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Happy Birthday Heather! I am sitting here at the end of the party at Heather’s. I begrudgingly was convinced to engage in a game of Apples To Apples, which wasn’t as bad as I wanted it to be. Okay, fine, it was fun.

Everyone who came was in good spirits, which was nice. Somehow, I expected some of the drama lovers to attend, but they didn’t. Yay.

Even bigger news… I have a phone now! FINALLY. It has been several months since I last had a phone. I opted for a cell, since it doesn’t require that I be at home all the time. I am very happy with that decision.

Finances are on the way to normal. They aren’t there yet, but they definitely are going that way.

I am considering a second job. Heather would like me to go for the other theater chain in town, but just to go to free movies. I think I would like to try for Pier 1 or some such place.Continue Reading

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Alas, my socks don’t match today. My belt is black; my shoes are brown. Even my left hand seems larger than my right. As I drove to work this morning, the colors seemed so intense and distant and nothing felt real. I am out of sorts. I am trapped in a little bubble and everything is a little distorted as I look out at the world. I’m not sure why this is, but stress seems to be the safest bet.

I’ve recently discovered what the pain of homesickness feels like and I don’t really care for it. I was putting together my photo album, as I do when the sequence of events needs to be altered to represent who I am now, when I felt an ever increasing ache in my entire being. With no other warning, I began to cry. I have tested my limits and discovered my true breaking point. It seems that nine months is too long to be away from my loved ones. Rather like birth. Nine months was enough and I had to emerge and meet my family. Now I feel that again.

It isn’t just homesickness. Everything from home has been negative. Everything. A close friend of my mom is dying. Mom isn’t doing well with that. Stan isn’t doing well. And financially, everyone is suffering like never before. Individually, we are all used to being pennyless, but simultaneous draining of our monies has created quite a problem. I am already essentially homeless, but now my parents might end up that way as well. It is hard to deal with everything being so far away, but I just keep praying that everything will be okay.

I haven’t been a model human being lately. I have a good heart and I mean well, but that can only get you so far in this life. My lack of attention to what seem to be important things in life has really added to the hole I continue to dig for myself. My brain just won’t work correctly. I find that music is the only thing that can keep me focused, which is likely the reason I love it so much. I can actually think about something rather than thinking about everything.

This is all depressing and I am not really sad at all. I actually feel blessed to be here on this planet at this moment in time. It feels right. Life is interesting. I never thought my path would include excursions to far away places — and certainly not for the length of time that it has, but I am glad that it has. I am also fascinated that people I meet seem to fill holes in my life I didn’t even realize I had. It is as though I was meant to meet them… meant to know them. My destiny seems to be working itself into fruition. I guess everyone realizes what life means for them at a certain point in life. For me, that hasn’t really happened. yet, but the picture is becoming increasingly clear. Life isn’t fuzzy like is once was. Well, that isn’t exactly true. Maybe life is a little less fuzzy.

Incidentally, I have been slowly introducing Asian foods into my pantry. I am really enjoying curries & noodles & such. Plus, food at Asian markets is super cheap.Continue Reading

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I have been feverishly trying to define myself. I have actually been doing a lot of non-Brian activities lately. I have a need to figure out what religion I am most aligned with… I don’t know why I have this need to define myself. I am usually satisfied with my beliefs being what they are and not needing to lock them into a pre-defined set of… whatevers. But I somehow need to know. I have discovered that I rest somewhere happily between non-Baptist protostant Christianity, Hinduism, & Judaism. Somehow, that makes sense finding that out. But I don’t know what to do with that information either. I went on this quest mainly to answer the question when asked, but I am no closer to doing that. The honest answer is confusing to most.

Meanwhile, the condo is not sold… I have made plans to visit Oklahoma in October… Work is good… Heather has a birthday soon… I got my invite to Dorothy & Sean’s wedding… I have been unsettlingly homesick… I am still broke… my tattoo design is not yet completed… Ashley & I are going to the fair next weeked and then she is taking me out to a glacier the following week… and life goes on.

I will include some things I have written soon. I have been at it again, which really means I have been a bit depressed. No worries though; depression is the only means to my self expression. My creative self will now be allowed out for a breath.

I miss the weirdest things.

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