. I am upset. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to halt my life every other week because she needs attention, which makes me sound heartless. I am angry with her. I don’t want to be just another person there. I am tired. I am stressed and nobody listens to my frustrations. I am selfish. I hate life right now and don’t want to risk a happy moment. I really feel like I just don’t want to be there. I hate hospitals right now. I do want to, but really want to be stubborn. I have things to do. I have had a long day and don’t need it to be longer. I think I make things worse because she is still having a hard time with my being gay. I just want one of these fucking days to be happy. I want to enjoy being me. I feel like my presence solves nothing. She is fine. She did this to herself. She knows I love her. She doesn’t want me to see her this way. She doesn’t want me involved this way. She wants me to just be her son.
Guilt trips are evil. I shouldn’t be required to justify my feelings just because someone else doesn’t agree. Today sucks a little.
Meghan:
Meghan managed to make me smile today. Thank you Meg.
Featured Image Art: photo of KC & LaDonna (her Nana)
originally posted on Xanga
Margaret Will Make It All Better
I am losing my mind and falling apart!
I went to Lori’s this afternoon to finish off the frozen pizza and my Margaret Cho DVD. I remember switching to TV and then Lori sitting down on the chair. Okay, see… she had gotten home from work, I am mysteriously sleeping in her house. I found it to be a little creepy, and I could tell it had irritated her a little bit. Granted, we had discussed me eating the pizza, but not sleeping my afternoon away. It was a little bit funny!
After that, I was awake, we ordered Chinese, and talked. But my hand freakin’ hurts. I have a sharp pain in my wrist and it is worthless for anything. I tried to use it as I stood up and it almost killed me. I don’t know what is wrong with it, but it seems that all my joints are starting to go out. I must be due for an oil change and tune up or something… I am basically falling apart. Now, I enjoy some daily pain in my neck, shoulders, hands, wrist (left only), knees, and elbow (left only). Only occasionally do I also have back, ankle, or hip pain… but I do. I really don’t mean to whine about it, but after a while, the pain can get old. Blah… This is why I should see a doctor!!!
Featured Image Art: Margaret Cho performing in Cho Revolution
originally posted on Xanga
Sanrio Therapy
Sad:
I went to Lulu Faboo after work and treated myself to some Deery-Lou stuff (pens, stickers, and a small mirror). Deery-Lou makes me smile. I know, I know, it is a little bit sad.
Sleep:
Although it was glorious, sleeping so long last night was unfortunate because I could have gotten some stuff done. I need some time to start preparing for painting half of the living room. That involves quite a lot reorganizing so that I will have a place to move all of the furniture while I do that. And what do I do with the cats when I paint? I don’t want to board them or lock them in another room, but I may need to.
Money:
Fortunately, I keep talking myself out of spending money. I have stopped ordering so much at work, and the only DVD I want right now is one I am exchanging something for. That makes it cost nothing. I want to be the person who doesn’t buy stuff. **Explanation of the Deery-Lou: yes, it was spending money, but it actually something I had planned for, not just an impulse. That is really what makes it sad. Plus, we are talking about $11.00.
Images: Sanrio character Deery-lou
originally posted on Xanga
Just Immaturity Things
Life is too damn complicated!!!
So, it was brought to my attention by way of big orange sticker, that my tag was way expired. I hadn’t really thought to check, since I got the car in December. Oh well… but I had no money to switch the insurance into my name and my parents didn’t want to continue the policy. I really needed to do something. I finally negotiated with my dad for him to go get the new tag, I would pick it up, and I would pay him back.
After work, I rode with Lori home because she offered to take me to Stillwater (an hour away), but she wanted to change clothes first. When I got upstairs, my electricity had been shut off. Apparently, I didn’t pay it last week like I thought. I was so irritated, but I called and paid. Of course it was too late for today.
Lori drove me to Stillwater and we only stayed briefly. On the way, I asked about sleeping at her house. A formality really, as I have fallen asleep there before. We finally got back to Tulsa at 9:45. I was feeling sick again, but this time there was the feeling of vomiting. It didn’t happen.
Back in my dark house, I took a shower by dim candlelight and daydreamed about not having electricity at all. Life would be so different… Went to Lori’s, tried to sleep, tried to sleep, tried to sleep, slept. I woke up unhappy, late, in pain, and with no patience. My illness is not a going away. I feel slightly better, but there is a dull abdominal pain involved now. I think I am fine, but will take care of it when proven wrong. Blah.
Big Brother:
Yay, it is BB5 night!
originally posted on Xanga
Music Recommendations For Meghan
Still Awake!
I cannot sleep and I feel like crap. I think I am getting a cold. THIS SUCKS. I didn’t leave my house at all yesterday thinking that might help. It did not. Now, I missed all the rain yesterday and I am still sick. Blah. One of these days my body will work correctly.
Music Recommendations For Meghan:
Elgin Park : Elgin Park
Jude : No One Is Really Beautiful
Jude : King Of Yesterday
Scissor Sisters : Scissor Sisters
Rufus Wainwright : Want One
Wheat : per second, per second, per second…every second
Fuck : Cupid’s Cactus
The Triplets Of Belleville soundtrack
Jim White : No Such Place
Blur : Best Of
Featured Image Art: Sanrio character Badtz-Maru
originally posted on Xanga
Hand Massages & Music Suggestions from Meghan
Justin:
I am super happy because Justin has a Xanga. I am on a mission to have everyone I know on here apparently. I think he could really use it though… he has a lot to get off his heart, what with his DID or schizophrenia or whatever he has this week… I love him so much. What an excellent friend.
Me:
I discovered that I absolutely love hand massages. I love them almost as much as having my neck and shoulders clawed. It just hurts so good. Yay. I just need to find someone to massage me 24/7.
Car:
I really need to get my tag up to date… it is way expired. But I need some damn money. Blah. I also need some new insurance. It is still under my parents plan, since they gave the car to me. I just hate spending money on this crap… but I guess I have to. I really don’t want a ticket/have my car towed. This place sucks. Oh well.
Music:
I was given this list of recommendations from Meghan. I thought I would not only share the suggestions, but my thoughts on them, as I am sure she would be interested.
The Kings of Convenience : Quiet Is The New Loud
♣I was planning on purchasing another album by this group already… They are amazing!
The Format : Interventions & Lullabies
♣This was really very good!
Iron & Wine : The Creek Drank The Cradle
♣Excellent disc. Would need to think about purchasing, but I do like it.
Yo La Tengo : I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One
♣This took me back to high school too much. Maybe it is because it is from that time, but it reminded me of too many groups, without the satisfaction of a memorable song.
The Sea and Cake : One Bedroom
♣Eh… okay.
The Starlight Mints : Built On Squares
♣This is an awesome disc… at the moment. I fear it may be too novel for me and I would hate it after a short run.
Damien Rice : O
♣Had it, loved it, got old (played in-store), gave it away, only like 1 or 2 songs now.
Teitur : Poetry & Aeroplanes
♣Didn’t get to… will soon.
Eliott Smith : Either/Or
♣Didn’t get to… will soon.
Beck : Sea Change
♣When this CD was released, I mentioned to someone that I wasn’t ready for it. I knew that I would eventually enjoy it. That time has come. I listened again and love it.
Beck : Mutations
♣I didn’t listen, but I love everything Beck does!
I am coming up with a list for her now…
Featured Image Art: photo of Meghan
originally posted on Xanga
I’m Fine
Xanga:
Yay! I fixed my jacked up Windows Media Player… now I can visit xangas with music on them again. It had been locking up my browser. Whew…
I also started a “family friendly” xanga (uncle_bri). I am trying to get my mom interested in this, but don’t need her to read everything I write. I tend to reveal too much on here sometimes.
LiveJournal:
I have finally figured out everything and have come to the same conclusion. It just isn’t as good. More people, but not as good. I did run into someone I know on there. Meghan. Anyway, I am glad to understand it.
Money:
I really don’t want to upset people, but I will with this. My money is mine. I can spend it the way I want, regardless of others impressions of how much money I should have or how much stuff I shouldn’t. I do make mistakes, and I want to be corrected if an obvious oversight has been made, but if I want another DVD, that should be okay. I just feel belittled by constant “mothering.” Blah. At the same time, I don’t mind discussing things, but I think there is a problem when I feel the need to hide things I buy in my own home. Sorry, person who knows they do this. I have been so busy trying to make everyone else’s life easier (parents, brothers, co-workers…) that I left me out and have been miserable for a while now.
Being Miserable:
I started doing it again, and I hate it. Thoughts that need to go away. I haven’t been this uncomfortable being me since high school… and that was terrible. I think I am just feeling that life is purposeless, what with everyone I know dying or having major problems. Life sucks, but the weird thing is that I am in fairly good spirits. I am just apathetic, complacent, drained, and emotionally numb. I hope I have hidden it well, but I guess this pretty much puts it all out there.
I will be fine.
Featured Image Art: unknown comic image
originally posted on Xanga