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Sex:
I’ve spent several night talking about sex with a friend recently. It made me feel lonely. Sadly, it has been 2 years since I was with anyone. I long for a relationship, but I haven’t been successful at initiating conversation with guys. I feel a bit reserved in that area of my life and want desperately to be the one who approaches others. Anywho…

Family:
I am turning into my parents and it scares me. I was so worried about my mom travelling by herself to North Carolina. I stressed over it until I knew she arrived safely. My dad does the same thing and it drives me insane. I have discussed this subject before, but I just don’t know what to think anymore. …

Robbie Williams:
I was so frustrated trying to order Robbie Williams CDs. Are there only a few released in the US? I absolutely LOVE RW, but I am having to spend way too much on his discs.Continue Reading

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Work:
It all hits the fan in the morning. There are several big things going on tomorrow that will cause chaos and confusion at work, but they will prove good in the near future. Management shake-ups and such. I officially know nothing and must act surprised as each items comes down. Nothing immediately affects me, so I will try to not tense up.

UPDATE: Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Stressful for some, but not as bad as it could have been. (5:57 p.m.)

Family:
My cousin is in town briefly before going back to Harding for summer classes. I feel bad that I haven’t called her (and she has called me), but I feel strange about it. I think that it’s time to let her know that I am gay, but I really fear her reaction. She and I have been close our entire lives and I just don’t know how she’ll react. I hope she knows already. She leaves Thursday. I really have to call and see her at least once. It has been too long.

Friends:
I am an ass. My friends and I were playing Phase 10. I really don’t care who wins, but I play the game. If I win I win, if not so what. Today was horrible though. Jess was so bitter that I was doing well she attempted to sabotage my game. It was so malicious. She lost all signs of having a good time. It isn’t life, it’s a game. I reacted poorly, throwing the game and making some snide remark about the goal of this hand being screwing me over. I felt bad, but it was crazy that a game irritated her so much. We made up after Ray won and all is forgotten.

Self:
I might have a fear of dying.Continue Reading

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I can’t believe it has been so long – 2 years. I am still at Barnes & Noble. I hope to become much more active on this weblog. I find it terribly theraputic. Thanks for reading.

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Family:
This year was supposed to be better. What happened? My other grandma passed away in March and my mother revealed a drinking problem (you may remember my worry about her — she was drunk those times). All in all, it’s been sucky so far this year.

Work:
I was promoted to Music Dep’t Manager @ work. I like it, but I have been a little stressed.

Computers:
I again have an ISP, so I can write here more.Continue Reading

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Family:

I saw a movie with my uncle, which was fun. I rarely see him and I really enjoy him. We saw Riding In Cars With Boys — I liked it. We also went to IHOP, where I had my dinner. He is going to see about selling his condo to me! I hope it works out. I am excited.

My mom’s birthday was on the 18th and I was over the night before to see her. i worry about her. She is ALWAYS sick… she was so sick on her birthday that my dad wouldn’t let me talk to her. Oh well. I want her to go see a doctor. Not that I am any better — I am always sick and was starting to think I may be a hypochondriac for a while… probably not. I’d like to visit home one of these times without mom being sick.

Work:

I have been depressed for a while — my review actually was worse than I had imagined and I did not get my raise… That is why it got postponed so much. My dep’t mgr didn’t want to tell me that I did poorly. Really I know I earned my raise, but I decided to not let it get to me. It’s just $15 extra bucks I would blow anyway. And I think it can be reevaluated in a few months. Nothing to stress too much over. I also decided not to make excuses about it, although no such agreement was made for Xanga. I feel that I may have not done my best in the past year, but I really had a hard year. Starting with Oct 2000: my good friend, Justin (for whom I am a caretaker in many ways), is in and out of mental hospitals following the death of his grandma, who is more like his mother to him, my grandma (“G”) starts to get very sick, severe pains send me to doctor, who does several tests and finds NOTHING wrong, my great grandma (Artie) dies, exactly one week later, G dies, Justin continues in and out of hospitals (not giving me a chance to mourn), I become severley depressed, my dad’s sister and family cut off contact with us because of my dad’s decision to give a fewe pieces of furniture to me and my brothers (being the executor of her estate and having spent 6 months watching her die, he feels justified), Justin moves in, Justin’s great grandma dies, Brad proposes to Janessa, which I cannot tell, my roommates prepare to move after a guy staying with us for a week takes off with their $70, I prepare for Brad & Jess to move in, Jess is now pregnant, Brad & Jess get married, Brad gets a promotion and decides to not move, forcing me to move, my roommates reveal that they are moving because I am impossible to live with, Justin and I move into a small apartment,… and here I am. Never in my life has so much happened in one year.

So at work they moved me to the gift section in an effort to spark interest, not realizing that the deep depression prevents interest of any kind in anything. Oh well… I am excited about the new section though. And I have a new dep’t mgr… May. She is awesome. And I can go back to liking Tim.Continue Reading

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Writing:
Whew, pathetic.org is finally up again, and what a relief that I can finally start to write. It was always a good way to get me writing. I should start here soon. I have so much in my head to get out, what with the attacks, the new baby on the way, my great grandma is now 100! Lots…

Friends:
I talked to my friend Jerry tonight. It had been a couple of months. I feel bad that I don’t call, but he is a difficult person to remain friends with because he doesn’t really try. His friends don’t stick by him long… that makes me quite sad for Jerry. He will find real love some day.Continue Reading

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Money:
I have got to learn how to stop spending — and I thought putting all my money into the bank would help!!!! NO! I can’t figure out how I spend all of my money when my expenses are so low. How? Anyone have good advice for getting out from under paycheck-to-paycheck living?

Family:
I am starting to get excited about my brother’s new baby… I can’t wait. They are expecting a Thanksgiving baby… That would be a cool holiday treat.Continue Reading