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The 2 f’s
run through giraffe
like 2 giraffes

{Ron Padgett}

Happy birthday to a couple of people I love. Y’all know who you are.

I spent a couple days in Seward with my Sourdough family. It was nice; our trip was in celebration of another marvelous year ticked for Mr. David, but somehow transcended him and was a welcoming moment in all of our lives. I rarely am able to share the beauty of my own birthday and I remain impressed that David was so willing to do such a thing. Some sort of Alaskan magic permeated that place and made our outing seem like some sort of grand vacation instead of the overnight quickie that it really was. Denis, thank you for guidance. Daniel, thank you for the camaraderie. David, thank you for being born. And a very big thank you to the folks in Seward who were uncommonly wonderful people.

It snowed yesterday.

Although I was one of the many Alaskans who sighed a financial sigh of relief recently, I must say all this freedom from worry has made Brian a dull boy. I’ve been doing what I want and when I want to do it. Time to pull back the reigns a little before I find myself begging for food. With this enthusiastic consumerism has come a huge creative block for me. Nothing is flowing as freely as I want it to and my site is suffering for it. Sometimes, there is nothing painful to say, which I suppose is a good thing in a way.

I need to get out of town more often; I enjoy this place.

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Brent hit 30 and I didn’t have the means to call and wish him a happy birthday. And so, rather than that I wish him an entire year full of unimaginable joys. I’m ready to confess my jealousy. It has always lurked there, but I’ve tried to deny it for too long. Brent is making his life happen himself. I’m still muddling through, waiting for someone to help me out. Brent has a family. I want a family and find it harder than I thought it would be. Congratulations to Brent for achieving successes I still wait to start dreaming of. I admire you (and blushed on admitting it).

David & Daniel celebrate six months together today. I am so happy for them, but as I’ve said before, I’d like to be even happier for them, but loneliness requires that I harbor just a little bit of spite for their love. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. And I know they both know I love them to itty bitty pieces. Congratulations to the lovebirds.

Stan celebrates a birthday tomorrow. I don’t often know what to say to someone like Stan. His life is an embarrassment of riches and is so richly embarrassing at the same time, but that doesn’t keep me from fantasizing about having his life. It seems to be what I want and so I wish I could be more like him everyday, but I pray that if I ever start to become him, my brothers warn me and keep me from it. I do envy Stan’s happiness with Michael. Congratulations to him for becoming the best version of himself he can be.

And on an unrelated note:

This Journey Seems Long

Possibility falls like feathers,
gently landing on my head with me barely taking notice.
I think I felt something and life rushes past me,
my feet cemented in this moment.
I’m a statue, a gargoyle,
a testament to following dreams, even as I failed myself.
I’m unfolding myself and trying desperately.
Thirty is ugly for a child like me.
I’m a work in progress —
confused, lonely, surrounded.

8.14.2008Continue Reading

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Happy Birthday Heather! I am sitting here at the end of the party at Heather’s. I begrudgingly was convinced to engage in a game of Apples To Apples, which wasn’t as bad as I wanted it to be. Okay, fine, it was fun.

Everyone who came was in good spirits, which was nice. Somehow, I expected some of the drama lovers to attend, but they didn’t. Yay.

Even bigger news… I have a phone now! FINALLY. It has been several months since I last had a phone. I opted for a cell, since it doesn’t require that I be at home all the time. I am very happy with that decision.

Finances are on the way to normal. They aren’t there yet, but they definitely are going that way.

I am considering a second job. Heather would like me to go for the other theater chain in town, but just to go to free movies. I think I would like to try for Pier 1 or some such place.Continue Reading

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I have been feverishly trying to define myself. I have actually been doing a lot of non-Brian activities lately. I have a need to figure out what religion I am most aligned with… I don’t know why I have this need to define myself. I am usually satisfied with my beliefs being what they are and not needing to lock them into a pre-defined set of… whatevers. But I somehow need to know. I have discovered that I rest somewhere happily between non-Baptist protostant Christianity, Hinduism, & Judaism. Somehow, that makes sense finding that out. But I don’t know what to do with that information either. I went on this quest mainly to answer the question when asked, but I am no closer to doing that. The honest answer is confusing to most.

Meanwhile, the condo is not sold… I have made plans to visit Oklahoma in October… Work is good… Heather has a birthday soon… I got my invite to Dorothy & Sean’s wedding… I have been unsettlingly homesick… I am still broke… my tattoo design is not yet completed… Ashley & I are going to the fair next weeked and then she is taking me out to a glacier the following week… and life goes on.

I will include some things I have written soon. I have been at it again, which really means I have been a bit depressed. No worries though; depression is the only means to my self expression. My creative self will now be allowed out for a breath.

I miss the weirdest things.

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I really expected the loons to have migrated by now, but they are still around. They are quite creepy to hear, especially when they call at night. It just doesn’t sound like a bird. Lucille, the 86 year old woman upstairs, said they will leave just when it is about to freeze. No freezing in the immediate forecast, so my time here should be full of loon creepiness.

JD & Jess share a birthday tomorrow. I wish them both well and hate that I cannot be around to see them. I will really miss my friends when I move. Happy birthday to both of you.

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Book(s):
I got and plan on starting Closet Case by Robert Rodi. I am interested in all of his books, but that one really sounded like the best. I really need to read more, but I need to get new glasses. I can barely see. It makes it frustrating to try and read anything.

Friends:
I love friends. Justin came over and watched Clash Of The Titans with me the other day. I think I am officially over that movie. Once upon a time I loved it, but I guess I have moved on with my life. Anyway, we later went to Wal-Mart, where we both had to pick up copies of The Day After Tomorrow, which we thought got a bad rap just because the wolves looked ridiculously fake. It was good for what it was and that is all it should be judged on. It was great formula disaster, better than made for TV, but certainly not the best of its kind. I dropped him off at his house and he went in to get my DVDs I had loaned him and Patrick. When he returned, he had a snapdragon in a starter pot, which he offered me. It was weird and a little funny. I took it and when I returned home I planned on giving it to Lori. As I walked by her house, her living room light went out so I quickly ran up and knocked on the door… no answer. So I unlocked the door and sat the plant in an obvious place and left. I am tired of giving people gifts. They appreciate them, but I don’t necessarily want them to. I am turning into my dad, giving things away all the time. It is exhausting when you are at any store and everything reminds you of someone you know. I should just not buy!!!

Shauna (ex roommate), Nathan (her kid), and Bryce (her brother) came into the store on Friday. It was nice to see them. It had been a very long time. I really miss James (Shauna’s husband) though. I really connected well with him when I lived with them, but haven’t seen him in a long time and I miss him. He is very much a homebody, not even wanting to venture beyond his house for long, so it is hard to see him without going over there. I should just go.

Haven’t seen Jess in a while, but I am sure work is keeping her busy lately.

Birthdays:
KC had her 1st birthday Friday. Meghan shared the day as her 21st. Franz, my cat, shared the same day as his 3rd. Mom’s birthday is tomorrow. I will be in Stillwater later today to celebrate. Brent and Laurisa (my brother and sister-in-law) will be in town too. I hardly ever see them now that they live an hour in the other direction of my parents. I also haven’t seen Jason since he was born. It will be a fun day. I hope if I take a movie my mom and I will be able to watch it in peace at some point. No more birthdays until November after this one.

Health:
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. I am one of those dentist fearing people. I don’t really understand it, but I just don’t really like going. I have an abscess so I hope that I will have a tooth removed. It really needs to go. I hate that such a small thing can impact my overall sense of well being. It makes me feel sick all over!!!

Observation I made at work: Our inability to keep paper from cutting our skin is the dumbest thing ever. God seriously needs to rethink that whole thing. I was ringing someone up and the cover on the book he was buying sliced very easily into my finger… ouch!!!

Work:
Things seem to be getting much better. It is great to have employees who support me. I am impressed with everyone in my department at the moment and it really feels great. They are the best!!! I again enjoy my job and I am grateful for that.

Audacity: We have a man who keeps coming in the store and harassing a certain person in my department. He started out as a shoplifter, but has recently started only coming in to just show that we as a store do not scare him. Although he does not have the opportunity to steal, he does have an opportunity to make people uncomfortable. It is to the point that I wish I didn’t have to schedule certain people alone, but can’t penalize them for the actions of one asshole. I am just venting as I can see no way to get rid of him. Our store is willing to call the police on him, but he flees before it ever gets to that. It is aggravating.Continue Reading