2008

Christmas is starting to get further and further behind us. It all just rushed by too quickly this year. I normally don’t care for the holidays, but really felt good about them this year. It felt as though I had found a place I really belonged. I’m relieved to have found people I am that comfortable around and who seemed just as happy to include me in their plans. I could not have been blessed with better friends.

It has been a good year. I have a terrific job, amazing friends, & life seems generally great. I cannot hope for much more from 2009. I’m looking forward to finding out what this year will be all about.

I try not to make any resolutions, so I will continue resisting. Six months from now I may find that I stopped or started something very near the beginning of the year. That happened when I stopped eating meat (2007) and when I stopped using plastic bags (2008). I wonder who I’ll be during the year I turn 30.

And now, some dreadful poetry.

New

The ends are beginning
arbitrary moments in time —
halts

reflection washes over the dissatisfied
resolve replacing regret as a new chapter is written
in a life not quite lived, but often contemplated

Time does not pause
does not wait for understanding
does not wait for readiness
does not cooperate
does not expect us to be someone new

12.31.2008

Yep, that was horrible! I guess they can’t all be amazing.

I’m really looking forward to starting the business I want to start. I need to save some money first though. I think an online retail business is something I am very capable of doing though. For now, etsy will have to be my outlet for that. It has been fun creating some things just for the shop. I am itching to get into buying wholesale papercrafting supplies and selling them though. It’ll happen.

I’ve been pretty homesick for my family in Oklahoma. Fortunately, I’ve been able to surround myself with love, which has helped. I still am anxious to get home for a visit, but listlessness does nothing for me. I’d rather feel whole and visit because I want to, not because I have to. July seems so far away though.

I hope the holidays are treating everyone as well as they have been treating me.

Family — So many people I know have strained relationships — or no relationship at all — with their families. I am so lucky to have parents who have become friends over time. And my brothers are some of the best people I’ve come across in life. I’d want all four members of my immediate family in my life even if I wasn’t related to them. They remain my only regret in moving to Alaska. I wish I could see them more than I do, but cherish even more strongly those times I do get to spend with them.

Alaskans — As lucky as I was to get such amazing parents and brothers, I never thought I would be as lucky in my life again. I’ve always resigned myself to the notion that friends come into and drift from your life with great fluidity. That is why I love people with such ferocity when they are in my life — I know it will not last. However, the group of people who have found a way to let me into their lives here in Alaska are the ones I don’t accept a temporary friendship with. David, Daniel, & Denis feel like family in a way few of my friends have in my life. All three make me feel safe in unique ways. I am so thankful for them. And I’m trying my hardest to not hold on too tightly.

Oklahoma — I needed to leave to appreciate it. I think it is true that every place has a unique sense of itself and I’m quite content to be from Oklahoma. I wouldn’t want to be from anywhere else.

Books — I up and left a better paying job with more obvious room for growth to work in a bookstore again. I simply need to be around books. I enjoy my job at Title Wave Books in Anchorage for a lot of reasons. None of those reasons are because it isn’t Barnes & Noble, which I still miss, or Borders, which I still miss. To me, it isn’t about a place being corporate or independent. It isn’t about what the store looks like. It is the books themselves and the life they give the place.

Old Friends — As people have drifted out of my life, some have not drifted away from me, but towards new lives for themselves. Those people have remained an important part of my life. Sometimes I find it hard to remember that I am loved; these people have reminded me in some way. I appreciate them so much.

Animals — We aren’t here on this planet alone. There are so many beautiful creatures we are blessed to share our world with. My life is enriched with both cats and dogs, whose sense of themselves makes me wonder how animal intelligence can be disregarded. I am thankful that I share my planet — my home — with hoofed, clawed, feathered, & furry individuals.

Shopping — I am a consumer. I love to find things that are beautiful to add to my home, even at the expense of being responsible.

Have a happy Thanksgiving.

SaveSave

I had a series of dreams that were extremely vivid last night. In one, I was watching as two young guys destroyed an ancient monument of some significance. I was some distance back recording the whole thing. Another man came up to me, excited that I had caught them, but encouraged me to get out before they say me. We made our way through the forest we were in until the helpful man tried to kill me. I picked up a large stick and stabbed him. He pretended to die, but I couldn’t get myself to stab him again, so I left. I watched him get up and run the other way… and then I woke up.

In another, similarly disturbing one, I was in a house with a woman who I lived with. We were the only ones capable of summoning a guy who would certainly kill. She left it to me, fearing that there were people about to discover that we had the incantation, but knowing that if there was only one of us that they couldn’t kill one. She gave me a flashlight and the book containing the incantation and told me that when the time was right, I would know what to do. After many threats and negotiations with those who’d broken into the house, I said the incantation, resurrecting the killer. And then I stared at the flashlight, wondering when the “right time” would come. And then I woke up.

I the last one, I went to work on what seemed like a normal day. Most people were on bike, but I made my way to one of the few car spaces and parked my car in a device that dangled it over the edge of a cliff to keep it safe. I went to punch in under a large tent, full to capacity with all sorts of people. A woman came up and asked for help getting a few things while I was getting ready for my day in the back of the tent. The other employees just raised their eyebrows at her and went back to socializing. I apologized for them and offered to help her. She gave me a list and told me the things were just too high to reach. Still outside, we made our way through a bustling world of an outdoor fair of some sort, down a path and towards the items she wanted, high up in a tent on the far side of the many acres. On the way I remarked that he charcoal sequined dress was the most perfect dress for her, but did not mention the bright orange sneakers she’d chosen to pair with them. A trio of ladies tried to get me to help them, but I told them I was helping someone else and to sit tight and someone would be by. The chose to follow us instead. Somehow, I lost the lady I was helping and the other three. I did find one of my managers who remarked at what a successful Oktoberfest this was. And it was. Everyone was happy and enjoying themselves. The fun was organic; very little structure disrupted people’s enjoyment. I made my way up steep rocks, where I thought to myself that going to the gym and running around the rainforest before work were probably not my best ideas. And then I woke up.

What does it all mean… and why did I remember these dreams?

I’m afraid of death.

I’m more afraid of not living forever.

Kisses.