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‘The time has come,’ the Walrus said,
‘To talk of many things:
Of shoes – and ships – and sealing-wax –
Of cabbages – and kings –
And why the sea is boiling hot –
And whether pigs have wings.’

Life just keeps changing on me. No, I am no longer at Barnes & Noble. And no, it isn’t by choice. I don’t really want to discuss it though and I hate having to tell people… especially my parents. Aside from feeling like a failure (having been with a company for 7 years and getting fired), I knew they would try to fix the situation, which isn’t what I want. I can generally solve my problems… my way. I don’t need to do everything their way. And that is a tough conversation to have. Ol’ confrontational me will never say anything.

Mind you, I do appreciate the advice, but the quick fix to my problem is irritating.

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead –
There were no birds to fly.

The world seems open with possibilities now, which is nice. I recently referred to B&N as a family, stating that families are good for two things: creating a sense of security and keeping you tied down. And that is true. I feel so free of the concerns I had at work. I don’t need to care about any of the day to day crap I dealt with there, but I shall deeply miss a lot of the people, not to mention making my own schedule. :pleased:

I have kicked around the idea of going back to school. I am interested and I am starting to gain focus on what I want to do, but I really dread doing it. I am interested in several things. Mainly, I want to work with the mentally ill (those with a chemical rather than physiological disorder) and their families. I would like to work in either a counseling, social work, or advocacy role for these individuals. This has been a calling of mine for a long time — since high school. I really feel that I can do the most good in this field. My other interest, which is totally unrelated, is Interior Design. It doesn’t have the human side that the other does, but it is likely to pay better, use my creative talents, and be very fun rather than challenging. I doubt that I would get the same satisfaction out of that.

I have been applying for any retail management jobs I can find. So far, I have been to Foley’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, Pier 1, & Borders. I have applied online at Babies R Us, Cracker Barrel, IKEA, Schurman Fine Papers, Blockbuster, & GameStop. Hopefully something will work out.

I am also trying to organize my people to create my web based business. I really want it to be successful, but I just need to people to do the work. I have been doing everything, which can take quite some time. I will release more information about it later… when I feel like I have a firm grasp on the concept.

Lastly, I want to be published. It doesn’t require a degree, but doesn’t pay anything until a publisher is interested. And I need to finish my book before a publisher will be interested.

Images: still from Disney’s Alice In Wonderland; photo of Damon Albarn 

Featured Image Art: vintage postcard

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Family:

I saw a movie with my uncle, which was fun. I rarely see him and I really enjoy him. We saw Riding In Cars With Boys — I liked it. We also went to IHOP, where I had my dinner. He is going to see about selling his condo to me! I hope it works out. I am excited.

My mom’s birthday was on the 18th and I was over the night before to see her. i worry about her. She is ALWAYS sick… she was so sick on her birthday that my dad wouldn’t let me talk to her. Oh well. I want her to go see a doctor. Not that I am any better — I am always sick and was starting to think I may be a hypochondriac for a while… probably not. I’d like to visit home one of these times without mom being sick.

Work:

I have been depressed for a while — my review actually was worse than I had imagined and I did not get my raise… That is why it got postponed so much. My dep’t mgr didn’t want to tell me that I did poorly. Really I know I earned my raise, but I decided to not let it get to me. It’s just $15 extra bucks I would blow anyway. And I think it can be reevaluated in a few months. Nothing to stress too much over. I also decided not to make excuses about it, although no such agreement was made for Xanga. I feel that I may have not done my best in the past year, but I really had a hard year. Starting with Oct 2000: my good friend, Justin (for whom I am a caretaker in many ways), is in and out of mental hospitals following the death of his grandma, who is more like his mother to him, my grandma (“G”) starts to get very sick, severe pains send me to doctor, who does several tests and finds NOTHING wrong, my great grandma (Artie) dies, exactly one week later, G dies, Justin continues in and out of hospitals (not giving me a chance to mourn), I become severley depressed, my dad’s sister and family cut off contact with us because of my dad’s decision to give a fewe pieces of furniture to me and my brothers (being the executor of her estate and having spent 6 months watching her die, he feels justified), Justin moves in, Justin’s great grandma dies, Brad proposes to Janessa, which I cannot tell, my roommates prepare to move after a guy staying with us for a week takes off with their $70, I prepare for Brad & Jess to move in, Jess is now pregnant, Brad & Jess get married, Brad gets a promotion and decides to not move, forcing me to move, my roommates reveal that they are moving because I am impossible to live with, Justin and I move into a small apartment,… and here I am. Never in my life has so much happened in one year.

So at work they moved me to the gift section in an effort to spark interest, not realizing that the deep depression prevents interest of any kind in anything. Oh well… I am excited about the new section though. And I have a new dep’t mgr… May. She is awesome. And I can go back to liking Tim.

Featured Image Art: still from Riding In Cars with Boys (2001)

originally posted on Xanga