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Goodbye Kitty:
Enough already with the creepy Japanese characters… they are so gay! Hey, me too… Hmm… I really do love Sanrio, but the characters just make me look so over the top and… something. Blah.

Mom (the information I have):
Apparently, she took a large quantity of sleeping pills after some conversation with her brother. It really pisses me off. Brad took her to the hospital, where she ended up in ICU. This all occurred in the middle of the night. I finally talked to my dad this morning. A couple of times. He had me call my aunt, told me she was fine, and told me he would update me. Okay… I was at work, so fine. Brad called a little later and told me I needed to come over after work. He said my dad wanted me there, but wasn’t even aware that I had talked to him earlier today. It was frustrating. I am not going over there.

Mom (why I won’t go):
I can’t. I don’t want to be around for this. I can’t help. I can’t see her. I am upset. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to halt my life every other week because she needs attention, which makes me sound heartless. I am angry with her. I don’t want to be just another person there. I am tired. I am stressed and nobody listens to my frustrations. I am selfish. I hate life right now and don’t want to risk a happy moment. I really feel like I just don’t want to be there. I hate hospitals right now. I do want to, but really want to be stubborn. I have things to do. I have had a long day and don’t need it to be longer. I think I make things worse because she is still having a hard time with my being gay. I just want one of these fucking days to be happy. I want to enjoy being me. I feel like my presence solves nothing. She is fine. She did this to herself. She knows I love her. She doesn’t want me to see her this way. She doesn’t want me involved this way. She wants me to just be her son.

Guilt trips are evil. I shouldn’t be required to justify my feelings just because someone else doesn’t agree. Today sucks a little.

Meghan:
Meghan managed to make me smile today. Thank you Meg.Continue Reading

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I am losing my mind and falling apart!

I went to Lori’s this afternoon to finish off the frozen pizza and my Margaret Cho DVD. I remember switching to TV and then Lori sitting down on the chair. Okay, see… she had gotten home from work, I am mysteriously sleeping in her house. I found it to be a little creepy, and I could tell it had irritated her a little bit. Granted, we had discussed me eating the pizza, but not sleeping my afternoon away. It was a little bit funny!

After that, I was awake, we ordered Chinese, and talked. But my hand freakin’ hurts. I have a sharp pain in my wrist and it is worthless for anything. I tried to use it as I stood up and it almost killed me. I don’t know what is wrong with it, but it seems that all my joints are starting to go out. I must be due for an oil change and tune up or something… I am basically falling apart. Now, I enjoy some daily pain in my neck, shoulders, hands, wrist (left only), knees, and elbow (left only). Only occasionally do I also have back, ankle, or hip pain… but I do. I really don’t mean to whine about it, but after a while, the pain can get old. Blah… This is why I should see a doctor!!!Continue Reading

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Sad:
I went to Lulu Faboo after work and treated myself to some Deery-Lou stuff (pens, stickers, and a small mirror). Deery-Lou makes me smile. I know, I know, it is a little bit sad.

Sleep:
Although it was glorious, sleeping so long last night was unfortunate because I could have gotten some stuff done. I need some time to start preparing for painting half of the living room. That involves quite a lot reorganizing so that I will have a place to move all of the furniture while I do that. And what do I do with the cats when I paint? I don’t want to board them or lock them in another room, but I may need to.

Money:
Fortunately, I keep talking myself out of spending money. I have stopped ordering so much at work, and the only DVD I want right now is one I am exchanging something for. That makes it cost nothing. I want to be the person who doesn’t buy stuff. **Explanation of the Deery-Lou: yes, it was spending money, but it actually something I had planned for, not just an impulse. That is really what makes it sad. Plus, we are talking about $11.00.

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Life is too damn complicated!!!
So, it was brought to my attention by way of big orange sticker, that my tag was way expired. I hadn’t really thought to check, since I got the car in December. Oh well… but I had no money to switch the insurance into my name and my parents didn’t want to continue the policy. I really needed to do something. I finally negotiated with my dad for him to go get the new tag, I would pick it up, and I would pay him back.

After work, I rode with Lori home because she offered to take me to Stillwater (an hour away), but she wanted to change clothes first. When I got upstairs, my electricity had been shut off. Apparently, I didn’t pay it last week like I thought. I was so irritated, but I called and paid. Of course it was too late for today.

Lori drove me to Stillwater and we only stayed briefly. On the way, I asked about sleeping at her house. A formality really, as I have fallen asleep there before. We finally got back to Tulsa at 9:45. I was feeling sick again, but this time there was the feeling of vomiting. It didn’t happen.

Back in my dark house, I took a shower by dim candlelight and daydreamed about not having electricity at all. Life would be so different… Went to Lori’s, tried to sleep, tried to sleep, tried to sleep, slept. I woke up unhappy, late, in pain, and with no patience. My illness is not a going away. I feel slightly better, but there is a dull abdominal pain involved now. I think I am fine, but will take care of it when proven wrong. Blah.Continue Reading

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Still Awake!
I cannot sleep and I feel like crap. I think I am getting a cold. THIS SUCKS. I didn’t leave my house at all yesterday thinking that might help. It did not. Now, I missed all the rain yesterday and I am still sick. Blah. One of these days my body will work correctly.

Music Recommendations For Meghan:
Elgin Park : Elgin Park
Jude : No One Is Really Beautiful
Jude : King Of Yesterday
Scissor Sisters : Scissor Sisters
Rufus Wainwright : Want One
Wheat : per second, per second, per second…every second
Fuck : Cupid’s Cactus
The Triplets Of Belleville soundtrack
Jim White : No Such Place
Blur : Best OfContinue Reading

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Justin:
I am super happy because Justin has a Xanga. I am on a mission to have everyone I know on here apparently. I think he could really use it though… he has a lot to get off his heart, what with his DID or schizophrenia or whatever he has this week… I love him so much. What an excellent friend.

Me:
I discovered that I absolutely love hand massages. I love them almost as much as having my neck and shoulders clawed. It just hurts so good. Yay. I just need to find someone to massage me 24/7.

Car:
I really need to get my tag up to date… it is way expired. But I need some damn money. Blah. I also need some new insurance. It is still under my parents plan, since they gave the car to me. I just hate spending money on this crap… but I guess I have to. I really don’t want a ticket/have my car towed. This place sucks. Oh well.

Music:
I was given this list of recommendations from Meghan. I thought I would not only share the suggestions, but my thoughts on them, as I am sure she would be interested.

The Kings of Convenience : Quiet Is The New Loud
♣I was planning on purchasing another album by this group already… They are amazing!
The Format : Interventions & Lullabies
♣This was really very good!
Iron & Wine : The Creek Drank The Cradle
♣Excellent disc. Would need to think about purchasing, but I do like it.
Yo La Tengo : I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One
♣This took me back to high school too much. Maybe it is because it is from that time, but it reminded me of too many groups, without the satisfaction of a memorable song.
The Sea and Cake : One Bedroom
♣Eh… okay.
The Starlight Mints : Built On Squares
♣This is an awesome disc… at the moment. I fear it may be too novel for me and I would hate it after a short run.
Damien Rice : O
♣Had it, loved it, got old (played in-store), gave it away, only like 1 or 2 songs now.
Teitur : Poetry & Aeroplanes
♣Didn’t get to… will soon.
Eliott Smith : Either/Or
♣Didn’t get to… will soon.
Beck : Sea Change
♣When this CD was released, I mentioned to someone that I wasn’t ready for it. I knew that I would eventually enjoy it. That time has come. I listened again and love it.
Beck : Mutations
♣I didn’t listen, but I love everything Beck does!

I am coming up with a list for her now…Continue Reading

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Xanga:
Yay! I fixed my jacked up Windows Media Player… now I can visit xangas with music on them again. It had been locking up my browser. Whew…

I also started a “family friendly” xanga (uncle_bri). I am trying to get my mom interested in this, but don’t need her to read everything I write. I tend to reveal too much on here sometimes.

LiveJournal:
I have finally figured out everything and have come to the same conclusion. It just isn’t as good. More people, but not as good. I did run into someone I know on there. Meghan. Anyway, I am glad to understand it.

Money:
I really don’t want to upset people, but I will with this. My money is mine. I can spend it the way I want, regardless of others impressions of how much money I should have or how much stuff I shouldn’t. I do make mistakes, and I want to be corrected if an obvious oversight has been made, but if I want another DVD, that should be okay. I just feel belittled by constant “mothering.” Blah. At the same time, I don’t mind discussing things, but I think there is a problem when I feel the need to hide things I buy in my own home. Sorry, person who knows they do this. I have been so busy trying to make everyone else’s life easier (parents, brothers, co-workers…) that I left me out and have been miserable for a while now.

Being Miserable:
I started doing it again, and I hate it. Thoughts that need to go away. I haven’t been this uncomfortable being me since high school… and that was terrible. I think I am just feeling that life is purposeless, what with everyone I know dying or having major problems. Life sucks, but the weird thing is that I am in fairly good spirits. I am just apathetic, complacent, drained, and emotionally numb. I hope I have hidden it well, but I guess this pretty much puts it all out there.

I will be fine.Continue Reading