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Vacation:
I don’t look very excited to be on vacation, I know… but I am! Lori & I left yesterday at about 10:30ish. When we got to Stillwater, my dad was not feeling well and Janessa (Jes) had not shown up with Conner yet. When they did finally show up, Jes had brought her annoying best friend with her. It wasn’t a very exciting visit… Oh well.

We then went to Edmond to see Brent, Laurisa, and KC (my neice). I had quite a nice visit with my brother. It is always nice when he is in a talkative mood. Jim was supposed to call while I was there… he didn’t. After a long visit, Brent gave me some photos (he is a photographer), we went to eat, and were on our way to Sayre.

Now see… I love Sayre. I do forget that others don’t. It is a very small town which is falling apart. It is dusty, smells like a farm, and everyone knows everyone else’s business. Just our presence in town was undoubtably talked about. I wanted the full experience, so we stayed at the Western Motel, a great old motel with a vintage sign (I will post a pic when we get our film developed). I just feel at home there. They pronounce my name correctly without asking (I have tons of family out there). Plus, when we walked into the motel room, the Bible was not only on the table for us, it was opened so we could start right in! I love that crazy stuff.

We woke up this morning pretty early. I was hyper after sleeping, which is way unusual. We gave ourselves plenty of time before deciding to go eat. Again, small town. I am not sure that Lori quite grasped that. The options were 2 diners and 1 donut shop (which closed at 10:00). Sonic (literally the 3rd restraunt in town) was probably open, but we weren’t really feeling it. We didn’t eat. We drove out to Sweetwater.

The cemetary was nice. It wasn’t too hot, partly cloudy. One complaint: just a little too windy for what I was doing (cutting silk flowers). I prepared the flowers and put them at my grandparents grave. I reserved 1 each for Janice, my aunt who died when she was 2 weeks old, and my great grandma McGuire. I removed the old flowers, dusted off the headstone, and we left — old flowers in tow.

We drove from there with even less desire to stop and eat. We settled on the veggies we had brought with us, but foolishly not touched yesterday. We then drove back to Oklahoma City and down to Norman.

In Norman, we stopped to see Jim at work. I didn’t have any idea where his work was and we circled the block once before stopping for directions… I was trying to be a boy and not ask… We stopped in and saw him (and Yesh too). It was very nice to see him as friends instead of as a love interest. I can deal with Jim as friend, I think. He is so goofy, with his bingo obsession! We chatted just briefly with him before he had to get back to work. But not before he told me about the “braclets” we got at Pride… if you know, you know.

We then started the longest part of the drive down to Round Rock. We stopped and ate in Ardmore, stopped for gas in several different places, but we generally just drove. Now, here we are… in Round Rock. David isn’t here… But I can still visit with/see Travis. We have some brief plans tomorrow, so hopefully we can fill it in with fun stuff. Lori, David, and I are planning on going out. I really wish Travis and Sandra would come with, but at least we can talk behind their backs this way… hehe.

Having a lot more fun than working!

Children:
I really think that Jes should listen only to herself in choosing the name of her children. She was talked out of Felix Doyle once before, but has her heart set on it again. She needs to ignore everyone else and just do it! Felix Fuchs is fun anyway!

Conner and KC are the best kids ever!

Questions: (1:50 a.m.)
I just came back inside from lying on the driveway watching the stars float ever upward — and never moving. I watched and smoked and realized that I am happy.

Lori asked me about my friendship with Travis before we got to his house. I was left with a question, which I maybe should have asked then (she wants me to talk about me more, which I am not accustomed to doing). Why are Travis & I friends? Furthermore, why am I friends with anyone else? I suppose I have a good answer in some cases. I helped Justin through his mental illness struggles. Robby and I are young gay men who have a lot in common. Lori and I work together and have mutual tastes as far as work goes. From there, we are able to share similar musings on family with one another. But Travis? JD? Jess? Shauna? James? Brent? (yes, he is my brother, but also my friend) Why? I don’t know.

Maybe we need no reason. Maybe it is about nothing more than acceptance of who we are by another human being. But I am not friends with so many people who would or are accepting of who I am fully. It occurs to me that not only do I have no reason, but I am not sure there is one. I feel at home around Travis. I just like him. And he has flaws… flaws that would bother me if he was someone else. I just was thinking. I might go back out there later if I don’t stop thinking about it.

G:
After visiting her in the cemetary, I purchased a turqiose ring, which I am wearing right now. It really makes me think of her and miss her like crazy. She used to have small bits of turqoise that she kept on one of her bookends. The bookends were shaped like canoes with people in them. From there, I think about her house and how I miss it.

Featured Image Art: photo of Western Motel, Sayre, OK

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Vacation:
Adios all! I will update as I can, but probably not everyday. I will miss all of you (and your posts) dearly… Try to go on without me… I know it’ll be hard, but it’s still only a week.

VACATION!!!

Featured Image Art: photo of Ewan McGregor

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Vacation:
I’m trying to solidify plans with everyone. I haven’t heard from Jim. I did talk to my dad though. Yay! I am doing a happy dance as I type this… Woo hoo. What I would really like to do is have a ton of money drop from the sky and into my house so I could make this vacation a little longer… I am just so sick of work right now… Ug.

Sleep:
Maybe nothing is wrong with my sleep cycle. Maybe it is just different. Yeah, that’s it… Of course. I slept until 4 today… Ridiculous. I had/have too much to do to waste my life sleeping. I was on the phone with Robby last night for 3 HOURS & 40 MINUTES! My ear still hurts. That is so unusual for me — I hate being on the phone, but it was nice. And I blame the call for my lack of sleep last night. As if this is the first time…

Drink:
Sonic Strawberry Limades really are one of the best things on the planet! They make me very happy.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian

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Vacation:
It has officially started! Yay! I have tons to do tomorrow… egad… leisure time is always so much work… At least I don’t have to go to the store for EIGHT DAYS!!!!

Robby:
I am glad to help Robby… In a way, it makes me sad that he is so surprised that I was willing to help him out. Why can’t people have a little selflessness once in a while? Everyone: take a moment and do something for someone today or tomorrow that benefits you in absolutely no way. Honestly, it takes just a moment, and you can make someone else’s day just a little bit better. Rewards are not required in this life. And did it take much out of me? No. This selfish and inconsiderate planet makes me crazy sometimes.

Tonight:
I am spending this evening (when I should be getting ready to go to Texas) with Lori and Jess again. We are going to Theology On Tap. Last month was fairly lively, with one irritating woman bringing up the dumbest things. It’ll be fun! Update: (9:38 p.m.) That is time I will never get back… I hated it! The last speaker was so good that I had high expectations… Oh well… Can’t win ’em all.

Featured Image Art: photo of Kilkenney’s Irish Pub, Tulsa, OK

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Robby:
Good luck with the job hunt. I am sending you hugs and good thoughts. I really hope everything works out for you. I hope you know that you are a great guy… We talked for 2 and a half hours.. it was great to be able to share with someone again… someone who would never shut me out because of a jealous boyfriend. Not that I am bitter about that situation… Anyway, happy thoughts…

Extravaganza:
I went over to Jess’ place with Lori for a post 4th dinner & games extravaganza! We ate brats, played Uno, lit sparklers, and had a generally good time. It really felt like we used to… about a year ago. I miss the game nights and the closeness I had with them… which is strange, because I am closer to both of them now than I was then. But it was a shared closeness, “Lori & Jess” as a unit. Things ended up way too bitter and serious several months ago… and I hate the word “hate,” as we threw it carelessly around all the time. They are great… but they aren’t a they. Jess is great. Lori is great. Anywho, this evening was great.

Troy:
I am a complete moron. I hope he can find the time to forgive my stupidity and will still allow me in his life. I feel like a drama queen — I really try to not be… Hmmm… Sorry, T. Roy.

Featured Image Art: photo by Simon Ray (via Unsplash)

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Today:
Happy 4th all!

Becky:
She responded. She already knew. It all feels so silly now, having faced it. I had 3 people in my life left to share this with and the 2 I just told already knew… I guess it is naive to think they wouldn’t have figured it out by now. I am 24… My older brother, Brent, won’t have figured it out, I think. I don’t plan on telling him for some time yet, but I don’t expect much out of it. He is very judgmental, or can be.

Me:
As is apparent to the world at this point, I have been really frustrated and in pain lately. I honestly don’t know what set me off, but I am just upset about life. I try not to be; I try to be happy, but it is hard feeling like a pariah. I know I am not, and I really don’t want praise or attention (above what I normally need), but I just don’t know how to make this go away — this insufferable anguish. I am holding up fine on the outside, but internally I am exploding with feelings I don’t want anyone to know… “The mean reds,” to make a totally gay reference.

And there it is, the source of my problems. “GAY” <– I hate the societal pressures to be homophobic, I hate the teachings of the church, based solely on speculation that certain passages “probably” mean things I doubt they do. I hate that all of this makes my family not really want to know me. Oh, yes, they still love me. They told me that.

But when I fall in love… I won’t have the warm reception into my home with my new boyfriend as my straight brothers had with their girlfriends. I will never have a spouse that my family recognizes and loves the way Janessa and Laurisa are loved. I will never have children, which makes me want to curl up right now and die. The only purpose to life seems to be children. And I would love children. But I cannot deny myself. Nor will I.

I want to be loved for me, and accepted not just as the son who happens to be gay, but as the gay son. That sounds so weird, but I don’t want to live a secondary existence to my siblings… I need to be equal. They are recognized automatically as my parents straight sons. They are not sons who happen to be straight, with their wives and children… I don’t want to be different, or rather to feel like I am different. I am normal for me. I love my parents very much, but until they ask me out of the blue if I have a boyfriend (as they would ask about a girlfriend), I know they still can’t see me as anything but an annoyance, a problem, a pariah.

I know this makes very little sense, but I needed it off my heart for now. I know my parents love me. I too love them very much. I needed to rant. I am very tired now. I need to get away from this life… away from me.

Featured Image Art: photo by Mel Poole (via Unsplash)

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Letter:
I sent the letter I wrote to Stan, my uncle. He already knows I think, but not officially. Hmm… I feel like I am on some kind of coming out roll. Why do I need to do that right now? I keep thinking I left way more information on paper at work, but I am pretty sure I didn’t even write anything down… Why am I rambling?

Music:
I think I will spend the evening making CDs for my trip to Texas… I am so happy to have some time off. Yay!

Exercise:
Maybe I will go for a walk when it cools down tonight. That might make a nice change to just sitting here. I hope I decide to just do it.

Mimi:
I really miss my grandma today.

Stan:
He is really one of the greatest people I know. I cannot believe the e-mail I just got from him.

Brian,

In a word, WOW!!! Not the gay stuff. . . . . more on that later, but WOW to the ability you have to expose your soul. Don’t ever call yourself a coward, when you have the guts to express yourself in that way. You are very courageous, although you may feel like it took too long, or the timing was wrong, or whatever. There is time and place for all of this. Brian, it is YOUR journey. There is not a timetable. . . .( re: Tell Mom on day 30, tell brother on Day 40, uncle and niece on Day 50). . . . . none of that matters. This is YOURS and YOURS alone. Your heart and soul will dictate the time. Don’t let anyone (even your Mom), pressure you on who to tell, who not to tell. These are huge decisions that only you can make.

Now, that doesn’t mean that some in your life (and I hope this includes me) can help with decent advice. IF you want it. As you know, everyone has their beliefs, and they are all entitled to them. What they are NOT entitled to do. . . . is pressure you, judge you or make you feel less of a man. Only YOU, GOD, and those in your life that YOU choose should influence you and your journey through life.

Your parents are only capable of so much. they cannot understand this right away. Just like you needed time to figure it all out, so will they. I hope you don’t expect too much. They love you so much, but may never understand it. And that’s OK!! That is their issue to deal with, and they will do what they can, when they can and however they can. Just remember———-that is theirs. It doesn’t change anything. Same goes for Brent and Brad, and cousins for that matter. I can’t speak for the Wilkinsons. But I can speak for me and Opie and Annie. . . . . I am tearing up alittle, because they are so cool about it. They asked me a few months ago, and I said that it was yours to respond to that, not mine. They both said “Brian is so cool, who cares!” They have a wonderful non-judgmental attitude. With Diane being very homophobic, I am proud that they have formed their own opinions. They (and I) love you and do not define you by your sexuality. You will never be my gay nephew. You will always be my wonderful, creative, loving, caring, passionate, funny, warm, sincere, smart, alittle messy!, courageous, loyal nephew, that. . . oh yeah. . . happens to be gay. I will never define you any other way. Any more than I would define Brent and Brad as my Straight nephews! That makes no sense. ( I hope to goodness this comes out right ).

You mentioned that it might be easier to let Becky (and I presume me and others in the family) go and move on with your life. I hope you don’t. Give her and whoever you want a chance, but just know it could take awhile.

Here is some advice that you may not be so welcome, but I am on a roll. I feel like this. . . the more “in your face” you are with them, the harder it is for them to react. Remember that you are dealing with people that are ignorant enough to think you chose this. You won’t change their mind. And they can’t change your mind. And that’s OK. Just as hard as it is for them to get a grip on you being gay, you have to return the understanding and get a grip on the fact that they may never get it. Remember that may be as hard for you as it is for them.

Brian, like I said earlier, your exposing yourself like this is very brave, and I admire it. Just remember that they don’t control your happiness. Give your family a break, sure, but give yourself a bigger break.

And one last thing. . . . . . . .I will ALWAYS be there for you not matter what.

I love you, B2.

Your uncle.

Featured Image Art: photo of Stan & Brian

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Storm:
It’s been raining now for a couple of hours. I love a good storm, but I am the idiot who still has his computer plugged in… and on. I could deal with this weather all day today, but I think it’s going away this morning.

Vacation:
I can’t wait for my vacation. I just made plans last night to stop on my way through OKC to stop and see my brother’s family.

(KC…Yay!)
Isn’t she pretty. I would also like to be able to see my nephew, Conner. He is my other brothers kid. They live in Stillwater, so it isn’t as on the way as it could be… we probably won’t stop. I love being an uncle.

Becky:
It scares me that I haven’t heard from Becky yet. I hope she is not as upset with me as I now fear she could be… I am just not sure what to do. Maybe I should drop it and move on with my life… easier said… My mom tried to call earlier and I suddenly felt quite guilty over telling Becky, as my mom asked me never to tell family… It is still my path and I don’t like being pressured to do, or to not do, anything.

Featured Image Art: photo by KC (via Unsplash)

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Justin:
Justin called to talk earlier. He didn’t sound good. He then told me that Jennifer had died. I paused for a moment, not realizing who she was for a moment. First, I wrote this:

She Never Got To Tap Dance
Rain dripped silently from the cool June air.
No clouds spotted the sky,
but neither was there a sky at all.
In that misty darkness, Jennifer died.
Deaf and scared, she had known
for a while that her time was up,
but had never imagined it so soon.
She patiently waited for her last breath,
her last thought.

The keeper of the female emotions,
the carrier of love,
she told me several times that she
wanted to tap dance, but never learned how.
She is gone now and the dancing will never begin.
Justin has taken the emotions, the feelings,
the memories and now marches forward
to keep her memory alive.
He does this while comforting her family;
he does this alone. He must.

In the pain of childhood, Jennifer came
to help raise Justin.
She came with the others
to help keep emotions in check,
keep Justin safe.
Now, she has gone forever
and brave Justin is lonely and scared.

6/30/2004

Background on Jennifer:
Jennifer was one of Justin’s primary voices. Justin is schizophrenic and when he was about 12 or 13, he developed 3 distinct personalities in his head. Each controls certain emotions and parts of Justin’s life that Justin is no longer able to express. Jennifer was love, compassion, sexuality, etc. The three (Brandon, Jason, & Jennifer) are Justin’s oldest friends. He is devestated, but also exhausted. When an entity in your own head passes away, it must be traumatic. I really feel bad for Justin and hope that his heart is healed and he becomes a stronger person.

Advice:
I gave some advice last night that may have been bad. I told this girl I work with that it would be okay to get back together with her girlfriend, who had been abusive. I suck! I think it might work, but didn’t realize they were moving in together as part of getting back together. I care way too much about her to watch her get hurt, so this better work out. Otherwise, there will be some major drama involving her girfriend’s ass and my foot!

Molly & Franz:
My beautiful cats. I feel like I have been neglecting my poor babies. I love them so much! They are pretty good about just doing their own thing, but I still feel that I am not around to play with them enough. Play with your pussy today!

Featured Image Art: photo by Elena Kloppenburg (via Unsplash)

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Jim (yes, more about Jim):
I have had a lot of time to think about all the goings-on. I think it is quite amazing that he is so sure of himself. I really admire that. I think we will get along great as friends and hope we stay in each others lives for a very long time.

Lori:
I BLEW-UP at Lori this morning. It was all silly. I was just frustrated with the Jim situation, not to mention had very little sleep. I was upset and Travis was up so he was my shoulder. I feel bad now. I stormed out of Lori’s saying things I won’t repeat, peeled out of the parking lot and drove to work… I was so upset. And I know Lori is unhappy about some things sometimes, but I was in no mood for the tone… sorry Lori… Anyway, so then she wouldn’t speak to me all morning (I wouldn’t have either). I think it was nice to release though. I feel a lot better about life in general now.

Expectations:
I have decided to not have any expectations. I would rather just meet friends and if there are sparks, then we can go from there. I found out what trying to force it will do… it was not pretty at all. I want to be that person who just goes with the flow…

Featured Image Art: photo by Jessica Knowlden (via Unsplash)

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Clarification:
Jim knows what he wants. I belittled him by saying he might not. If I were him, I would be angry and frustrated with me. I was such a jerk and I am very sorry.

Jim:
I think we want very much to be friends. I like him a lot, but do not need more than friendship from him, even if I would have liked more at first. I expected too much, but I am happy with what I learned from the experience. Jim is absolutely a wonderful human being.

Featured Image Art: photo by Trym Nilsen (via Unsplash)

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Me:
I finally put myself out there… to no avail, but still… I did it. I need some gay friends. I love my friends so much, but they aren’t the same. There is something quite nice about sitting with a group of gay guys chatting about whatever. We even got to coming out stories. We could relate on a very personal level. I can’t say that about most of my friends. I don’t relate with them much — sometimes that is why we are friends. Jason was right… it would be wonderful to make a little gay family because that is what it feels like. I feel like I am around close family members, even around total strangers. They just need to be gay men around my age. That makes almost no sense, but… I know what I mean.

Jim:
(Jim: I would not presume to tell you how to live your life. This is purely my own thoughts). I really don’t want to offend him because I enjoyed him so much. I would love to be around him and his friends all the time. However, Jim doesn’t seem to know what he wants right now. I wish it was me; I wish it was a relationship. I really am not sure that it is. And maybe it was easy to slip into “slut” mode. His friends weren’t helpful at all though. I really wanted it to be more than it seemed to be. It was nice, but not much like a date. I started to let it confirm my feeling that I am repulsive, but decided to just look at it as an issue Jim is having. I am fully open to hanging out with him, but I really hope that he sees more in time. I am not like all the others. I really wanted to know more about Jim. More about his family, his opinions, his life. He is very attractive, but that isn’t why I drove an hour and a half to meet him. I am interested in him, and I really hope he decides to open up. He is one of the sweetest people ever; someone who can’t say no (he might change what is happening, but he doesn’t really say no). I liked him. But it is all in vain if he knows he will never feel the same way. I know it is silly to expect anything this soon, so I will continue talking to him and hopefully going to see him. If nothing else, I hope I have landed some wonderful new friends. I already miss them. Jim loves music so much and I love that.

Work:
I don’t want to go to work after such a great weekend.

Featured Image Art: photo by torn bluejeans (via PNG Tree)

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OKC Pride Fun:
This weekend was SO fun… Humid, but fun. Dinner Saturday night with Jim(the great guy), Jason, & Josh(“Yesh”) was great fun. Later we went clubbing, as everyone did apparently, and had a lot of fun. Back at Jim’s, there was no fun fun. Sleeping was fun. Sunday morning we went back to the park and then helped put together a float for the parade, which was somewhat fun. Then, after waiting around for quite a while we marched in the parade, handing out beads and candy — so much fun!!! Unfortunately, I had to leave after the parade which was not fun. But when I got to Tulsa, I went to a surprise 30th birthday party — more fun. Now, Lori is over and we are talking about our love lives and other stuff and she is fun.

Me:
I think I learned a lot about myself this weekend. I will write more later when I can think my thoughts through. It was all very nice. I did get the feeling that I couldn’t compete with the sea of naked boys, but I shouldn’t need to.

Featured Image Art: photo of OKC Pride

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Family:
I finally decided to come out to my cousin, Becky. She is really one of two people I haven’t told since coming out to my friends in 1997. She means a lot to me and I really think that it will devastate me should I ever lose her respect and friendship. Over the past few years I have started to tell her on a number of occasions, but have always chickened out. I must now do this, as the secrecy is pulling us further apart. I will keep you posted on what happens. I told her best friend, a coworker of mine, but she already knew. *Click here for he letter I sent to Becky*

Friends:
Nobody understands me. Not that it is anyone’s fault but my own, but I feel like people treat me like the wallflower who likes being that way. Sometimes I do. But what my friends do not get is that I take a long time to warm up to people (weeks, months, years sometimes). They all end up giving up on me. I have stories, thoughts, opinions, concerns. It just feels to me like it all has to be about everyone else all the time.

Possibilities:
This is what I wrote to the guy I am into that made him want to meet me(I had said his recklessness was sexy; he questioned it):

“Sexy? Certainly… There is a boyish charm… a carelessness that reminds me of boys I’ve loved, dreamed of loving. There is a certain nostalgia that lives in you. The memory of bicycles, summer afternoons, snowcones, and friends you seemed to only know then because they were from the neighborhood. There is an impetuous nature that causes memories of things that have not yet happened. I can picture the impulsive way I’d be kissed or my hand grabbed and we’d run through a field for no reason other than the act itself. And how I would bring breakfast in bed because someone won’t listen and hurt himself… again! And I would nurse your wound, which would hurt longer because you’d want to be taken care of. And I’d be woken up at 3:00 a.m. some January night to be dragged outside to dance in the falling snow. Yes, it is sexy.”

Just wanted to share that because I was proud of it. Plus it is all true. I tried to write a poem about the same thing while I was on lunch today at work. I am still blocked. I have decided to rejoin pathetic.org. I will post a link when it is up.

Money:
I need to stop spending money. I am so scared of financial things right now. I would have been more vague about that if I could.

Me:
Big Friday plans: Haircut, clothes shopping (if I don’t have anything suitable for Saturday & Sunday), dinner with Dad & Lori, call Mom, call the guy, watch Six Feet Under Season 1, Disc 2. Big day. I may have caused a bit of a rift between myself and a good friend because of my funk. I hope he doesn’t hate me. And I hope I can learn to not hate his boyfriend (I am not there at this point). Forgive me T.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian & Becky

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Work:
Inventory went very well. My store manager was there with me this time. She tends to freak out about things like inventory, for obvious reasons. But last night, she was able to calm down considerably once she figured out that I knew what I was doing. It also helped that there was an inappropriate interaction taking place between another manager and a part time employee the entire night!

Money:
Yay! I will not be losing my house. That is a pretty dramatic statement, but it was a distinct possibility about a month ago. I elected not to tell anyone, family or friend. I think that in reading this some of them might feel slighted and not trusted. That is not at all what happened. It was a very embarrassing situation and I wanted to solve it. I did and I am elated. I just need to be more careful about making my house payments on time in the future… Relief!!!

Robby:
I think he felt like he was calling too much. I really wish he didn’t feel that way. I will call him today. Maybe he has just been busy… I hope everything is okay with him.

Featured Image Art: photo of Southroads Barnes & Noble Music Department, Tulsa, OK

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