Why is everyone the same?

Each time a customer comes in and asks me for a book I’ve been asked for a thousand times, I want to say “yep, you are just one of the sheep.” There is a world of overlooked books out there! No, you don’t need to read The Shack or Twilight or Marley & Me.

I am looking for the next great novel to read. I’m greatly enjoying my trips to Oz, but I’m really searching for something different. Any suggestions?

Night before last, I had a series of nightmares, which is fairly unusual for me. In one, I was walking up to the house where Daniel lived (actually my grandparents’ house) and was really scared because the screen door was open and knocking against the house. Inside, I could see Daniel pacing back and forth. Okay, so in retrospect that isn’t much of a nightmare, but at the time it felt like one.

In another I was visiting some walruses in a marine park where there were several dozen in a rather warm pool of water. They were all really quite happy to be there and were jumping into the air and doing tricks like dolphins. One almost hit me with his tusks, but it was an innocent mistake. When playtime was over, we went into the nuclear plant where they worked with an assemblage of rather cantankerous penguins and taskmaster rock monsters. The walruses went into cubicles off to the side for a safety drill and demonstration for my benefit. Only the rock monsters could be out during the drill. During the video demonstration of what might happen during a bombing, a bombing actually occurred. Everyone was safe, but downstairs at Mardel, several employees were killed. Since I was the HR manager of the plant, I met with some of the others to put our plan into motion. I’d overheard one of the Mardel managers saying that they would not be taking any precautions, which I brought up to decrease our liability. As I read over the procedures for handling a bombing from corporate, I started to cry. And then I woke up. There were a lot of things going on in this dream, but the impending sense of doom was constant. And maybe I’ve retained a deep hatred for Mardel stores.

There were others. I don’t recall the events, but several woke me up. Last nights dreams also woke me up several times, but they were altogether more pleasant… too much so in the case of one I just won’t go into details on. I promise it didn’t mean anything though. 😉

First, I hope everyone had a nice Easter weekend. I wish I had a sense of tradition for holidays. Not that my family doesn’t do holidays — we do. But I still don’t mind not having a celebration to attend or having family around. I’d much rather have my family around on a random Tuesday… we’d have dinner and talk late into the night about nothing in particular. I miss that.

“The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots and standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse, a little later on.”
–Elbert Hubbard

I have a headache. I’ve had it for about a week now. It is worse when I am at work or thinking about work. When I am at home, not thinking about it, I hardly notice it. I am extremely frustrated with the direction of my job and can’t seem to find a solution at the moment. Maybe there is no solution, but I am certainly not happy. It all feels so petty when I have to analyze it. Somehow, the concerns that drive me to tears while I am at the store seem so trivial when I am not there.

These are my complaints:
•Those hierarchically above me feeling entitled to whatever they want.
•Those same people complaining about having to work certain shifts, knowing that I write the schedules.
•All questions and concerns about the way the schedule is written requiring an impromptu meeting.
•Full-time employees planning work around their social lives instead of the other way around.
•Having more work to do than I can finish and receiving no help when I need it, even after requesting it.
•Bending the rules because certain employees are more “valuable” than others.
•Not having an outlet for venting frustrations.
•The things I do affecting people’s lives and others not understanding that.
•Having a supervisor who gives orders rather than working with me to get everything done.

I love my job. I really do. I like being entrusted with responsibility and am honored to be the person who makes so many decisions about the store. I feel perfect for the job, as I tend to have more patience than most and I am trustworthy. I know that my job will never be done; not only do I have to complete the same tasks every two weeks, but I also want to learn new things all the time and challenge myself to grow as a part of the company. That is difficult at the moment though. I feel like I can barely catch up enough to just get by.

I wanted to be a writer. I still do. But I feel like that is slipping further and further away, as I am in a line of work that requires a lot of work all day. Much of what I do is mental work, but that is just as taxing and I end up exhausted and disinterested by the time I get home. To calm down and resume the love of things I forget to enjoy requires me to spend a few hours with David or Heather just so I can collect my thoughts. Is my job getting in the way of my goals? I don’t want to believe that it is, but I am obviously not doing what I love to do as a result of what I need to do to pay the bills. And it barely does that.

Where am I going with this? I don’t really know. I don’t have a solution, as I have said. I don’t know if relieving some of the stress will fix the problem or not. I need the money I earn from working, but I need my dreams to be realized. How can I have both?

[Did I take a break from this blog? Not exactly. I have been so stressed out that I have been unable to focus on anything. I have done a lot of sleeping. I have done a little crying. I have been at David’s and at Heather’s. I have been escaping from my life through events rather than through the computer. It may be a loophole, but I am still using it Travis. Plus, I’ve been updating & adding poetry pages.]

Images: Paul Klee – Die Zwitscher-Maschine (Twittering Machine) (1922); photo by Eugene Chystiakov (via Unsplash)

Featured Image Art: photo by John (via Unsplash)