Have a wonderful 2010 everyone! It has been an eventful decade. I’m going to strive to make the coming one as excellent as I can. While I don’t always trust resolutions, I might even make a few for myself to ring in the new year and decade.
Love to everyone.
Warning: This is awfully full of self-pity, frustration, and all the unattractive qualities of a 30 year old single guy. This has been a difficult Christmas Day. I’ve tried to distract myself from it, but I’m spending Christmas alone and I am very aware of it. Last year, I had a sense of family. I spent the day with my three friends and two dogs and it was really a lovely holiday. This year, I’m feeling a little left out and lost. I suppose that is a place everyone has been at some point. And it is hardly a surprise. I knew everyone would have their real plans, but I guess I was looking for a way in; something to cement me into their lives this year. I don’t know how to create that and I’ve dealt with it all awkwardly, feeling like the pity invite to many plans over the years. Those are the times I feel gigantic, like the huge thing everyone is trying to pretend isn’t really as in the way as it is, the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room. Most people are nice enough to not mention how out of place I seem to be, which I appreciate. I just wish I felt like I belong somewhere.
Loneliness is such a horrible part of life. This has much more to do with me and my own lack of fulfillment is being with only myself than it has to do with anyone’s actions. I just feel so desperate to feel needed sometimes. Right now, I don’t.
I hate leaving sad thoughts on here, but sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m not looking at what I have and what I don’t seems much larger and more important. Life can’t always be beautiful.
Start shopping! I want six or so Buddha’s hands. These would make such amazing and fragrant ornaments. How cool would it be to clove these instead of regular oranges this year!? Can’t find any? Okay, how about something Buddha’s hand flavored or scented. Hey, it’s more tangible than the color grey, which I’ve wanted before and not received.
It was Cinco de Mayo 1991 when I decided to be baptized. My brother and I made our request together, saying in effect that we bought what we had been sold. We believed that Jesus was not only the son of God, but that he’d died for us. I was 11. Brent was 12. And I really did believe it, I still do. It’s a fundamental part of one’s growth in a Protestant church. And I appreciate the message that your relationship is a decision you make and not something thrust upon you as an infant. What I didn’t know at the time was that I spend my adult life feeling like my baptism was something I need to apologize for.
I don’t know where the shame came from. I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I’m glad to have my faith and think it often affects who I am and what I do in my life. But the world we live in has become increasingly tolerant for all types of faith and belief with the exception of Protestant Christianity. No, for us there is increasing skepticism. I keep my Christianity quiet in most cases, but when people find out there is often the raised eyebrow and a look on their face that seems to ask “how can a rational person buy into that?” I’m sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’m gay and with the televangelists who claim to speak for God (they speak only for themselves). There are plenty of things that are off-putting about Christianity as it is practiced by so many ignorant Americans.
I’m not going to explain what I believe here. It is complicated, as I think it should be. If your faith is simple, you’ve missed something. There is far too much to consider to blindly follow or never question yourself.
“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde
I struggle with that and this whole Christianity issue is only a small part of that. I have to be unapologetic about being who I am… fully who I am. And I hope others can learn to do that for themselves too. I don’t just think it takes all sorts of people to make this world interesting, I love that it does. This world would be so boring if we were all the same.
It’s been hard to not feel sad today. It was Thanksgiving of last year when everything seemed to be starting, but that wound up being the beginning of the end of such important things.
A Year and a Half
That love had teetered so long;
the old one was fed up and pushed it over
onto the ground, where it broke into chunks.
Instantly, it felt dead and we gathered around
sick to our stomachs and wondering how
to put the pieces back together.
Our attempts kept failing,
weird versions of what seemed familiar
rising from our efforts.
Parts seemed missing or no longer fit
the way it seemed they should.
A family died that day.
It’ll never have felt like quite enough
when I try to remember it years from now.
Things will start to seem silly and the memory
of two beautiful people will haunt me
when I’m still watching TV on Saturday nights.
8.25.2009
But life goes on. New faces have replaced the familiar ones. It isn’t the same; it’s frequently upsetting. That does not make these new circumstances bad ones. I know I keep going on about my awkward friendship with someone I love so much, but it is because I don’t accept it. I refuse. The weirdness needs to end soon.
I’m thankful to be me today. I don’t think I would want to be anybody else. Being me may mean that I remain lonely and alone for a while longer, even for a long time, but I’m still glad I’m me. I wish I could be the person who certain people wanted, but that is more of a change I’d like to see with them than it is with me.
I’m thankful for friends today. There are so many beautiful people in my life. I’m really blessed.
I’m thankful for family today. I complain endlessly about them, but those complaints come from such love. I miss them everyday. I’m so fortunate to have come from a family like mine.
I’m thankful for a lot of things today. I cannot imagine being in another time or place right now. Even when things aren’t going perfectly, maybe especially then, life just seems to suit me. It is all good.
I was invited to so many wonderful celebrations for the holidays. I’m sad that I was unable to attend them. Kevin & Kerith opened their home to friends and I hope it was a magical experience. I was not free for the soirée, but hope I can make it to their place in the future. They both make me feel so small; they radiate goodness. Heather had another fête at her home. They are so frequent, but I end up feeling so awkward. I don’t like feeling out of place. I love the ones who attend these parties though. Perhaps I should get over it.
I hope everyone had a warm Thanksgiving surrounded by love and loved ones. If you are doing some shopping in the morning, please shop safely. Hugs to everyone.
Dad survived Tuesday, which is a monumental blessing.
Life’s funny sometimes.
Scarcity has been a great necessity. I had started to feel dried up like a squid snack.
Kerith is pretty awesome. Kevin is lucky. Kevin is also pretty awesome. Kerith is lucky.
I have a friend who I miss terribly. I think I’d developed a crush. Maybe distance was important. That doesn’t make me feel better about things.
My niece is Yoda.
Hooray for Heather! She has some of my all time favorite arms, which we were graced with daily when I worked with her selling books and coffee to people who I couldn’t stand. And Heather almost always smells pretty. Way to be awesome, little Heather.
Other stuff worth mentioning:
•My computer died. I’m using an even more ancient one. Dreadful!
•I have a tire on my car that requires air twice a day and a bank account incapable of supporting the purchase of a new tire. I’ve been cranky about it today.
•Earlier today, I had a Totino’s pizza. Say what you will about them, I still love them. They do make my house smell gross for a great many hours after though.
•I have so many ideas in my head I might just explode. If I do this over a notebook, maybe some of them will live on. I am trying to make this super collision of three different genres. I really should focus on my book.
•I was cranky with David and now I feel bad about it. Like I said, the tire. But also I’ve been really tired and my back has been hurting. I’m really not in a bad mood though.
•I miss last year. I want Daniel to be happy. I miss Daniel this week. I think it is better that I took a break from him. I think my feelings had taken a wrong turn. I don’t want to mess things up by being me about him.
•I really do enjoy drinking tea.