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Alexander Supertramp

I finally finished reading Brendan Wolf by Brian Malloy. I didn’t throw it across the breakroom like I wanted to either. It frustrated me, but the events that upset me were ones that were obvious from the beginning. I think it was worth my investing in the lives of these characters though.

Throughout the book there are references to Alexander Supertramp, the name Christopher McCandless gave himself while traveling around the country. Alexander Supertramp died in Denali of starvation in 1992.

Brendan Wolf has assumed this name and his real name isn’t revealed until the end of the book. He is hopelessly obsessed with Alexander and the books Alexander loved. He reads them — devours them — over and over.

The plot of the book is a scheme hatched up by his brother and sister-in-law. The plan is to steal money from a donation truck during the March For the Unborn, an anti-abortion rally. Brendan has to become a trusted member of the group in charge of the rally, Babies First, and get a spot as a driver during the rally. Meanwhile, his personal life has started to get in the way. He ends up living with Marv, an older man who Brendan has refused to sleep with, but who had a stroke during an argument about a living arangement. Brendan feels guilty and takes care of Marv when he is released to his home. He is also falling in love with Sean, a hopeless romantic who only knows Brendan by the name Pierre Bezukhov.

This is an amusing read, but one that begs for a sequel. I want to know more about these characters.Continue Reading

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I live alone again. I’m trying to be okay with that and think I am coming to terms with it. David was right. This is better for both of us, but that isn’t the point. I miss him. I miss Jo-da. I miss the sounds of another person in the house. But everything will be fine.

I moved into David’s old apartment. It is a large space and suits me well. The neighborhood is a bit too quiet, but the neighbors aren’t overly inquisitive, which is nice. I hate feeling watched.

Work has been irritating. It has seemed much busier than it has been and I feel like I am constantly behind. Welcome to the holiday shopping season!

Heather got moved too. I feel bad for abandoning her and finding my own place, but she has been really nice about it. That almost makes me feel worse about it though. She has found a place to stay — with some of my favorite people in Anchorage. Things are going to work out for her.

Life feels right at the moment. I’m really trying to stay in the moment and not focus too much in either direction — past or future. Being as here as I can be is good. Being happy with myself is my only goal and I am getting there… slowly, but surely.

I really miss my family right now. The next few months will be rough without a visit. And I need to call Brandy, who came to visit me and has yet to hear from me. I have too much to do.

I haven’t found my France journal yet. I was in the middle of putting it on here and misplaced it during my move to David’s. I will try to locate that this week and resume writing about my experiences. I wanted to be done with that by the end of this year.

If anyone has any great ideas for what I could do with my other website, let me know.Continue Reading

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{aka the eve of travis’ birth}

Happy day to all. This is a day to celebrate those who have died… not to mourn them. Enjoy the day and do something that reminds you of someone you’ve lost. It’ll be good for you. I’m thinking about JoBeth’s sweaters today. They still make me smile.

I’m moving again soon. This time, it will increase my online time rather than decrease it. I’m not sure when it is supposed to happen, but this month. I’ll send a round of cards to let everyone know where they can find me. I know that stalking me is hard when I move this much, but I promise to keep you in the loop.

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I feel like a little kid who threw a fit last night. Honestly, that wasn’t my intention. I was frustrated, angry, and sad. I couldn’t shake it and felt like I was about to cry in the living room. That would have been embarrassing since Jeff was over and he and David (well… and I) were watching a movie. I got up and went down stairs and didn’t return. I don’t really know what happened either. Or I do. I ended up turning up some music too loud so the world would melt away. When I had calmed myself sufficiently, I went to bed. I didn’t hear from David, but I can see how it would look for him. I doubt he noticed all that much actually. Being alone is suddenly hard, despite my 28 years of experience. Having other people flaunt their happiness in front of me is frustrating.

This morning I feel fine. No lingering resentment. I think I must have just been too tired to deal with things. And I felt like I was intruding on their evening, even though I had been invited to be there with them to watch the movie.

I don’t really know what all of this means… if anything at all.

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Two days ago — on the eve of my mom’s birthday — I had a very long conversation with her. I was only recently able to have my phone turned back on and wanted to call and talk since it had been so long. It was a weird conversation, but one that reminded me of just how like my parents I am. The things I say, the way I phrase things, those quirks that tend to throw other people off go unnoticed to them. They get me because I am a product of them. I need to be reminded of that from time to time.

We discussed relationships and how my parents’ is one I use as a model for how people should interact with each other. They have an effortless marriage, carrying on their own lives, having their own friends, but wanting to share those lives with one another at the end of the day. They are inspirational.

Somehow, the conversation turned to me. Mom has never verbalized her acceptance of me being gay. I suspected that she had moved on and was less upset about it, but didn’t have anything to base that on. I do now. She choked herself up, assuring me that she understands me and accepts me. She gave a few examples of how this had caused her some pain — not because she didn’t accept it, but because she does and realizes how others view gay people, specifically in her church group.

I certainly wouldn’t have wished for my mom to know that part of it, but I am comforted that she is more aware of what life can be like for me. She said she loves my life because it is real… and that is true. I can be very real sometimes. I’ve grown so numb to the snickers and looks of disgust that I hardly notice them anymore. Honestly, they aren’t even that common, but it doesn’t phase me when those things do happen.

Finally, she let me know that I can share that part of my life with her. I think I really needed permission for that. Not that I have a love life to share, but now that I know that I can tell my family and they will be supportive rather than dismissive, I think my search might get easier. I guess I have been scared of dating, but I haven’t really been willing to admit it. Now what? 28 is a tough year to get out there. It is hard to find someone when I am so clueless about how to talk to guys or how to date… or any of it. I need help!

Something is in the air this year. My life is morphing and I really like where it is going. I really hope that good things result. I know my financial life will catch up eventually, so I have decided to stop worrying so much about it. Life seems pretty good right now.Continue Reading

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I was about to go to bed when I decided to check my e-mail. To my surprise, I had a comment on my site (this one). Those comments are fairly rare. I was delighted to see that the comment was from a familiar name too: Jerry. My mind started racing about the possibilities of this being the Jerry I knew from so long ago. I hoped, but doubted that it would be as I opened up the message. The tone was telling.

I was instantly glued to my computer, thoughts of doing other things long forgotten as I pieced together the events (in my head) that might lead the fairly aloof Jerry to actually seek me out after over a year of no contact at all. Mind you, this is not that unusual for him, but what struck me was how different this was. It had moved beyond the casual keeping tabs and into a more obvious longing to reconnect — really reconnect. Of course, I had time to get through only a sentence or two before I received an IM.

It was Jerry. Stunned, I barely knew how to exist in the moment and we shared with each other the contents of our hearts. It was one of the easiest and more genuine conversations I have had in recent years. In the span of only a few minutes, years of bitterness were replaced by the happiest memories from my adult life.

Those days, nearly ten years ago, were magical. They were full of life and possibility and of Jerry. It was a time when I was discovering what it was to be myself. It was a time when the financial concerns always took a backseat to the emotional concerns. It was the beginning. I miss it.

Life has marched forward, despite everyone’s best efforts to keep it from doing so. The paths of friends, including Jerry’s, have not been the same as mine and keeping up had been fairly passive of both of us. Being aware of a new address hardly holds to the magic of such youthful times.

I feel like a piece of me has been put back in place. Like a portion of my soul that had been missing was at last found and given back to me. I feel more whole than I have in a while. I can’t wait to see what levels of self-discovery come from this.Continue Reading

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Last Thursday, David Eugene turned 37. He might threaten bodily harm for revealing that, but it is not a secret. I think that is a really nice age to be. I hope I agree with that statement when I turn 37, but it seems a nice age to me at the moment. I’ve felt rather uncomfortable in my 20’s. I think I have really been waiting to age — like some sort of fruit that needs to ripen to be appreciated. My skin just has felt wrong. Don’t get me wrong now; basically, I have been content with my life, even finding moments of great pleasure in these past 8 years. It just doesn’t feel right yet. I’m sorry that David feels older than he’d like to be. For his birthday, we worked a very long day and then went to Gallo’s for a little merriment. Pictured are Sherri, me, David, & one of the Donnas. Donna’s daughter and a friend were also there. I love small crowds of interesting people. If we didn’t have to get up so early the next morning, that night could have gone on for hours.

Man, I have been so sick lately. I woke up Sunday feeling horrible. It has slowly gotten better, but I have had a sore throat, fever, headache, and I have been exhausted. I barely moved from bed for 2 days (and by bed I mean couch).

untitled (‘evil’)

Perhaps we expect too much of the dead
assuming their now saintly statuses —
dooming former loved ones to watch us

The cats are restless
stirring as they do when I need
to be lost in thought
They are minions sent to keep
me from discovering my true self
sent to distract me from revealing
the mysteries in my soul

They will fail

Is all of existence a vessel of evil?
Maybe it is just me, here, now
that needs to know that evil exists
Only this can prove the presence of good
and that life is meaningful

I want to know everything

I’m worried about my dead friends
and somehow upset that others have left me
rather than just dying
At least death cannot be my fault
It is easier than accepting
that I am not always enough

8.17.2006 / 10.10.2007

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