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I couldn’t get him to respond, so I don’t even know if he had a nice day.  I hope so.  He needs more nice days in his life.  He was going to Cattleman’s for dinner.  That was his plan.  After going back and forth for a long time, I actually decided to go with him.  I am also trying to get out of my own way, but since I never could reach him I still don’t know what’s going on.  

Brent came to hang out between photo shoots during the day.  It’s a stark contrast.  Brent is easy to be around.  There isn’t some deeper meaning to it; he brought some dinner with him, ate it, and then took a nap in the library for an hour before leaving.  It’s how I expect family to be.  Both him and Brad are welcome in my house in that exact way, as if they are supposed to be there.  And it is how I expect to be in there houses.  But sometimes Brad makes it awkward with guilt trips and weird tours of things he is doing.  And it all just reminds me of how Dad used his children as substitutes for friends.  Have friends as friends.  Family should be able to relax around you.

I’m just frustrated because Brad is genuinely fun to be around, but it’s hard to get to that point when everything is so dramatic.  I wish he could just calm down, then maybe it would make sense to stop by and hang out for an afternoon.  Regardless, I hope he had a pleasant day.  Happy 44th to him!

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A Chase

I’m a little sore.  My knee was slightly swollen when I woke up, so I need to make sure to not overdo things for a few days and see if that resolves itself.  I didn’t do that much of a walk yesterday, but I was active and on my feet most of the day and the two days before that I did a full three mile walk, so I’m probably just dealing with the consequences of the long break I took from my walks.  

It feels warmer today than the thermometer indicates.  That could just be me; I did wake up in the middle of the night feeling little too hot, but it was only 71º in the house.  

When I got to the park, the only other person there was a woman walking the same path as I walk.  Her pace is much better than mine, especially today, so I kept finding ways to stay out of her way so she never had to cross paths with me.  I think it’s better for others, but it also prevents people from sneaking up on me from behind.  I did get in 20 step ups as a result.  Those feel so good and get my heart really going.  I know I need to add dumbbells; I’m dreading carrying them to the park with me for my walks!  But I will.  There are a lot of things I need to get over.

It’s Brad’s birthday.  He is going for his usual birthday dinner at Cattleman’s.  He’s invited me, and I’m on the fence about it.  On the one hand, I actually do like hanging out with him and that is a good opportunity.  On the other hand, Friday evening at Cattleman’s can mean long wait times for the opportunity to sit and not have anything to eat.  Not that I mind not eating (they don’t serve anything I can have), but it can be annoying for that to be after waiting two hours to be seated.  I’m thinking about it.

Brent’s going to be over this afternoon, and after he leaves for his evening photoshoot, I think I’ll go for a second walk to try to get in my three miles.  Maybe doing it all at once is part of my problem.  Maybe it’s the total.  Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with my walking.

[Walk #336, 2.18 miles]

 

Playlist

1. Give Life Back to Music, Daft Punk
2. Totem, Zazie
3. Cold Sweat, Hot Boys, Bright Light Bright Light
4. Magic, Kylie Minogue
5. Ding, Jewels Sparkles
6. Play, Jax Jones & Years & Years
7. Come into My World, Kylie Minogue
8. Gaslight, Derik Fein
9. Easy Lover, Miley Cyrus
10. Around the World, Daft Punk
11. Cinnamon, Derik Fein
12. From the Start, Goldenfang Records
13. Any Which Way, Scissor Sisters

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Deer, Turkey, Toads

This was a surprisingly good and productive day.  Brent & I went to Glencoe to do a final cleanup of trash & get the propane tank listed and picked up.  The only thing left to do out there is the owner of the mobile home to come out and get it, but everything we were going to do is done (unless the mobile home pickup results in a mess, which we may need to hire someone to cleanup).  Everything takes so long.  On the way to the recycling center, there were deer and turkeys in the Johnson’s yard across the creek.  Both are common, but not usually at the same time.

Brent is fun to hang out when he’s not focused on trying to get out of the task.  He has relaxed since buying his house and moving.  When we couldn’t get find a place to take a refrigerator, we took it to Brad’s and to my surprise Brent went in and visited with Brad, AJ, & Kenzie.  They are remodeling at Brad’s and he is not talking about moving any longer.  I don’t agree, but it’s not my house and not my life.  It was actually a pretty good visit in spite of the smell of smoke.  Brad says he quit again.  I’m glad to hear it.  I would love if he started taking care of himself more!!

Photo of the Day (Stillwater Recycling Center)

It was a long day, and I didn’t get home until 8, so I only did a 25 minute walk.  I got in a lot of movement throughout the day, so I still feel pretty good about it.  The park was full of toads and there were teenagers hanging out on the playground.  That made me feel good actually; I worry about young people not spending enough time just still being kids.  I got in my steps, avoiding stepping on toads, and got back home.  I’m so tired now, but I have a washer & dryer now and I put a load of laundry in for the first time and so I almost feel like this is where my time in Guthrie starts.  I don’t have anything to pull me away to do other tasks.  

[Walk #335, 1.15 miles]

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27.7

Through the dirty pane of glass
I see the lingering snow —
an ever shrinking mass of white.
It’s April and I wonder how much
longer I will be alone.
My head has hurt for a week now
and I can barely stay calm in a job
that seems to have become a prison.

I am calm. I am resolved.
The love is enough; the love
from my family of new friends
(fellow refugees, struggling to
find themselves)
They soothe me and I feel
less angry about failure.

The snow will stick
for a few more weeks.
The grass is displacing patches
here and there — this guest
is no longer welcome.

I am standing here
at my kitchen door,
ready to take to the air;
ready to break free and
start this next phase.
I inhale deeply,
but I do not move.

4.11.2007

Thoughts to people I’ve had on my mind lately. I don’t expect these people to read this, but I wanted my thoughts out there. I also don’t want anyone to feel left out. I have a lot of people in my life and a lot of love to give. Don’t take it personally if I didn’t mention you.

David: You know what I think about you and how I wish you could be content. I am so pained by the hurt you go through, as if I have somehow become an extension of you — an additional limb you don’t really want to deal with. I don’t mean to care so strongly, but I’m not sure I can reverse and love you less. You are a good person who deserves all the things you want, even if you sometimes want them too much. I want to stare into your face for hours. It soothes me and is familiar; you make me feel at home.

Bradley: You’ve endured such pain. I am sorry you’ve had to go through such a terrible time. You are a great person and I know that wherever your life takes you, good things are possible. I hope you realize the blessings in your life and cherish them.

Heather: You put up with too much from me (you put up with too much from everybody). I appreciate your concern about me and know that you really do care. That means a lot. I have tried to distance myself from you a little lately and I am sorry if it has seemed like rejection. It isn’t. I still care about you as much as always, but feel like we needed a bit of a break. I don’t think that anymore. I have been so lucky to have you as a friend.

Grant: I am worried that we have failed to connect recently. I have really tried to open up to you as a friend, but held back a little. I find it difficult to relate to men who aren’t gay, which is horrible of me. I feel like I am disappointing you at work and I hate it. Working for you is the only reason I am still at the store. I want to work for/with you, not only because you are a great guy to be around, but also because you know how to manage a store.

Jacci: You have so much to give. I wish I could just accept it and allow you into my life more. I don’t know if I am scared of something or what, but I just can’t seem to let my guard down around you. I am trying.

Mom: I feel like my journey has caused unnecessary stress for you. I know you don’t understand why I needed to be in Alaska — I don’t really either, but the last thing I ever wanted was to be further away from you. You are one of my closest friends and I wish I could be more open with you. I also worry about you a great deal. I wish I could see you every single day.

People I miss (in no particular order): Jess C, Jess F, Justin, Becky, Meghan, Jill, Jeff, Marla, Serenity, The Kim, Dad, Lori, Ed, Sharon, Stan, G, Annie, Laurisa, Samantha, Kendra, Mimi, Valeri, JoBeth, Ray, Opie, Geri, Jerry, Travis, Conner, Tim, Kathy, Mary C, Mary, Ann, Mom, JD, Jason, Jennie, Elisabeth, Emily, Matt A, Ken, Shauna, Gordon, KC, John H, James, Debbie, Molly, Avery, May, Riley, Jason M, Brent, Bryce, Cara, Paul, Patrick, David E, David M

I know that frustration will only cause me more problems and I can’t live with it. I have to move on and become who I am right now. Life is far too short to accept pain. Having almost literally counted my blessings, it seems that I must realize how lucky I am. And I do know that. I hope all of this means I am moving forward.

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Life can really slap you in the face sometimes. I got a gentle reminder that I am not in control on Monday. My brother called me at work; I knew something was wrong, since he had never called me at work before. “Don’t freak out,” he said, “but Dad had another heart attack. He is fine; they flew him to Mercy Hospital in [Oklahoma] City.”

Don’t freak out? Is it ever possible to not freak out when you are told not to freak out? Of course, the first thing I thought of is that I hope Mom doesn’t reach for a bottle. That just wouldn’t help anything, but knew that it was a strong possibility. Brent gave me all the information he had and told me that he would keep me posted. I was pretty much useless the rest of the day at work.

When I got home, I called Brent. Everything seemed to have gone smoothly. The heart attack started around 1:00 p.m. & by 3:45 p.m. they had finished putting in a stent at a hospital 60 miles away. My dad had wanted to play a joke on my mom at the hospital. He wanted the nurse to get him a toe tag and pull the sheet up over his head for her arrival. She would not have been amused, so I am thankful that the nurse refused. I do, however, find it funny myself.

I finally talked to him that evening. He sounded fine & had plenty of energy. What scares me is that it was a massive attack and his doctor said he was lucky to have gone to the hospital when he did; he might not have survived otherwise. I am not ready at all for something like that to happen. Not only can I not imagine losing one of my parents, but mine are both great friends and people I would want to know even if I wasn’t related to them. They are good people, wonderfully naïve about the indecencies in the world. Wholesome.

It has really made me think though. I guess this is a typical reaction — the assessment of the family bond and the closeness to those who just went through whatever ordeal. “Why?” has never been important to me. I really don’t care “why” events occur. My dad’s heart attack is no exception to that. It really doesn’t matter, what matters is “how do we keep it from happening again?” The doctor informed him, as doctors will do, that he needs to quit smoking. But in this case, he has a point… a strong one. The heart attack, in all of its ferocity, was brought on almost entirely because of smoking. Dad spends long hours working outside and is in excellent health in many respects. However, he does tend to cough a lot (more and more recently, I’ve noticed). I guess it is time to stop, if he can. And I hope sincerely that he can. He is too important to too many people.

Any blessings from this? Maybe. My brothers both have a tendancy to drop their kids off with my parents. I understand this. They have to make ends meet and you do what you can to struggle through with a young family. I get it. But Mom & Dad have both been pretty exhausted with it all lately. They’ve needed a break. Mom’s back needs some time & Dad just needs some time off for his mental health. Now, it seems they will get a little break. It is unfortunate that it had to happen in this way though.

And as if that wasn’t enough, Bradley is facing the end of his marriage. It has been coming for some time. When they first got married, Jess was great. I still think she is a good person and fun to be around. But she and Brad, who enjoyed a weirdly romantic & tumultuous relationship, have drifted apart rather calmly.

This would all be much ado about nothing if it wasn’t for the two kids. Brad & Jess have two boys, who are being used, as happens so often, to cause Brad more pain. He is repetedly denied seeing his boys by Jess, who has decided to move in with her mother, who is in the midst of mourning her husband, and who until very recently had nothing to do with the kids. Even now, her version of watching them is to take them to the neighbor’s house and have her watch them.

It angers me.

Bradley has a strong case for custody of those two boys, but I am afraid he will never try to make it, as he clings to hope that the marriage will survive. I just wish there was a better solution to the entire situation… that I would have confidence that I will know my nephews as they grow up. I am not so sure.

The boat has been rocked. We are in a cosmic reality show and all the viewers are waiting to see what we will do next. It is a great cliffhanger to the end of this season, but the choices we make in the near future could dictate entire decades of our lives.

Images: photo by Oliver Wilks; art by Brian Fuchs; Joan Arend Kickbush, Foxes (c.1969)

Featured Image Art: Jirayr Zorthian, Fox Skulk Den (1957)

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So, I have been rather critical of my current visit with my family. I came home to Stillwater, Oklahoma after having spent the past year in Alaska. I am only here for 2 weeks and had very specific expectations of what this trip would be. Firstly, there would be exuberance and rejoicing over my return. Celebration and merriment would follow and I would enjoy many days of relaxing conversation with my parents at their new home outside of town.

That did not happen. The lack of interest in me once I arrived made me feel severely unneeded. Perhaps it is a blessing to know this. It doesn’t make knowing it any easier to know that my family can exist happily without me. It hurts a little. And this growing pain was something that needed to occur. I realize that I was never going to grow if I considered myself just one of my parents’ children instead of viewing myself as an independant individual, capable of being my own person.

I am capable.

I have only been gone for a year, but is seems like so much longer. Things I never took notice of before, suddenly stick out like bits of bone in the most delicious piece of fish I’ve ever eaten. I want to love it so much, but it just isn’t quite right. Conversely, things I took for granted seem like little blessings that only I seem to be aware of — the price of groceries, the proximity of family, dirt roads — and nobody else is taking notice. I miss this place, but I am happy to not be here at the same time.

My parents have changed. My brothers have changed. And there are small children, ready to take any attention left from whomever is around. It is a chaotic place, full of love and life, but completely unwelcoming to me. Because I wish it was the way it used to be.

Not In Alaska:
I have been enjoying the small pleasures I cannot get in Alaska. Trips: Sonic X2, Whataburger, Wal-Mart Supercenter X2, Wall’s, Bath & Bodyworks. I plan to go to a thrift store & Wall’s today and this weekend I will be going to Target, Bangkok, & hopefully Tuesday Morning and/or Hobby Lobby.

{edit}

Let me make things more clear. I really do love my family. They are the best family I could hope for. They are the most generous, most caring, & most interesting people I know. I was simply disappointed in the state of things in regards to the way I was treated on my returning after a year.

Images: Oklahoma A&M logo; illustration of seated woman (McGill Library via Unsplash)

Featured Image Art: township map of Payne County, OK

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Thankful:

First, I would like to say that I am thankful for so many things. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine was excellent. I sometimes don’t allow myself to enjoy my family, but I really do. It is nice to feel that relaxed around people. I am thankful for my cousins, who are becoming such wonderful people. I am thankful for my brothers and their families. I am thankful for my uncle, even when he really annoying. I am thankful for my grandpa (Papa) who was too quiet this year. I wish him speedy recovery on his back. I am especially thankful for having the greatest parents ever. They are both as much friends as parents. I enjoy them so much. Their house can be too hectic for me though, with the children always under foot.

The day was so great. We watched Will & Grace, visited, and played with the kids all day at my parents’ house. Gradually, everyone made their way down to my grandpa’s house. We started with 15 and by the time I left for my grandpa’s, only my dad was left. We had the best and most moist turkey I have ever had!!! It just fell apart as the knife touched it, so no need to slice it at all. I sat at the kids’ table, where I have sat my entire life. Really, we all are. That table is, and has always been Opie, Annie, myself, and some combination of others including Becky, Brad, Brent, etc. The actual kids are still too young to sit off by themselves. It was just an excellent day.

So, Where Has Brian Been???

Nowhere. I have just not been on the computer that much. I guess life is just boring lately. Not that I have been bored. I do have opinions on that. I want a boyfriend. I want to feel loved. I am scared of looking… scared to death of trying… of putting myself out there. I miss my gay friends. This is really where gay friends come in handy. I am lonely and I don’t like it at all. Blah. I am basically content with my life otherwise. I do need to get on here and just blog already!!! I sometimes forget that my friends check this to see what is going on… Travis.

Work:

Speaking of work, Shauna is working at my store as of earlier this week!!! It is so nice to see her face at work. I so miss living with her and James. I wish things never changed and you could just stay close to everyone.

This is the weekend of weekends at work. I am looking forward to the craziness. I am a little worried that our manager will be exhausting and frantic, but overall it should be fun.

Featured Image Art: photo by Element5 Digital (via Unsplash)

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Big Brother:
I am having some trouble choosing which group I like now that the horsemen are dead. I am really siding with Will & Karen, but I fear they will soon be targeted unless the join with the twins now. Adria and Natalie are amazing players, but I don’t really want them to win. At this point, I would be happy with Jennifer, Will, or Drew. I know he was driving the house nuts, but I really liked Jase in the end. Not to win, but he made the house interesting.

That was incredibly geeky, I know.

Travis:
It is so nice to have a friend who understands me on the level that Travis does. JD almost understands me as much, but just is the slightest bit less tuned in to me. I really feel like I couldn’t get through life without Mr Travis. He is such a source of support, which has caused a lot of confusion. My parents (Travis, don’t read this part) don’t understand him or why I feel so strongly connected to him. On many occasions they have shared this and every time I am irritated that they would judge him. I don’t know why… why do I need a reason? Maybe it is because I fell in love with him. Maybe it is because he has always been there for me. Maybe it is because he is just a good guy. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Debbie should be so proud of him.

Brent:
I never give people the credit they deserve. I certainly didn’t with Brent. He has most likely known for a while that I am gay. He also would have been fine if I had actually told him. But I didn’t, and wouldn’t. He never treated me any differently, but he still knew. I am so lucky to have such brothers. They are so wonderful. Today is Brent’s birthday so I really need to call him.

Olympics:
Just watched the opening ceremonies, even though I will most likely not see most of the games. It was awesome though and I was very moved by the reception that Iraq and Afghanistan received. The fireworks at the end were also incredible and a reminder that they really spare no expense in this thing.

Featured Image Art: stills from Big Brother Season 5

originally posted on Xanga