August was rough. I hope September is better.
I want to do some basic bookmaking. I was thinking a journal or small scrapbook type. The stitching looks confusing, but all the sites I’ve looked at claim it is easier than it seems to be.
I’m looking forward to the cold again. The air has been hinting at fall here.
a story with no moral
for the sparrows in my life
Once upon a time, there were four little sparrows. Each of them had become lost, so they gave up their quests to find home and found one another. And they were very happy. They’d play together high in the trees, chirping contently. They’d eat with each other, sharing whatever they had when one of the others didn’t have enough. And they’d relax as a group, enjoying the company of friends after a long day. Two and Four were particularly close and shared a nest. These little sparrows would perform synchronized tricks in the air and had become so much as one that the other two didn’t even think of them as separate anymore. But one day, Two chirped angrily at Four, shooing his from his home. Four became so sad that One puffed out his chest and came to his aid, but that only made things worse. Two still had feelings and now they were hurt. He left his own nest reluctantly. One was hurt that Two had left, but Four was still sad and One felt his duty was to stick by his side. Through all of this, Three sat dumbstruck in his own home, waiting for the anger to pass. He didn’t want to see any of his friends sad, but he was powerless to do anything. Broken and lost, Two took shelter at Three’s house until he made a new nest for himself. One and Four had trouble understanding, but Three hoped they’d know he would still remain friends with them too.
I’m over being cranky. It was a rather long day yesterday and I’ve decided to just move on. I turned 30 this morning, rolling around half awake in bed. I hear from so many that this is when life gets good; I hope that is true. I really do believe it too.
It seems that people do a lot of reflection on their lives at these milestones. I’ve done none of that. Perhaps I will eventually.
Today is nice. It is rainy, in the 50s, and largely uneventful. Thanks you to those who sent me birthday wishes. I appreciate it.
I kinda wanted the world to care about my birthday. But apparently, I’m not even allowed to be selfish for that. I’m sure this is teaching me some sort of life lesson, but I don’t care honestly. I’m turning 30 and can’t get anyone to notice. My parents will call. A few friends will probably call, but I’m being hugely reminded that I am only ever at the back of people’s minds.
And I’m tired of throwing parties for myself… even if it is the only way to get the people I love together.
I’m cranky.
Yep, I’m rather sad this week. I wish the crap would hold so I could celebrate turning 30. Did you catch that Life? Let me be happy for a least a week longer. It is probably just me coming off the high of having been on vacation. Or maybe not. Whatever it is, I don’t care for it.
Hugs. Big giant hugs to those in need of big giant hugs. I love you and I’m praying for things to work out.
Happier thoughts when my weekend starts.
I met new people and got to spend time with some of my favorites on my vacation this year. If I had to list all the people I love in the world, the list would be as thick as a phone book. Here are some highlights based on my trip back home.
Mom: Tied with my dad as my all time favorite people, I miss her a lot. It makes me sad when I have to go home because I can see how much it hurts her. I don’t want to be the one who causes hurt, but I love my life. I hope she knows how much I love her. One day, she’ll visit Alaska and stay with me. That is going to be so much fun.
Dad: When do parents become friends. I don’t remember that transition as a markable event. I’m glad it has happened though. I think it incredibly important to become friends with your parents. My dad is one of my best. I worry about him, I worry about becoming him, and I worry that I’ll never become him enough. It’s weird.
Annie: What a gorgeous and kind lady she has become. I suppose I always knew that she was on that path; it hardly surprised me. I don’t know what I did to deserve such an amazing member of my family.
Opie: Annie’s older brother is also becoming an incredible person. His path has seemed a bit rockier, but he will get there and sooner than we all thought. I was delighted by him. He will achieve such greatness without any effort.
Stan: Good people come from good parents. Opie and Annie really reflect the best qualities of my uncle. There have been issues. There are still issues, but he is trying. He is a good man and I know that he is capable of anything. His generosity was remarkable during my time down. One day we’ll see the darkest parts as a distant memory that doesn’t seem so real. I may never see eye to eye with him on everything, but I will always feel strongly connected to him.
Michael: Oh, Uncle Mikey! Thank you for putting up with Stan! I’m so happy to know you and appreciate everything you do. You’ve brought out the best in Stan and really made me want to find the love you two have. Thank you for being so awesome.
Brent & Bradley: My brothers. God never gives us more than we can handle. I believe that, but if it makes you feel better you can always rephrase it. We are capable of anything. ANYTHING! I am so blessed to have two wonderful people as brothers. There are issues to sort out. Anger to smooth down into peace, but it isn’t impossible. These struggles will only turn good people into great people, shape them into who they’ve always been, but even better. I want so badly for richly fulfilled lives for both Brent and Brad.
Conner, KC, Jason, Avery: These kids are going to be awesome adults. I hate being so far away while they grow up. If I can’t connect with them right now, one day I hope we can be as close as I am with Stan, my uncle.
David & Daniel: It’s sappy. I realize how silly it seems! But it is no less true. I really missed these guys while I was Outside. My words are not enough to express how much I love them.
Christine: It is wrong that I see you as a sort of Vaudeville performer… a sort of Jack of all trades performance artist whose next show will surprise and dazzle the astonished onlookers? If you want to be Winnie the Pooh, then live that dream. So few people seek it out and do it. You’ve got the balls to do what you want with your life and you’ve found your perfect other half to create that life with. Nothing is never going to be boring for you and I envy that.
Jay Brannan: I got to meet one of my favorite musical artists. It was surreal. I remember that evening like I was surrounded by a paralyzing fog. I’ve been trying to sort out if it actually happened or not, but the photos make me think it might really have. I was blown away by his concert, his beauty, and his personality.
I’m home from my vacation, which would normally require a “finally.” This time is different though. Finally doesn’t fit. It isn’t that I don’t want to be here; I love my home and my life here. It seems natural to be here and nothing about my vacation requires rest to get over. I just felt so much a part of what was going on in my family. The drama of individual lives was going on around us and yet we still seemed held together — a family. Maybe that requires age, maybe it requires distance. Something just felt magical about my visit. Something I cannot quite put into words.
My vacation was timed to coincide with my cousin’s wedding — a favorite cousin, a friend, a remarkable person whose love is one of joy that can make your heart skip a beat. I could not have stood to not be there for her on such a special day. Her husband, I’ve discovered is so perfect for her. The half she had been missing. What Becky wanted for her wedding was a feeling of family. My branch of the family brought our unique gifts. My older brother, a professional photographer, did what he does best. My younger brother took care of the candid shots, the “real life” shots. He perhaps represented us more than anyone else, being able to sit and visit through much of the reception. My parents and I were the reception, my mom specifically coordinating people and my dad coordinating food and decor. I kept with them, fixing the cake after it had been smashed a bit in the car. It was to be all white with flowers on top, but I wreathed the lowest level in fresh red roses and strawberries, making sure to place a rose in each thumb print left by another person trying to push the cake back into position. It turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself. I also worked as my dad’s staff, putting trays of food where he said, moving crockpots to where he said to move them, retrieving what needed to be retrieved. While my dad and I had so much work to do that we didn’t get to see the ceremony, it feels worth it to me. I enjoyed the day greatly. There were a lot of people involved beyond us. I didn’t know many of these people and didn’t really have time to get to know them, but it was evident that family was the most important part of her day. That night, we slept very well.