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Okie Dokie

We were so young
our crayon-drawn dreams
still hung on refrigerators
My eyes were bright then
my mind full of possibility
We encouraged each other
skipping toward happy futures
we never considered not reaching
I got stuck in moments of youth
flailing my arms and hollering out
for them to turn around
and pull me along
Alrighty-roo, kangaroo
they’d say, but they didn’t stop

Jeff wrote books to impress Molly
Molly baked cakes to impress Jeff
together they placed a star in the sky
for me to look at and be impressed
I was
I tugged at my legs
eager to join the fun
but my legs never move
when I need them
I took out binoculars
looked into the distance at my friends
awards now pinned to their chests
and medals hung around their necks
I wanted awards
I pulled out a bullhorn
called on them to stop
to share the awards with me
and show me the shiny medals
Yipper-skipper, li’l dipper
they’d say, but they didn’t stop

The sky ahead filled with stars
and I was truly impressed
They were meandering and singing
One sang his songs in French
hanging his fancy French star in the sky
It was fancy and impressive and French
Others sang songs about babies
those songs always out of tune
My friends became tiny specks
in the distance, no larger than the stars
songs fading as they went
I was impressed by how far ahead they were
and I stopped struggling
with no chance to catch up
When I had stopped, my feet could finally move
I finally ran forward in the direction of my friends
So, okie dokie, artichokie
I’ll say and I won’t stop

I’ll go read poems by Jennie Lloyd
or some rather poetic obituaries
and I’ll think about the faces
I’ve left in the past
left stuck in the moments of their youth
And maybe Jennie will notice
and show me the path she traveled
warn me about the potholes
She sing me her own song and I’ll love them
humming those songs to myself years later
Maybe I’ll catch up to friends I’ve forgotten
or meet new friends on the path
who have been running toward dreams
we can share with each other
dreams still written on treasured papers
in crayon on refrigerators
I’ll be sure to place my own star in the sky
a bright light to impress the ones still stuck
and when I’m just a speck in the distance
all I’ll think about how all the boys
who never kissed me

Notes

Written 17 September 2019 in Payne County, Oklahoma

Brian Fuchs, “Okie Dokie” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)

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A Boy from Albuquerque

for Kami

Write me letters on that old Olivetti
and we’ll pretend things are the same as the used to be.
I’m listening to those bands again,
Caroline’s Spine and Alice in Chains.
They are pretending too, and I feel young again.
You’ve been in Idaho for too long, or is it Italy?
I can never remember, but I knew it is far from me.
I’m carrying you with me, folded up and tucked away.
So, tell me about your family and about the boys you’ve kissed.
And I’ll send you a sketch of a flower I found growing in my yard.
We’ll feel carefree and lovely,
and for a moment we will be together again.

Written 12 September 2019 in Payne County, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “A Boy from Albuquerque” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)

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Pieces of Dissected Butterflies

I left Tulsa when my friends had died
and we were all set adrift, angry and lost,
wondering if staying meant more of us would die.
I tried to go to Dallas, to a life I wanted.
They boys swarm thickly there,
and I still wonder if my days would have been
spent in the beds of strangers if I’d gone there.
I’ve always longed for the beds of strangers,
to feel taken for granted and awkward.

In moving, I detoured, finding myself in Anchorage,
near the place where my dad spent his youth,
carried on winds I rode for too long, or just long enough.
I was not qualified for life in Alaska,
not qualified for the men who had gone there.
But I was determined to find myself,
or to find Dad in the places where his friends still lived.
His youth was left in an Alaska that no longer exists,
so my mind found new reasons to keep me there.

I found the spaces I understood,
the pockets of the city that seemed familiar,
bookstores filled with other refugees,
of lives that had started to drift.
My mind invented the things I didn’t know
and the people around me became gods.
I didn’t question that, and I formed a religion.
Their lives were spent being perfect
in ways I could never spend my own life.
They are still gods; I pray to them in darkness,
my soul crying out to be acknowledged.

On cold mornings, I liked to price books,
scanning their barcodes and attaching a sticker.
I would think about my friends,
wonder about the shapes of their bodies,
and worry that they could hear my thoughts.
I’d worry that I was saying the thoughts aloud,
and I’d wait for Kevin to go upstairs to inject his insulin
so I could stop thinking about his waist.
I’m still thinking about his waist.
The decade I’ve had to reflect has made me more curious
and sometimes I worry that he can still hear my thoughts.

I have been dissecting butterflies,
stained glass wings pulled apart
by unwieldy spinning steel fingers
as I think about beauty and conformity,
praying to my gods, mindlessly offering
the insects as a tribute.
I didn’t intend this massacre
and in the lawn lie the tiny lifeless parts.
In the hot sun of the places of my youth,
I don’t have new shapes to fill my mind,
new boys to think about.
I dwell on the boys of my past.

I’m reaching back, feeling myself grasping
for people I can’t always recognize,
the names apparitions in my mind.
Some of the gods’ faces have merged & morphed.
I’m taking the ones I wanted the most,
or the ones I wanted to be the most,
and placing their pieces where I can sort them
and try to hold onto them in my mind.
I’m still thinking about waists and hips and shoulders,
still wondering about the firmness of skin.

They haven’t seen me wondering,
their lives have pulled them toward much happier places,
some growing beautifully in Alaska,
others found scattered by the winds
that had first deposited them near me.
The butterflies are whispering secrets,
understandably warning each other about me.
In new cities and states, in their new lives,
they think about the times we spent together
and I go on thinking about their bodies.

Notes

Written 12 September 2019 in Payne County, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “Pieces of Dissected Butterflies” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)Continue Reading

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The Ravens Became Crows

I stood two feet away, a witness to the moment
when Alaska started to fade away,
revealing the familiar loneliness of Iowa.
I stood close enough to touch her,
unable to find my arms, unable to find words.
I looked at the harsh black words,
old marker on a scrap of paper, trash.
MY DAD IS DYING
I stood, paralyzed, my body slipping further away,
unable to clear the tears from her eyes,
unable to pull time back and change these events.
She looked at me, and in her eyes I could see
her snow melting, revealing fields of corn.
I could see her ravens becoming crows,
and we shared a silent moment,
knew everything would change.
I stood still for what must have been days,
and when I finally moved my feet, Lisa was gone.

Notes

Written 7 September 2019 in Payne County, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “The Ravens Became Crows” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)

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The Rain

I’m still waiting outside for rain,
hoping for sudden downpours from cloudless skies.
I’m wondering if she’ll join me when the first drops
start to fall and the birds fall silent.
She’s been delayed, I’ve told myself again,
or the rain hasn’t been enough.
It has never been enough
I’ve summoned more and more rain,
for over a year I’ve coaxed it from the air,
the ground sometimes swelling, saturated and marshy.

Brush Creek has filled to overflowing,
washing out parts of the road and clearing out
the debris of our distractions.
It has not been enough.
The Cimarron & Arkansas Rivers have been flooded,
swallowing homes and memories,
lives lost and inconvenienced.
Still she has not arrived.
I continue my incantations, calling for more clouds,
more rain — great hurricanes that try to find me,
creeping along the coasts, tied to the oceans.
Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, The Bahamas, Puerto Rico,
they may all need to be sacrificed in my efforts,
and it will be worth the loss because I will
no longer feel like I am alone.
I am listening for those first signs, the drips on the tin roof
and I am ready to throw open the windows,
clench my fists, and try to push my dreams into reality.
I know she will join me if I keep trying,
and we will sit together on the covered porch,
resuming what should still be.

Notes

Written 5 September 2019 in Payne County, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “The Rain” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)Continue Reading