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Lori:

I do not hate Lori, but I get the feeling that she always thinks that lately. Now, I am sure she knows I don’t really, but I want her to know that I care about her a great deal. It is rather exhausting defending your feelings about someone all the time, which is why I haven’t. It is all okay. I appreciate you. Thanks for keeping an eye on my while I was sick last week.

Weird:

Some things in my life seem weird right now. In particular, my relationship with each of my friends. It all seems messy… if that makes sense.

Jess and I decided to watch movies at Lori’s while she is in Houston. Really, my DVD player is still over there… We also discussed the possibility of carving pumpkins, but I think we reached a consensus that pumpkin carving is not an acceptable activity in someone else’s house. Oh well… Maybe some other time. Speaking of movies, I think I want to see i huckabees.

I realized that Justin leaving may have triggered feelings of breaking up with someone. Maybe that is what happened to my libido, but I simply haven’t cared about sex lately. Justin and I weren’t a couple, but I miss him terribly. I know he and Patrick are very happy though.

Lori is going to be in Houston this week, as I mentioned previously. To her dismay in reading this, this break from constantly seeing her has been nice. I have no specific problem with Lori, but I was too comfortable. I don’t like routine and it had become one. I think I need time to myself much more often than people realize. And they don’t realize what that really means either. Lori, you know I love you…. but I realize you will take this too personally.

Being Alone:

I cannot express how much I value privacy. Often I am seen as secretive or sneaky, but really I just like to keep to myself. My privacy means that I have the right to not answer the phone or want friends to come over. And that is okay. Although I appreciate genuine concern about my well-being when it is warranted, frantic worrying about me just bugs me. If I don’t answer the phone, call someone else. If there is cause for concern, by all means check to make sure I haven’t died. However, I am not obligated to come in contact with somebody every single day. In fact, on days that I want to be alone, stopping by to make sure I am alive kills the day. I want to wake up and fall asleep on that day, having seen nobody. Having talked to nobody. Having spent the day doing Brian things.

Hurt:

My feelings were hurt. I mention it because it happens so infrequently. The person involved here will think that I hate them somehow, but I do not. I was with a friend at a store. I was mentally planning out some Christmas gifts that I could make, picking out fabrics and having them cut when my friend starts in on the fact that I buy fabric and never do anything with it. “I have never even seen you use your sewing machine… and you never buy enough to do anything with… ” I was offended. I think there are some issues here. First, my money and my buying habits are my business and go back to privacy. Secondly, no one wants to hear what a fuck-up they are in any area of life. Mind you, this friend is not the only one to do this to me. Why do people feel a need to cut me down? Am I doing something to them that I don’t realize I am doing?

Justin Things:

I was going through some stuff in my bedroom closet when I ran across some stuff Justin had given me. My favorite is a cheesy picture of a rose… the whole things looks a little WT, but the saying on it makes me cry every time I read it.

I LOVE YOU

You see me as I wish I were.

You hear what I really mean,

And not only what I say;

You always know how I feel.

You help me be a better person.

Bradley Tyler

It is overly sentimental, but it really
made me realize that Justin understood me and why I tried so hard to make his life better. I want so much for him and I am glad that he is happy… finally. I also ran across some of his paintings, which I need to see if he wants. I love them. He painted his emotions… the way people appear in his head. They are all blob heads with sharp teeth. They make me sad because I know they are from years of pain, but they are one of the most honest things in Justin’s life.

Prayers:

Meghan’s mom, Ren’s sister and two nieces.

Also, Lori who is traveling to Houston and John who is traveling out of Houston.Continue Reading

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I started taking penicillin for a tooth infection Monday after seeing the dentist. By Tuesday morning I was feeling quite sick.  By Tuesday afternoon I was in bed where I would stay for the next 27 hours. I was very ill. I still don’t feel great, but I am still taking the antibiotic from hell and have forced myself to eat. Unfortunately, none of my side effects call for stopping the use of the drug. Blah. I guess I will be happy once the tooth is gone and the pain from that has been relieved. For now I am just happy to not be in bed.Continue Reading

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🎂 Happy birthday to my mom!!!

Yesterday:
I spent the day playing with Conner & KC. My brothers and I were taken to see the land my parents just purchased. I really liked it because it is quite large and surrounded by trees. They are planning a house, garden, lake… it all sounds great. My family is really not a city one. Our tendancy towards farms makes this location great. It is secluded, while not being too far from the turnpike or town. I also watched some TV with my parents. That was after Conner went home and KC went to bed.

Today:
I woke up really early (6:20) and went to the dentist. After messing around in my mouth for a while, it was decided that the tooth really should come out… I already knew that and had made that clear. However, because of the severity of the infection I must wait a week. Blah. He was surprised that I didn’t end up in the hospital and I guess I feel lucky for that. The rest of the day was lazy. I was in pain from all the messing with my tooth, so I slept a little. We then watched Dr Phil and I finally left. I just wanted to be at home with my bed and my shower and my stuff.

Tomorrow:
I have to go in really early tomorrow… 7:00. At least I won’t be drugged up like I will be next week. I feel like I never get any rest anymore. Maybe I will just have to sleep tomorrow evening. Blah blah blah.Continue Reading

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Book(s):
I got and plan on starting Closet Case by Robert Rodi. I am interested in all of his books, but that one really sounded like the best. I really need to read more, but I need to get new glasses. I can barely see. It makes it frustrating to try and read anything.

Friends:
I love friends. Justin came over and watched Clash Of The Titans with me the other day. I think I am officially over that movie. Once upon a time I loved it, but I guess I have moved on with my life. Anyway, we later went to Wal-Mart, where we both had to pick up copies of The Day After Tomorrow, which we thought got a bad rap just because the wolves looked ridiculously fake. It was good for what it was and that is all it should be judged on. It was great formula disaster, better than made for TV, but certainly not the best of its kind. I dropped him off at his house and he went in to get my DVDs I had loaned him and Patrick. When he returned, he had a snapdragon in a starter pot, which he offered me. It was weird and a little funny. I took it and when I returned home I planned on giving it to Lori. As I walked by her house, her living room light went out so I quickly ran up and knocked on the door… no answer. So I unlocked the door and sat the plant in an obvious place and left. I am tired of giving people gifts. They appreciate them, but I don’t necessarily want them to. I am turning into my dad, giving things away all the time. It is exhausting when you are at any store and everything reminds you of someone you know. I should just not buy!!!

Shauna (ex roommate), Nathan (her kid), and Bryce (her brother) came into the store on Friday. It was nice to see them. It had been a very long time. I really miss James (Shauna’s husband) though. I really connected well with him when I lived with them, but haven’t seen him in a long time and I miss him. He is very much a homebody, not even wanting to venture beyond his house for long, so it is hard to see him without going over there. I should just go.

Haven’t seen Jess in a while, but I am sure work is keeping her busy lately.

Birthdays:
KC had her 1st birthday Friday. Meghan shared the day as her 21st. Franz, my cat, shared the same day as his 3rd. Mom’s birthday is tomorrow. I will be in Stillwater later today to celebrate. Brent and Laurisa (my brother and sister-in-law) will be in town too. I hardly ever see them now that they live an hour in the other direction of my parents. I also haven’t seen Jason since he was born. It will be a fun day. I hope if I take a movie my mom and I will be able to watch it in peace at some point. No more birthdays until November after this one.

Health:
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. I am one of those dentist fearing people. I don’t really understand it, but I just don’t really like going. I have an abscess so I hope that I will have a tooth removed. It really needs to go. I hate that such a small thing can impact my overall sense of well being. It makes me feel sick all over!!!

Observation I made at work: Our inability to keep paper from cutting our skin is the dumbest thing ever. God seriously needs to rethink that whole thing. I was ringing someone up and the cover on the book he was buying sliced very easily into my finger… ouch!!!

Work:
Things seem to be getting much better. It is great to have employees who support me. I am impressed with everyone in my department at the moment and it really feels great. They are the best!!! I again enjoy my job and I am grateful for that.

Audacity: We have a man who keeps coming in the store and harassing a certain person in my department. He started out as a shoplifter, but has recently started only coming in to just show that we as a store do not scare him. Although he does not have the opportunity to steal, he does have an opportunity to make people uncomfortable. It is to the point that I wish I didn’t have to schedule certain people alone, but can’t penalize them for the actions of one asshole. I am just venting as I can see no way to get rid of him. Our store is willing to call the police on him, but he flees before it ever gets to that. It is aggravating.Continue Reading

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Wednesday
Stayed up too late and then slept most of the day away. I had some fantastic dreams, but all I can remember is that they were great. I have no details left from them. Oh well. I guess I wouldn’t have done anything productive with my day anyhow, so the oversleeping doesn’t matter.

Family:
Mom called last night in between movies. There is a lot going on. My parents bought 20 acres of land, my dad was offered a job, KC’s birthday is Friday, Mom’s is Monday, Stan has invited everyone to Dallas for Thanksgiving, which leaves my family to do our own thing in Stillwater. I actually prefer that. I don’t have the time to go to Dallas, so I would have been at home anyway. My parents are living out my dad’s dream of buying land and building a home on it. They plan on keeping 5 of the 20 they got.

Movies:
Lori and I watched Sleepy Hollow, The Blair Witch Project, and Starship Troopers last night. It was insane, but we already planned to watch some more movies tonight. I want to watch Sliding Doors and Used People, so we’ll see if I can get my way on those.Continue Reading

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Happy C******s Day, all!
I am feeling kinda weird today. I spent the day feeling sick because I started eating. I should have done it more gradually, but I rushed into it. Oh well. I was back at work today after a 4 day vacation. It was a little irritating seeing what didn’t get done, but I will just crack the whip this week. I do have a new employee who I work with tomorrow. My department doesn’t have the turn over the rest of the store has so a new person is a big deal. I did discover that the DVD section needs to be further expanded, which is both frustrating and exciting because the section started out so small and has taken over.

Movies:
Lori and I are watching movies again. Sleepy Hollow and Ernest Scared Stupid (unless I can get out of that one somehow). I did see the USA Frankenstein movie last night. It was okay, but I wanted more. It sould have been a mini series instead. They tried to cram too much in. Edit 11:54: We ended up watching Underworld, which Jess had. It was okay. I am not that interested in Vampires and Werewolves, but it was appropriate. I made meatloaf, which took forever to cook (because I turned the heat down instead of up when I need to). I think it made it more moist. It was sooo good. I enjoy throwing stuff together, but I never cook. It was the second time in the three years I have known Lori & Jess that I cooked for them. Not that meatloaf really counts either. It was a good evening.Continue Reading

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Weird Day:
Today has been a little weird, but nice. I got no phone calls and was able to just sleep on and off throughout the day. I watched TV and ordered out. I didn’t even have to leave the house. I started getting frantic phone calls at about 10. Apparently, everyone had been calling all day and my phone wasn’t ringing. I don’t know what was wrong, but after being yelled at by several people, I don’t even care. I think sometimes people can just calm down. Why do my parents suddenly need to hear from me everyday? The assumption that I am dead is irritating, but at the same time I am glad they care. I think they need to relax and let me live my life without being so paranoid all the time. My dad even said tonight “someone could have been dead and buried by now.” Blah. After one or two days, I would hope that they would just drive over if it was so important.

Happier Things:
I have been giving a lot of thought to the changes I want to make in my house. It is very cheery and bright which definitely has its place in my life. It has made me quite happy and hyper at times. However, I am ready for a much more adult look and my yellow and green walls will become light blue. Everyone loves my orange walls, including myself, but I might change them too. I will leave them to see how they look with the blue and if I don’t like it, I will change them to brown. I won’t be losing the punches of color, but that combination may be more soothing for a living room. I really got this plan in my head while coming up with a plan for Travis’ house. My colors are different from the ones used in the guest bedroom plan, but in the same family. I really can’t wait. I would love to do the blue in beadboard, but I am afraid that would cost way too much. Especially since I have the tall walls across from the loft. We’ll see. When I decide to do it, i think I will post before and after pictures on here.

I am excited to do some grocery shopping. I have been reluctant to do any for some time now. I think part of the problem is that I moved after finding a store I really liked and the ones around me aren’t the same. But the store I really like is right next to my work, so there should be no problem in going right after work sometime. And I am one of those strange people who really likes veggies. I need to get some and just make dinner for myself. It has been a long time since I used my kitchen.Continue Reading