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2004:
It is nearly over. I have survived, but I feel like just barely. The past couple of weeks have been so stressful and exhausting. I feel like I haven’t had any time to myself. Because I haven’t. I blog when I am alone and off work. It is my release, my sanctuary. But there has been none. It is done. Christmas behind us, we will be settling back into the day to day routine soon. I look forward to that time. It is funny how the times I so enjoyed as a child are the very ones that stress me out and I hate as an adult.

Belated:
I really must wish a happy birthday to a few people. I missed the actual days, and I am sorry for that. Conner and Nick both had birthdays on the 20th, Sandra on the 22nd, Jesus on the 25th… hmm. I know there were some others. I can’t think what they were. Hmm.

Now that things have settled and the “holidays” are over, I will write more this week.Continue Reading

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…
I should be sleeping, but I find myself up thinking about getting old, or maybe just death. I am a little blue, but I know that I am not alone. I so desperately wish I could be alone in this sometimes. A friend e-mailed me the other day to tell me that his paternal grandpa and his maternal grandma are both in poor health. Very poor. It breaks my heart that he is dealing with the things I have struggled with. Honestly, this friend has had more than his fair share of struggles in his life. I want to give him a big hug.

Papa isn’t doing that well… it makes me feel guilty and sad. I am not sure I could handle anything happening to him right now. It would tear me up. He has back problems, which are not serious, but he has started feeling old, which is worse.

When John died, I has hoped that I would never deal with death again, knowing that was stupid… I just don’t know what I have left. I already do a great deal of pushing people away. More abandonment might cause a great break down. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I know that Papa isn’t doing that well, so I have visited less. It doesn’t help that the house makes me sad because Mimi should be there. Age is such a cruel joke. If you can make it through this life, you will be rewarded with death. How much sense does that make. I wish we didn’t get old – I don’t necessarily mind aging per se, but I don’t want people to die.

I hope Travis understands how much I love him and I will keep his family in my thoughts and prayers. I have so many thoughts in my head, but I am so tired that I will have to come back to them when I am not fighting with my sleep.Continue Reading

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Sleep:
Once again, my sleep is a little screwy. I would blame it on my being sick, but that is almost over and really has little to do with it in my estimation. I think it is entirely caused by my own foolishness. When one is tired, one should go to sleep. This one, however, doesn’t always do that. It is okay, but I just don’t want my sleep pattern to interfere with work… and somehow it always does. I really need to stop complaining about this. If nothing is changing I will just have to accept it.

Shopping:
My parents came over for some shopping today. I really enjoyed it, even if it did seem to be a little pointless. They picked up very little. I do have some ideas of what to get them though. We all went to Cracker Barrel after, as it is somewhere they can’t go in Stillwater. Then a quick trip to Nam-Hai, Hancock, and they returned home. I miss that. They used to come over all the time. Now I just feel like I am the son who hasn’t brought them the joy of grandchildren… which just makes me feel like a failure in life. I really wish that things were different sometimes and that I had the opportunity to have children of my own. I love my neice and nephews, but that isn’t the same. They also had KC with them, my neice. She is fun and very good natured. God, I want a family… and yes, I want a husband.

When they left, I went to Target to find a gift for my secret Santa person at work. I had picked up one thing because it was a good deal, but then I found the exact perfect thing I was looking for. I got that instead. I really think it will be a hit! I also got a small something for Lori, some gift bags, a gift for a girl at work I didn’t really want to buy for (but it was perfect), and some additional cards. I showed amazing restraint and put back the three items that I would never have used (2 clearance bags & an empty tin). I enjoyed the day, but it was exhausting. I stopped by Lori’s, watched last half of CSI, all of Without A Trace, and fell asleep sometime during the 10 o’clock news.

Work:
Work has been insanity lately. Such is the nature, yadda yadda yadda… I do of course work in retail. This weekend look like it will be a blast!!! We have a great crew Friday and Saturday, and then the manager party is on Sunday! Good times. It’ll be nice to be around these people and be having a good time — with the exception of Lori, with whom I often enjoy myself.

I just about killed Nick the other day, and now I understand someone called out yesterday… they are all on my list at this point. ALL OF THEM. I guess I need to start getting mean before someone notices. I love them to death, but they are walking all over me and they don’t really care right now. Maybe that isn’t true of everyone, but I get the feeling that several of them feel that way. Woe.Continue Reading

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Random Thoughts To People I Know:

•I do usually know, Lori. Maybe I can put in a camera!
•Break a leg, Meg. Or at least have a good time.
•Jessica Cassesa! Where have you been?!? We need to shop!
•It was strange and nice to catch up, Robby.
•Travis? Do I know someone named Travis?
•Jess, things are not looking good. See me for details.
•I miss you, Christine.
•Meghan… the hair… wtf?
•Good luck with the living situation, Nick & Sarah.
•Justin, I am very sleepy and I want to watch TV.
•I don’t really want to mess with Christmas, Brent & Laurisa.
•When will I see you again, Ren?
•I love that you work at my store now, Shauna.
•I might be secretely stalking you, Meghan. One can never be sure.
•Christine! You must want your DVD back. I’m a horrible person!!!
•Lori, I want to make some stuff… really.
•Jill, I went to get that movie for you, but it was way expensive!!!
•Jerr…?
•Oh, Shauna, sorry I didn’t say Good Morning the other day. It hurt to.
•Can’t wait to work with you on Tuesday, Meghan!
•Justin, I am mad at you!!! No reason.
•Brad, are you ever actually online?
•You make me smile, John (venusunfolding).
•Can I borrow that one movie, Jilly???
•Brandy, I will let you borrow the kd lang CD. You didn’t get it just for being a lesbian like you wanted.
•JD. Just JD.
•I can’t wait to see you again, Troy. It has been too long.
•I love you, Jobeth.
•Travis who?Continue Reading

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Yay!

I have been having the most wonderfully fantastic day today. No reason at all. I just love life today and this all makes me believe that I am becoming my parents, bipolar disorder and all. A customer gave me a verbal award for being the nicest music seller anywhere in town, John (our receiving manager) got me a small gift just to be nice, and Meghan worked with me. She was also in an obnoxiously good mood today. I was just so grand to be alive, even though I was hacking and sneezing all day!!! I am super excited about getting some stuff done tomorrow and then I can relax. I might even turn my heat on! I was waiting until December and it will be December tomorrow.

Being sick doesn’t suck so much today… I will soon be going to Lori’s for some Amazing Race fun. Calm, quiet fun…

Meghan:

Meghan is one of the most wonderful people I know. She is just too much. Avert your eyes anyone who knows me or anyone who knows Meghan… It is just a shame she isn’t a gay boi (*wink wink*) or that she is an employee…(because I am not technically supposed to hang out with her)… I really think she is fantastic!Continue Reading

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Blah!

I have been a little under the weather lately. Sniffles n’ such, ya know. It kinda sucks, but what can you do. I have had a lot of sleep, which is nice. And medicine head is more fun than it should be.

It beginning to look a lot like…

Justin and I just did some Christmas shopping today. I went ahead and got a small tree. It was 40% off at Hobby Lobby! I also got some stuff to make a wreath and some wind-up lederhosen for my dad. They are cute. Justin got stockings and stocking holders, all of which were 50% off. It is a nice group, but they need two more stockings for the dogs, which he is going to have Patrick get. Some cleaning tonight and tomorrow and then Wednesday I will decorate!!!

Being sick sucks.Continue Reading

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Thankful:

First, I would like to say that I am thankful for so many things. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine was excellent. I sometimes don’t allow myself to enjoy my family, but I really do. It is nice to feel that relaxed around people. I am thankful for my cousins, who are becoming such wonderful people. I am thankful for my brothers and their families. I am thankful for my uncle, even when he really annoying. I am thankful for my grandpa (Papa) who was too quiet this year. I wish him speedy recovery on his back. I am especially thankful for having the greatest parents ever. They are both as much friends as parents. I enjoy them so much. Their house can be too hectic for me though, with the children always under foot.

The day was so great. We watched Will & Grace, visited, and played with the kids all day at my parents’ house. Gradually, everyone made their way down to my grandpa’s house. We started with 15 and by the time I left for my grandpa’s, only my dad was left. We had the best and most moist turkey I have ever had!!! It just fell apart as the knife touched it, so no need to slice it at all. I sat at the kids’ table, where I have sat my entire life. Really, we all are. That table is, and has always been Opie, Annie, myself, and some combination of others including Becky, Brad, Brent, etc. The actual kids are still too young to sit off by themselves. It was just an excellent day.

So, Where Has Brian Been???

Nowhere. I have just not been on the computer that much. I guess life is just boring lately. Not that I have been bored. I do have opinions on that. I want a boyfriend. I want to feel loved. I am scared of looking… scared to death of trying… of putting myself out there. I miss my gay friends. This is really where gay friends come in handy. I am lonely and I don’t like it at all. Blah. I am basically content with my life otherwise. I do need to get on here and just blog already!!! I sometimes forget that my friends check this to see what is going on… Travis.

Work:

Speaking of work, Shauna is working at my store as of earlier this week!!! It is so nice to see her face at work. I so miss living with her and James. I wish things never changed and you could just stay close to everyone.

This is the weekend of weekends at work. I am looking forward to the craziness. I am a little worried that our manager will be exhausting and frantic, but overall it should be fun.Continue Reading