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I live alone again. I’m trying to be okay with that and think I am coming to terms with it. David was right. This is better for both of us, but that isn’t the point. I miss him. I miss Jo-da. I miss the sounds of another person in the house. But everything will be fine.

I moved into David’s old apartment. It is a large space and suits me well. The neighborhood is a bit too quiet, but the neighbors aren’t overly inquisitive, which is nice. I hate feeling watched.

Work has been irritating. It has seemed much busier than it has been and I feel like I am constantly behind. Welcome to the holiday shopping season!

Heather got moved too. I feel bad for abandoning her and finding my own place, but she has been really nice about it. That almost makes me feel worse about it though. She has found a place to stay — with some of my favorite people in Anchorage. Things are going to work out for her.

Life feels right at the moment. I’m really trying to stay in the moment and not focus too much in either direction — past or future. Being as here as I can be is good. Being happy with myself is my only goal and I am getting there… slowly, but surely.

I really miss my family right now. The next few months will be rough without a visit. And I need to call Brandy, who came to visit me and has yet to hear from me. I have too much to do.

I haven’t found my France journal yet. I was in the middle of putting it on here and misplaced it during my move to David’s. I will try to locate that this week and resume writing about my experiences. I wanted to be done with that by the end of this year.

If anyone has any great ideas for what I could do with my other website, let me know.Continue Reading

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Okay, so it wasn’t a cabinet exactly. I had grown to love the duplex and the many oddities that made it special. It had started to feel like home for me. The pops and creaks the place would make as it warmed from the sun had become familiar. The troops of insects and spiders that would find a way in had started to be less of an annoyance than they once were. The sound of the water under the house — like sitting atop the beach with waves moving back and forth — was soothing. I had even grown fond of the huge fireplace, sitting awkwardly in the corner. It took up too much space and was unusable. I had decided to place foam skulls in it for Halloween and string lights in the top so they would be slightly lit up.

I think I can fall for almost anyplace. It just takes time. With the duplex, it took almost a year for me to really appreciate it. I have certainly lived in places that took less time too, but I like to settle. Part of the reason I moved to Alaska was that I was not happy with my own tendency to settle so quickly. But honestly, that is one of my favorite things to do. It shouldn’t scare me so much.

Currently, I am living in a basement. Surrounded by concrete walls and hot water tanks, I know I can’t stay too long and should fall for this unusual place. For various reasons, I must have a new place to stay by Christmas. I don’t want to think about it just now. I am trying to decide if I can live with a roommate. I tend to be more independent than most people like to deal with. But I doubt I can afford this city on my own. We’ll see. And with any luck I will be settled in to my new place by spring.Continue Reading

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I have found myself homeless… or about to be homeless. I am really apprehensive about it for a number of very real reasons.

I will be living on David’s couch. He is moving into a one bedroom house. It is very small. He has also recently acquired a dog — a husky. She is a sweet thing and took to me right away. My issue is that I have two cats. I don’t want them to be harmed and I fear that Joda could easily kill them. David was rather blasé about it, remarking that they should be fine as long as they stay away from her food and they would have the entire downstairs to themselves. I would be devestated if Joda harmed them.

It is true, the basement is huge and the cats will love it down there, but in their 6 years of life, they have always had me to sleep on or near. They are very social cats and don’t like to hide. I’m not sure how I feel about disrupting them for so long. I need to have my babies around me… they are my family. I appreciate David’s willingness to take us in, but I wish he would take that part into consideration a little bit more than he has. (He got the dog AFTER confirming that I was moving in) I have decided to try and have some sort of set up so I can hang out downstairs a litte, but it will get quite cold down there. It is officially too late to find somewhere else to live and I don’t know anyone who could take them in for a few months.

I will not have anything at David’s and I won’t have space to myself. I am the type of person that needs to be alone sometimes. I won’t have that. I need to have some of my things around. I won’t have that. I need to feel comfortable in my home. I won’t have that.

I plan on getting a place no later than December 1. I need the time at David’s to save up for moving into a place of my own. I am just worried. I hope it all goes really well and I really hope the animals can be socialized to live with one another.

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there is a lot of drama and a lot of packing going on right now. i am super busy. i only have until the end of the month to get my stuff packed and moved… have i mentioned that i hate packing? not only am i moving, but i will essentially be homeless, living on David’s sofa for a few months. i am looking forward to it! 🙂

i found my journal from my trip to france 11 years ago. i am considering putting it on here.. or at least parts of it. i was such a dork back then.Continue Reading

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So, I have been really quite busy since I returned from my vacation. I have been keeping David Eugene company while he works on moving himself & his landlord, working on my own house, researching some stuff for Mr. Alley (David), and working both jobs. Since they gave me a promotion at Michaels, I have more of a set schedule, but also more hours each week. The money will be nice; I am still adjusting to the time. Plus, David is directly above me, which is fine, but it is weird. Borders is going fine too. I don’t think that I necessarily care more after time off, but I have time to gain perspective on issues I have been thinking about and give myself the time to create a plan. This vacation was no different. I have plans for Borders and I intend to make my section (the office) better than it has been in a long time.

I have been tired. When I have a spare moment, I sleep. I’m really glad I am busier though. Being out in the world more is very good for me. I am looking forward to adding TV night to my calendar again… that is with a couple of people from work. I enjoy spending time with them and it has been too long.

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I hope May is off to a great start for everyone. I was thinking about the absurdity of the maypole the other day. I guess it is no weirder than leprechaun footprints, egg-laying rabbits, or airborne caribou, but it just seemed like an unlikely holdover from the past. A large rod rising into nothing, adorned with ribbons of color. The odd edifice is accompanied by its own dance, a pre-Christian ritual celebrating the arrival of summer. But this seems to be the entirety of the May Day rituals. Dance around a pole merrily; repeat as needed. Curious.

The snow is still around town in little stubborn piles. It seems warm enough for these to melt, but they are resisting quite effectively. It seems wrong to have even the recent memory of snow in May, but it really was only a few weeks ago that we were driving on the permanent layer of snow and ice, packed down for months. I had really grown accustomed to the blanket of white and was a little sad to see it go. That got me more than a few raised eyebrows. The consensus seems to be that summer is so short that it should be enjoyed while it can be. For me, I found myself missing the winter because it had been so long. There had been snow covering the ground since October. That is a long bit of time.

I have solidified plans to go home this month. I paid for tickets. The flights were so booked that I will be traveling for half a day each way, with 2 layovers. It seemed like the worst way to go, but I had waited so long that my options were limited. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone, but I am not looking forward to the heat. I have become a person who is quite comfortable when it is 18° outside and the heat barely warms up the house. Start talking about Oklahoma heat and I sweat at the mere thought of it. I can’t wait to see my family though.

I am finally starting to get into a groove with 2 jobs. I requested no more than 3 days at Michaels, which they were more than okay with. That allows me some time at home, which I have used this week for extra sleep. I can already see myself getting back to my normal routine in the next week or so, so you can expect the updates I owe this site. And I need more requests. I am currently still working on the most recent one, but I need to get more!!! Travis?Continue Reading

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1. Why can I not stay on task and finish sorting through my stuff / cleaning my house? Probably because I am a little stressed out at the moment. I like having a clean home to relax in, but sometimes I just want to relax without having to worry about cleaning. So it has been lately. I just would rather wait.

2. What made me stop looking for a new full-time position (for now)? I genuinely like where I work. I don’t mind the quirks anymore. Oh, I assure you that I did when I started a year and a half ago. But I no longer am concerned about such things. I also have started to calm down, as I really needed to. Work is work. It will be difficult at times. What I really need is a way to escape. Heather has her books. David has his crafts. Nothing seems to fit. Sure writing is great, but the great problem is that writing is work. It takes a lot of time and energy. I love it and it doesn’t stress me out in the least, but it doesn’t exactly allow me to properly unwind. I need something more mindless for that. Since I started at Michaels, maybe I will try crafting again. There are so many things I can do.

3. What seems to be the job related issue? Even though I am not currently seeking a new line of work, I do believe there is a fundamental problem with me and retail now. And this is very recent. I have discovered office work. I feel like I have somewhat outgrown field retail as a career and should be working in a corporate office at this point. I love providing customer service and working with customers, but retail — almost all retail — involves tons of busy work and very little compensation for it. It was a very satisfying way to spend the last 8.5 years of life, but I may need to try something else for a little while. But not just yet. I want to give myself some time to enjoy retail again. No major career changes for at least another year.

4. Why do I make these lists? I make them to continue to write. If I make a list of something specific, I can usually force myself to write something. A list gives me a subject when none had come to mind. They spark creativity.

5. What is new with Brian? I am currently working on securing members for my new community site. I haven’t really decided what the theme is — and that will determine a lot. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. The idea started as a community of artists, but now it might be of “booksellers” or “opinionated people” or “people who have lived in Alaska” or “people whose last names only contain 5 letters.” It is still really open. Start the ideas flowing!!!

Hugs to all.Continue Reading